I’m a Horrible Resident

Name an attraction or town close to home that you still haven’t got around to visiting.

I live in the DC/MD/VA area. I basically have all the things around me.

One that is really embarrassing is the MGM at the National Harbor. I literally walked by it often while it was being built. I DRIVE by it to get my Starbucks (about to get some now). I still have NOT been inside. I live 5 minutes from this place.

Two others that I haven’t been to are in DC ( I live walking distance from DC). I have not been to the Holocaust nor the African American Museums. I think it’s more because I don’t WANT to go because both would infuriate me as a human being.

Being raised as a Jehovah’s Witness, we learned a lot about the people who wore the purple triangles. They were imprisoned, beaten, and killed because they refused to fight in the war. I have heard stories of the museum. I think I will pass.

I can’t do the African American Museum also because it will infuriate me. I got a taste of that HUGE museum at other museums in DC and I think I’m good on it. I still can’t watch slave movies because I would rather keep my wits about me and not want to pop people in retaliation for what my ancestors went through.

Fun times. There are many other close places I haven’t been but we would be here all day. Thanks for reading.

The Mad Woman’s View of Fun

List five things you do for fun.

This is going to be hard for me because you can’t count sleeping. I sleep to escape.

Since this is twisting my arm, I will say 5 things besides sleeping that I do for fun.

1. Color

They had us coloring in the psych ward and I enjoyed it. I still color.

2. Listen to music

I do this because I can do numerous things while listening to music but I’m lazy so I don’t do them.

3. Play in makeup

It makes me happy but I don’t like wasting product so it makes me leave the house

4. Working Out

I need motivation, but when I get it, I work out like the old days. I used to love lifting weights and running.

5. Listen to true crime podcasts

I wrote about those but I only listen to comedy true crime podcasts. Yes, it is a thing.

Those are some of the things I like to do. What do you like to do?

Writer’s Prompt of the Day

If you could make your pet understand one thing, what would it be?

I have a dog named Gary and I actually wrote a blog about him (My Dog, Gary “Bear” Johnson). One thing I wish he would understand is that he has food and doesn’t need to eat out the trash.

It makes him sick and works my nerves because I have to clean up everything he dragged out of the trash. He’s a jerk.

The end.

I Went to a Podcast Show “Alone” (Again)

Yes, I did it again. I went out into the “wild” to see some very important people.  As most of you know, I don’t do crowds and there are very few people or entities that can make me leave to do so:  Kpop (especially anything involving EXO see How Kpop Changed My Life (Part 3): That Time I Saw SuperM Live) and Obsessed with Disappeared.

A Brief Overview

If you don’t remember my last post about this subject, please feel free to visit I Went to a Podcast Show “Alone”.  You will find out about my experience there the first time.  In the end, I was not alone and met new people.  To this day, we have kept in touch.

As I had said in my post called My Favorite Podcasts (True Crime Edition Part 1), I mentioned the show called Obsessed with Disappeared.  Since the last time I went to the show, a new host was brought on by the name of Joey Taranto.  People really wanted to dislike him because … change.  You CAN’T dislike Joey.  If you do, the devil is in you and you have no friends. Yeah, I said it.  Also, they have a new podcast since Disappeared ended (and is restarting with our friend, Christopher). The new title of the show is I Think Not!

Ellyn is going to kill me for this pic!

The first time we were introduced to Joey via Instagram Live, I personally fell in love with him. He’s a great person, talks to you via voice message or DM, and is just an all around funny guy. Paired with Ellyn Marsh, you can’t lose. And we didn’t. Again, I did NOT regret going to see my favorite podcasters. We will never forget Patrick but this is our new dad now.


I ordered my tickets in November and, from that very moment, I had to mentally prepare to plan an outfit, leave the house, and get there. For introverts, it’s very stressful but I planned so much that I took the day off along with the rest of the week to get myself together (especially my hair). I also had to check and make sure that my buddies were coming although I knew I would meet more people. The week of, I was sending messages and asking if my people were coming.

When We Last Left Off …

Two and a half years ago, I met many people but three people stuck out in my mind. Two are Devan and her daughter, Zoe (she’s a twin) and the other is my little friend that bumrushed me for a seat, Dianna.  Dianna is a LOT like me; we are introverts and it takes a lot for us to leave home BUT, when we do, we can be the life of the party and it drains us.  When we return to our homes, we pass out and vow never to go amongst the people again. I actually saved her a seat this time so she didn’t have to steal it. She wasn’t going to come but I told her that I really wanted to see her so she Uber’d ALL the way from Annapolis so that she could see me and the show. During the show, she thanked me for getting her to come a number of times. I was just glad to have my little partner in crime.

Devan and Zoe brought a “drag along”. He was a DAD (Drag Along Dad). He had a shirt and everything. I will explain the term soon. I got to meet the husband and his face was like “These people are crazy but I love my family”.

My little friend that stole my seat, Dianna.
The Show

This might contain a spoiler but I will say that their intro was absolutely HILARIOUS! They were sitting watching TV and talking about how dumb criminals are. They decided they could be better criminals, found a “lewk”, and did random “crimes” around New York. After a day of crime, they sit down and wonder if there were some gullible people that would pay to watch them act a fool on stage. This is when we laughed at ourselves because that was us and we were proud to be it.

Because they are Broadway performers, of course there was singing and dancing and we were all there for it all. The interaction with the audience was phenomenal before, during, and after the show. They made EVERYONE feel special. I only know about before the show because I snuck in like a little thief (kidding). They literally were calling people out by name. They called me by name and Ellyn gave me some of their sponsored products that I had talked to her about. Did she have to do it? NO! But she did.

Hugging Joey for like the third time.
Going Outside of My Comfort Zone

You see that pic? I don’t hug people. I don’t “people”. We all know this but Joey gave me numerous hugs and THEN, I kid you not, asked me how I was at the end of the show. Why? Because he knew how I felt about being around crowds and being around people. Never in my life have I had a celebrity ask me directly how I was doing and check on my well being. There is a lot to be said for that.

If one were to go to the podcast page, they would see so many pics of Ellyn and Joey hugging people and just smiling. If you had a stone face at that show, you belonged somewhere else.

Even the “drag alongs” were included in the show. What’s a “drag along”? A person that literally has no clue what we are obsessed with but comes with their friend, significant other, family, or even a date so that they won’t be “alone”. The jokes that were directed at the “drag alongs” were hilarious and then they would give them nicknames too. It was just a good time for everyone. We even got new fans because of this. Many “drag alongs” are going to Obsessed Fest in October (if they have it in DC, I would go, I swear I would).

Hugging Ellyn because I could this time
In the End …

I had a ball and all my friends and just everyone that knows me were so proud of me for going out again. When they heard I hugged people, they really were happy. I even looked halfway decent and that vibe from Friday lasted all the way to Sunday. I put makeup on, got dressed, and left the house to get religion. Bottom line: They made my year and it’s only January.

Thank you again Ellyn and Joey! You are the best and I can’t wait to see you guys again!

Men(tal) Health

Disclaimer: This is my opinion based on what I have personally observed from men in society, my readings, observations of men in my life, and other sources. The only true facts are the ones presented by the reputable sources cited in the links throughout and at the end of this post. Because of this, I will be focusing on Black men especially.

Why Mental Health is Important for Men Too

I have been saying I was going to address this for a very long time now and that time has finally come. Let’s start out with stats regarding mental illness among men and the chances they have of seeking help as opposed to handling it themselves. Although there is a stigma regarding seeking mental health assistance, women seek it out at a higher rate than men.

According to the NIMH, although it is not documented that men have a higher number of mental illnesses statistically or seek help, they do have a higher suicide rate according to the CDC. In 2020 alone, men died at least 3.88 times more than women due to suicide completion. The main instrument of death for men (and this has been a known fact since I was getting my Associate’s) are firearms. Women usually make it through their attempts and don’t go that route. When they do, it is extremely rare but women usually complete suicide by poisoning. Firearms, in 2020, accounted for 52.83% of suicides in 2020. In looking at stats, we also can’t count the actual number of attempts as they are usually self-reported.

The issue with stats is that sometimes the way in which they are collected (mind you, I hated stats so I will explain it the dumb way) aren’t always fail proof. Self-reported surveys are not really dependable. There are also margins of error to consider. Example, if a person doesn’t seek help for an illness, how can it be collated in a study? Because of this and my personal observations that there are men in this world that NEED therapy at the least and refuse to get it, we’re going to talk about men in general and then speak on men of color.

Illnesses in Men in General

It is a small joke that men have to be dying to go to the doctor. This is true, however. Many instances of prostate cancer aren’t caught early because many men (I will do my best not to generalize) don’t want anyone near their butt. The same goes for a colonoscopy. When they do this, they are doing a disservice to themselves which sometimes costs them their very lives.

We don’t know why this is. I can give my opinion based on the people I have dealt with but I will refrain here.

Mental Illnesses in Men

I have previously discussed the stigma surrounding mental health in our community (see: Bipolar and Black), especially among people of color. Although white men complete suicide at a higher rate than minorities (keyword: minorities), POC also suffer from mental illnesses, attempt, and complete suicide. When we look at the studies in the links above, we see that African American men were the fourth group to complete suicide. One thing that I constantly tell people is that Alaskan and Indigenous people have the highest suicide rate (see CDC Suicide Statistics in Men ). Alaska is dark most of the year (we need light). Indigenous people are treated poorly, and they have the highest rates of alcoholism (I wrote a paper on this for my alcoholism class and a sociology course) which can lead to higher rates of abuse and suicide (that’s another post).

But let’s talk about how men handle mental illness.

Many men ignore the signs which are listed at the NIMH as:

Men and women can develop most of the same mental disorders and conditions but may experience different symptoms. Some symptoms include:

  • Anger, irritability, or aggressiveness
  • Noticeable changes in mood, energy level, or appetite
  • Difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much
  • Difficulty concentrating, feeling restless, or on edge
  • Increased worry or feeling stressed
  • Misuse of alcohol and/or drugs
  • Sadness or hopelessness
  • Suicidal thoughts
  • Feeling flat or having trouble feeling positive emotions
  • Engaging in high-risk activities
  • Aches, headaches, digestive problems without a clear cause
  • Obsessive thinking or compulsive behavior
  • Thoughts or behaviors that interfere with work, family, or social life
  • Unusual thinking or behaviors that concern other people

Many try to drown it out with work, jokes, sex, drugs, drinking, ect. Our brain is the most important organ we have in our body. If a man hurts himself physically, you can bet he will be in the doctor’s office but, if he has something like a pain in the chest, heart, stomach, the odds are he will not seek help until he sees some blood or can’t walk. If I’m wrong, let me know. If a man goes for a physical, they usually have to be compelled in some sort of way such as for benefits for a job or a requirement of your job (such as military).

The Impact of Ignoring Mental Health

We often talk about bag ladies as Eryka Badu sang about but there are many men carrying a lot of baggage as well. They put this baggage on their mates and a cycle begins. The woman might seek mental help, but the man doesn’t. The man then transfers his baggage onto the woman who tries to heal this man while draining herself. I have been the “healer” of men to my own detriment, and I will never do it again. Because the woman is more likely to seek mental help, she is leaned upon to be that backbone.

People want the woman to uplift a man when he is down but why can’t the man do this as well? Just as therapy is available to women, it is available to men. I have heard men say that they don’t need anyone telling them what to do, don’t want anyone to know their business, aren’t weak so why do they need a therapist? Well, if you ask me, running away from the problem and doing things to just numb the pain temporarily makes you a weak-minded person. I said it and I mean it. It’s better to face your issues head on.

Finding things to numb or cope with trauma or stressors doesn’t reach the root of the problem. It just numbs the pain until the symptoms come around again. It is a choice to ignore what is going on right in front of your face. Many men choose to do this for the reasons stated above but who else does this impact?

If there are children involved, the children are often a casualty of this abandonment of mental health awareness as well. The way that the parents handle mental health goes down to the children. In my previous posts, I have talked about how I knew I had a problem, especially seeing and hearing the things I heard (see The Story of My Mental Illness) and how I was told to handle them. I was told to pray (typical in religious families) or I was just ignored even in my adulthood.

Another Celebrity Suicide

While I was writing this blog, I was told of the death of DJ Twitch. And this is another sad story. As with many men that take their own lives, he did it by firearm. Firearm and hanging are the main ways in which men take their lives. Not too long ago, a female anchor took her own life by firearm as well. It gave me pause because women usually take pills. In both of these instances, I cannot say that they woke up and said “I’m going to off myself today.” Nine times out of ten, there are little things that turn into big things that build up.

Some of the happiest, funniest, strongest people are out here fighting for their lives every day. I spoke about these people in We Walk Among You. Some seek help, others don’t. Those that don’t have a higher chance of contemplating and attempting suicide. I talked about Robin Williams years ago in Let’s REALLY Talk About Suicide. People didn’t recognize what was behind the smile, the humor, and the money. He was hurting and he was sick but he didn’t say anything to the public at least (which was his right).

When celebrities complete suicide (some of us say “complete” instead of “commit” because the word “commit” implies that a crime against someone else has been committed and villainizes the person), everyone gets on their soapboxes and starts to talk about how we don’t know what is going on behind smiles. We don’t. We sure don’t but that doesn’t stop many of us from being mean to people that might already be going through something, and you want to pile on. It doesn’t stop us from perpetuating the stigma that someone is “crazy” for seeing a professional for mental health help. It doesn’t stop people from just being evil because someone is different, looks different, or doesn’t fit into the mold that you made for the world to fit in.

It doesn’t stop us from thinking that people that seek help are weak. I was told by an ex (thank God) that he wouldn’t have dated me had he known that I had bipolar disorder. Funny coming from a man that smokes weed three times a day to self-medicate but doesn’t even know why he has to do it. And I know his story, he has been through trauma.

A lot of men have been through trauma but choose to ignore it. It’s more manly to fuck, smoke, drink, and drug your way through the issue but never touch on WHY you need those things and what you are trying to cope WITH.

What You Can Do


Please don’t let anyone transfer their trauma onto you. If they want to talk, listen, be that safe space. If they cry, let them. Crying is a human emotion. I have had many men cry around me because, instead of claiming I am a safe space, I AM that safe space. I don’t use what they say against them in the future, but I also don’t allow them to use me as their therapist. I have a degree, but I am not a licensed therapist. I am a mental patient myself as well as an advocate.

When things get too much, refer them to a therapist. You are not their therapist. You can’t drain yourself and risk your own mental health for the sake of being “supportive”. There are a lot of ways to be supportive but risking yourself for someone else (a man) is not it. I spoke about this in Dating a Person with a Diagnosed Mental Illness, Could You Do It? Should You Do It? There is only but so much we can do for others. I’m not saying to just let them go and let them wallow but I AM saying that you need to put yourself first. If the tools are given to them to rectify whatever is hurting them, show them and let it go. I’m not saying to stay or go but be smart because the person that will lose out in the end is the one that is doing all the work on behalf of someone that doesn’t want to be helped.

I have had men use their mental illness against me. I have had men threaten suicide so that I would come see them. Do not let them weaponize their issues against you. It happens. Two men I dated did this to me because they knew how much I cared for them and that I knew what suicidal ideation was like.


Be honest with yourself. You are human. You have a right to your feelings. What you were told by old school men does not stand true today. You have the right to cry, you have the right to feel, you have the right to look at your trauma, learn from it, and cope with it. You are not a child that needs someone to make you see someone. Self-medicating is not forever. It is a temporary fix that helps no one in the end.

Just talking to someone that you trust can be a good thing but talking to a therapist that you can be open, honest, and vulnerable with without it being thrown back at you or shared is the best option. It might be hard in the beginning and you might hate it but, once you find your match, it will be like talking to an old friend.

I have been seeing my current therapists for 13 years. They know me like the back of their hand. They are honest with me and we really get down to why I am the way I am. Learning yourself is freeing yourself. Seeing a therapist does not always come with having to take meds (I know a lot of people don’t like to take prescription meds unless it’s weed) so sometimes just talking things out frees you of whatever is holding you down and causing you stress.

Remember, some people don’t have to see a therapist or take medications for the rest of their lives as they have acute conditions. Loss of a loved one and other life changes can require a recharge in the form of talking to a professional just to learn mechanisms in which to cope. This doesn’t have to be forever unless you have certain conditions. In You Called a Therapist …Now What? I speak about how the process can be frustrating. First you have to find your match, then you have to go back to a trauma you might have wanted to forget, point it out, learn your triggers, and learn how to cope with said triggers.

I always give the example of my father who refuses to go to the VA for the trauma that he went through as a Vietnam Vet. I have talked to many men who have seen combat and they have told me that they don’t want to go back to that. They don’t want to talk about it or think about it.

There are alternatives but you need to speak to a therapist to find out said alternatives. There are many types of therapy. Art, music, talk, etc. Everything doesn’t have to be you sitting on a couch spilling your guts to a person and a therapist can teach you that.

Therapy isn’t supposed to hurt you, it’s supposed to help you. You are not weak for wanting or needing it. You are a human being. So let’s stop the stigma where it is. Let’s not pass the stigmas down to our children. Let’s make it so that if our child comes to us and says they need to talk to someone that we encourage them to get their feelings out. If they don’t feel comfortable telling us, get them to someone that they will talk to. Children are completing suicide at a high rate and it’s getting worse. In order to be an example to the next generation, we have got to do better.

In the End …

I could really go on about this but I suggest that everyone look inside themselves. If you don’t have mental health issues but have friends that might, please check on them. I check on friends randomly via text or phone call. Sending cards or little gifts showing that you are thinking about them is also nice. Let them know that you are thinking about them and that you care.

When I attempted suicide, I felt that no one cared and that I meant nothing to this world. The second time I went to the psych ward, I learned that I was totally wrong. Doing things for others and being shown and told that I mean something to this world has kept me here even though this world depresses me on a daily basis.

A small act of kindness can mean the world to a person who feels that the world is not for them anymore. Let’s try to do better. Let’s try to do better before it’s too late and we’re saying the same thing over and over “S/he was always smiling. You never know what is going on behind those smiles.”

Thank you for reading!





Hard Days Living with Bipolar Disorder

I haven’t had the best few weeks or maybe even months. Someone told me that tomorrow is Worldwide Bipolar Disorder Day and I don’t think that this post would be appropriate for that day because it’s not a very happy blog.  

For many years, I have been doing everything to better myself as a person.  I have gone to school, obtained a degree, learned more about myself, worked out, made sure to take my meds religiously, tempered my speech, learned about how to rear my daughter with her disabilities, and tried my best not to kill myself.  

I do my best not to be around my triggers (see: Knowing Your Triggers) and I try my best to temper myself when people feel the need to test me or treat me as if I don’t matter and am not a person.  Even with all this that I try to do, it is not recognized.  

Does It Matter if It’s Recognized?

To me, it does in a way. I see my growth and I feel proud of myself but when people deny that growth or take advantage of that growth, it makes you want to return to what you were.  

It’s crazy because people that KNOW me and have known me for a decade or more understand where I came from, what I was, and who I was.  My therapists tell me all the time that they are proud of me and my progression.  But it seems as though I am backsliding.  I take my meds and do what I’m supposed to do but there are situations in which you cannot control your triggers but only your response.  

My mom got sick again.  When she gets sick, she calls me which is fine because I am in the medical field.  But, when you call me and I offer you advice (sound advice), acknowledge and maybe take it.  I might not be a doctor or even a nurse but, if you read medical charts all day, see the whole process of a person being sick, their treatments, and discharge (or death), you learn some things. You also have to know physiology, pharmacology, anatomy, etc. But I digress.  If I suggest something you don’t do it, and then a doctor tells you exactly what I told you, it bothers me. 

And it bothers me because it’s as if I’m a whole dummy.  It’s not even about being right but it’s about at least just listening.  I told my mother to go to the ER instead of the urgent care. She and my sister decided that they weren’t going to do that. She ended up being admitted to the hospital.  Cool.  Fine.  It is what it is?  

My other sibling (technically, I am only really claiming my brother at this point) got mad at something and told me to forget it then brought it up again, I said “It’s forgotten”, and she got mad that I did what she had asked me to do.  This whole picking fights thing irks me.  And it really bothers me when THIS sister does it because we usually get along. I don’t do or say anything to intentionally hurt anyone.  Funny thing is that I never really did do that but people have labeled me as “mean” for a very long time. Since I was a teenager. The ONE thing I always prided myself on was the fact that I never provoked anyone. I never just did stuff just to be mean.  If I were to go to the bad place, it was because someone KEPT picking with me.  

For some reason, when my mother is sick, the devil comes out of my siblings and I have to sit there and be the whipping boy. No one wants to hear anything and it’s all about instant gratification.  So the other girl that came out of my mother decided that my mother wasn’t asking the right questions, the docs weren’t doing their jobs, etc.  Although I have never worked in a hospital full time, I do know that tests and the like take time. I also knew that this time wasn’t like the last time when my mother almost died and was not able to make decisions for herself.  It is also a time when COVID is a big deal and my mother is not the only patient in the hospital.

However, that was not good enough for her.

Oh, and lets not talk about how my mother literally yelled at me for suggesting a procedure that she had before because her issue is likely gastrointestinal related.  She thought I was talking about them sticking a tube down her nose into her stomach.  I was talking about a colonoscopy. She yelled at me and I just had to let it go. Next day, what happens?  The doctor suggested the exact same thing that I had suggested.  Even when I had tried to explain the two procedures, she had yelled at me.  But yeah….

I mean, as a person with a mental illness, sometimes we take issue with people seemingly picking on us or we see everything as picking on us; especially when it comes back to back to back. So the other girl that came out of my mother said we weren’t asking the right questions, the docs didn’t know what they were doing, and that my mom was just laying in the hospital for nothing (hospitals aren’t doing that especially during COVID but what do I know), oh, and that she thought that she should go to another hospital because they seemed to have done a better job.  I tried to explain to her that, in this instance, no one has to tell us anything as our mother is able to speak her mind (HIPAA).  My mother was very frustrated because the “other girl” decided that the doctor needed to talk to HER because she had questions.  The thing is:  What kind of questions are you going to ask and will you understand the answers?  Also, she made a comment that she had a doctor friend that told her to just have the doctor talk to them.  Well, if that’s not YOUR patient, that doctor doesn’t have to talk to you about anything and, again, HIPAA.  My mother didn’t authorize that so what are you doing?

In the end, the docs knew to talk to me. That seemed to be a problem to the other person as I must just be too dumb to impart the importance of having questions answered because I’m not the smartest tool in the shed.  Everyone has their own lane.  One is good at finances, one is good at real estate, one is good at technology, and one is good at medical issues.  We all have a lane.  

So, when I imparted that info to the “other one”, she got mad and said that we’re not asking the right questions and that she needed answers and that no one was going to tell her not to care about her mother. I calmly tried to tell her that no one was saying not to care about her mother.  My point was that our mother has a voice this time and can make her own decisions and ask us when she needs help.  I also told her that I didn’t have the energy to argue with her about it and that my mental state wasn’t the best right then. My brother (the only sibling I am claiming at this point) said to give it a rest. 

TWO hours later, this “person” says that if my mental state isn’t the best that I should allow someone else to take care of the medical part.  Now, here is why that was just a messed up thing to say:

I have bipolar disorder BUT I still take care of my responsibilities.  If I didn’t have the capacity to prioritize, I wouldn’t have a job, my child and my animals would not be taken care of, and I would be homeless.  I am a functioning individual and I was going to make sure I was around when I was needed.  I do what I have to do for those I care about.  I told her this and told her to leave me alone. 

Instead of letting it go, she said “Just looking out for you, sis”. And I knew she wasn’t being sincere. At that point, again, I had to tell her to leave me alone.  What kind of person just keeps picking at a person? I know who does and this is why I don’t really talk to her often, especially online because people talk recklessly online or via text and I can’t touch them. It really irks me when people that KNOW what I am capable of KEEP messing with me. 

My Final Decision and Only Recourse

At that point, the only thing I could do is only speak to them about my mother so that she didn’t have to tell everyone the same story over and over again.  I explained what was taking place, what was going to happen, etc.  The doctor talked to me Saturday and she was discharged from the hospital. 

I haven’t talked to the “siblings” since then. I don’t need to.  I have nothing to say to them.  When I do things, the ONE thing that I ALWAYS do is reread the conversation (especially via text) to find out what I did wrong. I evaluate myself and how things could have been misinterpreted because I don’t want to be mad at something when I was in the wrong.  And, if I see my mistake, I apologize.  

In my family, we weren’t taught to apologize. Will I get an apology for any of the things that happened in those few days?  No.  However, if I had been the offender, I can tell you that I would have apologized.  The issue, in my opinion, is that no one in my family feels that I am worthy of an apology.  This low self worth could be part of my depression at this point and just needing a little bit of a “Hey, good job!” would have helped. This is a personal problem and no one’s issue but my own but these are my feelings. This is how I process things when I’m already in a depressed state.

And that’s fine.  It doesn’t seem as though I am worthy of a lot of things lately and it’s wearing on me.  And when things wear on me, I start to have negative thoughts.  

Suicidal Thoughts

One thing that the insurance was worried about was the fact that my only reason for living is my little family (my daughter, dog, and cat).  Those are my reasons for living.  My daughter especially.  The insurance is saying that I need other reasons for wanting to live.  

Look at this world though.  Where is the reason to live? I have great friends but these friends have their own serious problems that are really very big in comparison to mine.  I haven’t lost anyone close to me, lost my job, been assaulted, etc (knock on wood).  So my hurt feelings, in the grand scheme of things, isn’t anything they need to be bothered with.  That’s why I have a therapist and a psychiatrist.  They can listen.

When things bother me and happen in succession, everything just feels bad.  And, when everything just feels bad, you have a hard time even enjoying the things that once brought you so much joy.  When this happens, you just do everything on autopilot.  So I work and parent on autopilot. It’s like driving to work and not even remembering doing so.

There were days where I just literally slept all day.  The weekend was usually that time.  If I didn’t have overtime, I would feed my family and go to sleep.  Sleep is when you don’t have to think or deal with anything. You just sleep.  No one bothers you and you just are alone.  My naps are my deepest sleep according to my Fitbit.  Saturdays I slept all day. Sundays, if I didn’t have overtime, I did the same.  

In addition to this, every night when I take my meds, I contemplate just taking them all.  I think about it every single night.  The thing is that I will never do it.  Besides living for my little family, I know that I have bad luck.  Whatever I would try to do wouldn’t work.  If I jumped off a bridge, I would probably hurt myself really bad and decrease the quality of my life even more.  

These are the things that I deal with every single day.  But I fight.  I fight myself a lot.  I try to motivate myself.  Instagram and YouTube have great fitness enthusiasts that do great work outs.  I sit there and watch them. 

There was a time that I was happy going to my little gym and running on the treadmill while watching and discussing Family Feud with my little gym family.  I haven’t seen them in a very long time and I miss them.  Running on the treadmill was great for me. I don’t run on concrete and I live in an apartment but I have been eyeing an apartment treadmill.  


Also, when you suffer from depression, you kind of just don’t want to do anything.  In order for me to get a little treadmill, I need to declutter.  It looks like I am moving. I try to give myself an assignment daily but it’s just hard. And I’m constantly washing clothes so, I can fold all day but putting the stuff away happens after I wash ANOTHER load of clothes.  And I have to get around to that because again, not motivated.  

Having a cluttered space is not good for you. I do keep my blinds open though so the sun can shine in. That is very important. I usually sit in the sun when it gets warm outside. I have done that for years because Vitamin D is very important.

Now What?

The bad thing is that I KNOW all of these things about me and I know what I’m supposed to do to try to help the situation.  But it’s like I literally just don’t care anymore.  I don’t care about anything but making sure these lil folks in my apartment are taken care of.  And I can’t really say anything to my therapists or they will have me put in the place that I do not want to return to.  

The most I can do is ask for more frequent appointments, maybe ask for new meds, and just keep trying to live day to day.  

The worst part is that it all feels so petty to me but that’s why I’m on meds in the first place.  When I was first diagnosed as having Major Depressive Disorder, my doctor explained to me that everything got to me and that’s why I needed the meds “to put up a shield”.  Now I have the meds and have been on different meds for 20 years now and little things are getting to me again.  

With bipolar disorder, you usually go from manic to depressive but, right now I WISH I was in a manic state because I would be able to get things done.  But this depressive state has been ongoing.  When this happens, you really just want it to end.  And then you add on family issues, the social climate, people misunderstanding everything you do, and you just wonder if anything is even worth it.  

In the past, I felt that the only place that I was ever really appreciated was my job.  They appreciated my effort.  It was the only place I could go for peace as well (this was when I was working IN a doctor’s office before they fired me).  I have friends and they appreciate me and I appreciate them.  I don’t want them to constantly feel that they have to tell me that they appreciate me either which is another reason why it’s best I keep my petty issues to myself.  

These are the thoughts that are going through my mind tonight.  It’s time for me to take my meds (I won’t think of taking them all tonight), put on some Snoozecast, and try to rest my mind. 

Thank you for reading (if I publish this because it might be too depressing for people to read but this is what sometimes goes on in the minds of people that suffer from depression)!

Tales from the Psych Ward (Part One)

Back Again

Okay, 12 years ago, I had to go to Southern Maryland Hospital for getting extremely triggered by my father and cutting the tendons in my hand. I talked about it a little in The Story of My Mental Illness. Well, I found myself back at the same hospital although it is now Medstar Southern Maryland Hospital (I have to look up when they became affiliated with them because some things changed for the worst). I personally was finding my way back to that place and hanging onto a thread although I swore I would never be back there and I meant it.

How Did We Get Back There?

Well, I have been on a downward spiral for a number of months (probably 6 mos now). I had spoken to my therapist for a few months and do not fault him for not really changing my meds or upping my dosage because…. COVID. We have never been like this before so COVID with seasonal depressive disorder AND bipolar disorder(s) 1 and 2 were coded. Of course I checked the codes because I’m a coder. I’ll check the HCC Coder tomorrow to see if there is an Excludes note on 1 and 2. If there is, you can’t code them together. Anyhow, here is a video that gives a little bit of a summary of Bipolar 1 and 2.


Anyhow, the seasonal depressive disorder and bipolar disorder kind of suck but they usually come together for some reason. For some people it comes in two seasons. The seasons mine seemed to come in in the past were Fall and Spring. This time it seems as though it came in Fall, Spring, and Summer and I couldn’t get out of it. To top it off, my daughter has been giving me problems and a lot of attitude. What sent me over the edge on Thursday was finally just being really treated like trash when the reason I live is for her. I couldn’t get the thought out of my mind that she would be better off without me. This came from a morning exchange where she literally disrespected me and, to me, this is a HUGE trigger. I don’t do disrespect. But I also have to remember that my daughter has a MODERATE intellectual disability as well as autism. See Having a Child with an Intellectual Disability WHILE Dealing with Your Own Mental Illness. So we have triggers and sometimes you can’t get past some of the triggers when they keep coming at you and you can’t literally beat your child up (especially one with a disability. Can you just hear the journalist telling my story? Mother Kills Disabled Child. Doesn’t sound right, does it?) so what do you do? You have to sit there and take it? No, but you have every right to get tired of it.

That day, I got tired of it. Here’s what happened:

First, I told my daughter to get up and take a shower. She got up, went to the bathroom, came out, and started putting clothes on. Now, she has to take a shower in the morning because she sometimes has accidents so it’s best to get up in the morning and shower.

I’m annoyed at her room and her not doing what I tell her so I tell her again to get into the shower. I then get a trash bag and start (trying) to clean her room as it is a hot mess at the time. I’m cleaning out the litter box (which she is supposed to do) and she turns the light off. I ask her to turn the light back on so I can see. Do you know what she says to me? “I’m tired of this, YOU turn the light back on” while standing right NEXT TO the light switch. At that time, I had to pray. Now, I have been having issues with her getting up daily and I understand why:

  1. There is no set uniform for ESY (Extended School Year)
  2. She hasn’t had to dress to go to school for a long time
  3. She hasn’t had to actually GO to school for well over a year

Although these are not excuses, I have to take these into consideration as routine is very important to children with autism and sometimes kids in general. So, with all these changes, it’s pretty annoying and hard to get back into a routine that you were once familiar with.

The Snitches

Well, I’m such a planner (again) that I was doing research to figure out how to commit suicide in the most non painful way. With that being said, I knew that I had bad luck in the past when it came to performing the act. Maybe it’s the Virgo in me but I’m a planner so I looked up “How to commit suicide” and was annoyed when Google gave me the Suicide Hotline info instead. That was counterproductive. I had a bunch of old Seroquel that I was taken off because of Diabetes (see So I Have Diabetes) but it was from a good 3 years ago so that wasn’t going to finish the act. Also, if I used my prescription meds (Klonopin) and it didn’t work, I would have to find a reason to ask for another refill for it which wasn’t going to serve me well. Then I started looking up jumping off bridges. The closest bridge we have is the Woodrow Wilson Bridge. So I started looking up what would happen if I jumped off the bridge. I found out that jumping with clothes could act as a parachute and slow down your fall but you would die a painful death mostly BUT there were people that survived the falls. I also didn’t get a chance to read up on how high the WW Bridge was because my complaint to my coworker (in Michigan that I have never met in person) got put into a group chat with myself and another friend that doesn’t live too far from me. Ohhhh, the fun they had.

They didn’t like my tone. They did not think I was “fine”. One said she was calling the police but didn’t know my address, just knew where I lived. Well, the one I have NEVER MET sent her my address swiftly. And, with that, the police were called.

I went ahead and called the Suicide Prevention number and was talking to a lady when the police knocked on my dang on door. They asked me what was up, I told them that I was alive because of my daughter and felt as though she no longer needed me so there was no longer a reason for me to be here.

You Have TWO Choices

When you go away, they give you two choices ALWAYS: Voluntary or involuntary. Well, the police officer gave me my first set of choices. Either I go in the ambulance (voluntary), or I ride in the cop car with handcuffs (involuntary). Um….. which would you pick?

So, I took the ambulance, got my vitals taken, was asked some questions and taken to the ER for Behavioral Health to be assessed to see if they were going to admit me or not. I was in there chillin. I got to watch Law and Order: SVU but I wanted them to do what they had to do so I could get out. A social worker came and talked to me asking me what brought me there and I told her. She made the decision to admit me. I had two choices: voluntary (3 day stay) or involuntary (10 day stay). I chose voluntary and signed a 72 hour form (this will come back up). I was then in a rush to get upstairs so that my time could start.

Man, that rush was not cool. I would have much rather stayed in the flippin ER watching my shows because going upstairs was like going to hell.

I will stop here for now because I have chosen to go back to work but I have so many stories to tell. Some are funny, some are sad, and I almost got into 2 fights while there, not gonna lie. People like to test you and people are my triggers.

This series will have multiple parts:

  1. My first days there (almost fighting on day number one with a person that liked to pick fights)
  2. My roommate
  3. The lack of care that I felt was given on a 1:1 basis
  4. The fact that we were doing our own 1:1 sessions amongst one another and supporting one another
  5. The seemingly same questions given that could easily be answered so that we could get out of there
  6. Why you have to sign a 72 hour downstairs and once you get admitted and why you have to ASK for the dang on form when you get upstairs
  7. How some patients need not have roommates as they are only more stressful
  8. The difference in the food in the hospital given to the other floors vs the food given to the psych unit (and I know there is a difference as my mother was there about 3 mos ago)
  9. Just the pros and cons and maybe some research on other facilities for behavioral health
  10. Support from family and friends.

A Lot Has Happened in the Past 5 Days

I don’t regret it at all and don’t fault my “village” for caring enough for me to take action and not just take my word for it. They had been paying attention even with all they had going on in their lives and I appreciate them for it although they are going to have to pay. And they don’t like the way that I pay. LOL I had actually wanted to do a series on my “village”. There are some very beautiful and caring women in my village and I would like to introduce them to you one day.

For now, I thank you for reading and I hope you keep reading this series. Kpop will be mentioned, don’t think it won’t be. I had a lot of pictures but it seems as though my little welcome handbook got taken away by accident but it’s cool. I was going to showcase some of my marker and color pencil skills. LOL I actually have coloring books and beautiful color pencils that I love to use so I will continue doing that as it is very soothing. I might do it around lunch time.

Either way, there is a lot more to come and I need to actually do research to find out the actual job description for a med tech because it seemed as though they did more than was necessary and I respected them very much for that.

Until then, time for bed. Please look forward to my other posts about this experience. I hope that this can be a deterrent, however.

Part 2 is here https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRVXKrh9/

You Called a Therapist …Now What?

Therapy is a Lot of Work

Everyone says to seek therapy or “call your therapist” but what happens after that? I am in the medical insurance field so I am going to skip that subject unless requested to do one. I can tackle that topic in another post.

When I ask what happens after you find a therapist, I mean, are you going to put in the work? There are many different types of therapy and sometimes you have to go to a psychiatrist and a psychologist (licensed therapist or other credentialed therapists) to work on the whole problem.

In my case I have a psychiatrist (I went to the psychiatrist first to see if I actually had a mental disorder) and then I was referred to a LICSW (Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker) or a LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker). There are specialists such as Family and Marriage Counselors or others that work with specific demographics such as children or people in the LGBTQIA+ community. The difference is that the psychiatrist can diagnose and treat mental illnesses and the therapist works with you on what the psychiatrist diagnosed you with (if there actually is a diagnosis or they’re treating the person and NOT the diagnosis as my psychiatrist always says).

My psychiatrist visits started out as 30-minute visits so that they could find out what was up, get you situated and stable on the meds, and observe how well the treatment was working. My psychiatrist visits are now about 5-15 minutes. They just see how the medication is (or is not) working and you can see them a few times weekly to 1-3 months out once you are stable. Therapy visits are usually longer, more frequent in the beginning, and less as you learn how to deal with whatever brought you to them.

Therapy is Like a Marriage

Sure, you got a therapist, but what are you going to do with them? The first thing you need is communication and trust. If you don’t have those two things, you are already destined for failure just as in marriage.

You have to be willing to share your story TRUTHFULLY. There are people out here that literally lie to therapists to portray themselves as a victim. The therapist can only really go by what they are being told. In some cases of people with personality disorders, therapists will soon figure out what is true and what is not. This, however, doesn’t help the patient to lie to the person that is trying to help them.

You have to work WITH your professional if you want to reach a goal of better mental health. Don’t waste their time as there is a shortage of therapists out here and someone that really wants help could be utilizing their time.

Longevity of Treatment

Just because you had to go to a professional doesn’t mean it’s forever. I feel that this is a fear of many. In my case, I will have to see my professionals until they retire at the least. I have bipolar disorder and sometimes I backslide. Sometimes something happens where I need immediate attention or I become violent.

As stated before, I started out with my therapist and psychiatrist going once a week but I titrated down the better I got. COVID happened and I backslid which put me back to biweekly instead of every month for my therapist and from monthly instead of every three months for my other professionals. I have three professionals. I see one monthly and the other biweekly. The psychiatrist just monitors my medication and I have been put on a new treatment which will be monitored every two months to make sure that this new regimen works. It sounds like a lot but it really isn’t especially when you know how far I have come as a person.

The better you get, the less you have to go.

My First Visit

I saw my therapist and psychiatrist after blacking out and stabbing a counter in anger at my father who was going to be my next target. I stayed in the psych ward for 5 days. This took place about 13 years ago. I got there, still had my cast on my and from cutting my tendons, and they asked me why I was there so I told them. For me, I was at my lowest and I needed to talk to someone that wouldn’t judge me. My therapist and psychiatrist are cool. Talking to my therapist is like talking to a friend and my psychiatrist is an older, Jewish man and I feel just fine talking to him. He has a PhD. My therapist is a LICSW.

They know all my dirt. ALL of my dirt. When I was out here being a hypersexual manic person, they knew. I gave my therapist a LIST of all the men I was dealing with as they had nicknames. She still has it in her file and we laugh about it. I have been celibate for SEVEN years now. Tell me that therapy doesn’t work. I have been through a lot with my jobs and family members, and they have been there to listen. It helps that I study psychology and know how to think outside of myself so I really go to them to verify that my conclusion is correct. This is not saying that they are to agree with me, because they don’t. But we look at situations from all sides. I usually can tell when I’m wrong and we discuss why I am wrong OR why I actually am right when I think I am wrong.


There are many people in this world that have access to mental health professionals but don’t want to revisit the trauma that caused them to need one. My dad is one of those people and there are many Vets that have that same concern.

If something happened to you many years that is impacting your everyday life now, you need to go and revisit that painful trauma to learn the triggers and how to cope with said triggers. That’s how you change the impact that the trauma has on you. I know this is easier said than done but it is a necessary evil. Holding trauma in, drinking, smoking, sexing, abusing it away will not get rid of the actual trauma that is causing it. Getting to the root of the current behavior requires revisiting painful things.

In The End …

Making the decision to see a therapist is great but it is a waste if you’re not ready to put in the work to get better. It’s like physical therapy. You go often and you keep working on the source of the pain until you don’t have to go as often or at all because you learn to do the work to get rid of the pain. Work with your therapist. They are not mind readers so please don’t expect them to be that. Also, remember that HIPAA is a thing and they cannot disclose your information unless you are a danger to yourself or others among a SHORT list of other conditions.

What’s the big deal? It’s just a shower!

A shower. Water pouring over us, in order to remain clean for society, and ourselves. It takes walking into the bathroom, undressing, turning the water on, waiting till it’s the right temp, making sure there is a clean towel nearby and clean clothes. It then takes stepping into the bathtub/shower, grabbing the body wash, shampoo, […]

What’s the big deal? It’s just a shower!

New Meds …. Who Dis?

Fun Times with Meds

I have been on many meds for my bipolar disorder. Some things just don’t work while others do. Some work in tandem with others. Some are just annoying. I believe I spoke about my experiences with some medications and how what works for one but not for another.

Because of this, I will just give a nice disclaimer:

What works for me might not work for others. I have had horrible reactions to Wellbutrin and Seroquel while others do well on them. I have been on many of the older meds that were prescribed based on diagnosis only. As my great psychiatrist said, “I treat the person, not the diagnosis” and he sticks to it.

I Was Spiraling Again

I was so bad for the past few months that my job appointed therapist wanted to reach out to my psychiatrist. I wanted to either hurt myself or others which isn’t ideal and I am never going back to the psych ward.

Because of this, I chose to keep my regular appointment with my psychiatrist because I thought it was the full moon, PMS, or seasonal depression. It could have been all of them in all honesty. I rode it out, but I still had serious suicidal and homicidal ideation. The thing that helped though, is that I had no actual plans on killing myself or a specific person. However, if said opportunity presented itself, I would easily do it. I do have a story to tell at the end of this post.

Talking to the Psychiatrist

I had to tell him all the feelings I had had, how I was attempting to cope, etc. He suggested two more medications (one of which I had been on while in the psych ward). I now take Zoloft and Abilify in the morning and Klonopin and Trazadone at night. Sleep, as I constantly state, are VERY important period. But they are extremely important to people that are in a constant state of thought. I think about what I’m going to do to pay rent, looking for jobs, what to do to feed my daughter, etc. You guys saw the post about trying to obtain different forms of income because inflation is kicking my butt.


It seems as though this schedule and the addition of medications has helped. I am happier on the phone and in person according to my friends. Even my Facebook friends have commented on it. I even call people and hold conversations on the phone, something that I HATED. I just call and jabber about nothing and some people actually welcome it which is cool. They’re not used to it, and neither am I.

I have been talking to my therapists about the change and they have noticed as well which is great, HOWEVER, that doesn’t mean I am cured. It also doesn’t mean that things can’t get to me. It just means that my treatment is an ongoing thing that I will deal with for the rest of my life. Remember that perfect storm I alluded to?

One of Us Was Going to Go

Monday, I took my medication as I always do in addition to my B12 and regular vitamins. My daughter and I went out to the bus. A car stopped for the yellow lights but the car behind it was itching to go anyway and laid on the horn.

I said “I don’t understand why people can’t wait for the bus. So impatient! Shit ain’t hard (I might have said the last part but I’m not sure)!” This woman decided to choose violence, rolled her window down, and said “Would you care to repeat that?” TRIGGER! Do not pick any fight with me. In MY mind, that was a challenge. I went over to the car (6 feet distance though because COVID), and I repeated myself. She proceeds to talk a bunch of shit and rolls up her window. She started fumbling around like she had something. My suicidal ideation made it so that I didn’t care if she shot me there, however, my homicidal ideation said, “Here’s your chance”. I keep something sharp on my key chain as most people, especially women, do.

She acted like she’s about to get out of the car but one of her passengers got out and closed her door. She was an older lady too which really gave me pause as to how she could be so careless. I stood there and I BEGGED that woman to get out the car and give me a reason. I LITERALLY wanted her to get out of the car so that I could go for the eye, ear, or carotid. I wasn’t going to just get shot. She was going to get something too. But I also had a feeling she was bluffing. However, my bipolar brain said that one of us was going to go and the chances of it being me were very slim with the amount of rage I have been holding in.

I was not afraid. This is a problem. I wasn’t thinking about my daughter seeing or anything. I was ready to be taken to that place that I went to many years ago when I blacked out.

Talked to the Therapist the Next Day
Photo by cottonbro studio on Pexels.com

It just so happened that I had a visit scheduled the next day but I alerted them already that I was ready for my appointment and didn’t need confirmation.

We had to discuss how I could have handled the situation. I still don’t think I was wrong. I feel as though she thought she was a bad ass until she saw me up close and I begged her to “give me a reason”. My therapist and I then talked about the outcome if I had murdered that woman and I don’t like the psych ward so I would likely hate jail and prison as well. We had to then focus on that as well. In addition to that, my daughter wouldn’t have life insurance money, I would lose my job, etc. You can’t murder someone and keep on like nothing happened, especially if done in front of so many witnesses.

One good thing I chose to take from this experience was that 15 years ago, something like this happened, and I did actually go to pull the woman out of the car to stomp her. She got her windows up and locked her doors though. In that case, I was stretching my pills out because I didn’t have my new health insurance yet.

Photo by RODNAE Productions on Pexels.com
In the End …

I might not be a practicing Jehovah’s Witness, but Jehovah was with me (or whatever God you believe in). He could have been there for me or for that woman, but I had one thing on my mind.

I texted my daughter, told her I was sorry and that I loved her. She said she loved me too. When she got home, she really didn’t know what had happened which is when her intellectual disability comes in handy. But we discussed how violence is not the way. She reminded me of that as well.

These are my raw thoughts. I disappointed myself by letting that woman take me out of character, but I still feel as though she really thought that challenging me was the thing to do. Court wouldn’t care about my triggers. My therapists and psychiatrist would have to testify that I don’t start fights (because I don’t) and stay away from people. But it wouldn’t help if I literally murdered that woman.

I had been complaining about those people speeding up and down the hill since before COVID actually. I even sent footage to a news station as well as the police. No response. At this point I can either take my child to school (and her classmate) which would take a bit of joy away from her OR I can continue to fight by going through the proper channels to get a light put at the end of the hill. If not for the kids, but for the fences that they have to keep replacing where people are driving so fast that they go into ditches or almost go into ditches. There is a graveyard of car emblems and fenders all over the place here.

I don’t want to be the spokesperson for anyone or anything but if I don’t step up, who will? It seems as though no one actually cares. Being a bipolar empath is hard. I am always thrust into situations like this; to advocate for others, and I hate it. I just go to three places: Starbucks, the gym, and Safeway. I don’t need more things to do or places to go. Either I need to move (can’t do that) or find the proper channels to go through to fix this. My daughter’s bus is one of the earlier buses. When her bus was later, I saw the kids almost getting hit on a daily basis. Now that there is a $200 ticket for it, it’s better but that only decreases the chance of a child getting hit.

Some weeks ago, a car careened through the stop sign when my daughter was supposed to be crossing the street in the afternoon. The driver was on the phone and didn’t seem to care. I hope that ticket makes them feel better about their life.

And as I type this, people are blowing their horns and cussing each other out. Ahhhh, the song of my people. Sad! We need a light. I guess I need to get on the ball.

%d bloggers like this: