You Called a Therapist …Now What?

Therapy is a Lot of Work

Everyone says to seek therapy or “call your therapist” but what happens after that? I am in the medical insurance field so I am going to skip that subject unless requested to do one. I can tackle that topic in another post.

When I ask what happens after you find a therapist, I mean, are you going to put in the work? There are many different types of therapy and sometimes you have to go to a psychiatrist and a psychologist (licensed therapist or other credentialed therapists) to work on the whole problem.

In my case I have a psychiatrist (I went to the psychiatrist first to see if I actually had a mental disorder) and then I was referred to a LICSW (Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker) or a LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker). There are specialists such as Family and Marriage Counselors or others that work with specific demographics such as children or people in the LGBTQIA+ community. The difference is that the psychiatrist can diagnose and treat mental illnesses and the therapist works with you on what the psychiatrist diagnosed you with (if there actually is a diagnosis or they’re treating the person and NOT the diagnosis as my psychiatrist always says).

My psychiatrist visits started out as 30-minute visits so that they could find out what was up, get you situated and stable on the meds, and observe how well the treatment was working. My psychiatrist visits are now about 5-15 minutes. They just see how the medication is (or is not) working and you can see them a few times weekly to 1-3 months out once you are stable. Therapy visits are usually longer, more frequent in the beginning, and less as you learn how to deal with whatever brought you to them.

Therapy is Like a Marriage

Sure, you got a therapist, but what are you going to do with them? The first thing you need is communication and trust. If you don’t have those two things, you are already destined for failure just as in marriage.

You have to be willing to share your story TRUTHFULLY. There are people out here that literally lie to therapists to portray themselves as a victim. The therapist can only really go by what they are being told. In some cases of people with personality disorders, therapists will soon figure out what is true and what is not. This, however, doesn’t help the patient to lie to the person that is trying to help them.

You have to work WITH your professional if you want to reach a goal of better mental health. Don’t waste their time as there is a shortage of therapists out here and someone that really wants help could be utilizing their time.

Longevity of Treatment

Just because you had to go to a professional doesn’t mean it’s forever. I feel that this is a fear of many. In my case, I will have to see my professionals until they retire at the least. I have bipolar disorder and sometimes I backslide. Sometimes something happens where I need immediate attention or I become violent.

As stated before, I started out with my therapist and psychiatrist going once a week but I titrated down the better I got. COVID happened and I backslid which put me back to biweekly instead of every month for my therapist and from monthly instead of every three months for my other professionals. I have three professionals. I see one monthly and the other biweekly. The psychiatrist just monitors my medication and I have been put on a new treatment which will be monitored every two months to make sure that this new regimen works. It sounds like a lot but it really isn’t especially when you know how far I have come as a person.

The better you get, the less you have to go.

My First Visit

I saw my therapist and psychiatrist after blacking out and stabbing a counter in anger at my father who was going to be my next target. I stayed in the psych ward for 5 days. This took place about 13 years ago. I got there, still had my cast on my and from cutting my tendons, and they asked me why I was there so I told them. For me, I was at my lowest and I needed to talk to someone that wouldn’t judge me. My therapist and psychiatrist are cool. Talking to my therapist is like talking to a friend and my psychiatrist is an older, Jewish man and I feel just fine talking to him. He has a PhD. My therapist is a LICSW.

They know all my dirt. ALL of my dirt. When I was out here being a hypersexual manic person, they knew. I gave my therapist a LIST of all the men I was dealing with as they had nicknames. She still has it in her file and we laugh about it. I have been celibate for SEVEN years now. Tell me that therapy doesn’t work. I have been through a lot with my jobs and family members, and they have been there to listen. It helps that I study psychology and know how to think outside of myself so I really go to them to verify that my conclusion is correct. This is not saying that they are to agree with me, because they don’t. But we look at situations from all sides. I usually can tell when I’m wrong and we discuss why I am wrong OR why I actually am right when I think I am wrong.

Trauma

There are many people in this world that have access to mental health professionals but don’t want to revisit the trauma that caused them to need one. My dad is one of those people and there are many Vets that have that same concern.

If something happened to you many years that is impacting your everyday life now, you need to go and revisit that painful trauma to learn the triggers and how to cope with said triggers. That’s how you change the impact that the trauma has on you. I know this is easier said than done but it is a necessary evil. Holding trauma in, drinking, smoking, sexing, abusing it away will not get rid of the actual trauma that is causing it. Getting to the root of the current behavior requires revisiting painful things.

In The End …

Making the decision to see a therapist is great but it is a waste if you’re not ready to put in the work to get better. It’s like physical therapy. You go often and you keep working on the source of the pain until you don’t have to go as often or at all because you learn to do the work to get rid of the pain. Work with your therapist. They are not mind readers so please don’t expect them to be that. Also, remember that HIPAA is a thing and they cannot disclose your information unless you are a danger to yourself or others among a SHORT list of other conditions.

