I should have known this mess was going to happen to me. My uncle hit 101 and an aunt hit 100. Daddy was also 100 and he didn’t want it either. Now here I am sitting here at 100 rotting away and watching my friends and family die. This isn’t the life I wanted at all and everyone knows it.
I’m not supposed to be here but they said that God has a sense of humor. I bet he’s laughing really hard right now.
I hate it here. I wish death would hurry the hell up.
I’m really getting into makeup lately so I would likely go to someone’s beauty supply store. I might just go to an all in one place where I can buy hair and makeup. NYX cosmetics is always at the local beauty supply store.
I would look pretty and my hair would be done. I have plenty of clothes that I can wear because of my weight.
Maybe I should get a personal trainer but one can’t have a personal trainer shopping spree so I’ll stick with the big beauty supply store with hair and makeup. 🙂
Seven years ago, I truly loved my job. I really loved it. I had a great supervisor, I got along with my coworkers, the pay was better than what I had (I was fired from my previous job), and I was respected.
Seven years later, I don’t have the love that I once had for my job. I am thankful to have said job where I work from home and I have made great friends with coworkers and former supervisors (last year alone, I had 6 different supervisors). I have liked all of my supervisors and have been lucky to have good ones but the turnover doesn’t increase my morale.
For a while they didn’t treat their people as if they mattered. They have contractors that have been with the company forever that they won’t hire (this is none of my business as I was hired after 10 months of working for them) but will get hundreds more every year. It makes me feel bad but that’s just the empath in me.
The Upside
On the upside, just as I mentioned earlier, I have a job. My concerns are listened to on both the mid and high level of the corporation. I voiced my concerns last year to the CEO and they rectified the situation. There is a lot to be said for that.
I have great benefits and I just got a decent review this year which came with a bonus that was not as insulting as last year.
In the End …
I am grateful to have a job and things are getting better. I had to learn that a closed mouth doesn’t get fed so I have to just keep standing up for myself. Better things can come but I also have to make sure that I am the employee that can rise up in the ranks with my employer.
These come and go sometimes. I’m off work today for a mental health day but I’m also going to the podiatrist to help with my painful feet. I can’t run, I can barely walk and all that. It’s so annoying.
What’s more annoying is the fact that I had some plans to take care of laundry early this morning but didn’t want to do it. Now I’m beating myself up about it. I can wash the clothes after my appointment but will I want to?
I wanted to put makeup on today as well but now I don’t feel like it. I don’t feel like it at all. I might just wear some trash to my appointment as I usually do. I am beating myself up about that as well.
I wanted to take a nap before 10:00 a.m. but I’m sitting here watching Perfect Match like I can’t watch it later.
And, in other news, I still don’t have money. I’m tired of asking people and I know that they say not to worry about it because I pay them back but still…
I have to go to the store today for things I need and I’m going to have to use my credit card to get mess that I actually need. You don’t want to know my credit score right now. You just don’t. I don’t even want to know my credit score right now actually. I don’t even like looking at my bank account.
I’m sure I’m annoyed the most because my stupid period is on its way. I truly hate being a woman sometimes. I just hate a lot of things about myself today. Over it!
If you could be someone else for a day, who would you be, and why?
If I could be someone for a day, it would probably be Oprah Winfrey. She’s living her best life and minding her business. She has a farm and everything. I would just hang on my far and try on all my clothes or something.
Maybe I would be Ciara. She has a good man and a lot of money.
I the end, a day is too short. Give me a month or even a week. I’ll take that. You can’t get but so much done in a day.
I haven’t been very consistent in my blogs lately because I have been a bit sad about the views. HOWEVER, I would like to thank all the people that have been reading and following my blog.
It truly means a lot to me as a “blogger”. Seeing the views makes me happy but seeing people actually reposting and appreciating my rantings makes my day.
I am so sorry that I am inconsistent when it comes to my subjects and I’m thinking about republishing things in ORDER so that it won’t be all over the place (like my brain).
I truly appreciate each and every one of you and I will continue to blog even if it’s just for myself. My psychiatrist told me to continue to write as if I’m writing for myself so that’s what I’m going to do. You will only see honesty from me and I appreciate the fact that people like honestly.
If I could tell my teenage self anything, I would tell me that I am not my sisters and to give myself a little grace.
I would tell myself not to listen to the things my mother said about me. I would tell me to be my own person.
Life is hard but, when you have people that root against you, it doesn’t make life any easier.
My mom raised me to have a mind of my own but tore me down every chance she got even when I was doing good. With that said, I would tell myself to keep the values taught to me but understand that I am my own person.
Sadly, it took many years of therapy to understand this.
Name an attraction or town close to home that you still haven’t got around to visiting.
I live in the DC/MD/VA area. I basically have all the things around me.
One that is really embarrassing is the MGM at the National Harbor. I literally walked by it often while it was being built. I DRIVE by it to get my Starbucks (about to get some now). I still have NOT been inside. I live 5 minutes from this place.
Two others that I haven’t been to are in DC ( I live walking distance from DC). I have not been to the Holocaust nor the African American Museums. I think it’s more because I don’t WANT to go because both would infuriate me as a human being.
Being raised as a Jehovah’s Witness, we learned a lot about the people who wore the purple triangles. They were imprisoned, beaten, and killed because they refused to fight in the war. I have heard stories of the museum. I think I will pass.
I can’t do the African American Museum also because it will infuriate me. I got a taste of that HUGE museum at other museums in DC and I think I’m good on it. I still can’t watch slave movies because I would rather keep my wits about me and not want to pop people in retaliation for what my ancestors went through.
Fun times. There are many other close places I haven’t been but we would be here all day. Thanks for reading.
If you could make your pet understand one thing, what would it be?
I have a dog named Gary and I actually wrote a blog about him (My Dog, Gary “Bear” Johnson). One thing I wish he would understand is that he has food and doesn’t need to eat out the trash.
It makes him sick and works my nerves because I have to clean up everything he dragged out of the trash. He’s a jerk.
Rantings of a Mad Woman 