I am definitely putting a trigger warning here. For the past few months, I was in a bad way. SI (suicidal ideation) is normal for me, but it is usually passive. However, I have added HI (homicidal ideation) to the mix which is kind of weird but probably not.
What Is the Cause?
For me, it could be the season changing, bipolar disorder, and being drained by people when going out into the wild. I have found that I really am an empath, and I don’t like it. I talked to a LICSW at the gym about 2 weeks ago and we discussed why I probably wouldn’t be able to be a therapist (I am going to make a separate post about our eye-opening conversation). Of course, my therapist agreed. I can’t watch people suffer. It’s impossible for me to do that. I become so invested and feel it if the person is close to me to the point where I hurt if my friend is hurting. I can’t even watch the news. Since we found these things out, we had to make a plan.
Last week, I had a good three appointments. One with my therapist, another with my psychiatrist, and then my Primary Care Physician (PCP). When you have doctors and professionals that work together, it’s a beautiful thing. I talked to my other social worker (SW) through my job about two weeks prior.
Every month, I talk to my SW. She got me more Employee Assistant help (called the EAP for Employee Assistance Plan) which affords me 10 more visits through the end of the year and then I can get 10 more. This alone helped me with the cost of everything.
In addition to THIS, my job hasn’t been giving me overtime because of the fact that I can’t meet the standards they want me to reach regarding numbers (many people are having the same issue). Without overtime, I can’t pay my rent. This added more stress, so I had to reach out to my village. I’m going to have to make a total other post about that as it goes with what the LICSW said to me in the gym.
My job-appointed SW gave me two goals that would help with my stress: 1) Write a blog a week and 2) practice my CPT coding so I can find supplemental income or a new job altogether. I can’t keep depending on overtime to survive even though my job gave me a raise recently because they really gave me a slap in the face earlier in the year. Because you can talk to the CEO at my big company, I let it be known that they needed to do something about it, and they did something about it. I don’t know if I will be at that job much longer although they really are trying to help me. I did find out that there are two openings, and one is coming because a very nice lady retired and told me about the job. I will be looking out for that.
The main issue I have been having with HI is weird. I had a flashback of ALMOST pulling someone out of the car because the same situation occurred recently in my HI phase. However, because of my therapy, I did not get out of my car and act a fool like I did about 15 years ago. But I was extremely angry. Someone tried to scold me on TikTok for even speaking on the matter (which I do to show the sides of bipolar disorder). I then pointed out the fact that therapy and medication have changed me DRASTICALLY, set the scene for them, and then went back to the point that the meds and therapy help. They deleted their comment, of course.
With the SI, I have been looking at knives, but I can’t do something where my child would find me. I don’t want to add on to the trauma of losing a parent. There are so many things that I have felt and seen just from being out among people and I truly hate it. It’s really why I stay in the house. But the talk with the LICSW at the gym taught me some things too. I really have to evaluate my thinking and change it. He has his own practice as well and works with kids with special needs, which was why he started a conversation with me in the first place.
My regular therapist, psychiatrist, and PCP all helped me last week, however. Just talking to the therapist is great because she’s like a girlfriend I have known for 13 years now. I just rant, she listens, and then we analyze all my ramblings. My psychiatrist listened and we came up with changes to my medication. I am to take my Zoloft along with Abilify in the morning (to help my moods) and then Trazadone with my usual Klonopin at night. Last night, I took them together for the first time, and I got almost 8 hours of sleep. My sleep score rose as well. I will email him today, but I will be seeing in 2 months as opposed to the usual 3 because he wants to check on my progress. I email him. He also told me to send him an email when I write my blogs and to treat them as a diary that I don’t expect anyone to read. Then I went to my PCP who did my test to see if I still have diabetes. In addition to my weight loss (my psychiatrist noticed, and my smile was epic when he said he could tell in my face that I lost weight). My A1C went down a lot, I have lost about 20 lbs., so my PCP is VERY happy with that. I don’t have to go back for 6 months for my physical. My insurance might not let me use the Ozempic though because, technically, my diabetes was medication induced. There is a different code for that, but they just use DM 2. As a coder, I would use another code, but I just mind my own business. The reason I got diabetes in the first place was the Seroquel which also caused me to gain about 100 lbs even while working out very often as well as eating right.
My plans are in place, I plan to strictly adhere to them, and I hope to feel a lot better. The SI and HI, although passive, have subsided a lot. What does “passive SI and HI mean”? It means that I would like to die and/or unalive someone BUT I am not taking active steps to make it happen. I would rather someone else unalive me and I don’t have a specific person that I would want to unalive nor a plan to do either. Weirdly, this is a great improvement. If you know, you know.
I will be writing blogs more often as prescribed by my work appointed social worker. I have been getting more traffic because I repost a lot of my blogs that are STILL relevant from 5 years ago in news posts on Facebook. People actually read them. Everyone is talking about Kanye West (I will use his whole name) and the Kardashians. Because he has bipolar disorder (and possibly other comorbid mental illnesses), I can recycle old posts. A lot of people have been reading Don’t Let Your Hate for the Kardashians and Your Pro Blackness Make You Miss What’s Going On. I broke the whole situation down as to why you should take your meds and how all this isn’t the Kardashian’s fault. If you haven’t read it, just click on that link and it will take you to it. I speak as a person with bipolar disorder on what Kanye needs to do in order to stop being talked about so negatively. The main thing is to take his meds which he, like many people, doesn’t do because he doesn’t like the way the meds make him feel. This is why the process of trial and error is needed although it is frustrating. I am living proof of that. But, yes, just read that post if you are so inclined.
In The End
I will be better soon. So far, I like the new combination of my meds. I will stay in the gym and work on my life goals as well. I have a lot more coming as I have a list I made about topics to discuss. I also have to continue my series on my favorite podcasts as I have only covered one or two so far. I also would like to add another part to my K-pop series as I have seen a LOT of things happen since I started the series. I want to talk about the dark side of K-pop as well as the rules regarding joining the military and fans getting mad when K-pop stars get married.
I hope to get those out soon and stay motivated enough to continue talking about my journey because there is a lot that stays on my mind that I need to get out.
As always, thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog. Even if you skim it, it makes me happy. Have a great day!
One thought on “My Suicidal and Homicidal Ideation”
I understand the HI and SI. I have also come a long way but whenever I have to deal with an entitled prick in traffic I fantasize about HI, then my rational self reminds me that’s not a realistic option, and passive HI comes next where I imagine getting to see them involved in an awful car accident. No, I don’t act on any of those thoughts. But the anger is real.