What’s the big deal? It’s just a shower!

A shower. Water pouring over us, in order to remain clean for society, and ourselves. It takes walking into the bathroom, undressing, turning the water on, waiting till it’s the right temp, making sure there is a clean towel nearby and clean clothes. It then takes stepping into the bathtub/shower, grabbing the body wash, shampoo, […]

What’s the big deal? It’s just a shower!

New Meds …. Who Dis?

Fun Times with Meds

I have been on many meds for my bipolar disorder. Some things just don’t work while others do. Some work in tandem with others. Some are just annoying. I believe I spoke about my experiences with some medications and how what works for one but not for another.

Because of this, I will just give a nice disclaimer:

What works for me might not work for others. I have had horrible reactions to Wellbutrin and Seroquel while others do well on them. I have been on many of the older meds that were prescribed based on diagnosis only. As my great psychiatrist said, “I treat the person, not the diagnosis” and he sticks to it.

I Was Spiraling Again

I was so bad for the past few months that my job appointed therapist wanted to reach out to my psychiatrist. I wanted to either hurt myself or others which isn’t ideal and I am never going back to the psych ward.

Because of this, I chose to keep my regular appointment with my psychiatrist because I thought it was the full moon, PMS, or seasonal depression. It could have been all of them in all honesty. I rode it out, but I still had serious suicidal and homicidal ideation. The thing that helped though, is that I had no actual plans on killing myself or a specific person. However, if said opportunity presented itself, I would easily do it. I do have a story to tell at the end of this post.

Talking to the Psychiatrist

I had to tell him all the feelings I had had, how I was attempting to cope, etc. He suggested two more medications (one of which I had been on while in the psych ward). I now take Zoloft and Abilify in the morning and Klonopin and Trazadone at night. Sleep, as I constantly state, are VERY important period. But they are extremely important to people that are in a constant state of thought. I think about what I’m going to do to pay rent, looking for jobs, what to do to feed my daughter, etc. You guys saw the post about trying to obtain different forms of income because inflation is kicking my butt.

Results?

It seems as though this schedule and the addition of medications has helped. I am happier on the phone and in person according to my friends. Even my Facebook friends have commented on it. I even call people and hold conversations on the phone, something that I HATED. I just call and jabber about nothing and some people actually welcome it which is cool. They’re not used to it, and neither am I.

I have been talking to my therapists about the change and they have noticed as well which is great, HOWEVER, that doesn’t mean I am cured. It also doesn’t mean that things can’t get to me. It just means that my treatment is an ongoing thing that I will deal with for the rest of my life. Remember that perfect storm I alluded to?

One of Us Was Going to Go

Monday, I took my medication as I always do in addition to my B12 and regular vitamins. My daughter and I went out to the bus. A car stopped for the yellow lights but the car behind it was itching to go anyway and laid on the horn.

I said “I don’t understand why people can’t wait for the bus. So impatient! Shit ain’t hard (I might have said the last part but I’m not sure)!” This woman decided to choose violence, rolled her window down, and said “Would you care to repeat that?” TRIGGER! Do not pick any fight with me. In MY mind, that was a challenge. I went over to the car (6 feet distance though because COVID), and I repeated myself. She proceeds to talk a bunch of shit and rolls up her window. She started fumbling around like she had something. My suicidal ideation made it so that I didn’t care if she shot me there, however, my homicidal ideation said, “Here’s your chance”. I keep something sharp on my key chain as most people, especially women, do.

She acted like she’s about to get out of the car but one of her passengers got out and closed her door. She was an older lady too which really gave me pause as to how she could be so careless. I stood there and I BEGGED that woman to get out the car and give me a reason. I LITERALLY wanted her to get out of the car so that I could go for the eye, ear, or carotid. I wasn’t going to just get shot. She was going to get something too. But I also had a feeling she was bluffing. However, my bipolar brain said that one of us was going to go and the chances of it being me were very slim with the amount of rage I have been holding in.

I was not afraid. This is a problem. I wasn’t thinking about my daughter seeing or anything. I was ready to be taken to that place that I went to many years ago when I blacked out.

Talked to the Therapist the Next Day
Photo by cottonbro studio on Pexels.com

It just so happened that I had a visit scheduled the next day but I alerted them already that I was ready for my appointment and didn’t need confirmation.

We had to discuss how I could have handled the situation. I still don’t think I was wrong. I feel as though she thought she was a bad ass until she saw me up close and I begged her to “give me a reason”. My therapist and I then talked about the outcome if I had murdered that woman and I don’t like the psych ward so I would likely hate jail and prison as well. We had to then focus on that as well. In addition to that, my daughter wouldn’t have life insurance money, I would lose my job, etc. You can’t murder someone and keep on like nothing happened, especially if done in front of so many witnesses.

