My Suicidal and Homicidal Ideation

I am definitely putting a trigger warning here. For the past few months, I was in a bad way. SI (suicidal ideation) is normal for me, but it is usually passive. However, I have added HI (homicidal ideation) to the mix which is kind of weird but probably not.

What Is the Cause?

For me, it could be the season changing, bipolar disorder, and being drained by people when going out into the wild. I have found that I really am an empath, and I don’t like it. I talked to a LICSW at the gym about 2 weeks ago and we discussed why I probably wouldn’t be able to be a therapist (I am going to make a separate post about our eye-opening conversation). Of course, my therapist agreed. I can’t watch people suffer. It’s impossible for me to do that. I become so invested and feel it if the person is close to me to the point where I hurt if my friend is hurting. I can’t even watch the news. Since we found these things out, we had to make a plan.

The Plan

Last week, I had a good three appointments. One with my therapist, another with my psychiatrist, and then my Primary Care Physician (PCP). When you have doctors and professionals that work together, it’s a beautiful thing. I talked to my other social worker (SW) through my job about two weeks prior.

Every month, I talk to my SW. She got me more Employee Assistant help (called the EAP for Employee Assistance Plan) which affords me 10 more visits through the end of the year and then I can get 10 more. This alone helped me with the cost of everything.

In addition to THIS, my job hasn’t been giving me overtime because of the fact that I can’t meet the standards they want me to reach regarding numbers (many people are having the same issue). Without overtime, I can’t pay my rent. This added more stress, so I had to reach out to my village. I’m going to have to make a total other post about that as it goes with what the LICSW said to me in the gym.

My job-appointed SW gave me two goals that would help with my stress: 1) Write a blog a week and 2) practice my CPT coding so I can find supplemental income or a new job altogether. I can’t keep depending on overtime to survive even though my job gave me a raise recently because they really gave me a slap in the face earlier in the year. Because you can talk to the CEO at my big company, I let it be known that they needed to do something about it, and they did something about it. I don’t know if I will be at that job much longer although they really are trying to help me. I did find out that there are two openings, and one is coming because a very nice lady retired and told me about the job. I will be looking out for that.

The main issue I have been having with HI is weird. I had a flashback of ALMOST pulling someone out of the car because the same situation occurred recently in my HI phase. However, because of my therapy, I did not get out of my car and act a fool like I did about 15 years ago. But I was extremely angry. Someone tried to scold me on TikTok for even speaking on the matter (which I do to show the sides of bipolar disorder). I then pointed out the fact that therapy and medication have changed me DRASTICALLY, set the scene for them, and then went back to the point that the meds and therapy help. They deleted their comment, of course.

With the SI, I have been looking at knives, but I can’t do something where my child would find me. I don’t want to add on to the trauma of losing a parent. There are so many things that I have felt and seen just from being out among people and I truly hate it. It’s really why I stay in the house. But the talk with the LICSW at the gym taught me some things too. I really have to evaluate my thinking and change it. He has his own practice as well and works with kids with special needs, which was why he started a conversation with me in the first place.

My regular therapist, psychiatrist, and PCP all helped me last week, however. Just talking to the therapist is great because she’s like a girlfriend I have known for 13 years now. I just rant, she listens, and then we analyze all my ramblings. My psychiatrist listened and we came up with changes to my medication. I am to take my Zoloft along with Abilify in the morning (to help my moods) and then Trazadone with my usual Klonopin at night. Last night, I took them together for the first time, and I got almost 8 hours of sleep. My sleep score rose as well. I will email him today, but I will be seeing in 2 months as opposed to the usual 3 because he wants to check on my progress. I email him. He also told me to send him an email when I write my blogs and to treat them as a diary that I don’t expect anyone to read. Then I went to my PCP who did my test to see if I still have diabetes. In addition to my weight loss (my psychiatrist noticed, and my smile was epic when he said he could tell in my face that I lost weight). My A1C went down a lot, I have lost about 20 lbs., so my PCP is VERY happy with that. I don’t have to go back for 6 months for my physical. My insurance might not let me use the Ozempic though because, technically, my diabetes was medication induced. There is a different code for that, but they just use DM 2. As a coder, I would use another code, but I just mind my own business. The reason I got diabetes in the first place was the Seroquel which also caused me to gain about 100 lbs even while working out very often as well as eating right.

Now What?

My plans are in place, I plan to strictly adhere to them, and I hope to feel a lot better. The SI and HI, although passive, have subsided a lot. What does “passive SI and HI mean”? It means that I would like to die and/or unalive someone BUT I am not taking active steps to make it happen. I would rather someone else unalive me and I don’t have a specific person that I would want to unalive nor a plan to do either. Weirdly, this is a great improvement. If you know, you know.

I will be writing blogs more often as prescribed by my work appointed social worker. I have been getting more traffic because I repost a lot of my blogs that are STILL relevant from 5 years ago in news posts on Facebook. People actually read them. Everyone is talking about Kanye West (I will use his whole name) and the Kardashians. Because he has bipolar disorder (and possibly other comorbid mental illnesses), I can recycle old posts. A lot of people have been reading Don’t Let Your Hate for the Kardashians and Your Pro Blackness Make You Miss What’s Going On. I broke the whole situation down as to why you should take your meds and how all this isn’t the Kardashian’s fault. If you haven’t read it, just click on that link and it will take you to it. I speak as a person with bipolar disorder on what Kanye needs to do in order to stop being talked about so negatively. The main thing is to take his meds which he, like many people, doesn’t do because he doesn’t like the way the meds make him feel. This is why the process of trial and error is needed although it is frustrating. I am living proof of that. But, yes, just read that post if you are so inclined.

In The End

I will be better soon. So far, I like the new combination of my meds. I will stay in the gym and work on my life goals as well. I have a lot more coming as I have a list I made about topics to discuss. I also have to continue my series on my favorite podcasts as I have only covered one or two so far. I also would like to add another part to my K-pop series as I have seen a LOT of things happen since I started the series. I want to talk about the dark side of K-pop as well as the rules regarding joining the military and fans getting mad when K-pop stars get married.

I hope to get those out soon and stay motivated enough to continue talking about my journey because there is a lot that stays on my mind that I need to get out.

As always, thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog. Even if you skim it, it makes me happy. Have a great day!

Why I Haven’t Been Blogging for a While

A lot has been going on in my life and I had every opportunity to share it with you guys, but the motivation wasn’t there. As we all know, I have bipolar disorder. Lately, I have been having homicidal and suicidal ideations.

Why?

I can say that about three weeks ago, I went out “into the wild” for things that I needed two days in a row and, I don’t know if I’m an empath, but I know I am not agoraphobic. There’s just something about people I don’t like. It’s the expectation that someone is going to test me and take me out of character.

Please believe I am trying to find ways to combat this as I can’t just be a homebody and I don’t want to pass that onto my daughter. She is the sweetest and I can’t put my issues on her.

People like me and I like (certain) people, but I know the intent of those people that I know. I don’t know the intent of people in public. These people are literally out here living their best lives and leaving mine alone but I’m always on alert. I don’t live in the BEST area either. I have no reason to have PTSD from an attack or anything either so I don’t know the actual source of this but I will explore it more with my therapists.

Most of the things I do, as I have talked about in previous posts, are in the morning when there is no one around, or by just taking my dog for a walk. Although one lady wanted to fight me while I was picking up the poop that my dog has JUST done. I will just say that God protected her. I probably told that story.

I Just Want Peace
Photo by Riccardo on Pexels.com

Because I want peace and can’t seem to get it, I started having suicidal ideations again. And just rage. But I can’t say it was a manic episode because I still didn’t want to get up and get anything done. Because I refuse to go back to the psych ward, I will find another way to be gone but I don’t want my daughter to see. I had been eyeing knives. My job appointed social worker had to make a weekly call just to make sure I didn’t do anything to anyone or myself. I won’t hurt my child or animals. And, if I get into a fight, I will fight to kill or I will get killed. Those things don’t matter to a person like me.

Look at that subtopic and then look at all the things I just said; contradictory, right? My psychiatrist asked me if I wanted an earlier appointment, and I told him that I would hang on for the meantime. I have two other therapists (they don’t regulate my meds) that I can vent to though. The bipolar brain is one of chaos and I don’t like this chaos. I don’t like this world and I don’t want to be in it, but people keep showing me how I impact and enrich their lives and that does give me purpose. Honestly, I didn’t really know my purpose until people kept telling me and it’s not like I asked but I think they just needed to let me know.

Things I Am Trying
Photo by Mikhail Nilov on Pexels.com

My daughter is back at her home community center for Taekwondo so I am seeing some of my old buddies in the gym and am running again. This week I did a mile and a half in 30 minutes with Couch25k (if you don’t have it, get it, I swear by it). I got back to lifting my weights again and putting my anger into reps.

I started meditating and trying positive affirmations. I can’t say that’s really working for me, but I will keep trying. Thanks Spotify.

I am trying not to be too hard on myself for the things I can’t do or am not motivated to do.

I took a whole week off (I planned this like two months ago) and I really have just been sleeping and doing laundry.

I have learned to ask for help. My siblings have been very helpful.

I try to find people that have worse problems than I do so as not to feel like a victim of circumstance. That sounds bad but I literally watched a mom with no full hands make dinner and garden. She’s not complaining. My psychiatrist says that this is a good way to look at things. He said it shows that I’m not just trying to sit in my depression.

Photo by kinkate on Pexels.com

I watch people do makeup. Watching people do makeup has always been something I have loved to do. I’m constantly being told to pick my brushes back up and I want to but I hate wasting money. I have so much beautiful makeup and I try to help small, black owned businesses by buying palettes. I don’t use them because I’m not going anywhere. So, many MUAs on TikTok say that it’s therapy for them just to do their makeup and take pics. I want to do that too. I am still trying to get motivated but it’s coming.

Some Positive Things Are Happening
Photo by maitree rimthong on Pexels.com

On my birthday, I got a raise from my job (in addition to the slap in the face they gave me at the beginning of the year) which went into effect this pay period. I am still short on rent money but about $200 BUT it’s not $400. Weird thing: I watched Rent for the first time so that I could have someone to identify with which is kind of sad.

I have gone to TikTok and found a little bit of a family (I will be blogging about my experiences there because it’s not all good) in the LGBTQIA+ community. I have been chosen as moderator for so many people because I stand up for them. I don’t like bullies. That is something that I have always had an intense dislike for as a child. But the community has also taught me a lot too. I identify with them in a way but I will talk about that later.

Photo by SHVETS production on Pexels.com

Oh, I have also lost weight with Ozempic (which will soon be taken because I’m sure my A1C has gone back down and the diabetes was medication induced (again)). I went from 248 lbs to 216.2 (I just weighed myself). I can’t SEE it but that’s what my scale says so I’ll take the W on that.

Today Is My Birthday (Again)

Well, I’m Still Here

Some of you have been here through a lot of my trials and tribulations. How I am still here is a mystery to me as well, but it took a lot of people to keep me here.

Guess What?

It is now 8 days later (my sister’s birthday) and my mind is so messed up that I had no motivation to even finish this. Bottom line: I’m still here, like it or not.

THE END!

Why Lizzo’s Weight ISN’T Your Business

I’m sure everyone has heard the mess about Aries Spears who claims he has been in the comedy game for years talking about Lizzo’s weight. I will not repeat what he said because he literally is not relevant. If you came here to see me defend him and his raggedy opinion, WRONG BLOG! I am usually an objective person but enough is enough at this point.

As I have said on many occasions, I have been body shamed my whole life literally. I have made blogs from years ago discussing me being made fun of in the black community for being too skinny and then ending up on the other side of the spectrum due to medications that I need to maintain my sanity and stay out of prison or the psych ward. You can find those blogs here: So I Have Diabetes , Being a Skinny, Black Girl in America , and What Joy Do You Get From Making Fun of Overweight People?

I won’t even post a pic of this dude because my dog is more relevant than him at this point in time.

Why Does This Irk Me So Much?

Besides what I said above, I feel that many men (I’m trying not to generalize), always have something to say about size when they’re in the same category and have a higher mortality rate due to the fact that most of them don’t even want to go to the doctor. There is a reason women live longer than men, because most of us aren’t stubborn. It is also interesting that many men feel that they can look like trash and still pull beautiful women, so they have the right to talk about us like dogs when it comes to looks. I also find it interesting that people that can be in the best shape have died from illnesses they didn’t even know they had. I know two VERY in shape men that died of heart attacks.

I will give the gist of what ole boy said. I will not post his picture; he doesn’t deserve that much either. Basically, this man was asked how he felt about Lizzo’s singing and he immediately went on her looks. Are our looks a part of our talent now? I have recently noticed from TikTok that people actually think like this. Your gender, sexuality, weight, height, color, seems to be more important than talent and I don’t like that.

He then went on to talk about her health and how she needed to cover up (I will talk about the irony of society and that comment later because… there are a lot of hypocrites in this world but I think it’s human nature). He tried to make it into a joke by bringing himself into it because he’s not in the best shape himself. I am not a fan of body shaming and I never have been one because I treat people with respect but, again, I have been there personally. It doesn’t feel good. But, the ire he received via social media was well deserved. You see, she is still young, we have seen her (if you follow her) eating well and working out. We also have seen her cry because she is human. Things get to you and sometimes we have to find a way to work through it and ignore it but, when that hate comes to you from all sides when all you’re doing is living your life, it can be draining.

I feel that she puts on a brave face as many women have done because she can’t let anyone know that they got to her. But it’s damaging. It’s not only damaging to her, a woman that does NOTHING but promote body positivity and inclusivity, but it’s also damaging to the children that we are raising in this world.

Source https://pagesix.com/2022/08/28/lizzo-defended-by-fans-after-attack-from-comic-aries-spears/
Eating Disorders and Unsafe Surgeries

So many people look at social media and see women that aren’t like them, and they want to be like them, NOT KNOWING that many of these women didn’t really work for the bodies they are showing. Surgery is a thing, and many celebrities use this to look better in addition to the photoshopping that we see on social media and in the magazines. This has been going on for a very long time.

I started to think of back in the day before social media and how artists that were at one time slim, gained weight, but were still respected for the talent they possessed. Chaka Khan and Aretha Franklin STILL were respected for their craft although they weren’t the size they were when they came out. The TALENT is what mattered then. Now everyone is just trying to look better than the next woman while claiming it’s all natural when it’s not. And there is NOTHING wrong with getting surgery, it’s your money and you do what you want with it. However, I feel that someone like Lizzo is in the process of working on herself BUT while she is doing it, she is saying that it’s okay to be you.

We have to work to get where we want to be although there are some people that just have those genes (I was one of them so I know). When I hit 248 lbs after being put on another antipsychotic medication, I felt bad. Feeling bad about how you look, having to buy clothes that fit, or just staying in the house to save money because you have no clothes that fit you is a thing. Staying inside so as not to hear comments from rude people about your weight is also something that overweight and obese people deal with. With that sometimes comes depression which decreases your motivation to even do anything.

Some people have problems with their limbs and the like and can’t be mobile enough to do things. Some people have respiratory problems or endocrine issues that can cause weight gain.

Assumptions

Why do people always assume that a person that is overweight somehow did it to themselves or are in horrible health? That’s not always the case. Again, my weight gain came from medication which caused me to have diabetes. I had to be taken off the antipsychotic and given diabetes medication to lose the weight. The second time I went to the psych ward, they put me on another antipsychotic that made me gain weight and really didn’t help me in any other way. I’m off it now and have to take Ozempic for the medication induced diabetes. Funny thing is: Even after being taken off that medication (and before they finally allowed me to get on Ozempic which is also used to help with weight loss in addition to diabetes), I hit 248 lbs again (I am tall but still). I worked out, walked the dog, did everything and it still didn’t come off. Frustration comes with that to the point that you just want to stop trying. Another issue that I had that kept the weight on me was that I was working out but not eating enough.

Before I obtained my degree in Psychology, I wanted to be a nurse, so I took two semesters of Anatomy and Physiology. One of the many things that we learned was that you slow your metabolism down by not eating enough food so your body hangs onto what it gets because it doesn’t know when it’s going to be nourished again. When I was younger, I had a high metabolism because I ate all the time. In addition to that, my dad is tall and slim, so genes also had something to do with it. Even now, I still don’t eat as much as my body burns so I have to make myself eat more food to speed up my metabolism. That is a struggle for me. I am in a program at my job that helps promote good eating habits, talks about some setbacks we might have, and how to get past them.

What am I trying to say? Basically, we don’t know what Lizzo does on a daily basis but I am sure she has professionals that are working with her to achieve her desired goal. It is a process and definitely doesn’t happen overnight. This woman had a beautiful show on Amazon Prime that often made me cry where she was looking for thicker dancers to give them a shot in a field that is usually geared to “in shape” women. These women can outdance most of us and they were thick but they still killed it. They kill it on the stage with her to promote body positivity. Lizzo’s message is to show that we are all beautiful no matter what size we are and that’s what we need to remember.

Lizzo sings, dances, plays the flute, and tries to uplift others while people continue to try to bring her down. I don’t look at her medical records to even know if she has any chronic illnesses because of her weight. I believe she has stamina though because I can’t do all three of those things at the same time and MOST people can’t. So who am I to even speak on her weight? Because I am not privy to that information, I can’t say “Stop eating this or that” but he took it a step further and said that she looked like the shit emoji. Really sir?

Lizzo’s Choice of Fashion

I will admit that I didn’t like those assless pants she wore to a game. I just don’t like to put skin on public things. I hate public bathrooms and all that but that is a PERSONAL problem. Has nothing to do with Lizzo.

People complain about her campaign for her brand, Yitty. She was literally on a bike exercising and wearing her active and shapewear and people complained about that. She was promoting her brand which is what most people do. Where was the outrage when Kim Kardashian was promoting her shapewear? I’ll wait.

Source: https://www.etonline.com/kim-kardashians-skims-is-on-sale-right-now-save-up-to-60-on-bodysuits-bras-underwear-and-more
Hypocrisy

People want Lizzo to cover up. Did you see the VMA looks (I’m too old to watch the VMA’s)? People made fun of her red-carpet dress and called it call kinds of bed sheets and trash bags. But she was covered. Pick a struggle. That’s the issue, people will ALWAYS find something negative to say about you. You can either let it fuel you to do more or hurt you. It’s a process. No one just wakes up and says, “Nothing anyone says about me will ever get to me.” If that were the case, many celebrities wouldn’t quit social media or engage at all. Everyone is human and they have feelings. I just wonder if the people that were backing Lizzo and getting in Aries’ butt were some of the same people making fun of her clothing for the VMAs.

Source: https://www.vulture.com/2022/08/mtv-vmas-2022-red-carpet-photos.html

I know you’re not supposed to like EVERYTHING someone does but, on the heels of the mess that Aries said, I would think people might just give her a big more grace but that’s what I get for expecting people to do so.

In the End

I think that people need to realize that promoting body positivity is very important. We can all not like what we see in the mirror and do things to fix it because WE want to, not because the world body shames us into doing so. I want to lose weight because I know what I am capable of and where I was before I let depression take my joy (and COVID closed my little gym down), not because people call me fat. My health is actually fine except for the medication induced diabetes (I have since been taken off the second med that made me gain weight). Do I call myself “fat”? Yes, I do because I look in the mirror every day and remember what I WAS. Lizzo calls herself “fat” or “big” because she is talking about herself and does the same thing the rest of us do. She already knows that she is big, no one needs to remind her when she sees herself daily. I’m also concerned about her mental health. We can put on a brave face and have people that love us but things will still get to us. Why? Because we’re HUMAN.

So, while we’re sitting here trying to pick her apart, remember, she’s human. Also, remember that she is still winning and has more talent than a good percentage of the world. Again, can you dance, sing, and play the flute? I can’t. We need to live and let live. I’m just trying to figure out how to pay my rent and raise my child. Yes, I can focus on many things at a time BUT my priority is keeping a roof over my head and not shaming a woman that is really doing her best to bring some positivity to the world.

We need to do better and, again, think about our children, ESPECIALLY the young girls out there. Eating disorders and surgeries don’t have to be the go-to. It can always be an option but don’t let society bully you into doing something you don’t even really need.

Thank you for reading and please read some of my other posts about navigating life with bipolar disorder while raising a teen with special needs as well as other societal things that come to mind. I can be all over the place but sometimes things come together.

What Joy Do You Get From Making Fun of Overweight People?

In my previous blogs, I have talked a lot about being the skinny black girl that people constantly reminded that men didn’t want. I was often made fun of for being slim and I actually ate a lot. People felt that I didn’t have the right to exercise at the gym because I was slim. But you can go check that blog out (go ahead and do it).

Today, I’m going to talk about being overweight or “fat” as society likes to refer to it. Why is it the thing to make fun of people for their weight? What exactly do we get out of making fun of people for their weight? Do we know their stories? Do we see how it impacts their mental health? Do we even know how they got to be that size? Do we know if they have tried to get help but got frustrated? Have you ever been frustrated? It takes the fight out of you sometimes, doesn’t it?

Well, I’m writing this blog because I am constantly being called fat (by family, of course) but why does this have to even be said? I have a scale and I have a mirror. What makes it worse is that your family knows a little more than strangers do so they should have a little bit more sensitivity about what you’re going through. But they don’t.

My Story

In summary, I used to be skinny. At 5’11, I was 152 lbs before I got pregnant, 172 while pregnant, and 148 lbs after pregnancy. After a stent in the psych ward, they put me on Seroquel to help me sleep. One of the main side effects of that medication is weight gain. I gained a bunch of weight (and boobs). But you can see all that in the other blog I told you guys about here.

On 4/13/2018, I was diagnosed with diabetes (DM) and you can find that blog here. Seroquel caused it but only after me being on it for about 8 years. I worked out and ate right (got to 180 lbs) but this past year the Seroquel was done with me (I hit 237 lbs). So, I had to get off the Seroquel and get on Klonopin. As soon as I did that, the weight started coming off. I am down 26 lbs (I am 211 lbs) as I type this.

Anyhow, I have been to three funerals in the past 2 or three months. I have an aunt that feels that her greetings to me should always be about my weight. Some years ago, I wrote a blog about coming home from a 6 mile run and being called fat when I came in the house by my father and then again by my cousin, mom, and aunt.

Anyhow, back to the funerals. At two of the three funerals, my aunt said things about my weight. The first time she greeted me with “Oh, so you’re not model thin anymore.” No “Hello, isn’t this a sad occasion” or anything? She just let me know that I was fat. Thanks. Today, we were at another funeral and her greeting to me was “Hi Fatty.” Now, when I had found out that she was in town and going with my mom to the funeral, I kind of had it in the back of my mind that she was going to say something EVEN THOUGH I literally dropped 26 lbs. I just shrugged it off and went and sat down. I told my oldest sister and she was infuriated. Not because she said it but she knew that this wasn’t the first time she had said it. Changing medications is hard. Changing medications had me crying for no reason and all kinds of stuff. I was in a bad place so to add that onto some of the other things I was facing just wasn’t a good thing.

My sister told my mom “You need to check your sister.” My oldest sister is one of the most soft spoken people until you piss her off. And, clearly, my new meds were working or I just refused to deal with it. We were at a funeral for goodness sake! Two funerals, you had to tell me I was fat at. So my mother must have said something to my aunt and my aunt called me over. For some reason, she didn’t know that calling me fat offended me. Had no clue at all.

Do you know of anyone that likes to be called fat or told that they aren’t what they used to be? Do you? I don’t. But that’s just me. And I can be a very hateful person when pushed but it wasn’t worth it. It just wasn’t. But it really made me think about a lot of things.

Being Rude for What?

What do you get out of telling someone something that they already know or see on a daily basis? Everyone has a struggle. Yes, my struggle was being made fun of for being “too” skinny for a while. But it was a struggle and it was a personal struggle that made me feel a bit bad about myself. Do people care about this?

I have a cousin that had sarcoidosis of the brain and had to take Prednisone. She gained weight. Then she had knee problems and now hip problems because she puts her weight on one knee to compensate for the injured other knee. It’s not easy moving around in that state. So when a person that is overweight goes out (usually because they HAVE to), they don’t need comments from people about their weight. You don’t know their story. You don’t have to be a jerk to them.

I’m an introvert for one VERY important reason. I have a temper from hell. I stay away from people so as not to be tempted to kill them or strangle them for saying or doing something stupid to make me go off. I don’t place myself in positions to be ridiculed or harassed. So, you will catch me at a funeral or a grocery store as soon as it opens because I don’t want to interact with people that might put me in a place I don’t want to go back to.

Basically, what I’m saying is “Mind your own business.” This world is hard enough. We have racists out here calling the cops on kids for mowing lawns and selling water. We have Trump as President. We might be going to war with North Korea at any moment even though we act like we’re cool, etc. Is any of this petty mess going to matter when the world goes to hell? No. So leave people alone for their weight. Everyone has a story and you don’t know it. How about trying to talk to them like a person?

Unless you are a doctor or a personal trainer that knows how to help them and can help them with their mental health to get them to a place of confidence, don’t bother them. Don’t tear them down. That mess isn’t cute and God has a way of humbling you. So watch out.

This blog was all over the place but this just happened today and I just think that some people need to have a heart. I don’t say or do anything with malice unless I am pushed. I also have to say that I haven’t had anyone stand up for me in a very long time so it was nice to have someone actually do that. Thanks to my sister for that. At least I got an apology but I really hope that my aunt thinks about her words in the future.

Thanks for reading. 🙂

Today Was Supposed to be My Last Day (Part 2)

But it Wasn’t

In my previous post I made regarding suicidal ideation when it happens, I wanted people to know how we sometimes feel. In Today Was Going to be My Last Day, I recounted how I felt at the moment so that I could remember and find a way to get over it. I also wanted to share that sometimes we can talk ourselves out of things. I have suicidal ideations often but just shut up about it because what can I do? Bipolar disorder is a curse that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. It might not be the worst mental illness to have but it sure does suck balls. Being Bipolar and Black is hard because we try to handle things on our own even when we’re drowning because that’s how we were raised.

Because I don’t get manic as a result of taking my meds faithfully, I’m generally depressed or just trying to fake loving life until someone or something kills me. I made a post saying that I was “teetering” on the edge on Facebook. I was really ready to go. People came on the post and checked on me. My sister, however (who will be known as the 3rd snitch) called me and asked me what my post meant. I told her how I had felt earlier that day and how I was ready to take every pill in my home because I didn’t know what I was going to do with my daughter for the summer and everything was just costing so much. That and my job truly not caring about its employees. And don’t get me started on not getting part time remote jobs that I have applied for. No one wants to pay for my writing which causes me to doubt myself as well.

My sister and I talked, and I told her I felt better after taking my dog for a walk, listening to Kpop, and just being in the sun. Being in the sun is really important to me and I sometimes just sit in the heat on the balcony with my dog. He loves to lay there with me and put his nose through the rail. He doesn’t like it when I go out there by myself.

Accepting Help

I was already feeling better but was writing the previous post to help people understand how it feels to be just totally down on yourself even though you know how much people care about you. I talked to my therapist the other day and she was saying that I needed to learn to accept help from people.

I understand accepting help from people, but it just doesn’t make me feel good. Why do I always need help? I’m literally working my butt off, feeding this greedy child, trying not to let this apartment turn into a hoarder’s home, and just make it through the day with all the changes that keep getting thrown at me, especially through my job. My job doesn’t care and that bothers me but helping other people while they are frustrated gives me purpose. So, I take solace in that. Helping people is my purpose. Maybe it’s why I’m still here even though I TRULY don’t want to be here.

The way this world is moving, I hope things end soon. Roe v Wade has me worried about my daughter, people continue to shoot innocent people up, and everyone is just hanging on by a literal thread. I mean, the rich people are probably good but the rest of us aren’t right now. Friends are getting put out by greedy landlords and having to get second jobs just to be able to pay to survive.

I Was Just Tired

And being tired and being a mother isn’t acceptable sometimes. Being a single mother is hard and I know people that are fighting more than I am. And, with the overturning of Roe v Wade, I saw how much many Black men didn’t care and actually laughed. Told us to keep our legs closed. Funny, people learn from their mistakes. Many lay in the beds we made. But yeah, that was pretty sad to see as well. As I said in my Roe vs Wade post about it, two people make a child, not one. A man can walk away. The woman can’t. However, I need to remember to be thankful for what I have and I am. When I am at my lowest, this is when I try to think of other things and what I DO have and my responsibility to protect my daughter from some heartless people.

I had made a Twitter post saying that I wish I could just go on disability but, if I think I’m broke now … yeah, that would be even worse. I make decent money and a lot of people did but inflation is trash and we’re dealing with a lot of other things right now.

Photo by Marta Branco on Pexels.com

Reading medical charts helps as well as most of the stories are sad and some people are just real fighters and won’t let anything take them down. In their own way, they inspire me. I will also say that the LGBTQIA community on TikTok has been EXTREMELY helpful to me. You want to hear about perseverance? Just listen to their stories. And so many of them are just beautiful souls that want to be free. Just like I want to be free of this world, they want to be free to be them and they can’t. They bring so much love, color, creativity, culture, etc. to this world and we don’t treat them right. And for what? They’re different. Just like what people do with their uterus shouldn’t bother us, neither should what people do behind closed doors. I will likely write a blog about my faves and what they have taught me. But that’s a story for another.

In the End …

I didn’t take all my pills although I had wanted to. The next day I mysteriously get money from two of my siblings that I said NOTHING to. Why? Because of Snitch# 3. Now we already know about the first two snitches that got me put in the psych ward in July 2021 and now we have this one. I am not mad. People are letting me know that they love and value me and I need to accept that. It doesn’t stop me from having these thoughts that I have to stay in this world until it burns to the ground. I really wish I could be manic so I could get things done. I understand why I can’t, but it doesn’t stop me from wanting it.

My daughter is going to her summer camp, and I was able to pay my rent on time along with some other bills that were going to have my phone and internet cut off. I’m working this week and next week like a fiend to get the rest of the overtime before there is none again. I’m really tired most days, have to make dinner, and just want to get in the bed. I would like to get 7 hrs of sleep daily but the screen goes grayscale every night at 10 and I see it happen. I’m supposed to be asleep but there I am. So, I listen to my guys on Small Town Murder to go to sleep (yes, true crime and James’ voice puts me to sleep. I will tell you guys about them soon as well).

The Ramifications of Overturning Roe V Wade From a Mad Woman’s View

I Don’t Know Where to Start

I’ll figure it out as I go. You guys know how I write in my bipolar brain. This impacts me as a woman, a mother, an employee of a medical insurance, etc. Have you ever had to read medical charts? Well, I read one today where twins didn’t make it. Spontaneous abortion. So what are we going to do now? My job is preparing to figure out how they handle these things. That isn’t my job but, as a coder, I have to read charts and my heart will go out to people that no longer have a choice over their bodies.

Roe v Wade being overturned has surprised some people but this world is trash and nothing surprises me anymore. People wonder why I want to leave. Look at the world. Women’s rights are a thing of the past everywhere. We don’t have the freedom to make sure that we don’t get pregnant, we don’t have the freedom to mind our own uterus. We won’t have the freedom to choose our method of contraception to AVOID getting pregnant.

While I haven’t been sexually active in seven years, I use contraception because I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). I use it for the hormones. Many teens have to use contraception to regulate their periods (I worked in GYN and infertility for about nine years combined). I know the stories. I know about the different types of contraception. I know I personally don’t want an IUD because of what I have seen in the notes as far as side effects and removal. And what of my child? These are the things I have to contend with. It’s not just my uterus I have to worry about; I have a whole teenager that I have to advocate for whose periods are extremely irregular as well. I haven’t put her on anything because she is not sexually active, and I don’t really want to put her on any of the options out there in all honesty.

Many People Don’t Know This …

Around the age of 21, I had an abortion. I will tell you that, because I was sheltered before, I got out in this world, saw that men wanted me, and had a man for every single day of the week. With that, I couldn’t tell you who the father was although we mostly used condoms. I never even told my mother. But my sisters know and my boss at the time knew. In my case, I had to do it because I didn’t know who the father was and I couldn’t tell my mother especially that I had done something so stupid and gotten pregnant. One of the guys that could have been the father found a doctor (a real one), and I went to the office and had the procedure done.

Every day, I live with that decision. I do. When I got it done, I felt so guilty because I was SO sick while I was pregnant. I couldn’t hold anything down but, once I got the abortion, I ate a whole Subway Cold Cut Combo. That meal made my heart sick. I felt that I was selfish. I live with that. I knew I wasn’t going to do it again. The process wasn’t painful, there were no picketers outside of the office or anything. It was a doctor’s office.

(Skip the next five paragraphs if you don’t want to hear about my daughter’s deadbeat father)

Once I got pregnant a second time by a deadbeat that looked great on paper but totally turned out to be the worst person in the world to have a child with (unless you count someone like Hitler), I began to pay more attention to my ovulation and all that. It wasn’t going to happen again and it didn’t. But, because I had that abortion once, I wasn’t going to do it again. I was going to sleep in the bed I made. Although I did what I was supposed to do as a responsible adult (in my eyes), the deadbeat chose to skip town. Now, this isn’t some guy I just met or anything like that. I had known him for years before I even met him in person. I met him when I was dating a Nigerian guy and wanted to know more about his culture, so I went in a Nigerian chat room and that’s where I met the deadbeat. On paper, he was a good dude. From a two parent family, went to DeMatha and Howard, had god kids that he loved. I met his best friend (he has since passed), had been a teacher, and was a good uncle to his brother’s kids. Loved kids. Didn’t love the one he made though. She was the first one. Instead, he decided to hit CA, FL, and finally came back to DC where he was served when my daughter was about 6.

The sad part is that his mother became the best grandmother when she had proof that my daughter was his. She had come to see my daughter when she was little because I found her to find him. I had called him the day I went into labor, and he later told me that he knew what he was doing when I had called. He had even made a blog when the paternity test came back (his friends had all become geneticists because she was born at 37 weeks). He just KNEW she wasn’t his but, I’m no dummy. He started to put me down and tell me that I was dumb. Those were fun times.

Once paternity was proven, he decided that it wasn’t fair. So he “lost” his job and moved to Spain with the woman he later married (please believe I am not jealous, I don’t want him and I hope he has the life he deserves). My daughter has a brother that she will likely NEVER meet. So, he was making six figures (I didn’t know as he had bounced his way all around the country to let me take care of my child because I made her myself, you see) and child support was going to be higher than he wanted it to be so he “lost” his job. He claims that he “lost” it because he was served at his job and the owner of the entity (I won’t say the name of his job but it is a big architectural firm in DC) is a single mother. They wouldn’t have had to serve him at work had he not bounced around the country to get away from his responsibility.

His mother then took the reins and would keep my daughter overnight, take her to the pool, and even had her deadbeat son hang out with them (when she originally found out that she had her first biological grandchild, she wanted to come lay eyes on her and I allowed her to. She was SO happy, but she chose to step back until paternity was proven which it was). But I started to sense something was wrong. She began to show signs of dementia and I knew those signs. Well, when the deadbeat got “fired”, he got married, and started traveling the world…. on his mother’s dime. She had dementia and he wanted to keep her with him (I saw it on his blogs). His brother had to fight him to keep him away from taking some good property in DC (she had a nice condo in a NICE part of DC). Anyhow, he “was homeless” and got his child support lowered from about $1,200 (he never paid it) to $50.00/mo for a “retarded ass kid”, yes, he said that to me. I can tell you the date he said it: 9/5/2013, three days before my birthday). My daughter had not been diagnosed yet but those were his words (see My Child is Far From Retarded).

Anyhow, the payments didn’t come, and I struggled. My daughter is 16 going on 17 now and you guys have seen our stories and struggles. But I do it because I am all she has. And I have a village. My village is big and beautiful. It is made up of single mothers, single fathers, family, and friends. That village is why I am still here. I now get payments of $51.46 because the deadbeat wants to travel again. I mean, why not just stay in Spain? Yes, they took his passport. I can’t say I care and I would hate to see him on the street. The one person in the world that I hate is him. Just him. Don’t call my child names and don’t treat her like trash. Do what you want to me, but don’t mess with my child. And, yes, she is my child now. I have done all the work with my village. She is their child as well.

The Impact on Women PERIOD

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that this is taking so much more than abortion off the table. And this overturning pretty much generalizes that everyone that gets pregnant chose to be that way. Everyone uses the examples of rape and incest, but I always go a step further because I work in the medical field.

There are babies with genetic conditions that make it so that the child might not live but a few minutes once delivered. There are mothers out there that don’t get adequate care and the babies aren’t healthy or the mother might lose her life having the child. There are babies that are born with grave conditions that don’t make it after being in the NICU for weeks or months. Yes, there are some that make it and are fighters but then who pays for the medical bills? What about those mothers that are addicted to drugs and pregnant?

It’s easy to say “Well, they shouldn’t have gotten pregnant!” but there is no way that we can know the circumstances that people go through when they get pregnant. When I worked in infertility, we had to do a LOT of D&Cs. Were we going to make the mother, who was already going through emotional turmoil, carry a fetus that no longer had a heartbeat? Some babies die in the womb. Do we make the mother carry the baby until the due date? Where is the humanity?

Being pregnant is hard. Being pregnant and not having a choice in the matter is harder. Being pregnant and being judged for not foretelling the future is harder. Being pregnant and alone is hard. I really think that the world thinks that everything is a woman’s fault. If we have the child, and need assistance, we’re moochers. If we don’t have the child, we’re selfish. If we have the child and don’t need assistance but have no husband, we lose value, and no one wants us (society has told us this). What is our purpose in the world? To raise kids alone? Even married mothers are single mothers sometimes. They don’t get the support that they need from their own husbands. When I say that people change, I mean they can change for the better or for the worse.

I always use me as an example. I was a totally different person before I had my daughter. She made me a better person in many ways. She has taught me a lot as a person. She makes me see the world differently. Thankfully, we were afforded the chance for a do over in some cases but what about our children?

The Impact on TEENS

None of us were born perfect. We all made mistakes as children/teens. Some of us thought we were in love and had unprotected sex with someone we thought we loved. Some of us didn’t get attention and gave ourselves to anyone that would show it to us. Some of us were sheltered or not even really taught about sex as if it was something dirty. Some of us didn’t even know what ovulation was or how to monitor it so as to know when NOT to have sex or to use contraception (I literally learned and stuck to it after I had my daughter, I was 26). And then we have those that were raped or assaulted by their own family.

According to RAINN:

  • One in 9 girls and 1 in 53 boys under the age of 18 experience sexual abuse or assault at the hands of an adult.
  • 82% of all victims under 18 are female.
  • Females ages 16-19 are 4 times more likely than the general population to be victims of rape, attempted rape, or sexual assault.

With the overturning of Roe v Wade, our teens won’t have the chance to make those mistakes and come out unscathed (physically at least, we won’t even get into mentally right now). They won’t have a choice in their contraception, they won’t have a choice in whether they keep the baby or not. They might feel as though they can’t tell anyone and hide the pregnancy (some were already doing that). This is not going to have a good outcome. Yes, on a state level, there are alternatives but that doesn’t mean that they will tell someone before it is too late. Everyone talks about adoption but let’s ask the kids in the foster system how that worked out for them. There are some good outcomes but not always although I do know some great foster parents that don’t use children for a check. There just aren’t enough of them for the 407,493 kids that are in foster care as of Feb of this year according to Statistica.

And then we have to look at the reasons why many, if not the majority, of the kids are in foster care in the first place. If their parents can’t afford them or don’t want them, what kind of mental anguish do you think those children have to endure? I’m into true crime. Do you know how many killers come from households or environments where they were abused and continued the cycle of abuse? One of my favorite true crime and makeup YouTubers just did a HORRIBLE story where this was the case. Watch it if you choose but it WILL break your heart. Sadly, this is just ONE of many stories where people are the product of their environment.

The Impact on Parents of Teens

I’m a mother. I speak of my daughter all the time. Anyone that reads my blogs knows this. She is my world. She also has a moderate intellectual disability and autism. With that said, would you like to know the stats of sexual assault for people like her?

Because many of these instances go unreported, there can only be an estimate BUT it is said that people with disabilities have increased chances of being sexually assaulted (up to 3x the rate of people in other demographics). In my child’s case, because she has the cognitive age of an eight-year-old, she might not know what’s going on. Believe me, we have been teaching her about good touch and bad touch for many years. I have also been working with her on being so nice to people. Everyone isn’t good in this world and looking out for your well-being. It was one of the main reasons I put her in Taekwondo. I know she can fight as I have had to fight her. I know she knows what to do but sometimes we’re outnumbered, some people are drugged, some people are just brutal. Sometimes people don’t care and will take what they want. What are we supposed to do in that case? Do I raise that child? I would ultimately be the one responsible for that child.

From an Insurance Standpoint

Many women have been talking about how their doctors won’t do a tubal ligation on them if they haven’t had children or without the husband’s consent. There are reasons for this. I am not a doctor but, again, I know insurance, work with doctors, and try to look at things objectively.

Someone accused me today of saying that it’s right that doctors don’t do this when I was merely stating a fact. The fact is that many doctors DON’T want to do tubals on women because 1) Insurance usually will not cover it if it is being done electively (meaning you have no problems, you just want to be sterilized) OR 2) because people have changed their minds and, because the procedure is invasive for women, they would like you to at least have 2 kids before they do it. Getting it reversed, as of now, isn’t usually covered by insurance.

Insurance has the say in what doctors really can and cannot do unless you want to pay out of pocket. These are the rules. People think that doctors have power and make all this money. No, they don’t. The only fields that really make the money are infertility and plastic surgery because their patients pay out of pocket. So, there are rules that have to be adhered to when you are a doctor and don’t get me started on malpractice insurance. Do you know that many doctors no longer “catch babies” because of the high cost of malpractice insurance? People like to sue.

This blog is too long, and I have a lot more to say but this is where I will stop. Just know that ALL the states are not being impacted by this overturning of Roe vs Wade. Know that the majority don’t agree with this decision. Know that there are entities that will help people get the care they need for their situation. We are all in this together. Ohhh, I really wanted to talk about the insensitive comments that men have been making on this subject, but I will definitely have to put that in my next blog because it’s just … disappointing. SO disappointing. I mean, they’re literally laughing and telling us we need to keep our legs closed. But I thought it took two people to make a baby. They can just skip away while the woman has to take the brunt of the punishment by society and now by the judicial system.

Also, if you want to see what the world is going to be like in some states because of the overturning of Roe v Wade, I suggest you go on Netflix and watch a BBC Original called Call the Midwife. The show is set in times before women had autonomy of their own bodies. There are stories where women almost died because they tried to get an abortion done. There are stories where women were arrested or had to flee because they got pregnant without a mate. There are stories where teachers lost jobs because they got pregnant without being married (that actually happened here up until a few decades ago) but it is a very enlightening series and, sadly, that’s where many states will be. It has made me cry a number of times as well.

I might have to do a part two of this. But understand, we will get through this even if we have to do an Underground Railroad for pregnant women in red states. I was raised pro-life, but I will NEVER dictate what another woman does with her body. I’m even hesitant to do so with my own daughter. I will be calling my GYN to find out some suggestions regarding my daughter and what is best for her (as all birth control, like most meds, don’t work for everyone). There have been suggestions from GYNs on TikTok. They are saying to buy a couple of Plan B’s (save some for other people as they have an expiration date of about 2 years. Please don’t be greedy).

Yes, I have more to say but I will have to continue this in another blog because there is so much to unpack and I’m still really trying to wrap my brain around all the ways this is going to impact us as a society, as women, as mothers, as humans. I’m truly just really disappointed in the responses or lack of responses from men. The laughing is really hard. It makes me question our real purpose in this world to them. But, like I said, I haven’t had sex in seven years. Most aren’t even worth it and that’s also sad.

The Ramifications of Overturning Roe V Wade From a Mad Woman’s View

I Don’t Know Where to Start

I’ll figure it out as I go. You guys know how I write in my bipolar brain. This impacts me as a woman, a mother, an employee of a medical insurance, etc. Have you ever had to read medical charts? Well, I read one today where twins didn’t make it. Spontaneous abortion. So what are we going to do now? My job is preparing to figure out how they handle these things. That isn’t my job but, as a coder, I have to read charts and my heart will go out to people that no longer have a choice over their bodies.

Roe v Wade being overturned has surprised some people but this world is trash and nothing surprises me anymore. People wonder why I want to leave. Look at the world. Women’s rights are a thing of the past everywhere. We don’t have the freedom to make sure that we don’t get pregnant, we don’t have the freedom to mind our own uterus. We won’t have the freedom to choose our method of contraception to AVOID getting pregnant.

While I haven’t been sexually active in seven years, I use contraception because I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). I use it for the hormones. Many teens have to use contraception to regulate their periods (I worked in GYN and infertility for about nine years combined). I know the stories. I know about the different types of contraception. I know I personally don’t want an IUD because of what I have seen in the notes as far as side effects and removal. And what of my child? These are the things I have to contend with. It’s not just my uterus I have to worry about; I have a whole teenager that I have to advocate for whose periods are extremely irregular as well. I haven’t put her on anything because she is not sexually active, and I don’t really want to put her on any of the options out there in all honesty.

Many People Don’t Know This …

Around the age of 21, I had an abortion. I will tell you that, because I was sheltered before, I got out in this world, saw that men wanted me, and had a man for every single day of the week. With that, I couldn’t tell you who the father was although we mostly used condoms. I never even told my mother. But my sisters know and my boss at the time knew. In my case, I had to do it because I didn’t know who the father was and I couldn’t tell my mother especially that I had done something so stupid and gotten pregnant. One of the guys that could have been the father found a doctor (a real one), and I went to the office and had the procedure done.

Every day, I live with that decision. I do. When I got it done, I felt so guilty because I was SO sick while I was pregnant. I couldn’t hold anything down but, once I got the abortion, I ate a whole Subway Cold Cut Combo. That meal made my heart sick. I felt that I was selfish. I live with that. I knew I wasn’t going to do it again. The process wasn’t painful, there were no picketers outside of the office or anything. It was a doctor’s office.

(Skip the next five paragraphs if you don’t want to hear about my daughter’s deadbeat father)

Once I got pregnant a second time by a deadbeat that looked great on paper but totally turned out to be the worst person in the world to have a child with (unless you count someone like Hitler), I began to pay more attention to my ovulation and all that. It wasn’t going to happen again and it didn’t. But, because I had that abortion once, I wasn’t going to do it again. I was going to sleep in the bed I made. Although I did what I was supposed to do as a responsible adult (in my eyes), the deadbeat chose to skip town. Now, this isn’t some guy I just met or anything like that. I had known him for years before I even met him in person. I met him when I was dating a Nigerian guy and wanted to know more about his culture, so I went in a Nigerian chat room and that’s where I met the deadbeat. On paper, he was a good dude. From a two parent family, went to DeMatha and Howard, had god kids that he loved. I met his best friend (he has since passed), had been a teacher, and was a good uncle to his brother’s kids. Loved kids. Didn’t love the one he made though. She was the first one. Instead, he decided to hit CA, FL, and finally came back to DC where he was served when my daughter was about 6.

The sad part is that his mother became the best grandmother when she had proof that my daughter was his. She had come to see my daughter when she was little because I found her to find him. I had called him the day I went into labor, and he later told me that he knew what he was doing when I had called. He had even made a blog when the paternity test came back (his friends had all become geneticists because she was born at 37 weeks). He just KNEW she wasn’t his but, I’m no dummy. He started to put me down and tell me that I was dumb. Those were fun times.

Once paternity was proven, he decided that it wasn’t fair. So he “lost” his job and moved to Spain with the woman he later married (please believe I am not jealous, I don’t want him and I hope he has the life he deserves). My daughter has a brother that she will likely NEVER meet. So, he was making six figures (I didn’t know as he had bounced his way all around the country to let me take care of my child because I made her myself, you see) and child support was going to be higher than he wanted it to be so he “lost” his job. He claims that he “lost” it because he was served at his job and the owner of the entity (I won’t say the name of his job but it is a big architectural firm in DC) is a single mother. They wouldn’t have had to serve him at work had he not bounced around the country to get away from his responsibility.

His mother then took the reins and would keep my daughter overnight, take her to the pool, and even had her deadbeat son hang out with them (when she originally found out that she had her first biological grandchild, she wanted to come lay eyes on her and I allowed her to. She was SO happy, but she chose to step back until paternity was proven which it was). But I started to sense something was wrong. She began to show signs of dementia and I knew those signs. Well, when the deadbeat got “fired”, he got married, and started traveling the world…. on his mother’s dime. She had dementia and he wanted to keep her with him (I saw it on his blogs). His brother had to fight him to keep him away from taking some good property in DC (she had a nice condo in a NICE part of DC). Anyhow, he “was homeless” and got his child support lowered from about $1,200 (he never paid it) to $50.00/mo for a “retarded ass kid”, yes, he said that to me. I can tell you the date he said it: 9/5/2013, three days before my birthday). My daughter had not been diagnosed yet but those were his words (see My Child is Far From Retarded).

Anyhow, the payments didn’t come, and I struggled. My daughter is 16 going on 17 now and you guys have seen our stories and struggles. But I do it because I am all she has. And I have a village. My village is big and beautiful. It is made up of single mothers, single fathers, family, and friends. That village is why I am still here. I now get payments of $51.46 because the deadbeat wants to travel again. I mean, why not just stay in Spain? Yes, they took his passport. I can’t say I care and I would hate to see him on the street. The one person in the world that I hate is him. Just him. Don’t call my child names and don’t treat her like trash. Do what you want to me, but don’t mess with my child. And, yes, she is my child now. I have done all the work with my village. She is their child as well.

The Impact on Women PERIOD

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that this is taking so much more than abortion off the table. And this overturning pretty much generalizes that everyone that gets pregnant chose to be that way. Everyone uses the examples of rape and incest, but I always go a step further because I work in the medical field.

There are babies with genetic conditions that make it so that the child might not live but a few minutes once delivered. There are mothers out there that don’t get adequate care and the babies aren’t healthy or the mother might lose her life having the child. There are babies that are born with grave conditions that don’t make it after being in the NICU for weeks or months. Yes, there are some that make it and are fighters but then who pays for the medical bills? What about those mothers that are addicted to drugs and pregnant?

It’s easy to say “Well, they shouldn’t have gotten pregnant!” but there is no way that we can know the circumstances that people go through when they get pregnant. When I worked in infertility, we had to do a LOT of D&Cs. Were we going to make the mother, who was already going through emotional turmoil, carry a fetus that no longer had a heartbeat? Some babies die in the womb. Do we make the mother carry the baby until the due date? Where is the humanity?

Being pregnant is hard. Being pregnant and not having a choice in the matter is harder. Being pregnant and being judged for not foretelling the future is harder. Being pregnant and alone is hard. I really think that the world thinks that everything is a woman’s fault. If we have the child, and need assistance, we’re moochers. If we don’t have the child, we’re selfish. If we have the child and don’t need assistance but have no husband, we lose value, and no one wants us (society has told us this). What is our purpose in the world? To raise kids alone? Even married mothers are single mothers sometimes. They don’t get the support that they need from their own husbands. When I say that people change, I mean they can change for the better or for the worse.

I always use me as an example. I was a totally different person before I had my daughter. She made me a better person in many ways. She has taught me a lot as a person. She makes me see the world differently. Thankfully, we were afforded the chance for a do over in some cases but what about our children?

The Impact on TEENS

None of us were born perfect. We all made mistakes as children/teens. Some of us thought we were in love and had unprotected sex with someone we thought we loved. Some of us didn’t get attention and gave ourselves to anyone that would show it to us. Some of us were sheltered or not even really taught about sex as if it was something dirty. Some of us didn’t even know what ovulation was or how to monitor it so as to know when NOT to have sex or to use contraception (I literally learned and stuck to it after I had my daughter, I was 26). And then we have those that were raped or assaulted by their own family.

According to RAINN:

  • One in 9 girls and 1 in 53 boys under the age of 18 experience sexual abuse or assault at the hands of an adult.
  • 82% of all victims under 18 are female.
  • Females ages 16-19 are 4 times more likely than the general population to be victims of rape, attempted rape, or sexual assault.

With the overturning of Roe v Wade, our teens won’t have the chance to make those mistakes and come out unscathed (physically at least, we won’t even get into mentally right now). They won’t have a choice in their contraception, they won’t have a choice in whether they keep the baby or not. They might feel as though they can’t tell anyone and hide the pregnancy (some were already doing that). This is not going to have a good outcome. Yes, on a state level, there are alternatives but that doesn’t mean that they will tell someone before it is too late. Everyone talks about adoption but let’s ask the kids in the foster system how that worked out for them. There are some good outcomes but not always although I do know some great foster parents that don’t use children for a check. There just aren’t enough of them for the 407,493 kids that are in foster care as of Feb of this year according to Statistica.

And then we have to look at the reasons why many, if not the majority, of the kids are in foster care in the first place. If their parents can’t afford them or don’t want them, what kind of mental anguish do you think those children have to endure? I’m into true crime. Do you know how many killers come from households or environments where they were abused and continued the cycle of abuse? One of my favorite true crime and makeup YouTubers just did a HORRIBLE story where this was the case. Watch it if you choose but it WILL break your heart. Sadly, this is just ONE of many stories where people are the product of their environment.

The Impact on Parents of Teens

I’m a mother. I speak of my daughter all the time. Anyone that reads my blogs knows this. She is my world. She also has a moderate intellectual disability and autism. With that said, would you like to know the stats of sexual assault for people like her?

Because many of these instances go unreported, there can only be an estimate BUT it is said that people with disabilities have increased chances of being sexually assaulted (up to 3x the rate of people in other demographics). In my child’s case, because she has the cognitive age of an eight-year-old, she might not know what’s going on. Believe me, we have been teaching her about good touch and bad touch for many years. I have also been working with her on being so nice to people. Everyone isn’t good in this world and looking out for your well-being. It was one of the main reasons I put her in Taekwondo. I know she can fight as I have had to fight her. I know she knows what to do but sometimes we’re outnumbered, some people are drugged, some people are just brutal. Sometimes people don’t care and will take what they want. What are we supposed to do in that case? Do I raise that child? I would ultimately be the one responsible for that child.

From an Insurance Standpoint

Many women have been talking about how their doctors won’t do a tubal ligation on them if they haven’t had children or without the husband’s consent. There are reasons for this. I am not a doctor but, again, I know insurance, work with doctors, and try to look at things objectively.

Someone accused me today of saying that it’s right that doctors don’t do this when I was merely stating a fact. The fact is that many doctors DON’T want to do tubals on women because 1) Insurance usually will not cover it if it is being done electively (meaning you have no problems, you just want to be sterilized) OR 2) because people have changed their minds and, because the procedure is invasive for women, they would like you to at least have 2 kids before they do it. Getting it reversed, as of now, isn’t usually covered by insurance.

Insurance has the say in what doctors really can and cannot do unless you want to pay out of pocket. These are the rules. People think that doctors have power and make all this money. No, they don’t. The only fields that really make the money are infertility and plastic surgery because their patients pay out of pocket. So, there are rules that have to be adhered to when you are a doctor and don’t get me started on malpractice insurance. Do you know that many doctors no longer “catch babies” because of the high cost of malpractice insurance? People like to sue.

This blog is too long, and I have a lot more to say but this is where I will stop. Just know that ALL the states are not being impacted by this overturning of Roe vs Wade. Know that the majority don’t agree with this decision. Know that there are entities that will help people get the care they need for their situation. We are all in this together. Ohhh, I really wanted to talk about the insensitive comments that men have been making on this subject, but I will definitely have to put that in my next blog because it’s just … disappointing. SO disappointing. I mean, they’re literally laughing and telling us we need to keep our legs closed. But I thought it took two people to make a baby. They can just skip away while the woman has to take the brunt of the punishment by society and now by the judicial system.

Also, if you want to see what the world is going to be like in some states because of the overturning of Roe v Wade, I suggest you go on Netflix and watch a BBC Original called Call the Midwife. The show is set in times before women had autonomy of their own bodies. There are stories where women almost died because they tried to get an abortion done. There are stories where women were arrested or had to flee because they got pregnant without a mate. There are stories where teachers lost jobs because they got pregnant without being married (that actually happened here up until a few decades ago) but it is a very enlightening series and, sadly, that’s where many states will be. It has made me cry a number of times as well.

I might have to do a part two of this. But understand, we will get through this even if we have to do an Underground Railroad for pregnant women in red states. I was raised pro-life, but I will NEVER dictate what another woman does with her body. I’m even hesitant to do so with my own daughter. I will be calling my GYN to find out some suggestions regarding my daughter and what is best for her (as all birth control, like most meds, don’t work for everyone). There have been suggestions from GYNs on TikTok. They are saying to buy a couple of Plan B’s (save some for other people as they have an expiration date of about 2 years. Please don’t be greedy).

Yes, I have more to say but I will have to continue this in another blog because there is so much to unpack and I’m still really trying to wrap my brain around all the ways this is going to impact us as a society, as women, as mothers, as humans. I’m truly just really disappointed in the responses or lack of responses from men. The laughing is really hard. It makes me question our real purpose in this world to them. But, like I said, I haven’t had sex in seven years. Most aren’t even worth it and that’s also sad.

Today Was Going to be My Last Day

When I have really bad days, I’ll just journal and publish when I am past the down times. People like to know that they are not alone.

***** WARNING, SUICIDAL IDEATION****

I can tell you that I told my therapist the other day that I was not going back to the psych ward and I mean it. But I will be using other means to obtain the desired effect if needed. I take my meds everyday but they gave me some pain meds too and I have a refill. I was ready to take all the drugs I had in the house and wash it down with Tito’s, wine, and whatever else I had. I will say that TikTok has been helping me out more. I’m falling back from true crime for some reason. I’ve been trying to read and listen to books about people from other countries that have it worse that I do so that I can appreciate what I have.

What Freaked Me Out?

My job has really been doing a number on me lately to the point that I have to find a part time job. I always seem to have some allegiance to businesses that don’t treat me the way that I should be treated. I don’t have that problem in romantic relationships. I won’t accept that, but I accept mistreatment from my job because they pay me, I guess. I probably stay because there are people out here with no jobs and no insurance.

Last week, I was informed that I was being put on a new project. I was on the last project I was on for about 2 months. With this new project, I am getting a new supervisor once I finish training (which is also taking from the overtime that I could be getting). They claim this is a good thing and it means that we’re good workers, but the money doesn’t reflect it and I’m getting frustrated. With every new project, we have to literally reset our brains for how we code things for a new client.

This year alone (this is June now), I will have had 6 supervisors. It’s not because they’re leaving the organization in all cases, but their position isn’t the best and they’re not even treated that great. Some of them don’t feel they have a voice. They also don’t get paid enough for all the stuff they have to do. Because of this, they move to other departments, and some have left the company (or been asked to leave).

Somehow, it doesn’t seem as though upper management cares that they keep moving us around and I know it has to be hard for the supervisors as well but imagine the frustration when you have to get used to a new supervisor every month of the year. I have been with this organization for almost 7 years and have had 8 supervisors. When it comes time for my yearly review, they have to ask 6 people (for now) how I performed. Like, WTF for real?

I will say that I have been lucky with the ones I have had so far. I still communicate with them, and one is like a sister to me. She came back to the organization but is in another department because … I mean, it’s not cool where we are.

My frustration especially lies in the fact that I am flexible enough to work these different projects but don’t obtain the funds to prove that I’m worth anything. They got rid of a program where they say nice things to you for what you do but I still do it even though nothing monetary comes from it because I like to encourage my coworkers. Words of encouragement helps people. It doesn’t have to come with a monetary gift. Just tell people they are appreciated. Put a smile on their face.

Born Leader

I know that I am a leader. No matter where I go or what I’m doing in my field, people come to me. Even when I was in the psych ward the first time, the patients came to me instead of to the counselors. They are why I obtained my worthless BS in Psychology.

I went to get a root canal yesterday and, when I came back, so many of my coworkers and a supervisor I had for all of a month had questions for me or were just looking for encouragement in things. We’re STRUGGLING! People have to move because they can’t afford where they are anymore. It’s just really hard. People are very transparent with me, and I don’t judge because I know where they’re coming from.

The Main Trainer

She’s really nice and knew that I wasn’t confident in taking the assessment today, so she gave me another set. She thought that I was ready for it, but she wanted me to build my confidence. I was grateful for that. The people on this project are on it because we score well with accuracy, and they need all hands on deck. I understand that but I really just need money. I have to overwork myself and get a part time job because, after July, the overtime will be minimal or gone altogether.

The week before last, I claimed a job (people always tell you to claim things) so I claimed a job because I interviewed well, and I don’t usually NOT get jobs when I interview for them (unless it’s with my current company because I literally throw stuff at the wall to see what will stick). Last Monday, I found out I didn’t get the position. People told me to ask why they didn’t choose me but, to me, they’re dead. They said they had a candidate that better suited the position. It was probably salary. Although I make decent money (and GOOD money when I kill myself with overtime), it is too much for some people.

I have to refine my procedure coding skills. If I can do that, I can code outpatient charts like I used to do when I was in the actual office. There are plenty of remote positions out there, but I haven’t coded for procedures in 7 years but I’m going to do some self-teaching to see if I can get back out in the world. I discussed this with my social worker through my job. I discussed my blog with her about what 001 on Stranger Things and she agreed that people are literally just trying to survive. It’s just so stupid.

How I Got Over It

I took the dog for a walk (he got on my nerves), but we walked. Then I just listened to my Spotify because music just makes me happy. All genres of music make me happy, so I just put on my random list and listened to all my songs and got happy again; songs that I haven’t listened to in a while.

In Reality …

I have things to be thankful for. My therapists keep telling me to ask for help but I’m tired of asking for help. It makes me feel like a failure. In the questionnaire, one of the very questions is if you feel like a failure to your family and I do. I always have. I’m a single mother with a special needs child, no father to her, and I’m always struggling. They tell me there’s nothing wrong with asking for help but there is. I should be able to do this on my own.

I have insurance for that root canal I got. I have to get a crown put on it with a permanent filling. I have an HSA for that ($891.00). I am grateful. I still have a roof over my head. I am grateful. My daughter and the animals have food in their bellies, I am grateful. I feel bad that I am not going to be able to let her to go camp this year because it is literally one of the things that makes her the happiest every year, but the price is too high this year and I just don’t have it. I’m waiting on a response for another part time position doing the same thing that I am doing for some extra money.

In reality, I’m just really tired. I don’t know what else to do and this world is trash. I don’t want to be here anymore. I just don’t. But I have to sit here and do what society says is right and live until someone takes my life or I die. Oh joy!

Note: These were my thoughts as of 6/21/2022. A lot has changed.

We All Have Personal Problems

As a mother to a child with special needs, sometimes I get into my own head especially at the end of the school year when kids are graduating, going to prom, learning how to drive, and the like.

It makes me think of the things that I will likely miss out on. This is a common part of the grieving process when you have a child that won’t be able to do many things. I have spoken about this in my daughter’s blog and how it feels when your child first gets diagnosed.

My beautiful child was diagnosed with a moderate intellectual disability (formerly called “mental retardation”. We don’t use that word anymore and if you were to say it to me or my daughter in my presence, I would take a trip back to the psych ward gladly). She is 16 but her cognitive age is likely to get to the age of 8. I did not expect that diagnosis when I took her for evaluation (see: The Day My World Changed).

At her age, I was a reader, a great student, and I had dreams. My daughter can’t really read but her grades are good in her SpEd classes. She makes the Honor Roll and does her best. I spray her bear with lavender every day (the one she fought me for in February), kiss her on the head, hug her, and tell her I love her every day before school. I am so proud of what she has done in her life so far.

Loving WHO My Child is and is Becoming

People say that I underestimate her, and I did in the beginning. I don’t anymore but I also am realistic. She has a yellow belt in Taekwondo. I can’t even get through the first form. She is extremely observant. She can memorize choreography and make friends wherever she goes. She is a light to the world. She’s smart in a way that other people aren’t. I’m getting her tested for autism as they didn’t mention that in their original diagnosis, but she has the signs, and I am working with state programs to help. The ARC and DORS have already contacted me, and she is registered in Ready at 21 which is to help the kids, once they get out of high school, to get out there and take care of themselves. I will get her a huge dog though. I know I have to let her go but I also don’t want her to be taken advantage of.

I need to learn to appreciate those things about my child and stop looking at what I was doing at her actual age. Eight was a good age though, I’ll say that much. I was pretty happy. We got to go to the library every week or two and I would get my Babysitter’s Club books (we were allowed 5 books each when I was little) and I loved to read so much that I got an award in elementary school for being an outstanding reader. She doesn’t read and reading to her is hard because she will stop you to ask a million questions. She doesn’t understand a lot of things, especially death and, when I try to explain things to her, I feel that it’s a gift and a curse that she doesn’t understand this world, but I need her to be safe.

While I was looking into getting my Master’s (that I literally can’t afford), I saw advocacy programs. One thing that I have a problem with when it comes to the government is the fact that, if my child makes a little over what disability will give her (when she turns 18 because I make too much for her to get it now), she won’t get it anymore. They want them to work menial jobs in many cases, so they don’t have to pay the money that is rightfully theirs. They didn’t ask to have a disability. Also, if my daughter were to get married and both were getting disability, it would be taken away. I feel that it’s unfair personally and would like to do something about it but don’t know where to start. But the last time I tried to speak up on behalf of my daughter that doesn’t really pay attention or care too much about the thoughts of others, I was literally bullied by disabled people (yeah, it happened. I talked about it here) on Twitter so I did kind of say they can all go to hell, and I will advocate for my child that needs my help.

Bottom Line

I want to change the world for my daughter and people like her and there are entities out there that want to do the same. I can learn from them and take it from there. But I’m constantly worried about my child and her survival in this world more than mine. She has a village. She is loved. She is valued. But there are some shady people out there and I don’t want her to have any parts of them. I can’t keep her in a bubble.

This is just me thinking. I’m on pain pills or what might be a cracked tooth I’m having all the fun now. I’m lying. I have a lot of things to blog about, especially being turned down for writing jobs. That hurt and so much more. I might assign myself one day a week to do this but I’m currently attempting to get a second job. I took the test for it, have to take a drug test, and then get on the project. Times are hard and my child is asking about Melwood which is a great summer camp for kids with special needs but the price this year is $440/wk. I don’t know if I can swing it.

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