Let’s REALLY Talk About Suicide

This will be the subject matter for many people in the U.S. for a while.  Robin Williams hung himself and was found yesterday. This hit close to home as most suicide stories hit close to home for me.  Some can recall that my FIRST post on here was about mental illness.  I am a card carrying sufferer of mental illness.  Laugh if you must.  Judge if you must. BUT this is the reality of MANY people in this world.  I would like to discuss some of the distasteful things I have read as far as comments on Facebook about Robin Williams and his anguish.  No lie, this post is going to be a long one but there’s a reason for it.  It’s not a subject that can be glossed over.  This is going to take a lot of looking outside of oneself which many people don’t have the ability to do.

ROBIN WILLIAMS WAS SELFISH

My response to that:  STFU!!!

That’s my response to that. And here’s why:  If you have EVER contemplated suicide (which most people have not that make this stupid comment), then you will know that MOST people that are thinking of committing suicide ARE, in fact, thinking of others when they contemplate it.  Yes, the logic may sound warped (hence the reason that depression is one of MANY mental ILLNESSES that can lead to suicide) but it makes sense.  I’ve thought of suicide on many occasions.  If you know of anyone that has committed suicide and ACTUALLY listened to them instead of telling them that they were selfish, you would understand that it’s a selfLESS act TO THEM.  To them, the world doesn’t benefit from them. To them, they bring nothing to the world, haven’t accomplished things that they and/or society feels they should’ve accomplished, feel that nothing they do is right, feel that everything is going wrong for them, etc.  There are MANY reasons why people contemplate suicide but, in MANY cases, being selfish is definitely not one of them.  When we’re talking about people that threaten suicide and make a production out of it (I’ve heard of people saying they’ll commit suicide, they take pills, and then go to where people are to fall out), this doesn’t apply. This applies to the silent person.  Or the person that really thinks that they’re doing their best to make things go right but things still go wrong and they are running out of ideas or positivity to cope with so many downfalls. 

In my personal experience, I had people tell me that thinking of suicide or speaking negatively or just verbalizing your feelings of discontent was being negative.  They told me that I needed to look at the positive side of things.  I was told to think about my child. To me, I was thinking about my child.  I have things in place for her.  She would get my life insurance (to me, I was worth more dead than alive) and she wouldn’t have to see her “crazy” mother crying all the time.  What happens when you’ve tried to look at things in a positive light and everything just continues to fall around you?  You have to look at why people have resorted to seeing just the negative.  Really, you have to get to the root of the problem.  So when someone says, “I’m really just tired of it all.”  Don’t lecture them on speaking in that manner.  How about you either comfort them or suggest that they see someone?  You don’t know their lives and to trivialize their feelings and make them feel bad for FEELING them is not the way to go. 

With that said, everyone is different.  But the best thing you can do is be a listening ear (many times they’re not asking you for solutions to their problems, they just want someone to LISTEN) or suggest that they see a professional.  If you don’t know what to say, just be quiet.  Because sometimes people open their mouths and make the situation even worse for the person who likely just wanted someone to confide in.  They didn’t want to be judged.  They just wanted to be heard.

 

HE HAD MONEY, HE COULD’VE GOTTEN HELP

Man, where do I begin with this?  SMH  So money gives you a professional that will cure you of all that ails you?  Never knew that.  I wonder why there are so many utterly depressed rich people out here then (and there are many).  Robin Williams had been to rehab. They said he had over 20 years of sobriety as well.  But something STILL was wrong.  Maybe he couldn’t figure out what it was.  Maybe the lack of the drugs and alcohol made him have to think about the things he tried to numb away.  No one knows.  But I know for a fact that money cannot just get you the perfect psychiatrist or psychologist.  It can’t give you people that genuinely care about you and your well being.  If anything, being rich will get you a stack of fake friends that don’t really care about you in the end.  Look at me speaking like I’m rich.  No, I’m not rich but I know that it’s hard to find a good therapist and I also know that it’s hard sometimes to figure out the SOURCE of your true anguish.  It takes a lot of soul searching and  remembering. Some people don’t want to remember.  Some people CAN’T remember.  So how can they tell someone about something they don’t want to or can’t talk about?  But then again, this statement is so stupid because money doesn’t solve all your problems, especially NOT mental illness.  That’s uniform for everyone rich or poor.  Mental illness is an illness.  It is not a joke.  It is not a game.  And it is NOT something to play with.

HE’S GOING TO HELL-WHY DOES ANYONE CARE?

My response:  Are you God?  

Mental illness is a sickness. This is why they call it mental illness.  It’s like diabetes.  If you don’t get treatment for it, well you can get really sick and die.  This was how it was relayed to me by my first psychiatrist.  And it’s true.  Yes, he took his life.  But were you in his head?  I don’t think half the people that are being judgmental could last five MINUTES in his head or the head of ANYONE that is desperate enough to commit suicide or even think about it.  To this I say “Let that be between he and whichever God he serves”.  You can’t spend your time worrying about where someone’s soul is going to go.  At this juncture, it’s no longer your concern.  Just offer your condolences to his family if you can’t find something tasteful to say. 

Truthfully, I can’t think of too many people that think about God when they’re thinking about killing themselves. For all you know, he could’ve prayed to God and begged Him to help take the feelings from him.  We’ll never know.  GOD might know but none of us are God so move on.

WHY AREN’T BLACK PEOPLE MORE CONCERNED ABOUT THE DEATH OF MICHAEL BROWN?  HE WASN’T SELFISH

My response:  Really?  I mean, REALLY? 