One good thing I chose to take from this experience was that 15 years ago, something like this happened, and I did actually go to pull the woman out of the car to stomp her. She got her windows up and locked her doors though. In that case, I was stretching my pills out because I didn’t have my new health insurance yet.

Photo by RODNAE Productions on Pexels.com
In the End …

I might not be a practicing Jehovah’s Witness, but Jehovah was with me (or whatever God you believe in). He could have been there for me or for that woman, but I had one thing on my mind.

I texted my daughter, told her I was sorry and that I loved her. She said she loved me too. When she got home, she really didn’t know what had happened which is when her intellectual disability comes in handy. But we discussed how violence is not the way. She reminded me of that as well.

These are my raw thoughts. I disappointed myself by letting that woman take me out of character, but I still feel as though she really thought that challenging me was the thing to do. Court wouldn’t care about my triggers. My therapists and psychiatrist would have to testify that I don’t start fights (because I don’t) and stay away from people. But it wouldn’t help if I literally murdered that woman.

I had been complaining about those people speeding up and down the hill since before COVID actually. I even sent footage to a news station as well as the police. No response. At this point I can either take my child to school (and her classmate) which would take a bit of joy away from her OR I can continue to fight by going through the proper channels to get a light put at the end of the hill. If not for the kids, but for the fences that they have to keep replacing where people are driving so fast that they go into ditches or almost go into ditches. There is a graveyard of car emblems and fenders all over the place here.

I don’t want to be the spokesperson for anyone or anything but if I don’t step up, who will? It seems as though no one actually cares. Being a bipolar empath is hard. I am always thrust into situations like this; to advocate for others, and I hate it. I just go to three places: Starbucks, the gym, and Safeway. I don’t need more things to do or places to go. Either I need to move (can’t do that) or find the proper channels to go through to fix this. My daughter’s bus is one of the earlier buses. When her bus was later, I saw the kids almost getting hit on a daily basis. Now that there is a $200 ticket for it, it’s better but that only decreases the chance of a child getting hit.

Some weeks ago, a car careened through the stop sign when my daughter was supposed to be crossing the street in the afternoon. The driver was on the phone and didn’t seem to care. I hope that ticket makes them feel better about their life.

And as I type this, people are blowing their horns and cussing each other out. Ahhhh, the song of my people. Sad! We need a light. I guess I need to get on the ball.

Why I Share My Stories

Why Not?

The way I see it, the world is trash. People are ashamed to feel feelings or admit when they are not okay. It helps no one in the end. It can add on to generational curses and trauma. Why would you inflict that on yourself and those you love?

We are all human. No one on this earth is perfect. If you have a mental crisis, acute or seasonal depression, or even some sort of chronic mental illness, why be ashamed?

What’s the worst that could happen: Someone calls you “crazy”? Big whoop! If you’re so crazy, then they’re dumb to try to say it to your face because the crazy person might live up to their name or the little stupid label you tried to put on them.

Physical v Mental Illness

If you fell and broke your arm, would you just continue to walk around with said injury out of fear that people would make fun of you? Do we laugh at people with asthma or diabetes?

Our brain is an important organ that controls EVERYTHING from pain to numbing. Wouldn’t it behoove us to keep it healthy and strong so that we can continue to function? It takes a STRONG PERSON to acknowledge that something might not be right. Putting up a front and acting as if nothing is wrong when you are suffering on the inside impacts your whole body. You get sick, lose sleep, become unmotivated, your personal and work life are impacted, and your body begins to work against you.

I have been there, even diagnosed.

Yes, the process of finding someone to talk to or even having to take medication can be frustrating but it’s necessary in the long run. You might not solve the problem, but you will make it better. You will feel better, more like yourself. I have been saying this since I started this blog and I will continue to say it until people understand.

Self-Diagnosing and Medicating

Self-diagnosing isn’t effective because what training do you have? Are you being objective or are you just noticing the things on a checklist? People go to school for this for a reason and it’s not to let WebMD diagnose you. Please stop that.

Self-Medicating doesn’t help you identify how you got the mental illness. What it does is mask or numb you to what caused the trauma in the first place. This is why we have so many alcoholics and other abusers out here. It doesn’t pinpoint the reason for the medication. It helps no one. And sometimes you need to talk to someone that won’t judge nor tell a soul unless you are danger to yourself or others.

Drugs are drugs, but alcohol and other substances are “cooler” than prescription drugs. I find it to be sad, immature, and funny at the same time. I could write a whole thesis on that alone, but this blog is already long enough. Just remember that drugs aren’t how you learn to identify the cause of the stress, learn your triggers, nor learn to cope with them. So, you end up being an alcoholic, pothead, or addicted to certain pills that aren’t to be used for mental illnesses. Don’t even try to come for me about the “pothead” comment. I don’t know what they call them now. You can get a real Rx for it BUT why are you taking it and what does taking the drug without some sort of therapy do for you? You’re taking meds for a temporary fix but you’re not acknowledging what you’re FIXING.

