Can I Be Single In Peace?

So many people have a problem with people being single. I like being single. At one point, I was actively looking for love because I had felt what I thought true love felt like for the first time (it occurred in my early 30s). I  subsequently had my heart broken but that man let me know that I had a heart and could love. I truly didn’t think I had a heart before I met that man. So I do thank him for unfreezing my heart.  However, finding love is extremely hard and sometimes we need to just let it come to us OR learn more about ourselves while letting it come to us.

I have two Facebook singles groups that focus on that and I always hear so many stories from males and females where people are always getting on them about  being single.  In 2017, I got my degree in Psychology and most of my papers were on one of the most important examples of relationships to everyone:  Our parents.

Parents are Your FIRST Example of Love and Relationships

How do you know how love looks?  By looking at your parents. Do you know who does NOT harass me about not being married?  My parents.  Why? Because thy have been married 46 years and their marriage isn’t ideal. I won’t put all their business out there but I will state that the number of years doesn’t equate success. Many people learn what they want or don’t want from their parents’ example.  I don’t want to be married because many of the marriages that I see are unhappy.  I don’t need that in my life.  I found that I am happiest alone.  I like making my own rules and doing my own thing. I might have a child, dog, and a cat but we all get to chill and just BE.  Society, however, likes to try to tell you that something is wrong with you if you are a certain age and unmarried, especially as a woman.

Sexuality Assumptions

I have had a few women in my group state that there parents or family likes to assume that they are gay because they aren’t married.  Isn’t that kind of weird though?  They don’t have a MAN  so that makes them gay but they also don’t have a WOMAN so what does that make them?  It just makes them single.  Some people need to mind their own business.

Relationships = Happiness

What society has taught a lot of us (especially women) is that we have to have someone to be happy. This is NOT true. I know of too many married women or women in relationships that are NOT happy. When some tell me what they’re going through, I truly shake my head and say “I can’t get married if I have to put up with that.”  And I’m not saying that all marriages and relationships are bad because I do know of a few marriages that are absolutely beautiful.  I also know that there are ups and downs in all relationships but there are some things that I can’t tolerate that end with my man being a corpse on Snapped.  I know my limitations and, unfortunately, some couples don’t respect or communicate with one another in an effective manner.  That is something that we can all work on while we are single.

Some of these women force themselves into relationships to be better than single women.  Usually the first insult that people attempt to give to a woman when she doesn’t say something that they don’t like is “That’s why you’re single.”  I have had many people say this to me.  So because I have a different opinion than you and you lack the skills to debate, I’m single?  Oh….okay.  It’s hard for people to understand that all people (especially women) don’t want to be in a relationship or married.  Honestly, if I just WANTED to be married or in a relationship, I could be in one.  However, I swat people away.  People approach me all the time.  If I were to put myself out there and try to find someone, I could have someone by now. I, however, want quality and I can’t say that there is a lot of quality in my demographic and I will not sit in a unhappy relationship to prove to society that I am good enough to “have a man”. I’ll let the other women handle that and learn from their journey.  I don’t need to touch fire to know it’s hot.

Not Lowering Your Standards

There are so many people out here that love to assume that women are “picky” and need to date outside of the box.  They assume that I haven’t dated outside of my box.  FALSE!  I have a preference physically and probably one or two guys that I dated were my physical preference.  I have dated felons, handicapped, short, fat, employed, unemployed, car, no car, you get my drift.  I tell people all the time that trash comes inside or outside of your box. You can’t guarantee an outcome just because you did something different.  People need to stop shaming people for having a preference.  Everyone should really focus on themselves but that’s a whole different topic.

One standard that I won’t change is who I choose to have sex with. That will pretty much KEEP a woman single in this world and I’m fine with that actually.  You see, I abstain from sex.  Yes, I have a daughter but that doesn’t mean that I’m chasing anything with a penis. No.  People can learn from their past. However, what really changed my view on sex was falling in love and making love. I don’t see a reason to have sex if there is no love involved. This view, however, is what makes men run which is funny.  You see, as long as there are women that are willing to have sex with them, they don’t need a woman that doesn’t want to have sex.  And that’s fine. That will likely keep me single unless I get lucky and find someone with those same thoughts but there aren’t many men out there with that mindset because they can literally get pussy ANYWHERE.  Why would you wait for what you can easily get somewhere else?  My sisters and I were talking about that and it’s kind of sad that people get ridiculed for being a virgin or abstaining from sex. There was a time when it was common but now people look at you as if you have two heads when you say you’re not having sex. And DON’T say you haven’t had sex in years; they will really look at you like you’re crazy.

What Now?

Just be single.  Learn about yourself. Do things alone.  Do things with your other single friends.  Listen to the advice of your married friends. Observe other relationships.  JUST BE.  There is nothing wrong with doing this.   We all have things that we need to work on as people and we’re always growing and learning. So grow and learn until someone comes along if that’s what you want.  Or just grow and learn because you want to.  Focus on you. Don’t compare yourself to your friends and family.  Ignore the mess that society tries to beat into your head about what you should have and  be doing at a certain age. BE HAPPY being free.  That’s the great thing about freedom; you can do what you want.  As long as you are not hurting anyone, it’s fine.

Women especially have it hard out here and many get depressed or force themselves into situations to silence others. The best way to silence these people is to ignore them and be happy.  I swear that doing your own thing will make you happier than by living by someone else’s rules.

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Adventures in Owning a Single’s Group on Facebook

Sometimes you do things in life and don’t really think them all the way through. I have done that often but this thing that I have done this time is probably the best example. I made a single’s group. Why did I do that?  Well, people do call me crazy BUT I really wanted a place where people could be looked at for their mind and personality and not just a ton  of selfies and sex talk. I didn’t know this would be such a foreign concept to so many people.  Want to know what I have to contend with just for attempting to help people?  Well, let’s get started.

People Don’t Read the Rules….Shoot, People Just DON’T READ!!!

I don’t think people know how to interact besides posting their pics and waiting for people to jump in their inbox because they are so beautiful/handsome.  So the concept of No Selfies (besides on a specified day and when you do your intro) is just the devil. OMG!  I have had people actually ARGUE with me on this rule.  I always let them know that there are TONS of groups where you can use your looks to get people but, in my group, we like to talk and get to know the PERSON.  There is no rule against people going to your PERSONAL page and looking at ALL your pics but my group isn’t where you do it.

I Get Hate Inboxes

Yup, that’s me.  I get all the hate mail.  I usually share them on Facebook and people wonder what in the world is going on with people.  I’ve had people come to my personal page with smart comments.  I had one girl go to all my my public posts on Facebook and make a comment. I had to block her.  But I get a lot of less than desirable inboxes.  They usually tell me I look like a man and think that it hurts my feelings. I have been telling my Facebook friends for YEARS that people say I look like a man when they get mad at me.  So when they say it, I get the best laugh.  If I look like one, that’s cool.  There are some gorgeous trans women out there that look better than CIS women (yes, I know the terminology because I am all for their rights).  Let’s look at some of the great things people have had to say to me:

 

I have a lot more which is sad in itself.  I got called a “nappy headed cunt”.  The word “cunt” always makes me laugh so there is never really nothing said that makes me sad. It just gets to be a tad bit annoying.  Someone sent an anonymous post to my page and I laughed.  Why? Because some people have that whole internet bravado.  I think I talked about my temper in another post here.  I learned how to use my words online so people calling me all kinds of names and the like makes me feel proud of myself because, if they said it in person, well….I know ME as a person.  I just had a guy about two days ago call me a hoodrat because he felt that men didn’t benefit from marriage and I stated in my OWN comment that a man benefits by having someone to take care of him. He said women don’t take care of men. I asked him what kind of “trash” he had dealt with which was more of an insult to the women that didn’t take care of him. THAT was in my 45 and up group.  Let’s find THAT conversation:

 

Now, before anyone assumes I was abusing my power, I wasn’t. The rules clearly state “no disrespect”.  He took a comment that truly wasn’t a slight toward him and went in even bringing my daughter into it.  You just don’t do that.  But these are the people that we need to see that are out there.  I could tell by a lot of his comments in his brief time in the group that SOMEONE had hurt him.  If you can get mad at a woman taking care of her man because you likely didn’t experience it, then you have some deep issues that need to be resolved. I knew he was hurt so his comments, again, did not offend me.

Another WRONG assumption people have about me is that I’m single and sad.  No, I’m single by choice.  Just because I have singles groups doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be single.  And why make fun of someone that is trying to help other people that WANT to find love find someone?  Oh, and when they call me dumb and hoodrats, that really makes me laugh. Now, I might have grown up in the hood and even still live in the hood but I am by no means a “hoodrat”.  And, if I am, I’m an educated one with a good job.  I have a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology and am a Senior Medical Coder that has the privilege of working from home.  So……yeah…..there’s that.  People miss the purpose of my groups and the purpose of my groups is to help people to find love and better themselves in the process. With that said, we don’t do a ton of pictures (or “pick me” posts) and we don’t talk about sex except on Saturdays.  Who dies from this?

Admin that Don’t Respect You

In my bigger group, I had a co owner.  The issue with that was that he didn’t respect me and thought that he MADE the group (carried the group).  However, getting bodies in a group is half the battle.  In the beginning, you have to keep the group up.  YOU have to be the one making the topics because the members are still trying to figure out what kind of group it is that they have been invited to. When we made the group, my goal was to help people to better themselves while looking for love in (and out) of the group. Things were going well until we had to do normal maintenance such as processing member requests.  We used to get a TON of member requests. Any time I talked about a subject with him in group chat, he would call me “boss”. I respectfully would ask that he not call me that yet he kept doing it.  And it wasn’t that he called me that but you knew he was saying it in a disrespectful manner because he had a problem with me asking him to do what he was supposed to do as an admin.  Even after continuously asking him not to, I snapped.  I archived the group. Was done.  If you can’t work with a team, then don’t make a group.

He was younger and immature. Yet he decided to test me and he just picked the wrong day.  It was pretty bad.  But then I found out that he had “plants” in the group. I think one of my hate mail pics showed that.  Fun times.  So he had people in the group to spy on it.  For what?  To see if we failed because he wasn’t in the group anymore?  Who knows but I found that to be very interesting.

Lurkers that Complain

Why come to a group, not be active, but then come in just to complain that they haven’t found someone in the group?  Wait!  What?  Yes, they come out of their little corner to come into the group to say “I haven’t found anyone yet.”  Why do you think that is?  Do you talk to people or do you just come out for the pictures?  Thanks to the search option on Facebook, admin (and members) have the ability to look at how active you are in a group.  You would be surprised how inactive people are but expect miracles. We cannot help  you if you don’t help yourself.  We have a few features that we made available to the members of the group.  One of them is Member of the Week where we highlight a member, letting them post their pics and an introduction about themselves and what they want.  It’s like pulling teeth to get people to volunteer. We also have a Tiny Chat video chat where members can go and actually talk to people (it gets rid of people claiming that people are Catfish).  The people that usually take advantage of these features don’t stay in the group long because they literally find their special someone in the group.

People Don’t Like DIFFERENT

My groups are DIFFERENT and that’s what makes them successful.  We focus on the person INSIDE.  There is more to us than our shell. People consider me to be a beautiful woman but, as another entry on here states, I’m not perfect and there is so much more to me than my looks.  We encourage our members to be observant and pay attention to what people are saying. It shines a light on their personality and then you can go from there.  Our active members are dropping like flies and there is a reason for that.  In less than 9 months, the original group has:  26 couples (that we know of) which includes one engaged couple and one MARRIED couple.  So if “different” isn’t good, I don’t know what to  tell people.  In the 45 and up group which is younger we have 1 or 2 couples. My new admin, David, is responsible for that.

People balk at how we do things in the group but one cannot say that this method doesn’t work.  It does or I would change it up.  We have files, vids, and rules but it all goes back to people NOT reading. They just don’t want to do anything for themselves. They want us to do everything for them.  Our files and rules are so direct and to the point but people still ask questions that are on them.  It really can annoy you.  There are times when I have to take a break because people are so lazy and ungrateful.  It can wear on you as a person.

When people complain and complain and complain, it is irksome. We used to always have people complain about the content in the group.  We constantly tell them that, if they want to see something, they have to DO something.  If you don’t want to see the same topics, make topics that you want to see.  Then we have those people that complain about topics on our theme days. That cracks me up. We have #seductivesaturday and #selfiesunday.  Just about every week, we had someone calling us all kinds of “whores” and “pervs”.  Why?  Because they didn’t READ THE RULES.  It got so bad that the members had to tell the people that complained to read the rules FOR ME. I really appreciate my admin, mods, and the members that are serious.  There was a shutdown when they got out of pocket.  I got so mad, I archived the group.  They can really test your patience. So please believe that making a group is not easy and will take a lot of time and persistence on your part.

Owning Groups is NOT Easy

The problem that I found that I have with my groups is that I care too much and would likely be better off working with smaller groups.  Unfortunately, I cannot turn back now as my  Singles group has over 5k people (it is decreasing as I am deleting lurkers), the 45 and up group has over 1k members, and then I have a few women’s groups that are more intimate. I don’t have any issues out of them.

Having a group is like a full time job sometimes but you have to really care about the people to endure it.  Seeing the couples come out of groups that are your brain child is beautiful and sometimes makes it all worth it…. sometimes.

 

I HAVE NO PHONE!!!!

I have always wondered what the world would have been like if we had always had phones.  I have often caught myself watching shows like Game of Thrones and Downton Abbey wondering how much faster things could have been solved if there were phones.  John Snow would’ve known that all his siblings were good. Arya would have known too instead of going from place to place.  Well, I now know what life is withOUT phones because I am naked and afraid without my phone. Here is my story (and it’s only just beginning):

I love music so much that I was upset when I figured out that there was something wrong with my audio jack. At first, I blamed my headphones and then I blamed my jack in my car when I only heard music coming from the left.  I finally figured out (on my own, thank you) that it was, in fact, the phone.  Crap, I need to change my review of the AUX cord that I had gotten off Amazon.  I blamed them and said that it stopped working after 3 mos.  My bad.  But I digress.

I took my stupid phone to Sprint thinking that I could drop it off for a few minutes and come back to my phone that I love so dearly but, alas, they didn’t have the part for it and had to send it out. Not only did they say they had to send it out; they had no loaner phone for me.  I PANICKED!  I had to weigh this very heavily in my mind. Go without your phone and get lost trying to find places or be stranded if your car breaks down OR hear your music out of all speakers and headphones when you go driving and walking (remember, I walk my dog with my great music a few times a day).  I had to go ahead and let them take the phone. No lie, I was so mad when I left Sprint that I walked out with the meanest look on my face. Unfortunately, I had a sun dress on and the dumb dudes decided to try their hand to talk to me even with the “I hate everyone right now” look I had on my face.I now regret it though.  Why?  *in my Spongebob pirate voice* Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Crappy Music on the Radio

Have you LISTENED to the trash they have on the radio now?  I literally rode home in silence and thought to myself because I refused to listen to the trash that is on the flippin radio.  I don’t listen to the radio.  I listen to Spotify.  MY playlists only.  I love real music. I love all kinds of music but the trash that is out now is saddening.  I appreciate music by the likes of Luther Vandross, Mint Condition, Aerosmith, ABBA, New Edition, Sting, etc.  I want to cry just typing those beautiful names of people with real talent. *sigh*

I Have to Stand in Line at Starbucks

I usually order my stuff from Starbucks, walk in there, pick it up, and bounce. Well, the app is on my phone.  That mesans I literally have to stand in line like the other people. I haven’t stood in line in Starbucks since they got the app to order online.  Like really?  I felt special and now I will be like everyone else again. AND I don’t now where I put my stupid gold card so that’s more stupidity.

FitBit Challenges, Water Intake, Weight UGH!!!

I’m in a really bitter challenge with a group of people that I have to fight with every single week so that I can get in the top 3 every week. These jerks seem to walk all day and all night. Some of them will probably be reading this.  I’m going to have to see if the computer I have has bluetooth so I can try to sync my Fitbit. Otherwise, it’s going to sit there until we all sync and the guy said I won’t get my phone for like 5 days.

I Guess I Will Have to Read More

I wait for my daughter to get off the bus and usually play Words with Friends.  Well, I have a tablet but it doesn’t have WiFi on it.  Well, now I have to read a book or something.  I do need to finish reading The Walking Dead Compendium 2 as well as all these flippin Game of Thrones books I have but still…..Not only that but now I have to sit on the toilet and think about life or something.

Waiting Will Just Be…..Waiting

I can’t wait in line and check my bank account or talk about what I just saw to my folks on Facebook. I can’t text my friends and check on them.  They can’t text me.  I mean, I like being alone and all but still.  Sometimes I like to talk about stuff. I will have to wait until I get to my computer to talk about stuff that pops up in my brain (and things are ALWAYS popping up in my brain).  My randomness will be quelled until I can get a phone.

I Have to Walk My Dog….In SILENCE!!!

I try to tune the world out when I walk my dog.  I like to be all excited to walk and stuff and walk fast but….no music.  I can charge up my little iTouch.  It has some great music on it so that might help.  YAY!!!

PICTURES AND VIDEOS….GONE!!!!

A lot of people love to see videos and pics of my daughter, dog, and cat.  I get a LOT of Instagram likes for those videos (no one cares about my pics and videos).  So, for the next 5 days, I won’t be able to record these great vids of the crazy folks that live with me.  And watch they do all the fun stuff and I’m just gonna be sitting there wishing that I could record it.

Calendars and Alarms

Come on, man!  All of my alarms are in that stupid phone.  I had to put them on my tablet.  But my calendars:  I think I have something that I was supposed to do next week and I don’t remember what time it was.  Shoot, even my Period Tracker is on the thing. I think I’m supposed to take my NuvaRing out on Saturday.  Well, it’s a good thing I don’t have sex anymore.  Shoot, the flippin thing even tells me when my period is supposed to come. I think it’s due soon. *falls out*  I have to take Gary to Petsmart tomorrow for grooming and now I have to give them my HOUSE phone to call me on.  This also means that I have to answer my house phone.  I NEVER ANSWER MY HOUSE PHONE!!!!

So What Good Comes from This?

Well, I guess that I will have more conversations with my daughter in the car although we have great conversations anyway that I sometimes record for my friends on Facebook because they LOVE to see my daughter.  I guess that I will read more because I will need something to pass the time when I wait for things.  I had planned to take my daughter to the National Harbor this weekend so I guess we will have more time to interact instead of me trying to take pics of her and all the fun we will have.  I will also drive less distracted.  Yes, sometimes I’m fiddling with my phone when I’m driving or sitting at a light.  That will work.  Thanks to Sprint, the world will be free of my distracted driving.  The funny thing is that I probably got the internet on my phone about 4 years ago.  All I had before was text. Oh well, back to those times. My feelings are hurt.  I kind of don’t want to leave the house because I don’t want something to happen and I won’t have a phone.  LOL  I know numbers by heart but come on, there are no pay phones around here anymore. What am I supposed to do?  Ask someone to borrow their phone?   Man, let me go walk this dog…….in SILENCE!!!!!

I’m Unemployed

Man, it sucks to be unemployed.  The days seem to go by a lot faster when you don’t work.  You tend to stress yourself out and let yourself go as well.  I was let go on Monday, July 6th.  I was called and offered a new job on Tuesday, July 7th.  Even still, I’m stressed out.  So what do you do when you lose a job?

HURRY UP AND GO TO THE DOCTOR

Yes, go to the doctor because your insurance is going to end.  My insurance will end on July 31, 2015.  I’m in great shape as is my daughter, however, I am on medications that I cannot miss.  This will be a problem.  I told all of my doctors what was going on and they know what’s up.  Some of them have helped me out as well.  All docs are not out there to get money. Some of them care about their patients thankfully.  I have a number of them and I love them for it. My daughter went to the dentist last Friday, goes to her annual next Friday, and will get her filling (one cavity) the following Friday.  It’s cutting it close but that was all I could get for her filling.

GET MORE INSURANCE

You don’t want to go without insurance.  I worked with insurance so I know this.  Things come up and you don’t want to be responsible for paying full price for services.  It’s the last thing you want to do.  Even if you get a plan with a high deductible, that’s fine because you still get the contract discount so GET INSURANCE.  I went on MD Health Connection and applied for all the insurance I could get.  I just got a premium response from Blue Choice.  I would have to pay a little over $200 for my plan.  I then had to get my daughter insurance.  I did hers through Medicaid (this is only temporary and hopefully she won’t need to go to the doctor any time during this two months that I won’t have employer insurance).  You can do this ALL through MD Health Connection (if you live in MD).  When it comes to kids, having Medicaid isn’t a bad thing.  As an adult, however, many providers don’t take it.  At least Kie can still go to Children’s Hospital providers.

FILE FOR UNEMPLOYMENT

This is the first thing you should do. I filed the day I lost my job.  I had to call and do it because I couldn’t do it online. Now I can because I forgot that I was unemployed about 7 years ago and had to use them before.  I let them know that I was discharged from my position and they told me that they would send me information.  I got that information on Friday.  I turned all requested information in to them (through the mail) on Monday.  I have every single note that I have regarding the discharge as well as my grievances with the manager that fired me.  They forget that they aren’t the only people that can write people up or record things. ALWAYS cover your butt when you KNOW something is about to go down.  I knew something was going to go down when I was sent home on Thursday, July 3rd.  I went and got all my things the next day.  I knew what was going to happen on Monday due to the fact that I already knew how petty the manager was.  The sad part is that the physicians (whose business it is) had NO clue of all the complaints that their staff had with the manager.  I had asked one of the physicians to have a meeting just with the staff so that they could tell them.  However, that never came to fruition.  One of the docs knew about how I felt that the new manager micromanaged to the point that she made things more difficult that truly didn’t need to be.  Another doc that left the practice saw how the manager listened to every single conversation I had with coworkers and on the phone. She always jumped in when people came to ask me questions.  Hence the reason I had started writing about this manager back in November of 2014.  She hadn’t even been there for a year before I had figured out the kind of person she was.  But it’s their mistake.  The manager had the gall to ask me “Is there anything you would like to turn over before you leave?”  My response “That’s your responsibility now.”  Why would I help you?  You had a great coder and biller.  EVERYONE knew that.  Even the people who no longer worked there knew that but I still was let go.  People say that this is a blessing in disguise and it is.  The new job that I have accepted starts 8/10/2015, pays more, and is remote.  I had declared on Facebook a few weeks ago that I was going to have a remote position by next year and I got it.

LOOK FOR JOBS

I was sent home on Thursday and that was the day I started looking (again) for a job. Why am I saying “again”?  Well, because I literally turned down THREE jobs to stay with my employer. THREE jobs out of loyalty.  I had been having problems with the manager and told one of the doctors that I was having problems with her.  I also let her know that I had gotten a job offer.  It’s not like they didn’t know.  The doctor actually spoke WITH the manager and the manager then spoke to me. She knew I had a problem with her.  So I started looking on Thursday, got calls and interviews that I went to on Monday and Tuesday but I had also taken a test on that Thursday for a remote position which I was called and told that I received.  I am waiting on the background check to finish and then the drug test.  I have no issues with my background or drugs but it’s still scary. I also had a great FORMER boss that has looked out for me.  I have been through FOUR managers at my previous employer.  Three out of four managers loved me.  What does that tell you about me?  If I had to start taking notes of my grievances with this last one…well….Please believe I didn’t want my former boss to go but she came upon a better opportunity. She talked to me before she took the position.  I couldn’t stop her from doing what she had to do.  I love her to death and she has actually referred me to two employment agencies who decided to represent me just off her word alone.

EAT

I stopped eating.  I weighed about 197 lbs but when I went to my doctor’s appointment, I found out I weighted 190.  I couldn’t eat and I only slept barely because of medication.  I was stressed out.  I’m a single mother and I get no support from my daughter’s father so it’s all on me.  I live with my parents and I didn’t want to let them down so I was truly stressing out.  My father told me that I can’t stress because it won’t help the situation.  It didn’t help the situation but I’m still stressed because I have at least one month of bills to pay with NO job.  This is a problem for me.  I was getting my credit in order and doing well.  This setback stresses me out.  Yes, I have money in the bank for emergencies but I just don’t want to use it.

STAY ON YOUR WORK SCHEDULE

Continue to stay on your work schedule.  Don’t just be going to sleep because you can.  Lord knows I could take a few naps but my anxiety won’t really let me.  I’m sleepy right now but I’ve been working on school work and just getting things in order for when I’m employed again. That’s all you can do.

In the end, losing your job SUCKS but don’t let it make you lazy, scare you, or make you dependent on others.  I will work at Staples or Kmart (again) if I have to. Times are hard and losing your job can seriously be a humbling experience.  I always tell people that God will humble you.  I’ve always been thankful for my job though because this definitely is NOT the first time I have been unemployed.  It was a part of my regular life before I found the job that I had for seven years.  No one wants to be unemployed but you have to keep fighting to make it so that you’re not unemployed.  I’m still fighting and still acting as if I don’t have a job.  I was offered a job but that background check and drug test still scare me (I have no issues in either area but still).  I will continue to look as if I have no job.  This, like most things, is just a test.  I plan on passing it as I have done in the past.  I know it won’t be easy but this is the reality for me.  Hopefully, I can get unemployment for this brief time that I am unemployed.  If not….well…that’s another battle for me to fight.

Being a Skinny, Black Girl in America

An overwhelming amount of women and men chose the BOTTOM pic. But what they had to say about it was SO disheartening and disrespectful that I had to blog about it as someone who has been on BOTH sides of the coin.

The picture that I have up is what prompted this blog.  I’ve been yelling about this for a long time but today I felt compelled to really talk to you guys about this.  Please note that I have ONLY picked being a skinny, BLACK girl in America because that was what I was at one point in my life. I will tell you how much I weigh at the end of the blog (so read it). LMAO!

Let’s Talk a Little About Me

Most of my life, I have been tall and skinny.  As an adult in my 30s, I’m still considered slim by many although the scale disagrees. Now, I’m sure everyone in their life has been made fun of or bullied for something and I’m not trying to diminish the plight of others by focusing on being slim but this is MY experience.  This is what it’s like to be a skinny (bony, bean pole, anorexic looking, one step from death, needing to eat a cheeseburger, needing to eat the WHOLE menu from the nearest fast food restaurant) Black woman in America.

Did you notice all those words I had in parentheses?  Those are just a SMALL number of words that have been used to describe ME, my sisters, models, or just random, skinny people. So I’m going to touch on a few things that people say but they truly have NO clue what they’re saying and how it impacts skinny women.  Many Black people feel that the bigger a woman is, the more attractive she is.  Oh, time for my FAVORITE QUOTE:

“BLACK MEN WANT A WOMAN WITH MEAT ON HER BONES/ONLY DOGS WANT BONES”

Ohhhhh yeahhhhhh!  This is the first one I usually hear and it’s really great to let us know that no man will ever want us because we’re slim.  Has nothing to do with our personality or how good of a person we are, it’s because we’re slim that we will always be single.  ALWAYS!  As if I felt that all men would want me because I was slim (we call it slim as being called “skinny” has such a negative connotation).  I understand that most people feel that society favors women for being slim and that they’re put on a pedestal but please don’t take it upon yourself to knock a slim person down because you feel it’s YOUR personal responsibility to do so.  As I stated before, EVERYONE has a struggle.  Your job is truly NOT to make their struggle worse.  Granted,there are some slim women that feel that they’re better than everyone else but that’s something personal that has nothing to do with ALL the slim women in the world.  Don’t take it upon yourself to balance the scales of justice because you feel that slim women are treated better than thicker women.  You have no clue.

“YOU NEED TO EAT A BURGER!”

Hmmmm…..my sisters and I ate like pigs on a daily basis.  I mean WE ATE!  No one knew where the food was going.  Somehow we were blessed with a high metabolism.  We didn’t gain weight.  We just didn’t.  Was there something wrong with us?  No?  We just didn’t gain weight.  So, at some point, I looked like the women in the Victoria’s Secret picture. THAT was me.  And, at 6′ feet, you could REALLY see it.  I was 6′ 135 lbs.  It got so bad, we were looking around trying to find ways to gain weight.  Why?  Because people CONSTANTLY shamed up for our body type that we couldn’t control.  Another person that had this problem was Buffy the Body.  She used to be skinny too.  She sought out ways to gain weight and now look at her.  Folks worship her butt.  *applause*  You can go on her page on YouTube and watch her talk about it.  It’s a shame that we get shamed to be what other people want.  A lot of people DON’T know that, just like women get FAT shamed, women get SKINNY shamed.  I mean, clearly there has to be SOMETHING wrong with us to be that slim.  They say we’re sick, they say we’re bulimic, they say we don’t eat enough. I guess I should apologize for my genes.  My bad.  My parents should be sued because they made slim kids. Let me get on that right away.

“YOU’RE SLIM, WHY ARE YOU IN THE GYM?”

*bangs head*  EVERYONE SHOULD EXERCISE!!! EVERYONE!!!!  It’s for your HEALTH!  It’s not just to lose weight, you flippin IDIOTS!!!  Let me tell you how much this impacted me:  I used to go running at Tucker Road and I would hear a woman (I will be nice and call her that.  I could describe what she looked like but it would be hypocritical to go on her the way she went on me) standing beside a tree with a fast food cup in her hand say “I don’t know why she’s running.  She needs to eat a burger.”  I mean, come on, man.  Just why?  Truth be told, she should’ve been running with me.  Instead of wondering why I was running (with my six pack and looking good, I might add), she should’ve said “Hey, let me come run with you.”  Why stand there and try to talk down about me because I choose to take care of my body?

I used to go to the gym and just try to work out at least three times a week.  You know how you can feel daggers of eyes shooting through you head?  Yup, I had that problem.  And don’t let one of those black men (that don’t like bones, mind you) come and attempt to help me.  That just made it worse.  When I saw bigger women at the gym, I gave them the thumbs up.  As a runner now, when I see bigger women running, I give them a thumbs up.  If I see a woman that just had a baby running, I’m giving you a thumbs up!  Why?  BECAUSE YOU MADE IT YOUR BUSINESS TO TAKE YOUR HEALTH INTO YOUR OWN HANDS!  We are all on the same team. Everything isn’t about a competition.  So stop trying to slight the next person to make yourself feel better.

I’ve had past coworkers stand and hold a whole conversation about my weight.  I’m serious.  I worked at a Radiology place briefly just after I had my daughter.  My coworkers stood around talking about how skinny I was and told me I should eat more.  I then countered with this “How would you like it if I told you that you needed to eat less and put down the burgers?  How would you feel if I said that?”  They shut up.  Why is anyone’s weight YOUR concern?

The irony of the Dove pic is that it’s just saying that you can be beautiful in any shape, size, or color.  It was NOT to perpetuate HATE for others.  It was saying that we are beautiful the way we are and we should all remember that.  So when the pic was posted and people answered that the Dove ad was better (I said that as well), they took it upon themselves to call the women “skinny bitches”, “sick”, “anorexic”, etc.  They also then proceed to state “facts” that most of the women were anorexic and starved themselves before the photo shoots.  How they knew this, I don’t know.  Sometimes we go by hearsay.  I never starved myself to be thin.  I was JUST thin.  Some of us are actually that skinny and use modeling to capitalize on something that we were made fun of most of our lives.

It was REALLY disheartening to me and I felt the need to stand up for these Victoria’s Secret models (whom I will never meet) because I have BEEN there.  But the same women that are running around making fun of skinny women and putting them down are the same ones complaining about women getting butt and boob implants.  People like you support self hate (and I’m not saying that all people that get cosmetic surgery hate themselves but some do).  If you’re shaming someone for being what you think is “too skinny” or shaming anyone for being “too fat”, maybe you should look in the mirror.  You’ve just made yourself something worse than too skinny or too fat.  You’ve made yourself UGLY.  You’re an ugly person to be such a negative person to someone that you know NOTHING about.  It’s okay to be a BBW but don’t be disrespectful of the women that aren’t.  It’s okay to have a preference, but you don’t have to step on others when you reveal your preference.  Have your preference and leave it at that.

I was in a group that was called Thick Women and the Men that Love Them (or something) and they spent ALL of their days talking shit about skinny women.  EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!!  And I’m not even exaggerating.  I finally left the group after pointing this out.  I have been on both sides of the coin.  I didn’t actually gain weight until the age of 31 after I got OFF birth control. I now weigh more than I weighed pregnant (152 lbs before pregnancy, 172 during pregnancy, and 148 after pregnancy).  I am close to 190 now so I have been on both sides of the coin and can be objective.  I’ve been that girl that everyone wanted to pick with or fight because she was skinny and they thought they would win.  I have been that girl that was overlooked because she was tall and skinny.  No one wants to feel less than.  So let’s do everyone a favor and accept one another for who they are.  If they are truly NOT unhealthy or dying to be a certain way, please let them live.  Let’s try to uplift rather than tear down.  It might make your life a little better.

Getting Over a Break Up the ‘Mad Woman’s’ Way

DISCLAIMER (OFF THE BAT):  DO NOT GO AND DO ANY OF THIS AND THEN GO TO THE POLICE WHEN YOU’RE ON SNAPPED AND SAY I GAVE YOU THE IDEA.  I DID NOT!!!!

Ahem, now let’s discuss break ups.  It feels as if I had a break up after three years on and off with a man that I was interested in.  I was the only one interested in anything but that was my fault.  Anyhow, I gained a brain this week and told him that I was done playing games and that I knew he didn’t want a relationship with me.

They say that when you end a relationship (or whatever it is that we had because, according to his definition, we weren’t dating although we spent every weekend together for the past 4 or so months THIS year and had dealt with one another three years on and off) you’re supposed to grieve as if someone has died.  So here are the steps for dealing with a break up the Mad Woman way:

SCREAM AND CRY

Look, this is a hard time.  It’s a time when you really are just mad at the world.  You start crying and throwing things because you can.  You can. And it’s alright to scream and cry.  You have every reason.  Think about all the time you wasted on this dude.  Yea, you wasted it because it didn’t pan out to anything.  You could’ve been on POF or OK Cupid talking to another dude.  You could’ve been doing some productive shit but you gave all your time and attention to this dude that didn’t even want you for the long haul. He was just playing.  Sucks don’t it? Sometimes screaming and crying to songs that let you scream and cry are good things.  Here’s a list:

1) Caught Out There – Kelis

2) If You Think You’re Lonely Now – K Ci

3) Alone – Dru Hill (OMG, PLEASE listen to this song if you don’t know it.  It’s GREAT!)

4) A Cappella – Karmin

5) Fuck You – Cee Lo Green

6) I Just Don’t Give a Fuck – Eminem

You usually can do a lot of cussing and yelling when you’re hurt.  If you’re hurt at the demise of your relationship, well, this is the perfect time to curse, scream and cry.  Let it out.  It’s best to do it this way or you might find your way to his house to puncture his tires, key his car, kill his dog, pour gasoline on him and light him up, etc.  And we don’t want this.

GET RID OF EVERYTHING HE GAVE YOU AND DEMAND BACK EVERYTHING YOU GAVE HIM

Now this can be good or bad.  If you let him keep the things that you gave to him, he can use them to get you back. Yes, men like to play games to get you back.  I have an ex who still has my lingerie at his house.  Every once in a while, he calls and says “You gonna come and get your stuff?”  No, I’m not going to come and get my stuff because that means I would have to see you and I don’t want to see you.  If you have ANYTHING of his, give it back to him.  Just give it to him.  You don’t want memories.  I had a book from the guy that just kicked me to the curb.  Last weekend (because I knew where this was going), I gave him his book back.  I put it right in his book shelf.  I didn’t want to have any ties to him because I knew what was coming.  No ties.  He still has a pair of my underwear though. Just the panties. It was part of a set.  I asked him for it back.  I asked him to mail them to me.  I doubt I’ll get them but I will be happy if I do.

The really smart thing to do is to plan your break up exit plan in advance.  Had I really planned, I could’ve gotten those damn panties back. They weren’t cheap, man.  I started wearing more lingerie for him because he liked to see me in them and liked peeling me out of them.  Yeah, I’m still kind of bitter about this but it has only been a week and he told me that he would send them.  LOL

TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT HIM SO THEY CAN TELL YOU ABOUT HOW THEY HATED HIM THE WHOLE TIME

I don’t have many friends BUT the friends that I do have know the whole story about this guy.  They actually were telling me to leave him alone for a while.  But I was in love and love makes you stupid sometimes.  So I’ll own that I was stupid. I told my few friends about the demise of the “relationship” and they reminded me that I shouldn’t have gotten back with this idiot in the first place.  I respect them for keeping their comments to themselves when we were “together” and now I am ready to hear the barrage of truth that comes from their lips.  Look, sometimes your friends try to tell you things and you don’t want to hear it.  NOW is the time to listen.  These very same friends will be the ones that you can call or text when you feel like calling or texting him.  Because you know you’re going to want to. You’re either going to want to to let him know how much you hate, love, are obsessed with him, etc OR you’re going to do something stupid. Don’t do anything stupid.  Your friends won’t let you.  So tell them about the break up and let them comfort you in your time of need.  That’s what friends are for.

I actually had to utilize my friends recently because I wanted to text ole boy and ask him why he couldn’t just lov me.  I was going to plead with him and beg him to choose me over the exes that he found to be more important than me.  I, however, went on Facebook and told my girlfriends that I really wanted to text him and was not “DON’T DO IT!”  You have to have these people behind you or you’ll make an utter and complete fool of yourself.  And NO ONE wants to look like a fool.

IGNORE YOUR FRIENDS AND TEXT OR CALL HIM ANYWAY

So my friends told me not to text him and I texted him anyway. LMAO!  And OMG, I texted him during Scandal, my favorite show EVER.  This is the time when you are weak and/or sometimes drunk. I wasn’t drunk though so there’s no reason I can give for sending that damn text.  But I did.  I did. And I admit it.  I sent the text trying to figure out how he could do me that way.  LOL  We got into an argument and then I came out of it smiling.  I smiled because it further proved that it was best for me to leave him alone. Sometimes you need that last gut kick to finish you off and understand that you weren’t thinking when you got with this man.  Something took over your brain and shut it off. It allowed you to be docile while someone took your heart and stomped it into the ground.

CRY SOME MORE

Soon, everything will remind you of him.  If you see a Playstation commercial, you might just bust out crying because the fool used to play games on it.  Going to IHOP might make you cry because you used to go every Sunday with him.  Maybe dogs will make you cry because he had a dog.  And don’t have a child because your child will start asking about him.  I had to tell my daughter that my friend wouldn’t be around anymore. This is why you usually don’t bring men around your children but I knew this man for three years.  You’ll start to wonder what he’s doing and if he’s even thinking about you. He likely isn’t. He’s probably playing the game that you purchased for him with some new broad that he left you for while you’re sitting around crying about it. He might even be putting your panties on a new woman.  Ew right?  You never know with these dudes.  LOL

GET OVER IT

This is not the end of the world.  The best thing you can do at this point is LEARN from this relationship, re evaluate yourself, and get over it.  Your next potential relationship depends on it.  In order to better in the future, you have to learn from the past. Just make sure not to repeat the same mistakes.  You will find yourself back in this situation and who wants to go through these steps?  It’s not fun.  When you cry, you lose weight and start to look all ugly and stuff.  You stop eating.  No one wants to do all that.  Don’t let anyone make you into a crybaby zombie. No one wants a crybaby zombie.

Pick yourself up off the floor, look in the mirror, and say “Look at me! What IDIOT would treat me less than?”  Then look at his old pics and laugh.  LAUGH at him.  He should be LUCKY to have someone as FINE and FUN as you.  Then you have to delete delete delete!!!!!

DELETE DELETE DELETE!!!!!!

If you were friends with him on Facebook, DELETE!!!!  If you have his number in your phone, DELETE!!!!  If you have his email address, DELETE!!!!  You don’t need a means to get into contact with him because he’s not worth your time.  Hell, delete AND block him while you’re at it.  I deleted and blocked the idiot on Facebook because I know he likes to look at my pics. You don’t get that privilege anymore sir.  You’re BLOCKED!  I’m sure he has plenty of pics of me in his phone and I wish I had some kind of friend like Nolan from Revenge to hack his phone and delete everything but I don’t. So I’ll live with the thought that that idiot that didn’t want me is jerking off to pics of me in his phone or iPad.  Oh well, I know he’ll never forget me. LOL  I guess that’s something to take solace in.

In the end, the demise of any relationship is not usually one sided.  You have to take responsibility for your role in the demise of any relationship that ends.  Two people are in the relationship, not just you and not just him.  Once you understand this fact, you can grow in learning how to move on and to pursue something with someone else.  Maybe you’ll see the signs better next time.  Maybe you’ll put more effort into the next man.  Maybe you’ll learn more about your partner to prevent this from happening again. But, there’s really no way to KNOW that a relationship will last or not as you cannot control both parties in a relationship.  You can only control yourself.

Love is a tricky beast that many have tried to tame.  Some win and some lose.  Until then, take some time out for yourself. Take up a new hobby.  Have fun with your friends (that you likely forgot while you were in your relationship). You might notice that relationships aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.  Time alone is part of the healing and there’s NOTHING wrong with being alone.

Being the Relationship Practice Dummy

Oh please, many of us have been that.  What is it you might ask?  Well, it’s the person that a piece of crap uses before meeting someone that they decide to treat with some sense.  Let me make it easier to understand because I just confused myself with that explanation:

Let’s say there’s a guy that’s a total piece of shit to a woman (no, this is not relegated to sex because there are some piece of shit women out there too).  He gets with a woman on and off.  He treats her like crap in all those instances until he finally gets tired of her and finds someone that he thinks is worth something (or the woman gets tired of being used and he learns too late that he loves her).  This man, in turn, finds a new woman and tries to do right by her because he learned that what he was doing wasn’t right OR he gains a heart.  It’s kind of like a guy having a whole stack of children by numerous women and being a deadbeat but finally marrying one and treating that child as if they are the only child in the world. 

I think you guys get my drift.  Now, back to what I was saying:  There are many of us out there that have been the dummy.  We were there during the “growing phase” of some man or woman.  We’re the ones that have been stolen from, abused, and treated like shit.  Then, some years later, you look up and you see wedding pics on Facebook of the new lovers together.  You laugh to yourself and say “Well, we’ll see how long that lasts” and, much to your chagrin, they last.  Now you could be bitter about this but why be bitter?  Everyone learns at their own pace. I’m sure none of us were perfect in our first relationship. I’m sure we’ve all used someone or someones as a dummy.  We’ve all been there.  And if you say you haven’t then I’m going to call you a liar because, as I’ve said in a previous rant, no one is born knowing what to do in a relationship.  We all have to learn, sometimes the hard way. 

Technically, I learned what NOT to do in a relationship with my ex fiance.  But I still have nothing to show for it.  LOL  But, sometimes you have to blame yourself for those circumstances. Relationship Karma of sorts.  When you do people dirty, dirty things can happen to you.  At some point, you have to accept that fate and hope that the tide will turn while you still have eggs to fertilize and/or all your teeth. 

And why wouldn’t there be practice dummies in relationships?  Relationships are like games to people.  People try to run love marathons but some of us don’t have the stamina to finish it out.  Some of us give up right near the finish line because we get so tired of waiting and feeling as though we’re the only ones in the relationship.  And then, what do you really get when you finish the race?  Maybe a ring.  But, even after all that fighting and training to get that ring, you STILL have to fight.  You will will have to fight inside and outside adversaries.  Nothing worth having is easy to obtain. Well, that’s what they keep telling me. 

I swear I just went all over the place with this one.  I usually do though.  I can’t stick to one subject.  Bottom line:  Try not to be that relationship test dummy for long.  It can break your spirit when it comes to running your own marathon.  I have been a test dummy.  It has honestly made me kind of sick of the game.  There’s but only so many hits you can take before you give up in that game.  To those that have completed the marathon and are relishing your trophies, I salute you.  You’re better than me though.  I have other stuff to do….like…um…watch Netflix…wait for Scandal to come back…and Sons of Anarchy comes on on Tuesday….yeah….I like that stuff.