Look, the death of Michael Brown was totally a tragedy.  No one will dispute that fact.  But, to compare the life of one to another is totally stupid to me.  It’s just stupid.  Whether Robin Williams committed suicide or not, he was a human being.  He was sick.  Sane and happy people don’t just wake up one morning and say to themselves “You know what? I think today will be the day I commit suicide. YAY!”  TWO people died.  One life is no better than the other. 

And I’m sorry if people are saddened by the death of a celebrity.  Celebrities are known for the contributions to the world.  So, to many people, it’s big new that such a LOVED celebrity took his own life.  People grew up on Robin Williams.  Why take that from them?  Why make them feel as if they are less than black because they feel more for this man than a boy they just learned about.  Death is death.  The thing is: death is happening all over the world. Someone else probably committed suicide today.  Are you rallying for their deaths to be mourned as well?  No?  Then sit down.  Because, in the end, you’re just as bad as the people that you’re mad at for caring about Robin Williams. The funny thing is that we can actually grieve both.  We actually have this ability to do so.  Grieving for one doesn’t make us hate our own race (if we’re black). And grieving for the other doesn’t mean we hate the arts or white people.  We can actually grieve for both. 

HOW COULD SOMEONE THAT SEEMED SO HAPPY COMMIT SUICIDE

I remember when I worked at Shady Grove, I found out that I had Major Depressive Disorder.  I was diagnosed when I was 20.  And when I told a coworker, her first response was “But you’re always so happy and cheerful. You joke around so much.”  There are so many faces of depression.  It’s not always the person that’s just mad at the world.  It can be that happy woman that you see playing with her kids at the playground or even the man that’s got the perfect job, house and car, etc.  You never know who is suffering or even why.  It’s crazy how a man that was so nice (from what I hear) and cheerful was going through so much anguish.  It’s crazy but it happens.  Most people don’t run around saying “I suffer from depression.”  You don’t see this likely because of the horrible stigma that has been attached to it.  They like to refer to people that have a mental illness as “crazy”.  That word lost its power with me MANY moons ago.  But, to some people, it is the ultimate insult.  People don’t want others to know that they are “broken”.  Some people feel that they will no longer be looked at strong.  Once you get over thinking about what other people think and actually beCOME selfish enough to care about your own well being, you have won part of the battle. 

Sadly, many people don’t get past that.  Some people are also scared of what they might learn about themselves if they were actually to go to a therapist. That self evaluation isn’t a game.  And then, once you learn about what is causing it, you have the option to utilize medication or another means to cope with said problem.  Let me tell you, it’s not easy.  Once I learned what my issue is, I then had to do a trial and error of medications to see which one worked for me.  You don’t want to know how many meds I had to go through before I got to the ones I’m on now.  I even had a seizure off one.  So it’s not an easy road (especially if the meds are involved) BUT sometimes it’s worth it.  For some people, it’s either that, the psych ward, jail, or death.  None of those sound good so I went with the meds. 

Although there are so many other ways I can go with this I will end saying that mental illness isn’t a joke or a game.  People suffer from it. They use the term “suffer from it” because it’s not a walk in the park.  It’s not just something you “get over”.  It’s not something that thinking positive thoughts will instantly cure.  Sometimes you have to do more than praying to God as well.  It might be hard but, once you get to the root of the issue and understand what you’re working with, you can get past it. Even if they put you on meds for a short time (everyone doesn’t have to be on meds for the rest of their lives.  Sometimes they only put you on their temporarily in tandem with counseling), it’s not the end of the world.  If you don’t feel you have someone to talk to, see if you can find a counselor. There are suicide hotlines out here.  Use them.  The people don’t judge you. 

To those that don’t suffer from depression or have gotten through their depression, good deal.  I’m glad you did.  But it doesn’t go away for everyone. Everyone is different and their thoughts and feelings need to taken seriously.  If you can’t tell when a person is really crying out for help, refer them to someone that will take them seriously.  I’ve had a number of people call me when they’re at their wits end and ready to end it all.  Sometimes I wish I had me around when I was going through what I was going through. Although I’m no expert, sometimes it’s good to have someone that has been there/done that to help you express yourself and point you in the right direction.

This is the end of my rant. I had been ranting about this on Facebook all day because I was totally appalled a the comments that I saw in groups regarding his death.  It’s a shame that people don’t understand why it’s called a “mental illness”. 

 

 

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The Fabled Good Guy….Okay, Maybe Not Fabled.

I have found that there are more men that consider themselves good guys than a little bit.  Many of them like to play the victim and claim that NO ONE wants them.  I wonder if these men are being honest with themselves.  What makes a man a “good guy” to ONE doesn’t make him said good guy to ALL. Once men figure that out, they can learn not to take things so personally.  It’s great that you don’t have any kids and have a great job BUT the woman you might be interested in might want a man that has kids. Maybe your job is as a drug dealer. Do you think that all women should bow at your feet because of this?

People have preferences.  Understand that you won’t be that person for everyone.  And it’s totally okay. We will never be perfect on the eyes of others but it’s pretty nice to be close to perfect…or to think we are.

Some people throw the term “good guy” around not really knowing what it truly means.  But, then again,  it is a relative term. To a woman that used to be beaten, a good man is a man that doesn’t hit her. While to another woman,  that man might not beat you but he still gets drunk and verbally assaults her. This wouldn’t be a good man to her. You can’t be everything to everyone.

But, then again, there are good men that just BECAME  good RECENTLY and try to pass off their goodness as how they ALWAYS were. Those are guys that, if you could ask their previous girlfriends how they were before they found God, you would find out that he was a cheater,  beater, or liar. To me, no one has always been good just as no one has ever just been bad. Experiences can change you for the better or worse but I can guarantee you that you will never be the same.

As a woman,  I wasn’t always a good woman. I learned and, in some cases, was taught how to be that good woman. Am I a better woman than I was 9 years ago? Yes. Many times you have to fall on your face to learn what is acceptable.

In the end, what everyone needs to do is learn to be the good person for ONE person. If others have passed up your “goodness”, let them. It’s their loss (or gain) in the end.  Don’t let it sour you to all women to the point that you start claiming that women don’t want a good man. We all know this isn’t true. They probably just don’t want YOU. You are not the spokesperson for all the “good” men in the world.  Be honest with yourself.

 

“You’re So Pretty…. Why Are You Single?”

I get this question all the time and, being the honest person that I am, I always let people know that looks have nothing to do with the quality of the woman you’re interested in.  I know, in society, men go for the women with the looks.  What does it usually get them in the end?  You could probably ask my ex fiance what that got him in the end. He would likely say heartbreak.  Some pretty or even beautiful women feel that their looks are all they need to be in a relationship. Your looks don’t feed that man (unless you’re a stripper or can will people to cook for you just by gazing upon your ample breasts and your beautiful eyes).   When I was IN a relationship (really, the only long term committed relationship I was ever in), I was selfish and I truly thought that the THOUGHT of my sexiness would keep that man happy.  WRONG!!!!  WRONG!!!!

So, now that I’m older, I understand that it takes a lot more to please a man and to sustain a relationship/marriage.  With that said, I am going down the list of things that I’ve done wrong (and that other women likely have done wrong).

Lack of Communication

I’ve had other little relationships since the 2005 demise of my one long term relationship.  If you were to ask the other men in the “mini” relationships what happened to us, they will ALL say that I literally walked out of their lies when they thought things were good.  This is a true statement.  According to my last ex (mini relationship), I tend to talk in a language that only I can understand. He actually told me this about two weeks ago.  I couldn’t dispute it because it was true.  My style is all messed up.  I stopped dealing with him because he told someone that we weren’t in a relationship WHICH was, in fact, TRUE at the time.  He didn’t lie.  LOL But it just told me (in my crazy brain) that he wasn’t trying to be with me.  I admit it.  BeFORE my ONE long term relationship, I did that to a lot of men.  I can actually own that.  I have to be more effective in my communication.  The problem is that I don’t like to deal with the aftermath of me telling my feelings.  I don’t want to argue about why I feel the way I feel and I honestly don’t like ending relationships.  My engagement break off went like this:

My (then) fiance and I were sitting in the bed.  I asked “We’re not going to get married, huh?”  He was like “I don’t think so.”  There was a lot of crying. I gave him the ring back. He told me to keep it but I gave it back to him because I felt that he had worked so hard for it and that I didn’t live up to my end of the bargain.

I can honestly say that I have never broken up with anyone besides that one time.  All other mini relationships were basically, as I was told, ME walking out of their lives.  Even when I got into said relationships, I usually think about how they will end.  I don’t like to end things.  That might be why I’m still friends with a lot of dudes that I dated at one time (post engagement).

Not Knowing My Role

Let me say that I’m NOT one of those people that runs around yelling about how independent they are.  Sure, I’m independent because I HAVE to be, not because I WANT to be.  I personally think that’s what women mean when they say it but men tend to take it personally and blame women’s independence for all the woes of the world.  They blame it for chivalry being dead.  No, chivalry is dead because you chose to become lazy and use women as a scapegoat.  But I digress.

What I mean when I say that I didn’t know my role was me being so used to doing for myself that I couldn’t get used to someone else doing for me.  I’m not THE WORST at it but I was telling someone today that I had to learn how to do things such as letting a man open a door for me.  Even letting a man carry the bags from the grocery store.  It’s something that I had to learn.

Yeah, this is pretty straight forward so on to the next one. LMAO!

Never Using My Freedom of Choice

If any exes read this, they might take offense but they shouldn’t and I will explain why.  The relationships I have been in were usually the idea of the male involved.  What I mean is that they picked me and I went along with it.  In effect, I was learning to love them because they loved me.  But did I ever love any of them?  Was it fair to them to feel that I was as deep in love with them as they were with me?  I fell in love with one man. That didn’t end well at all but we’re still very good friends.

I actually sat and thought about why I went along with the men when they picked me and I really did some soul searching.  I found the reason to be that I was never chosen when I was younger.  I was the tall, skinny, bookworm whose mother sheltered her from the world.  I never skipped school without my mother’s permission, I went to all my classes, got great grades, had an after school job, and went to all the Jehovah’s Witness meetings.  Boys (or men, to me) didn’t pay attention to me.  They didn’t want me. They wanted my friends.  The only thing they wanted me for was to help them pass their classes and talk about their girlfriends.  Valentine’s Day was always a hard time for me.  All the pretty girls had the boys (men, to me) and there I was looking like a loser, never chosen, never wanted.

I never thought that something so petty to most people would have such an impact on my life but it did.  I’m not mad at anyone for it.  This is why I now try to seek out men that are my actual preference physically with the personality to match.  That’s the great thing about self evaluation.  You learn a LOT about yourself when you really break things down and analyze them piece by piece.  So lets look at other reasons why I’m single:

  1. I have ugly feet
  2. I don’t get out much
    1. I’m a single mom
    2. I don’t like getting dressed up
    3. I don’t like crowds
  3. I don’t date for fun
  4. I try to date one person at a time
    1. My memory is crappy when it comes to dating many people at once
    2. I don’t have a lot of time to date due to 2A
  5. I’m scared of rejection so I don’t put myself out there often

So those are some good reasons.  Sometimes I sit and complain about being single but I don’t put out as much effort as I should if I were really serious about finding someone. I sit around in windows singing Disney fairy tale songs but not really going out and seeking the prince that I sing about (if there is actually a prince out there).  I can say that I have tried to do more this year.  In January of this year, I approached a man for the first time that I was interested in.  Nothing really came of it. I gave him my number and talked to him a few times but we’re still cool now.  I then took to Ok Cupid and gave a guy that I found to be very attractive (his profile was hilarious and he wasn’t bad looking either) but that didn’t work out.

Today, I met a beautiful man that fit all of my preferences physically.  I approached him first on Plenty of Fish.  I’m still growing as a woman and learning more about myself.  But I can say that the old adage of “A closed mouth doesn’t get fed” is true.  I took it upon myself to ask him to meet me today briefly. Briefly ended up being hours of talking.  Then I came home and got into trouble for being gone so long.  Operation Get out of that house by August 2015 is underway.   To be continued…..

 

Jeepers CREEPERS!!!!

I don’t know if it has anything to do with how I look or what but the creepers are coming out the woodwork today.  Let me check the calendar to see if it’s a Full Moon.  *goes to check*  Soooo I guess it’s not a full moon and folks are just stupid everyday.  I’m sure I’m not the only one that has had these experiences but I shall tell about them anyway.  The weirdos on Ok Cupid and Plenty of Fish are in full force today.  LMAO! Wanna hear about them?  Okay.

PAYING FOR P*SSY

Some weirdo just messaged me asking me if I wanted to have a booty call. FIRST of all, if you look at his pics, they’re OLD which means he’s oldER than the pics that he has up. And he’s already old in the pics. LOL. So once I told the fool that I wasn’t on there for booty calls, he tells me that he has had five booty calls with other women on the site.  I promptly remind him that I’m not one of those women so he can kick rocks. THEN he comes back with an offer.  That’s right, he just sat on here and offered me $500.00 and said it was his “final offer”.  Well, shoot, what was the first offer? LMAO! 

Hey, times are hard and I need money like the next money but uhhhh……no.  LMAO!  I don’t know you and if you’re just paying random women to have sex with you…well, I’m not your type.  Anyhow, I turned him down and let him know that I was on the dating site looking for a husband, not some dude to just have sex with.  LMAO! And he clearly doesn’t know who he’s messing with because….well….I’m a little off and I would probably rape him, take his money, and cut him into pieces.  Okay, I wouldn’t rape him. LMAO!  I’m kidding people, sheesh, don’t call the cops. 

This just further reminds me NEVER to let my daughter online for anything. These people are nuts.  On to the next creeper (yes, there is another story).

 WORSHIPING A GODDESS

Apparently I am now a deity.  Well, you know how men LOVE to pump a woman’s head up online?  I swear, if you have low self esteem, put some pics on any dating site and you will have men out the woodwork worshiping you as if you were a queen.  Today, I got called a goddess by some old man on Ok Cupid.  Just make a note that the creepers are on both sites.  I think the truly weird creepers are on Plenty of Fish though.  Oh, maybe all of this is because it’s Friday and people are trying to find someone or something to do.  Who knows? 

Anyhow this old man is now worshiping me. It was okay to call me a goddess as his first message to me as most men talk about how beautiful I am (I’m not saying this to arrogant, but this is what they say.  Do I believe it when they say it?  Not at all but I say “Thank you” and move on with my day). But now I’m getting

You are an amazing goddess! A true superior black goddess! I offer my loyalty to bow down before you!

Sooooo how many times am I going to have to say “Thank you”.  Hey, I get it.  You think I’m pretty BUT this is going a bit overboard.  LMAO!   If I were to make a collage of all the “beautiful”, “goddess”, “statuesque”, “pretty” messages I got, you would be annoyed.  And then, and only then, would you understand how I feel.  In person, I’m not good with a lot of compliments.  So, to come onto the dating sites and get 16-20 messages of people just telling you how beautiful you are can make you a little leery of sites like this. 

ARGUING ABOUT GIVING OUT MY NUMBER

Everyday, I get some dude that wants to argue with me about the fact that I don’t want to give my number out. EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!!  I don’t know what the heck the problem is with these men but they’re always in a rush to talk to me on the phone and give their number to me (I rarely ask for their number and will only ask for it if I plan to use it). So, today (as usual), someone asks me if we can exchange numbers.  Interestingly enough, I just talked to them (barely) today. The excuse is always “I don’t come on here a lot”.  Hey, well, if you see someone that you’re interested in and enjoy conversation with you, you WILL come on the site to talk to them, now won’t you? *lookin*  Well, at least I did.  And then, after talking to them for a little bit, I will ask them for their number and give them mine.  But these guys come on, say “My name is __________, here’s my number, call me”.  That’s when I invite them to read my flippin profile and think about it.  I’ve got dudes on these sites that have been talking to me for weeks and they respect what I put out there enough to wait.  I respect them for that and THEN they get my number.  So, anyhow, today this guy responds to me NOT giving my number out by saying this:

That is ok. To me, that is the one of the best way of communication to me to get to know someone! By talking and seeing each other. It is all good with your e-mailing way of getting to know a person. I just don’t think people who are trying to get to know each other can gain anything by just looking at your computer or phone and typing to get to know someone. Lol.

My response:

I gain pretty well actually. I’m not saying talk to me for the rest of your life on the computer. However, number exchanging does come a little later. Not the day of. Not even the week of sometimes. My profile clearly states that. I’ve met someone on here and talked to him in person and on the phone for five months. But it comes in its own time. I don’t rush anything.

To me, you’re not interested if you can’t wait at least a little bit to talk to someone.  I know I’m different, and I’m fine with that.  It’s not a huge problem unless you’re planning on getting off the site and disabling your account. If that’s the case, well, do that.  Disable your account and call it a day.  You could miss out on something good.  My request is simple.  I don’t force it on you.  If you don’t like the request, just bounce. I won’t judge you.  But don’t sit there and try to argue my personal rule with me because you’ll lose.  He responded but, at that point, he got deuced out.  I didn’t particularly care for him anyway. 

Oh, the Goddess guy just sent me another message.  He now wants to be my slave.  *blank stare*  Let me end this blog here.  I’ll let you know what happens with that guy later. LMAO!

Maybe I’m NOT that Great of a Catch!

So I left Ok Cupid alone for a while and decided late last week to go ahead and try Plenty of Fish.  Would you like to hear about THAT experience? Okay, POF is like Ok Cupid on steroids.  I think there are WAYYYY more members on POF than there are on Ok Cupid. I don’t know how I feel about that but yeah….maybe that’s why my title works in this case.  LOL

Anyhow, I’m on POF and I’ve seen a lot of things. It’s usually the same thing with people throwing their numbers out at you and the like.  I’ve noticed a lot of very attractive men on the site and I’ve even started communication with them.  Some answer me and some don’t.  What makes it worse when they DON’T answer you is when you see that they went to your page and STILL didn’t say anything to you.

Do you know how that makes a person feel?  Hey, according to society, I’m attractive.  So I have a problem when someone that I actually stuck my lil neck out to speak to doesn’t even speak back.  But shoot, what if they DID speak back and told me I wasn’t their type?  Would that make it any better?  I guess not so I’ll live.

But that leads me to what I was really musing about to even make this blog today.  I was reading some of my profile and maybe I do come off a bit scary.  I sound aggressive but I’m one of those people that know what they want.  There are a lot of men out here that claim that women don’t know what they want but when she TELLS you that she knows what she wants and breaks it down for you, you’re scared.  You start to think that she’s too much woman for you.  I can tell you what I want and what I won’t accept.

Well, What DO You Want?

I would like a man that is attentive, caring, loving, accepting of my daughter and I, confident in himself (but not arrogant), and observant to name a few things.  An attentive man doesn’t have to be told everything.  An observant man doesn’t either because he pays attention to the woman that he’s interested in or with and kind of stays ahead of the game.  I can say I dated ONE man that did that and I almost married him.  There were days when I would just get hit with exactly what I wanted out of the blue. He KNEW me so well that he could tell what I was interested in. I NEVER got a useless gift from that man and he ALWAYS let me know that he was thinking about me.  Had I appreciated that, I wouldn’t be here right now lamenting my singleness OR be on POF or Ok Cupid in the first place.  You don’t find that type of man on those sites because a SMART woman has already snatched him up.

I want a man that lets me know that he cherishes me, respects me, and craves my love in return.  No one likes a one sided relationship. It’s not fun and it doesn’t last.  There are more things that I want but I would be typing all day. And, although I can type near 95wpm, I don’t think you guys want to read all that.

Now, back to what I was saying about me NOT being a great catch.  I’ve done some self evaluation (I do this a lot actually) and I noticed that I am a bit difficult.  In addition to being difficult, I can be a bit stubborn. If things aren’t done my way, I just say “Forget it” and bounce (not in relationships, I mean with these men on the dating sites).

Example:

Men that give me their phone numbers within the first two days of them even beginning to talk to me annoy me. I will just stop talking to you if you do so.  IN MY DEFENSE, however, I say it in my profile.  If they READ my profile, which is essentially a How To for Kendra, they would KNOW NOT to do it.  Yet, some of them do it anyway.

There is a LOT of useful information in my profile.  It’s so useful.  It tells you the consequences of your stupid actions.  Ask me my name when it’s at the beginning of the profile AND in parentheses next to my screen name and I’ll question your level of intelligence.  Is that wrong?  Maybe it is.

A few of the guys that have worked up the confidence to approach me let me know that I am kind of scary. I guess I should be that soft, gentle, dummy that lets men run the same game on her.  I don’t know.  If I can’t be myself on the site, then why be on it in the first place?

Then there was an incident with a VERY attractive, educated man that had his profile stating that he doesn’t want kids and doesn’t have kids.  Well, why are we talking again?  My friends on Facebook feel that I didn’t give the man any credit. Well, I have a child with special needs and if you don’t have kids and don’t want kids, that leads me to believe we’re not going to work out.  Some of my friends said that I was overreacting.  But I’m sorry, in Mama Bear Mode, my daughter comes first.  Why even start a conversation with someone that you know isn’t really going to work out with your child that you are here to protect?  Well, I didn’t STOP talking to him, I gave him a chance to explain himself. He just chose NOT to explain himself.  So that was the end of that.  I don’t think I was being a jerk though.  And I personally would like another go at being a mom.  I would like to have a husband by my side this time but I would still like to have a chance to do it again.

I’m not sure what my future is going to be on the sites as everyone is in such a RUSH to meet.  Maybe their clocks are ticking (I made a previous blog about that).  But you can’t rush a relationship like that.  You might set yourself up to be in an unhappy marriage playing around like that.  I’m not dating for fun, I’m dating for keeps.  So, if I’m giving you my number, and allowing you to interact with me all day every day, I have to at least know you enough and LIKE you enough to give you my number.  Sure, you can block people but why do all that?  How about you keep your number private until you’re sure you want that person to have access to you?  I see nothing wrong with that.

And even with the stipulations that I have put out there for people, some still try to interact with me and make it known that they would like to meet me.

The Problem With That

Yeah….this is where the whole “single mom” thing comes into play.  I don’t have time to myself to just go on these dates with men at their whim. Most of these men are part time fathers or not fathers at all.  Because I’m a responsible mom, I’m not letting my daughter meet any of them, and I’m not just pawning her off on people to meet some dude that I haven’t talked to for longer than a week.  So this is another issue.

In the end, I really don’t think I should even be on dating sites. Until I can get some things together, get my own place, and get my daughter squared away, this is just a waste of time. And I sure don’t want to waste my time or others. See, this is what you get for being a responsible, objective, and honest person.  Go figure.

Online Dating – Let’s Be Honest….

GAWD!!!!! About six months ago, I went on OK Cupid to be nosy. My boss was on there and told me that it was pretty nice and she met a lot of nice guys. I went more to observe. I like to observe people. I do that a lot on Facebook too so this wasn’t any different. Anyhow, I’ve learned a lot about people from going on Ok Cupid.

FIRST THINGS FIRST— PROFILE PIC

When I first got on there, I made it a point to post some regular pictures.  I’m known on Facebook for posting unattractive pictures so I decided to do a spectrum of pics.  The thing about me is that I feel that no one is ALWAYS beautiful and I wanted to show that on my page SO I posted a few silly pics. I had one chillin with some food that a friend had made me.  I had another one of me with rollers in my head looking a hot mess but the nice pics outweighed the unattractive ones. I got a good number of prospects looking at my page but then I decided that I needed to put a voice to the pics.

SURE, LET’S MAKE A PROFILE…..THAT NO ONE READS

Okay, so you sit here and you tell the world about yourself.  You do all this and guess what?  NO ONE reads it.  I had so many people asking me my name and what I did for a living that I finally had to make a disclaimer at the beginning of my FLIPPIN summary about myself because NO ONE read it.  I mean, it was horrible.  So here’s my disclaimer:

*PLEASE READ MY PROFILE. IF YOU DON’T AND ASK ME A QUESTION THAT WAS ADDRESSED IN IT, YOU WON’T HEAR THE END OF IT* 🙂

Do you know that EVEN with this they STILL asked me my name, where I worked, what I did for a living, etc.  So I finally got to the point that if someone asked me, they got ignored OR blocked. Depending on whether I was in a “mood” or not, I would point them in the direction of my lengthy “About Me” section.  To me, if you’re interested in someone, you would want to read about them.  OR if you see something you like, wouldn’t you want to read about them and see what they’re about to see if the personality matches the pics?  But hey, maybe I’m a weirdo and this whole online stuff isn’t for me.

I mean, after the whole disclaimer or whatever you want to call it, I answered a good THREE questions for them:

“My name is Kendra. I’m a single mom. I’m a Medical Biller and Psychology student. I don’t play games and I don’t like games to be played with me. I have a great sense of humor but I do like to be respected at all times. I’m a 6 footer as well. I have no problem with short men. Love is love is love is love. 🙂 “

I don’t know. Maybe I missed the memo.  Even IF you SKIM the flippin information, you would know this much.  But, alas, I still get asked my name and what I do for a living.  So I had my lil pic up and I was chillin.  But then I decided to do a social experiment.  I put up a pic of me in a white sports bra (most women know that this equals a LOT of cleavage especially when you have boobs my size).  So I put the pic up and what happened? The number of visits to my profile escalated.  With THAT came even MORE stupid comments and questions.

HI, HERE’S MY NUMBER

So, let me get this straight.  If you see someone you like, you just automatically give them your number?  You don’t find out a little bit about them?  Like if they’re a psycho killer or something?  You just GIVE them your number and say you wanna meet up.  I don’t know if you folks watch Snapped or Stalked or Deadly Obsession (thanks TruTV and Oxygen) but…um…people are flippin NUTS out here.  You don’t give ANY info to these folks because they can pull a Catfish and reverse phone number look you up. Then what?  They might show up to your house with Neve trying to figure out if it’s you or something.  Okay….maybe I watch too much TV but I’m just saying.  I’m not giving you my number and I don’t have the google phone or whatever that mess is to be playing games with people.  If I give you my number, it’s my number and I want to talk to you.  I don’t just give some random dude that liked my pic (like the other 100+ people that liked it) my number.  I’m really a Plain Jane and I really don’t do games. Funny thing is that I actually tell so much about myself in the summary about myself that you either love me or hate me.  But it seems that most people love me based on the pics that I put up.

But this is also a testament to the fact that people don’t READ my About Me section because here’s anOTHER excerpt from my summary:

I am a homebody. I don’t like to instantly just go out with people because I truly don’t know them and this world is a scary place. I like to talk to you on here first before even giving you that option. Don’t you want a careful woman? You don’t want some woman just giving all her info and going out on dates with people all willy nilly, correct? If you do, you should probably skip my profile. LOL. I’m not desperate and I don’t like desperate men.

BUT that’s them not reading again because the first thing they do after saying “Hello”  (IF they even say “hello” because some just cut to the chase but we’ll get to that later) is give me their number.  You give me your number just like that huh?  Sure, I’m glad you would like to get to know me but could we at least talk on Ok Cupid FIRST to see if it’s worth even exchanging phone numbers?  Okay, maybe I’m just uptight or maybe I shouldn’t even BE on Ok Cupid.  I’m about to go on Plenty of Fish and see how that works out too.  I just like to go on there to have stories to tell.  If you haven’t been on any of those sites, I suggest you go there for sh*ts and giggles. You’ll have plenty of stories to tell.  Hey, let me tell you some of them now.

FOOT FETISH GUY

I kid you not, there was a dude with the word “Foot” in his name that was stuck on feet. He wanted to know what size me feet were and if I could pick things up with my feet.  I promptly blocked him. Hey, I’m no fool AND I have ugly feet.  What I look like messing with someone that loves feet with feet like mine.  Hey, I’m not in denial of the truth. I might be pretty but yeah….my feet aren’t the best.  Like it or lump it.  LOL

COOCHIE GUY

I ran into that one today.  Today, I was just chillin on Ok Cupid minding my own business.  Well, I lied, I was on Ok Cupid correcting people for NOT reading my profile when this dude comes out of nowhere.  He says “So sexy”.  I say “Thank you”.  The fool then proceeds to say “I eat good coochie”. Now, I’m one of those people that doesn’t sugarcoat anything and I really wasn’t for all that mess today so I said “Yeah…thanks for letting me know that although I didn’t ask you.”  Then the fool says “So sexy” again.  So MY response this time was “So I see why you need the help of this site.  Do better.”  I got no response back.  I should’ve blocked him but I would love to see if he has the GALL to respond to me.  I bet this fool doesn’t know why he is single.  I mean, with lines like that…..well…..the women should be JUMPING in his thirsty boat.  *blank stare*

The final one that I received today just had me dumbfounded:

NICE ASS ….GUY

Okay, so while I’m telling this other idiot about himself for not reading my profile (well, I guess black women do have attitude problems but you would too if you kept hearing (reading) the same BS from these dudes as if it’s supposed to make you like them but I digress) I get another message from a guy that doesn’t greet me.  His message was “Nice ass”.  *blank stare*  Soo….you can’t even say hello. If you were walking down the street and you saw someone with a nice behind, would you just say “Nice ass” without a hello?  He got no response.  It wasn’t even worth it.  This is the stuff that you get on Ok Cupid (if you look like something).  If you’re unattractive….well….maybe I should do a social experiment on that one.

I can say that I’ve commented on people’s profiles via message and gotten no response.  So, instead of checking my breath in real life, I look at myself like “Am I ugly?”  LOL  But I know I’m not….well…I could look worse anyway.  The funny thing is that, if there was no option for pictures on the site, how many people would even get approached?  Would I get approached based off my snarky profile?  Probably not. They’d think I was a b*tch and move on to the next woman that was a little more subtle.

GOOD MATCHES

Good matches exist.  There are some good dudes on these sites but, honestly, you have to READ.  Any person that takes the time to actually answer the questions on the site and actually TELL about themselves is in it for real.  They’re not on here playing. There are a lot of questions that they have for you to answer.  To me, the more in depth the profile is, the more serious the person is when it comes to being in a relationship….well, unless they just love talking about themselves.  My summary is very in depth.  I didn’t leave too many holes.  All of the regular questions such as “Why are you single?” and “Do you have any kids?”  are answered.  I can tell you why I’m single and I point out the fact that I have flaws which many people tend NOT to do on the site because, like most single people, they’re trying to sell themselves.

I can say that I have met a few men on there.  I actually went out on a couple of dates with one and thought that we might have a future but, just like dating in the real world, people aren’t always what they seem.  I think we were a match at first but our styles of communication and our goals were just a little different.  I wouldn’t tell anyone NOT to go on the online dating sites because I think that you should be able to meet someone wherever.  I would just say that, in both environments, you really need to get to know a person by what they show you and what they tell you. They don’t have to be in your presence to show you who they are or what they’re about.  A truly observant person that’s not in denial will see the truth for what it is.

Well, thanks for reading and I’m sure I’ll have more stories for you guys very soon.  Well….until I find my husband. LOL Nevermind, I’ll have stories for a long time.

Recycling Relationships – Why We Do It?

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I can tell you guys that I know a lot about this topic.  Why?  Because I am so guilty of it.  I really am and I can admit it with no problem at all.  Admitting that you do something that is considered “stupid” by society is not a sin.  Many people do a lot of things that are dumb but they just don’t admit it often.  Me?  I have no shame.  As long as I learn from it and educate people on it so that they don’t make mistakes like I did, I say, whatever.

So let’s really talk about this.  I’ve been in very few relationships in my life.  I’ve only really had one long term relationship.  I cannot recycle that one as he is married and he figured out before he married me that I was a looney broad.  And I’m happy for him. He’s happy and found someone so much better.  I say this to say that usually, after a relationship is ended, I take it upon myself to reevaluate myself and figure out why the relationship failed.  Many times, it is my fault and I can accept it as well as work on it.  Once I have worked on my issue that got me out of my relationship, I grow as a person and resolve to move on.  But what happens when I’ve moved on to the next guy and it doesn’t work out?

Usually, after a failed relationship, we (again) evaluate ourselves and reflect on past failed relationships.  When we do this, we then think of our exes and remember the good times.  This is NOT a good thing but it sometimes happens.  Also, after the demise of a relationship, we start to go hard on ourselves and sometimes feel that no one wants us.  So what do we do?  We go back to the person that we were once happy with.  If they respond to our “Hello” text, what do we do?  We reconnect.  We reconnect because we don’t want to start all the way over again with a new person.  Some women around my age (mid 30s) are thinking about that biological clock ticking.  We want to at least be married and maybe push out some kids before we hit 40.  So we go back to what will take a shorter time to reestablish.  Think about it:  It’s likely going to take at least a year to find some NEW person that will marry you (usually after a year of dating).  If you recycle an ex, guess what, you’ve just shaved about 6 mos off your courtship.

 

ImageTHAT WHORE OF A BIOLOGICAL CLOCK

Now, I’m not saying that this is the RIGHT way to think but, alas, it is the way that many people think.  That biological clock can trick us into doing all kinds of crazy things.  And it’s usually women that will be the first to recycle because of this clock.  That clock has been harassing women for centuries.  Remember, women only make a certain number of eggs. Once we run out of eggs or our eggs get old, that’s it.  No more kids.  And most women at least want ONE marriage under their belt.  Remember, I’m saying MOST women.  And don’t get me started on society making women that AREN’T in relationships feel like they are less than.  I mean, how many times have women heard the “And that’s why you don’t have a man” comment thrown out as an “insult”.  That’s right, if we have a man, we’re better to society. We’re actually someone that someone SOMEWHERE wants.  That’s right, even if he beats us and treats us like crap, at LEAST we have a man.  You know what, that’s another blog for another day.  Believe me, I hear that one a LOT.  I know why I’m single.  And usually the person throwing that “insult” out is a a single man.  *blank stare*  Yeah, there’s a such thing as a SINGLE man.  Go figure.  Okay, let me get back on the topic though.

The biological clock is the bane of many women’s existence.  What we as women NEED to do is ignore that stupid clock.  All it causes is the double D’s:  Depression and Desperation.  Both are bad (yes, there is a such thing as BAD double D’s).  I’m sure people are saying “Well, you’re saying this because you have a child.”  Yes, I have a child but I would like to be married.  Back in the day, I wanted to be married by the age of 30.  I was almost married by 26 but life happened.  Things don’t always go according to plan and, instead of wallowing in the “what ifs” and all that, we have to keep on moving.  Don’t just freeze because things didn’t happen the way you wanted them to WHEN you wanted them to.  Don’t let that clock make you make stupid and hasty decisions that can have a HUGE impact on your future.

While I encourage women and men to think about their mistakes in past relationships, I don’t want people to attempt to return to said past relationships.  Why?  Because, although YOU might’ve changed for the better, your former mate might not have done so. So why bring the better you to a person that didn’t want you before and was ALSO part of the demise of your former relationship.  Contrary to popular belief, relationships include TWO people.  So, although you might think you were the demise of your former relationship, you weren’t.  You just weren’t.

 

GETTING TO KNOW YOU

Another reason why people usually return to their exes is because it’s less work.  Who wants to learn a new person from the beginning again?  You have to learn the new person’s likes and dislikes, personality, sexual strengths and weaknesses, etc.  Some people are like “Ain’t nobody got time fo dat”.  Well, if you want a lasting relationship, you’d better MAKE time for that.  Again, you can’t sit and worry about the time. Everything that happens in your life (including your relationships) happens for a reason. Relationships happen when they do,  You can’t force that.  So don’t.  Just go with the flow.  That’s one thing that I had to learn.  Rushing a man or a woman into a relationship can cause a relationship to just stop short and end quickly.  You might have a timeline but your mate has to be on the timeline as well.  Most times, they’re not. Most times they don’t even know about your timeline.

So, before you call your ex and ask them how they’ve been or what they’re doing, remember this:  If you get back with someone you once were with, they might be the same person that you couldn’t get along with in the past.  They might be even worse because they’ve had relationships that changed them (maybe for the worst).  No one really likes repeats.  I don’t read books twice and I won’t watch a show twice knowing what the outcome is going to be.  Sure, the feelings might be there (or not) but it doesn’t mean that you can have a better outcome.  It doesn’t mean that you can’t either but you’ve already had a taste of what it’s like.  If it didn’t work out once, it likely won’t work out the second go round.

Now, there are some exceptions.  I know there are.  However, in my personal experiences, well……LOL.  My friends usually try to remind me of the past failings in my relationships because they know what happened. I know what happened too because I was in the relationship but sometimes, I’m a dummy. LOL  Nothing but a dummy.  In my stupidity, however, I can tell you how us stupid women (and sometimes men) think.  Now, what I need to do is take my own advice.  I’ve got the ignoring the biological clock part down but trying to bring a new person to an old relationship is something I need to work on.  People change but sometimes all the changing in the world can’t change the relationship in the end. Why not give your time and effort to a new person?  Failed relationships are for lessons, you don’t always need a do over.  Sometimes it’s just best to leave things alone.