In the end, there is nothing to be ashamed with when it comes to your mental health. We need our minds to be healthy for our body to be healthy. We need actual professionals that will help us adopt a healthy attitude. In some cases, it doesn’t even include medication. Let’s do better and remove this stigma.

Again, thank you for reading. If you would like to donate to help me start a podcast about navigating the world with bipolar disorder, my CashApp is $kenkie21. If you have nothing to donate, thank you for taking the time to read my blog so far.

I Did a Thing

Rantings of a Mad Woman is Nine Years Old

I have been on this site for 9 years. I would post things randomly and then I started to be a little more consistent. Life kept lifing and I had to get my thoughts out. In that time, I built up enough content for a book. I took my blogs, went to a site called Pixxibook and made a book out of it. I didn’t know I had written so much but this compendium is great.

I started my blog because I wanted to let people know what it was like to be me. Many people don’t like to be transparent with their life as they feel it will be used against them. Me? I really don’t care. The past is the past and I am learning every single day of my life. I have bipolar disorder, a child with invisible disabilities, and no money. I look like I have it together but nope!

I am not a perfect person and I had to learn to look outside of myself on many subjects. This world is full of perfect, judgmental people and I want other people to know that they don’t have to live up to those standards. Those standards aren’t real. They are what people want you to see and believe.

Yet to Come

Yes, I quoted BTS because they’re going to the military like everyone else so I can tolerate their fans a bit more now. I’m sorry but I’m cackling here. But you guys saw my post about that subject.

I won’t let my next compendium be 9 years’ worth of blogs. I will do it yearly. Because I included my blogs all the way until October 20th this year (the turnaround time for these books is astonishing), I will end the next one in October 2023.

People really want me to do a podcast, but I don’t know if anyone would listen. My friends say they would, and I know people that do podcasts. I don’t even know what it would be about especially since my blogs are just all over the place. This is not a simple task, but no one will hire me to write blogs and I truly need extra income. My job is not making it easy, and I am really about to go into some form of sex work if I can’t get something together. Again, not ashamed. It’s not a game out here and the $51.46 I get for child support isn’t helping. I have been looking for a second job for years now. Even full-time ones aren’t paying what I already get so that’s not helping either, but I already talked about that here.

I do know that my podcast would have NOTHING to do with true crime. I think all the other people have it covered. The stories that no one else can tell are someone else’s. I feel that telling my story and inviting other people the chance to tell their stories would help but we will see. I have a lot to think about, but I don’t want to keep having to ask people to help me pay rent. I understand that people WANT to do it, but I don’t WANT them to do it.

I am still working with my therapists on this. I have so much to tell you guys and so many plans but I need to pick ONE thing and stick to it. My ultimate goal is to be a Forensic Psychologist. That is a huge thing as I would need my Doctorate to even be taken seriously. But I’ll figure it out and my village is behind me every step of the way. Without them, I wouldn’t be here.

If you read this far, thank you. I don’t think my life is interesting but my subscribers and even people that just read it and don’t comment let me know on other platforms. That means a lot to me.

Thank you for being a part of my village.

Since Everyone is Talking About Ye!

Why is Everyone Talking About Ye?

Well, he has lost a lot of contracts (many people claim that he made certain comments to lose those contracts so he could do his own thing). The only one I really know about is Adidas. The issue is that he said something Anti-Semitic and people finally got mad.

To make it easier, I will link an article about some of things he said here.

My question is: Where was the ire when he said that Black people chose to be slaves? Or when he said that 50% of Black deaths in America are because of abortion (let’s be real, there are no statistics to back that up and I would suggest that people look this up)? Dude makes a comment about Jews and that’s when everyone drops him. The following are just three of the companies that dropped him.

That alone tells me where Black people stand in the U.S. as if I didn’t already know. Where was the ire when he was wearing that White Lives Matter shirt with Candace Owens? It totally undermined the slogan for BLM which means “Black Lives Matter Too”. But this is all coming from a man that makes up his own stats and claims he has never read a book. I didn’t believe he said that when someone brought that to my attention until I read it myself.

I still have to blog about my experiences on TikTok but people actually came on my blog and said that they agreed with everything he said until the comment about Jewish doctors (yes, they were white people and there are some Black folk on Facebook that agree with him too).

I personally don’t agree with ANYTHING he has said. The fact that I can read a book and stats tells me that he pulled these things out of his butt. People are still calling him a genius. If he is, he’s not looking at the whole picture. And, yes, people are still going to stay in his face, but they aren’t looking at his mental health.

I have talked about this portion in my post: Don’t Let Your Hate for the Kardashians and Your Pro Blackness Make You Miss What’s Going On. I don’t care about the things he says because I know where it is coming from: his mental illness(es). The man is not well and has not been well for a very long time. When you are not well and don’t have anyone to rein you in, you have the capacity to go off the deep end.

