I get this question all the time and, being the honest person that I am, I always let people know that looks have nothing to do with the quality of the woman you’re interested in. I know, in society, men go for the women with the looks. What does it usually get them in the end? You could probably ask my ex fiance what that got him in the end. He would likely say heartbreak. Some pretty or even beautiful women feel that their looks are all they need to be in a relationship. Your looks don’t feed that man (unless you’re a stripper or can will people to cook for you just by gazing upon your ample breasts and your beautiful eyes). When I was IN a relationship (really, the only long term committed relationship I was ever in), I was selfish and I truly thought that the THOUGHT of my sexiness would keep that man happy. WRONG!!!! WRONG!!!!
So, now that I’m older, I understand that it takes a lot more to please a man and to sustain a relationship/marriage. With that said, I am going down the list of things that I’ve done wrong (and that other women likely have done wrong).
Lack of Communication
I’ve had other little relationships since the 2005 demise of my one long term relationship. If you were to ask the other men in the “mini” relationships what happened to us, they will ALL say that I literally walked out of their lies when they thought things were good. This is a true statement. According to my last ex (mini relationship), I tend to talk in a language that only I can understand. He actually told me this about two weeks ago. I couldn’t dispute it because it was true. My style is all messed up. I stopped dealing with him because he told someone that we weren’t in a relationship WHICH was, in fact, TRUE at the time. He didn’t lie. LOL But it just told me (in my crazy brain) that he wasn’t trying to be with me. I admit it. BeFORE my ONE long term relationship, I did that to a lot of men. I can actually own that. I have to be more effective in my communication. The problem is that I don’t like to deal with the aftermath of me telling my feelings. I don’t want to argue about why I feel the way I feel and I honestly don’t like ending relationships. My engagement break off went like this:
My (then) fiance and I were sitting in the bed. I asked “We’re not going to get married, huh?” He was like “I don’t think so.” There was a lot of crying. I gave him the ring back. He told me to keep it but I gave it back to him because I felt that he had worked so hard for it and that I didn’t live up to my end of the bargain.
I can honestly say that I have never broken up with anyone besides that one time. All other mini relationships were basically, as I was told, ME walking out of their lives. Even when I got into said relationships, I usually think about how they will end. I don’t like to end things. That might be why I’m still friends with a lot of dudes that I dated at one time (post engagement).
Not Knowing My Role
Let me say that I’m NOT one of those people that runs around yelling about how independent they are. Sure, I’m independent because I HAVE to be, not because I WANT to be. I personally think that’s what women mean when they say it but men tend to take it personally and blame women’s independence for all the woes of the world. They blame it for chivalry being dead. No, chivalry is dead because you chose to become lazy and use women as a scapegoat. But I digress.
What I mean when I say that I didn’t know my role was me being so used to doing for myself that I couldn’t get used to someone else doing for me. I’m not THE WORST at it but I was telling someone today that I had to learn how to do things such as letting a man open a door for me. Even letting a man carry the bags from the grocery store. It’s something that I had to learn.
Yeah, this is pretty straight forward so on to the next one. LMAO!
Never Using My Freedom of Choice
If any exes read this, they might take offense but they shouldn’t and I will explain why. The relationships I have been in were usually the idea of the male involved. What I mean is that they picked me and I went along with it. In effect, I was learning to love them because they loved me. But did I ever love any of them? Was it fair to them to feel that I was as deep in love with them as they were with me? I fell in love with one man. That didn’t end well at all but we’re still very good friends.
I actually sat and thought about why I went along with the men when they picked me and I really did some soul searching. I found the reason to be that I was never chosen when I was younger. I was the tall, skinny, bookworm whose mother sheltered her from the world. I never skipped school without my mother’s permission, I went to all my classes, got great grades, had an after school job, and went to all the Jehovah’s Witness meetings. Boys (or men, to me) didn’t pay attention to me. They didn’t want me. They wanted my friends. The only thing they wanted me for was to help them pass their classes and talk about their girlfriends. Valentine’s Day was always a hard time for me. All the pretty girls had the boys (men, to me) and there I was looking like a loser, never chosen, never wanted.
I never thought that something so petty to most people would have such an impact on my life but it did. I’m not mad at anyone for it. This is why I now try to seek out men that are my actual preference physically with the personality to match. That’s the great thing about self evaluation. You learn a LOT about yourself when you really break things down and analyze them piece by piece. So lets look at other reasons why I’m single:
- I have ugly feet
- I don’t get out much
- I’m a single mom
- I don’t like getting dressed up
- I don’t like crowds
- I don’t date for fun
- I try to date one person at a time
- My memory is crappy when it comes to dating many people at once
- I don’t have a lot of time to date due to 2(1.)
- I’m scared of rejection so I don’t put myself out there often
So those are some good reasons. Sometimes I sit and complain about being single but I don’t put out as much effort as I should if I were really serious about finding someone. I sit around in windows singing Disney fairy tale songs but not really going out and seeking the prince that I sing about (if there is actually a prince out there). I can say that I have tried to do more this year. In January of this year, I approached a man for the first time that I was interested in. Nothing really came of it. I gave him my number and talked to him a few times but we’re still cool now. I then took to Ok Cupid and gave a guy that I found to be very attractive (his profile was hilarious and he wasn’t bad looking either) but that didn’t work out.
Today, I met a beautiful man that fit all of my preferences physically. I approached him first on Plenty of Fish. I’m still growing as a woman and learning more about myself. But I can say that the old adage of “A closed mouth doesn’t get fed” is true. I took it upon myself to ask him to meet me today briefly. Briefly ended up being hours of talking. Then I came home and got into trouble for being gone so long. Operation Get out of that house by August 2015 is underway. To be continued…..