In addition to having bipolar disorder which has been confirmed, I really think that he has a personality disorder as well. This personality disorder is making him think that there is something wrong with everyone else BUT him. People are ignoring this. I haven’t been a BIG supporter of his since the album with Drunk and Hot Girls on it. I never purchased his overpriced and unattractive clothing, and I really didn’t keep up with him until people started flooding my timeline with his antics.

Mental Illness(es) You Say?

Yes, mental illnesses. When we get one, some others like to come along for the ride. We know that he has bipolar disorder but there is a personality disorder there as well. As I said before, the illnesses are working against one another. Bipolar disorder is there but the personality disorder is saying “But we can handle this”, “I don’t need meds”, “I don’t like how meds make me feel”, “These docs are trying to do something to me”. He thinks he knows what’s best for him and clearly, he doesn’t. He is losing his family, endorsements and partnerships, as well as his mind.

This is not to be a funny thing. I seriously pity him. People are saying that “Oh, he’s using his mental illness as a crutch”. He can’t be doing that when he doesn’t even acknowledge that something is wrong. I was talking to one of my therapists last week and we were talking about how the only person that can bring him back to some sense is his deceased mother. This is sad. I don’t think an intervention will help or anything. Until that man gets out of denial, I don’t know what can be done.

The people that cared for him were pushed away. When Kim had the people flown to him to try to help, he went on a tirade on social media then promptly deleted everything. He has posted and deleted so much stuff that social media has banned him from using certain platforms. What did he expect? Don’t post stuff just to delete it. Stand by it. He’s standing by everything else.

To make all the money he does and not get help even if it’s in a different form, is like a slap in the face to the people that want to get help but can’t afford it. I know that’s none of his concern, but he really needs to get it together. So many people are now suffering from his actions. His children and school (the basketball team is now being penalized for his actions) are the two I am most concerned with.

In The End …

The things that Kanye is saying and doing are horrible but they literally are coming from a place of delusion, denial, and lack of medication and therapy that he really needs. I will never back a thing he has said but I will care about his mental health whether he does or not. Men, you need to really do better with your mental health. It is important not just for yourself but for your health, your children’s health, your legacy, your relationships, your job, etc. I will be writing about this too. People need to understand the importance of being mentally sound.

As always, thank you for reading if you got this far. We have to end this stigma and do better for our future generations.

I Need a Second (and Third) Income

Listen, I keep talking about how I’m struggling but I also know many others are too. I wish that all of this would end. This is usually when my thinking goes to another place. Either I can take myself out and let my daughter get my three insurance policies or sit here and take the crap that I have to endure because society says it’s bad to off yourself. I have yet to understand why the police have the right to arrest you and take you involuntarily to the psych ward. If you want to go, you should be able to go but that’s not what this post is about.

I am going to tell you some of the things I have considered as a single mom to a child with special needs to make some extra money.

Part Time Medical Coding and Coding

I have been doing this for years now. It is futile. You have recruiters that happen to call and give you tests, etc but then the job falls through. So you’ve taken tests and gotten all this info for them and the deal falls through. It has happened to me twice.

I also have to get my CPT skills back to where they were when I was working in a doctor’s office. In my field, we only code diagnosis codes. We have those rules down BUT CPT coding is hard when you haven’t done it in 7 years. In addition to this, the codes change every October, the coding books are expensive, and it’s just a pain.

Apps for Freelance Work

I live on Indeed and other apps for jobs, but I also use Fiverr and Upwork as I am trying to blog for a little bit of change on the side. No luck so far and I did get someone that tried to scam me. If they try to get you to use an app such as WhatsApp to talk to them or charge you a fee, just turn the job down. I really thought I had a job. Upwork is okay because you get to bid and submit proposals and, if you don’t get the job, you get the bid points back. I go for medical virtual assisting and blogging.

As you can see, no one has picked me up for blogging, so I just blog for myself. Fiverr has gotten me nothing. I don’t know what to do to do better but pay and that’s not plausible at this stage. I am working to get MORE money, not SPEND more money.

Taking Surveys

I take surveys for a few pennies if they acce4pt them. Sadly, I do QMee and the ones that Google gives. There are other programs but they ask you to pay money in order to try out games and the like. Google gives you points which you can use in apps so I don’t mind because I don’t like to spend money on games. There are a lot of game reward apps out there but then, the higher you go up, the more you have to spend money IN the game to get the rewards. In Rewarded Play, I used to get Chipotle gift cards for just playing the game but the farther up you go, the more you have to spend your money. But you’re trying to GET money so the purpose is defeated.

Darker Things

I have been looking into being a test subject, donating blood, I don’t have that many eggs to donate and they wouldn’t pass because of my medical and family history. But the BIGGEST thing I have thought to do is to be a dominatrix. I have always been asked to do it since my 20s because there are a lot of White men that want a tall, strong, Black woman to humiliate them. I am not a fan of humiliating people, but I will if someone pays me. I don’t like spitting on people and all the other things but … they pay.

I can wear a good corset to cover this belly until I get it back to where it was. I started looking into it because a TikToker that does it said to go to a dungeon and ask for training. They want you to practice being dom or sub. I don’t want to be a sub but that would be how you learn how they feel. I started looking for dungeons near here and I only found one. I think it’s going to be hard to find because they are usually underground. I was close to doing that in my early 30s when a partner of mine and I used to associate with some people in that lifestyle (yes, the hypersexuality from bipolar disorder is a thing which is why they do their best to keep me from going manic). I want to learn and maybe find some clients. Or I could do sessions on Only Fans. But who am I kidding? I’m 43. I don’t look it, but this belly does. I can do away with it though. Since I’m still losing weight, I can get back to trying to lean out.

I even looked up a class for learning how to do it but there are plenty of people that didn’t need a class but just learned. The cheapest option is to find a dungeon BUT they are usually in the upper-class area of DC. Yes, DC has freaks, always has and always will.

I can’t be a stripper. That’s just a joke in itself. I can’t dance. I would need to take some pole dancing lessons. I had a pole dancing get together and the next day I was in pain. Also, most classes are in Virginia or DC. I don’t drive in DC and the VA classes are expensive. There is one in MD but I’m not sure. Again, I am being forced to spend money to get money which is not the goal. I want to earn more money so I can stop having to ask people for help. I know that people say to let people help you, but you start to feel worthless when you KEEP having to ask.

In the End …

I’m not, nor have I ever been, a lazy person. I have tried so many things. I suggested going back into retail or just stocking a store, but the therapists don’t suggest that due to my temper. People are extremely mean and nasty to those that they think are below them. I worked at KMart in my teens, and I don’t ever want to go back to retail but I will if that means I can feed my greedy daughter, pay my rent, and not go back to the psych ward.

Thank you for reading. These are just the things that I think about and try to do to make it in this world. It’s extremely hard but I’m trying to hang on because people keep telling me they need me around and my daughter needs me. I listen and do what society tells me to do but I’m not very happy at all.

Please read some of my more upbeat posts about things like dating sites. Here’s one: Jeepers CREEPERS!!!! It’s from 2014 but still is true.

How K-Pop Changed My Life (Part 4): The Military

South Korea and Its Culture

The things I have learned about SK came from a lot of research when I became interested in K-Pop. As an EXO-L, I was first introduced to many things and even tried to learn Korean. I wouldn’t make it in Korea. I watch a lot of K-dramas as well. I have always thought that the culture was one of beauty and even wanted to visit. I also went to YouTube and Reddit where people tell you about their experiences there, especially as people of color. They don’t really like us that much. And the people that say they do, well, I guess.

I won’t get controversial here, so let’s talk about why I have a picture of BTS up. Most of the ARMY (if not all) are shitting a brick because BTS, like the majority of other celebrities, have to do their mandatory military service.

Although they did get the age for K-Pop celebrities pushed back, they were unable to avoid the military altogether much to the chagrin of their fans. The age for service is usually 18 to 28 but the “BTS Law” introduced in 2020 due to their success got the age moved to 30. I will cite my sources at the end of this.

Welcome to Our Reality

First through third generation K-Pop groups have had to go. Most people acknowledge that this is a rite of passage in SK culture, but the ARMY wasn’t for that, and many were demanding that they be excluded because of what they did for K-Pop. Yes, they did a lot, but they didn’t pave the way for K-Pop as true fans were loving groups before them which means someone paved the way for them and they still had to enlist.

I like BTS a lot, their fans are a different story and are usually very young. They don’t understand music history and many of the ones in the U.S. weren’t even familiar with BTS until DNA. Many didn’t even know what the genre was hence my rants in Why I Am NOT Mad at NCT: Hollywood and How Kpop Changed My Life – Part TWO: Fan Wars. The bottom line is that it’s not fair for other celebrities to have to go but not them.

Feel Our Pain

At the present, many of our faves are away. Taemin is in the military but had to get his duties changed due to major anxiety. Everyone was worried about him regardless of the fandom. Taemin is a member of SHINee, a solo artist, and a member of SuperM. He started in K-Pop at about 14 years old. When his fellow members were in the military, he went solo and did a great job. He will be discharged next month per this story regarding his health and discharge date. The other members of the once five-member group are doing their solo projects and are doing a very well.

Before “idols” enlist, they get some projects done due to the fact that they can’t do outside projects while enlisted. SME found a way around that by pre-recording videos by our faves while they are gone.

Taemin and SHINee did some music before Taemin left.

Advice-Taemin
Don’t Call Me -SHINee
My Ult Biases

EXO-Ls already know the pain of their favorite third generation group going to the military and still being there. They go in waves, but they do things with the existing members and then a member or two leaves. The first to go was our fake maknae, Xiumin. Suho, the leader was next then our actor, D.O. Baekhyun and Kai stayed and did solo projects and SuperM along with Taemin and members of NCT.

Jopping with Taemin, Kai, and Baekhyun

Baekhyun and Chanyeol went out with a bang. BK left after making Bambi while Chanyeol starred in a movie with a great soundtrack called The Box.

Baekhyun in Bambi
Everyone but Chen before Chanyeol and Baekhyun left

Chanyeol got discharged this week and Baekhyun will be getting out soon. Chen, not in this video, was discharged as well but has been very quiet. Why? Because, before enlisting, he was married with a baby. When he got out, his wife had another child. People were mad and he literally had to write an apology letter. I will talk about this in part five along with scandals.

Who is Left and Who Doesn’t Have to Go?

Baekhyun should be out soon and then the two youngest ones have to go: Kai and Sehun. Kai has been doing a lot with his solo career and Sehun has been out and about and even did a movie called The Pirates: The Last Royal Treasure. He barely talked but he was so cute. He also had a part in a quirky KDrama, both of which can be found on Netflix. Maybe Kai and Sehun will go together although Sehun has a tiny bit more time as the maknae of the group.

You’re wondering “Who doesn’t have to go?” In Don’t Fight the Feeling, there is a guy in red. That’s Lay. Lay was a part of the Chinese line of EXO (EXO-M). People lost their minds when they saw him in the vid although they had put him in digitally. Technically, his political affiliation puts him at risk if he were to come to SK. Also, he is not Korean so he doesn’t have to enlist. I will talk about this more in my next installment.

Our Next Batch to Go

NCT is a 21–23-member boy band group. it consists of people worldwide. A good number of their members won’t have to enlist as some are Korean American, Canadian, Chinese, Thai, Japanese, and German. The oldest in NCT is Taeil. He will have to go soon.

Taeil
In the End …

BTS is not the only group that has to go to the military. Real fans will back the other members as some go solo and others pursue other endeavors. No matter where your favorites go, you support them BUT (and I got told off for this), many people don’t have patience. Many fandoms have been doing this for years. We have patience and know that K-Pop is not all they are good for.

In my next blog in this series, I will talk about scandals and the thought that K-Pop “idols” don’t deserve to be loved. The stigma is slowly being broken but, at what cost. I will also discuss Lay’s situation and why he isn’t safe in SK.

Here are some sources about the miliary:

https://www.90daykorean.com/military-service-in-korea/#age-of-enlistment

As usual, thank you for reading. Maybe read an upbeat blog next like Jeepers CREEPERS!!!! Please like and comment as well.

My Impromptu Therapy Session at the Gym

As I have said previously, I love my little gym. I feel that my downfall of three years (the gym was closed due to COVID) was due to me not seeing my little family at the gym and talking a lot of shit.

The first time I was contemplating going to the gym while my daughter was in Taekwondo, a nice man named “Bear” told me to come in and look around. That was when I knew that it would be my home. Everyone is so nice and we’re just a small family. I really missed my people so, about 3 weeks ago, we started Taekwondo back at that community center and I saw most of my people. Some have relocated. But I am happy to be among my people. I am the only woman in there when I go and I get a log of encouragement when I work out.

Meeting a LICSW

I have seen this guy many times. I think he is familiar with the instructor. I’ve never really even had a conversation with him but I know him, you know? So he started the conversation by asking me about my daughter and how long she had been in the class. I told him about 7 years. When my mom was in the hospital, we didn’t come for about a year. She is now 16 and has a green belt.

I pointed out that it was great because she continuously proves me wrong as she has autism and a moderate intellectual disability, yet I can’t get though the first form. My baby is a determined individual, and I am so proud of her. That’s not really what this post is about but just bear with me.

He asked me about how long she had been in the class because he wants to put his daughter in the class and wanted to know what my daughter had learned. I told him about the discipline that she has now and the fact that I know from experience that she can protect herself because I have had to fight her a number of times (see Another Altercation with My Daughter). I have had to restrain her from a very young age, but she is about to turn 17 and I continue to work out to keep up with her. My job is to keep her safe. When being attacked, you have to do your best not to let the old you come out but I digress.

The therapist and I started talking about my mental disorder and how I have suicidal ideation. We talked about how it would impact my daughter and I told him that I really didn’t think it would. Later on, however, I contradicted myself in stating that my daughter notices everything. She doesn’t really understand the concept of death, but she knows if the rug is crooked. He pointed that fact out to me. He said, “So she might not notice it as quickly as others, but she will notice it and she will grieve in a different way.” My reason for living WAS my daughter but the way she has treated me makes me feel as though she doesn’t need me anymore. People say it’s selfish of me to be suicidal when you have kids but, to people with a messed up brain like mine, it makes sense. My child gets to live with someone and live off my three insurance policies.

Lessons Learned

I am still not really over the incident 13 years ago which sent me to the psych ward the first time. I’m not sure that I have written about that incident. I’m not over it because I was telling the therapist what happened and he said that my eye was squinting. I was talking to my sister today about it and she said she could hear the rage in my voice. I am still NOT over it but I don’t fault him for it. Dude was drunk and my mom didn’t help the situation. When I came in the house after being gone for 5 days, he welcomed me and gave me a hug. However, my mother made it known that my daughter didn’t even miss me.

Thankfully, my second trip to the psych ward was different in that everyone was involved. They told me that my daughter was looking for me which made me feel good; like she cared. I wasn’t told that by my mother the first time. I still harbor resentment to my mother for a lot of things, but she is still my mother. She has done so much dirt to me to the point that people were TELLING her she was wrong, and she just kept doing it anyway. That’s why I had to leave for my own sanity.

Mourning the Living

I talked about how I have a concern about my daughter because she can’t do and won’t be able to do the things that many kids her age can do. I talked about this previously here. Graduations, seeing kids younger than her drive, read, go to college are things my daughter might get to do. My daughter has to stay in school until 21 and they are basically teaching them life skills. It makes me sad and I wonder if she will find love. My daughter is a happy individual because she is oblivious to how crappy this world is while I’m over here stressing about everything.

The therapist told me straight up, “You can’t mourn the living. Your daughter is happy. Everyone loves her and she will be fine.” This is true. I have to learn to put my feelings and knowledge aside and let her life her life. She is in a program through the ARC called Ready@21 and they are training them on how to interview. In addition to this, her school is teaching them life skills as well. The teachers are great and actually care as well. They will also help her get a summer job so she can help me with money because I am drowning because I’m constantly buying her juice and the $51.46 we get per month from the deadbeat is nice but ….. nah.

Allowing Others to Help

I had to ask my sister for rent money this month because I literally didn’t have it. I have since moved my bills to the middle of the month, got rid of some things, and am just trying to make it. I have job prospects coming up as well. I am also trying to reteach myself some things.

An old boss of mine said she was working hard and asked me for my Venmo. I don’t have Venmo and I told her that. I told her I had CashApp. She was so determined to help me, she downloaded it and sent me some money to help even though I told her not to send me money. When I told the therapist this, he said “Some people want to bless others and, if you don’t let them, you are blocking their blessings. You need to accept the things that people offer you.” I know that I can do this because no one in my village holds things over my head as I wouldn’t do that to them when I am doing well. If I get a piece of cash extra, I will send them sweet things just to make their day. My sister told me that we don’t have to give money to people to make an impact.

The therapist also pointed this out. He said that I might not have money, but I give people something else that makes them feel good and want to let you know how much they love you. I have to learn to accept that fact. I do things for people to make them feel happy because we’re all going through it. I genuinely love to see people happy. I like to see them smile when they get random flowers or something simple that they mentioned. My ex-fiancé was like this, very observant. My love language is acts of service.

I will say that I have learned more humility than a little bit during these hardships. All I need is my overtime back. Until I can get that, I’m no good.

In the End …

I learned a lot about my worth in about 20-30 minutes of talking to this therapist that works with children with special needs. It changed my outlook on my suicidal ideation. It showed me to accept the love and respect people for me. It taught me that I mean more to people than I thought even if I don’t mean much to myself. People are coming forward and telling me these things and, instead of downplaying anything I do to make them feel this way, I accept it and take it in.

I will do my best to get better with the help of my village, my therapists, and family. I am trying but it is a daily struggle especially when money is needed to survive. My employer hears us though, I will give them that much. They listen but I’m just frustrated with myself because I am a fast learner so it’s a pain when I have to keep having meetings about trying to improve even though my supervisor is very nice and encouraging. I have to stop being so hard on myself.

This was a boring blog, you can skip it. I won’t be mad. Read some of my more entertaining blogs. Here are some: YouTubers and Their Lifesaving Channels (Part One), YouTubers and Their Lifesaving Channels (Part 2), Tales from the Psych Ward (Part One), Tales from the Psych Ward (Part 2): Getting to Know Other Patients, Tales from the Psych Ward (Part 3): “Therapy”, Tales from the Psych Ward (Part 4): The Final Countdown.

I have to do some revamping to this page. I have had it for 9 years now and I talk about everything. I even did a play by play of the Johnny Depp trial which was hilarious because I was actually mad. I summed up my rage here Trying to Figure Out My Rage Regarding this Trial.

As always, thank you for taking the time to read my blog. If you would like to donate to my fun for obtaining my Master’s degree before I get on a pole, you can send money to my CashApp at $kenkie21.

Hear Me Out

What if all the “heroes” were people like me with passive suicidal ideation?

I was thinking about this the other day. I would take a bullet for people so I could die, not just to save them. That’s really bad.

I thought of like a whole series on people that just want to die but can’t because the opportunity just doesn’t present itself. I’d jump in front of anyone just to die at this rate.

Life sucks. Yes, I said it.

%d bloggers like this: