I HAVE NO PHONE!!!!

I have always wondered what the world would have been like if we had always had phones.  I have often caught myself watching shows like Game of Thrones and Downton Abbey wondering how much faster things could have been solved if there were phones.  John Snow would’ve known that all his siblings were good. Arya would have known too instead of going from place to place.  Well, I now know what life is withOUT phones because I am naked and afraid without my phone. Here is my story (and it’s only just beginning):

I love music so much that I was upset when I figured out that there was something wrong with my audio jack. At first, I blamed my headphones and then I blamed my jack in my car when I only heard music coming from the left.  I finally figured out (on my own, thank you) that it was, in fact, the phone.  Crap, I need to change my review of the AUX cord that I had gotten off Amazon.  I blamed them and said that it stopped working after 3 mos.  My bad.  But I digress.

I took my stupid phone to Sprint thinking that I could drop it off for a few minutes and come back to my phone that I love so dearly but, alas, they didn’t have the part for it and had to send it out. Not only did they say they had to send it out; they had no loaner phone for me.  I PANICKED!  I had to weigh this very heavily in my mind. Go without your phone and get lost trying to find places or be stranded if your car breaks down OR hear your music out of all speakers and headphones when you go driving and walking (remember, I walk my dog with my great music a few times a day).  I had to go ahead and let them take the phone. No lie, I was so mad when I left Sprint that I walked out with the meanest look on my face. Unfortunately, I had a sun dress on and the dumb dudes decided to try their hand to talk to me even with the “I hate everyone right now” look I had on my face.I now regret it though.  Why?  *in my Spongebob pirate voice* Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Crappy Music on the Radio

Have you LISTENED to the trash they have on the radio now?  I literally rode home in silence and thought to myself because I refused to listen to the trash that is on the flippin radio.  I don’t listen to the radio.  I listen to Spotify.  MY playlists only.  I love real music. I love all kinds of music but the trash that is out now is saddening.  I appreciate music by the likes of Luther Vandross, Mint Condition, Aerosmith, ABBA, New Edition, Sting, etc.  I want to cry just typing those beautiful names of people with real talent. *sigh*

I Have to Stand in Line at Starbucks

I usually order my stuff from Starbucks, walk in there, pick it up, and bounce. Well, the app is on my phone.  That mesans I literally have to stand in line like the other people. I haven’t stood in line in Starbucks since they got the app to order online.  Like really?  I felt special and now I will be like everyone else again. AND I don’t now where I put my stupid gold card so that’s more stupidity.

FitBit Challenges, Water Intake, Weight UGH!!!

I’m in a really bitter challenge with a group of people that I have to fight with every single week so that I can get in the top 3 every week. These jerks seem to walk all day and all night. Some of them will probably be reading this.  I’m going to have to see if the computer I have has bluetooth so I can try to sync my Fitbit. Otherwise, it’s going to sit there until we all sync and the guy said I won’t get my phone for like 5 days.

I Guess I Will Have to Read More

I wait for my daughter to get off the bus and usually play Words with Friends.  Well, I have a tablet but it doesn’t have WiFi on it.  Well, now I have to read a book or something.  I do need to finish reading The Walking Dead Compendium 2 as well as all these flippin Game of Thrones books I have but still…..Not only that but now I have to sit on the toilet and think about life or something.

Waiting Will Just Be…..Waiting

I can’t wait in line and check my bank account or talk about what I just saw to my folks on Facebook. I can’t text my friends and check on them.  They can’t text me.  I mean, I like being alone and all but still.  Sometimes I like to talk about stuff. I will have to wait until I get to my computer to talk about stuff that pops up in my brain (and things are ALWAYS popping up in my brain).  My randomness will be quelled until I can get a phone.

I Have to Walk My Dog….In SILENCE!!!

I try to tune the world out when I walk my dog.  I like to be all excited to walk and stuff and walk fast but….no music.  I can charge up my little iTouch.  It has some great music on it so that might help.  YAY!!!

PICTURES AND VIDEOS….GONE!!!!

A lot of people love to see videos and pics of my daughter, dog, and cat.  I get a LOT of Instagram likes for those videos (no one cares about my pics and videos).  So, for the next 5 days, I won’t be able to record these great vids of the crazy folks that live with me.  And watch they do all the fun stuff and I’m just gonna be sitting there wishing that I could record it.

Calendars and Alarms

Come on, man!  All of my alarms are in that stupid phone.  I had to put them on my tablet.  But my calendars:  I think I have something that I was supposed to do next week and I don’t remember what time it was.  Shoot, even my Period Tracker is on the thing. I think I’m supposed to take my NuvaRing out on Saturday.  Well, it’s a good thing I don’t have sex anymore.  Shoot, the flippin thing even tells me when my period is supposed to come. I think it’s due soon. *falls out*  I have to take Gary to Petsmart tomorrow for grooming and now I have to give them my HOUSE phone to call me on.  This also means that I have to answer my house phone.  I NEVER ANSWER MY HOUSE PHONE!!!!

So What Good Comes from This?

Well, I guess that I will have more conversations with my daughter in the car although we have great conversations anyway that I sometimes record for my friends on Facebook because they LOVE to see my daughter.  I guess that I will read more because I will need something to pass the time when I wait for things.  I had planned to take my daughter to the National Harbor this weekend so I guess we will have more time to interact instead of me trying to take pics of her and all the fun we will have.  I will also drive less distracted.  Yes, sometimes I’m fiddling with my phone when I’m driving or sitting at a light.  That will work.  Thanks to Sprint, the world will be free of my distracted driving.  The funny thing is that I probably got the internet on my phone about 4 years ago.  All I had before was text. Oh well, back to those times. My feelings are hurt.  I kind of don’t want to leave the house because I don’t want something to happen and I won’t have a phone.  LOL  I know numbers by heart but come on, there are no pay phones around here anymore. What am I supposed to do?  Ask someone to borrow their phone?   Man, let me go walk this dog…….in SILENCE!!!!!

I’m Unemployed

Man, it sucks to be unemployed.  The days seem to go by a lot faster when you don’t work.  You tend to stress yourself out and let yourself go as well.  I was let go on Monday, July 6th.  I was called and offered a new job on Tuesday, July 7th.  Even still, I’m stressed out.  So what do you do when you lose a job?

HURRY UP AND GO TO THE DOCTOR

Yes, go to the doctor because your insurance is going to end.  My insurance will end on July 31, 2015.  I’m in great shape as is my daughter, however, I am on medications that I cannot miss.  This will be a problem.  I told all of my doctors what was going on and they know what’s up.  Some of them have helped me out as well.  All docs are not out there to get money. Some of them care about their patients thankfully.  I have a number of them and I love them for it. My daughter went to the dentist last Friday, goes to her annual next Friday, and will get her filling (one cavity) the following Friday.  It’s cutting it close but that was all I could get for her filling.

GET MORE INSURANCE

You don’t want to go without insurance.  I worked with insurance so I know this.  Things come up and you don’t want to be responsible for paying full price for services.  It’s the last thing you want to do.  Even if you get a plan with a high deductible, that’s fine because you still get the contract discount so GET INSURANCE.  I went on MD Health Connection and applied for all the insurance I could get.  I just got a premium response from Blue Choice.  I would have to pay a little over $200 for my plan.  I then had to get my daughter insurance.  I did hers through Medicaid (this is only temporary and hopefully she won’t need to go to the doctor any time during this two months that I won’t have employer insurance).  You can do this ALL through MD Health Connection (if you live in MD).  When it comes to kids, having Medicaid isn’t a bad thing.  As an adult, however, many providers don’t take it.  At least Kie can still go to Children’s Hospital providers.

FILE FOR UNEMPLOYMENT

This is the first thing you should do. I filed the day I lost my job.  I had to call and do it because I couldn’t do it online. Now I can because I forgot that I was unemployed about 7 years ago and had to use them before.  I let them know that I was discharged from my position and they told me that they would send me information.  I got that information on Friday.  I turned all requested information in to them (through the mail) on Monday.  I have every single note that I have regarding the discharge as well as my grievances with the manager that fired me.  They forget that they aren’t the only people that can write people up or record things. ALWAYS cover your butt when you KNOW something is about to go down.  I knew something was going to go down when I was sent home on Thursday, July 3rd.  I went and got all my things the next day.  I knew what was going to happen on Monday due to the fact that I already knew how petty the manager was.  The sad part is that the physicians (whose business it is) had NO clue of all the complaints that their staff had with the manager.  I had asked one of the physicians to have a meeting just with the staff so that they could tell them.  However, that never came to fruition.  One of the docs knew about how I felt that the new manager micromanaged to the point that she made things more difficult that truly didn’t need to be.  Another doc that left the practice saw how the manager listened to every single conversation I had with coworkers and on the phone. She always jumped in when people came to ask me questions.  Hence the reason I had started writing about this manager back in November of 2014.  She hadn’t even been there for a year before I had figured out the kind of person she was.  But it’s their mistake.  The manager had the gall to ask me “Is there anything you would like to turn over before you leave?”  My response “That’s your responsibility now.”  Why would I help you?  You had a great coder and biller.  EVERYONE knew that.  Even the people who no longer worked there knew that but I still was let go.  People say that this is a blessing in disguise and it is.  The new job that I have accepted starts 8/10/2015, pays more, and is remote.  I had declared on Facebook a few weeks ago that I was going to have a remote position by next year and I got it.

LOOK FOR JOBS

I was sent home on Thursday and that was the day I started looking (again) for a job. Why am I saying “again”?  Well, because I literally turned down THREE jobs to stay with my employer. THREE jobs out of loyalty.  I had been having problems with the manager and told one of the doctors that I was having problems with her.  I also let her know that I had gotten a job offer.  It’s not like they didn’t know.  The doctor actually spoke WITH the manager and the manager then spoke to me. She knew I had a problem with her.  So I started looking on Thursday, got calls and interviews that I went to on Monday and Tuesday but I had also taken a test on that Thursday for a remote position which I was called and told that I received.  I am waiting on the background check to finish and then the drug test.  I have no issues with my background or drugs but it’s still scary. I also had a great FORMER boss that has looked out for me.  I have been through FOUR managers at my previous employer.  Three out of four managers loved me.  What does that tell you about me?  If I had to start taking notes of my grievances with this last one…well….Please believe I didn’t want my former boss to go but she came upon a better opportunity. She talked to me before she took the position.  I couldn’t stop her from doing what she had to do.  I love her to death and she has actually referred me to two employment agencies who decided to represent me just off her word alone.

EAT

I stopped eating.  I weighed about 197 lbs but when I went to my doctor’s appointment, I found out I weighted 190.  I couldn’t eat and I only slept barely because of medication.  I was stressed out.  I’m a single mother and I get no support from my daughter’s father so it’s all on me.  I live with my parents and I didn’t want to let them down so I was truly stressing out.  My father told me that I can’t stress because it won’t help the situation.  It didn’t help the situation but I’m still stressed because I have at least one month of bills to pay with NO job.  This is a problem for me.  I was getting my credit in order and doing well.  This setback stresses me out.  Yes, I have money in the bank for emergencies but I just don’t want to use it.

STAY ON YOUR WORK SCHEDULE

Continue to stay on your work schedule.  Don’t just be going to sleep because you can.  Lord knows I could take a few naps but my anxiety won’t really let me.  I’m sleepy right now but I’ve been working on school work and just getting things in order for when I’m employed again. That’s all you can do.

In the end, losing your job SUCKS but don’t let it make you lazy, scare you, or make you dependent on others.  I will work at Staples or Kmart (again) if I have to. Times are hard and losing your job can seriously be a humbling experience.  I always tell people that God will humble you.  I’ve always been thankful for my job though because this definitely is NOT the first time I have been unemployed.  It was a part of my regular life before I found the job that I had for seven years.  No one wants to be unemployed but you have to keep fighting to make it so that you’re not unemployed.  I’m still fighting and still acting as if I don’t have a job.  I was offered a job but that background check and drug test still scare me (I have no issues in either area but still).  I will continue to look as if I have no job.  This, like most things, is just a test.  I plan on passing it as I have done in the past.  I know it won’t be easy but this is the reality for me.  Hopefully, I can get unemployment for this brief time that I am unemployed.  If not….well…that’s another battle for me to fight.

Being a Skinny, Black Girl in America

An overwhelming amount of women and men chose the BOTTOM pic. But what they had to say about it was SO disheartening and disrespectful that I had to blog about it as someone who has been on BOTH sides of the coin.

The picture that I have up is what prompted this blog.  I’ve been yelling about this for a long time but today I felt compelled to really talk to you guys about this.  Please note that I have ONLY picked being a skinny, BLACK girl in America because that was what I was at one point in my life. I will tell you how much I weigh at the end of the blog (so read it). LMAO!

Let’s Talk a Little About Me

Most of my life, I have been tall and skinny.  As an adult in my 30s, I’m still considered slim by many although the scale disagrees. Now, I’m sure everyone in their life has been made fun of or bullied for something and I’m not trying to diminish the plight of others by focusing on being slim but this is MY experience.  This is what it’s like to be a skinny (bony, bean pole, anorexic looking, one step from death, needing to eat a cheeseburger, needing to eat the WHOLE menu from the nearest fast food restaurant) Black woman in America.

Did you notice all those words I had in parentheses?  Those are just a SMALL number of words that have been used to describe ME, my sisters, models, or just random, skinny people. So I’m going to touch on a few things that people say but they truly have NO clue what they’re saying and how it impacts skinny women.  Many Black people feel that the bigger a woman is, the more attractive she is.  Oh, time for my FAVORITE QUOTE:

“BLACK MEN WANT A WOMAN WITH MEAT ON HER BONES/ONLY DOGS WANT BONES”

Ohhhhh yeahhhhhh!  This is the first one I usually hear and it’s really great to let us know that no man will ever want us because we’re slim.  Has nothing to do with our personality or how good of a person we are, it’s because we’re slim that we will always be single.  ALWAYS!  As if I felt that all men would want me because I was slim (we call it slim as being called “skinny” has such a negative connotation).  I understand that most people feel that society favors women for being slim and that they’re put on a pedestal but please don’t take it upon yourself to knock a slim person down because you feel it’s YOUR personal responsibility to do so.  As I stated before, EVERYONE has a struggle.  Your job is truly NOT to make their struggle worse.  Granted,there are some slim women that feel that they’re better than everyone else but that’s something personal that has nothing to do with ALL the slim women in the world.  Don’t take it upon yourself to balance the scales of justice because you feel that slim women are treated better than thicker women.  You have no clue.

“YOU NEED TO EAT A BURGER!”

Hmmmm…..my sisters and I ate like pigs on a daily basis.  I mean WE ATE!  No one knew where the food was going.  Somehow we were blessed with a high metabolism.  We didn’t gain weight.  We just didn’t.  Was there something wrong with us?  No?  We just didn’t gain weight.  So, at some point, I looked like the women in the Victoria’s Secret picture. THAT was me.  And, at 6′ feet, you could REALLY see it.  I was 6′ 135 lbs.  It got so bad, we were looking around trying to find ways to gain weight.  Why?  Because people CONSTANTLY shamed up for our body type that we couldn’t control.  Another person that had this problem was Buffy the Body.  She used to be skinny too.  She sought out ways to gain weight and now look at her.  Folks worship her butt.  *applause*  You can go on her page on YouTube and watch her talk about it.  It’s a shame that we get shamed to be what other people want.  A lot of people DON’T know that, just like women get FAT shamed, women get SKINNY shamed.  I mean, clearly there has to be SOMETHING wrong with us to be that slim.  They say we’re sick, they say we’re bulimic, they say we don’t eat enough. I guess I should apologize for my genes.  My bad.  My parents should be sued because they made slim kids. Let me get on that right away.

“YOU’RE SLIM, WHY ARE YOU IN THE GYM?”

*bangs head*  EVERYONE SHOULD EXERCISE!!! EVERYONE!!!!  It’s for your HEALTH!  It’s not just to lose weight, you flippin IDIOTS!!!  Let me tell you how much this impacted me:  I used to go running at Tucker Road and I would hear a woman (I will be nice and call her that.  I could describe what she looked like but it would be hypocritical to go on her the way she went on me) standing beside a tree with a fast food cup in her hand say “I don’t know why she’s running.  She needs to eat a burger.”  I mean, come on, man.  Just why?  Truth be told, she should’ve been running with me.  Instead of wondering why I was running (with my six pack and looking good, I might add), she should’ve said “Hey, let me come run with you.”  Why stand there and try to talk down about me because I choose to take care of my body?

I used to go to the gym and just try to work out at least three times a week.  You know how you can feel daggers of eyes shooting through you head?  Yup, I had that problem.  And don’t let one of those black men (that don’t like bones, mind you) come and attempt to help me.  That just made it worse.  When I saw bigger women at the gym, I gave them the thumbs up.  As a runner now, when I see bigger women running, I give them a thumbs up.  If I see a woman that just had a baby running, I’m giving you a thumbs up!  Why?  BECAUSE YOU MADE IT YOUR BUSINESS TO TAKE YOUR HEALTH INTO YOUR OWN HANDS!  We are all on the same team. Everything isn’t about a competition.  So stop trying to slight the next person to make yourself feel better.

I’ve had past coworkers stand and hold a whole conversation about my weight.  I’m serious.  I worked at a Radiology place briefly just after I had my daughter.  My coworkers stood around talking about how skinny I was and told me I should eat more.  I then countered with this “How would you like it if I told you that you needed to eat less and put down the burgers?  How would you feel if I said that?”  They shut up.  Why is anyone’s weight YOUR concern?

The irony of the Dove pic is that it’s just saying that you can be beautiful in any shape, size, or color.  It was NOT to perpetuate HATE for others.  It was saying that we are beautiful the way we are and we should all remember that.  So when the pic was posted and people answered that the Dove ad was better (I said that as well), they took it upon themselves to call the women “skinny bitches”, “sick”, “anorexic”, etc.  They also then proceed to state “facts” that most of the women were anorexic and starved themselves before the photo shoots.  How they knew this, I don’t know.  Sometimes we go by hearsay.  I never starved myself to be thin.  I was JUST thin.  Some of us are actually that skinny and use modeling to capitalize on something that we were made fun of most of our lives.

It was REALLY disheartening to me and I felt the need to stand up for these Victoria’s Secret models (whom I will never meet) because I have BEEN there.  But the same women that are running around making fun of skinny women and putting them down are the same ones complaining about women getting butt and boob implants.  People like you support self hate (and I’m not saying that all people that get cosmetic surgery hate themselves but some do).  If you’re shaming someone for being what you think is “too skinny” or shaming anyone for being “too fat”, maybe you should look in the mirror.  You’ve just made yourself something worse than too skinny or too fat.  You’ve made yourself UGLY.  You’re an ugly person to be such a negative person to someone that you know NOTHING about.  It’s okay to be a BBW but don’t be disrespectful of the women that aren’t.  It’s okay to have a preference, but you don’t have to step on others when you reveal your preference.  Have your preference and leave it at that.

I was in a group that was called Thick Women and the Men that Love Them (or something) and they spent ALL of their days talking shit about skinny women.  EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!!  And I’m not even exaggerating.  I finally left the group after pointing this out.  I have been on both sides of the coin.  I didn’t actually gain weight until the age of 31 after I got OFF birth control. I now weigh more than I weighed pregnant (152 lbs before pregnancy, 172 during pregnancy, and 148 after pregnancy).  I am close to 190 now so I have been on both sides of the coin and can be objective.  I’ve been that girl that everyone wanted to pick with or fight because she was skinny and they thought they would win.  I have been that girl that was overlooked because she was tall and skinny.  No one wants to feel less than.  So let’s do everyone a favor and accept one another for who they are.  If they are truly NOT unhealthy or dying to be a certain way, please let them live.  Let’s try to uplift rather than tear down.  It might make your life a little better.

Getting Over a Break Up the ‘Mad Woman’s’ Way

DISCLAIMER (OFF THE BAT):  DO NOT GO AND DO ANY OF THIS AND THEN GO TO THE POLICE WHEN YOU’RE ON SNAPPED AND SAY I GAVE YOU THE IDEA.  I DID NOT!!!!

Ahem, now let’s discuss break ups.  It feels as if I had a break up after three years on and off with a man that I was interested in.  I was the only one interested in anything but that was my fault.  Anyhow, I gained a brain this week and told him that I was done playing games and that I knew he didn’t want a relationship with me.

They say that when you end a relationship (or whatever it is that we had because, according to his definition, we weren’t dating although we spent every weekend together for the past 4 or so months THIS year and had dealt with one another three years on and off) you’re supposed to grieve as if someone has died.  So here are the steps for dealing with a break up the Mad Woman way:

SCREAM AND CRY

Look, this is a hard time.  It’s a time when you really are just mad at the world.  You start crying and throwing things because you can.  You can. And it’s alright to scream and cry.  You have every reason.  Think about all the time you wasted on this dude.  Yea, you wasted it because it didn’t pan out to anything.  You could’ve been on POF or OK Cupid talking to another dude.  You could’ve been doing some productive shit but you gave all your time and attention to this dude that didn’t even want you for the long haul. He was just playing.  Sucks don’t it? Sometimes screaming and crying to songs that let you scream and cry are good things.  Here’s a list:

1) Caught Out There – Kelis

2) If You Think You’re Lonely Now – K Ci

3) Alone – Dru Hill (OMG, PLEASE listen to this song if you don’t know it.  It’s GREAT!)

4) A Cappella – Karmin

5) Fuck You – Cee Lo Green

6) I Just Don’t Give a Fuck – Eminem

You usually can do a lot of cussing and yelling when you’re hurt.  If you’re hurt at the demise of your relationship, well, this is the perfect time to curse, scream and cry.  Let it out.  It’s best to do it this way or you might find your way to his house to puncture his tires, key his car, kill his dog, pour gasoline on him and light him up, etc.  And we don’t want this.

GET RID OF EVERYTHING HE GAVE YOU AND DEMAND BACK EVERYTHING YOU GAVE HIM

Now this can be good or bad.  If you let him keep the things that you gave to him, he can use them to get you back. Yes, men like to play games to get you back.  I have an ex who still has my lingerie at his house.  Every once in a while, he calls and says “You gonna come and get your stuff?”  No, I’m not going to come and get my stuff because that means I would have to see you and I don’t want to see you.  If you have ANYTHING of his, give it back to him.  Just give it to him.  You don’t want memories.  I had a book from the guy that just kicked me to the curb.  Last weekend (because I knew where this was going), I gave him his book back.  I put it right in his book shelf.  I didn’t want to have any ties to him because I knew what was coming.  No ties.  He still has a pair of my underwear though. Just the panties. It was part of a set.  I asked him for it back.  I asked him to mail them to me.  I doubt I’ll get them but I will be happy if I do.

The really smart thing to do is to plan your break up exit plan in advance.  Had I really planned, I could’ve gotten those damn panties back. They weren’t cheap, man.  I started wearing more lingerie for him because he liked to see me in them and liked peeling me out of them.  Yeah, I’m still kind of bitter about this but it has only been a week and he told me that he would send them.  LOL

TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT HIM SO THEY CAN TELL YOU ABOUT HOW THEY HATED HIM THE WHOLE TIME

I don’t have many friends BUT the friends that I do have know the whole story about this guy.  They actually were telling me to leave him alone for a while.  But I was in love and love makes you stupid sometimes.  So I’ll own that I was stupid. I told my few friends about the demise of the “relationship” and they reminded me that I shouldn’t have gotten back with this idiot in the first place.  I respect them for keeping their comments to themselves when we were “together” and now I am ready to hear the barrage of truth that comes from their lips.  Look, sometimes your friends try to tell you things and you don’t want to hear it.  NOW is the time to listen.  These very same friends will be the ones that you can call or text when you feel like calling or texting him.  Because you know you’re going to want to. You’re either going to want to to let him know how much you hate, love, are obsessed with him, etc OR you’re going to do something stupid. Don’t do anything stupid.  Your friends won’t let you.  So tell them about the break up and let them comfort you in your time of need.  That’s what friends are for.

I actually had to utilize my friends recently because I wanted to text ole boy and ask him why he couldn’t just lov me.  I was going to plead with him and beg him to choose me over the exes that he found to be more important than me.  I, however, went on Facebook and told my girlfriends that I really wanted to text him and was not “DON’T DO IT!”  You have to have these people behind you or you’ll make an utter and complete fool of yourself.  And NO ONE wants to look like a fool.

IGNORE YOUR FRIENDS AND TEXT OR CALL HIM ANYWAY

So my friends told me not to text him and I texted him anyway. LMAO!  And OMG, I texted him during Scandal, my favorite show EVER.  This is the time when you are weak and/or sometimes drunk. I wasn’t drunk though so there’s no reason I can give for sending that damn text.  But I did.  I did. And I admit it.  I sent the text trying to figure out how he could do me that way.  LOL  We got into an argument and then I came out of it smiling.  I smiled because it further proved that it was best for me to leave him alone. Sometimes you need that last gut kick to finish you off and understand that you weren’t thinking when you got with this man.  Something took over your brain and shut it off. It allowed you to be docile while someone took your heart and stomped it into the ground.

CRY SOME MORE

Soon, everything will remind you of him.  If you see a Playstation commercial, you might just bust out crying because the fool used to play games on it.  Going to IHOP might make you cry because you used to go every Sunday with him.  Maybe dogs will make you cry because he had a dog.  And don’t have a child because your child will start asking about him.  I had to tell my daughter that my friend wouldn’t be around anymore. This is why you usually don’t bring men around your children but I knew this man for three years.  You’ll start to wonder what he’s doing and if he’s even thinking about you. He likely isn’t. He’s probably playing the game that you purchased for him with some new broad that he left you for while you’re sitting around crying about it. He might even be putting your panties on a new woman.  Ew right?  You never know with these dudes.  LOL

GET OVER IT

This is not the end of the world.  The best thing you can do at this point is LEARN from this relationship, re evaluate yourself, and get over it.  Your next potential relationship depends on it.  In order to better in the future, you have to learn from the past. Just make sure not to repeat the same mistakes.  You will find yourself back in this situation and who wants to go through these steps?  It’s not fun.  When you cry, you lose weight and start to look all ugly and stuff.  You stop eating.  No one wants to do all that.  Don’t let anyone make you into a crybaby zombie. No one wants a crybaby zombie.

Pick yourself up off the floor, look in the mirror, and say “Look at me! What IDIOT would treat me less than?”  Then look at his old pics and laugh.  LAUGH at him.  He should be LUCKY to have someone as FINE and FUN as you.  Then you have to delete delete delete!!!!!

DELETE DELETE DELETE!!!!!!

If you were friends with him on Facebook, DELETE!!!!  If you have his number in your phone, DELETE!!!!  If you have his email address, DELETE!!!!  You don’t need a means to get into contact with him because he’s not worth your time.  Hell, delete AND block him while you’re at it.  I deleted and blocked the idiot on Facebook because I know he likes to look at my pics. You don’t get that privilege anymore sir.  You’re BLOCKED!  I’m sure he has plenty of pics of me in his phone and I wish I had some kind of friend like Nolan from Revenge to hack his phone and delete everything but I don’t. So I’ll live with the thought that that idiot that didn’t want me is jerking off to pics of me in his phone or iPad.  Oh well, I know he’ll never forget me. LOL  I guess that’s something to take solace in.

In the end, the demise of any relationship is not usually one sided.  You have to take responsibility for your role in the demise of any relationship that ends.  Two people are in the relationship, not just you and not just him.  Once you understand this fact, you can grow in learning how to move on and to pursue something with someone else.  Maybe you’ll see the signs better next time.  Maybe you’ll put more effort into the next man.  Maybe you’ll learn more about your partner to prevent this from happening again. But, there’s really no way to KNOW that a relationship will last or not as you cannot control both parties in a relationship.  You can only control yourself.

Love is a tricky beast that many have tried to tame.  Some win and some lose.  Until then, take some time out for yourself. Take up a new hobby.  Have fun with your friends (that you likely forgot while you were in your relationship). You might notice that relationships aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.  Time alone is part of the healing and there’s NOTHING wrong with being alone.

Being the Relationship Practice Dummy

Oh please, many of us have been that.  What is it you might ask?  Well, it’s the person that a piece of crap uses before meeting someone that they decide to treat with some sense.  Let me make it easier to understand because I just confused myself with that explanation:

Let’s say there’s a guy that’s a total piece of shit to a woman (no, this is not relegated to sex because there are some piece of shit women out there too).  He gets with a woman on and off.  He treats her like crap in all those instances until he finally gets tired of her and finds someone that he thinks is worth something (or the woman gets tired of being used and he learns too late that he loves her).  This man, in turn, finds a new woman and tries to do right by her because he learned that what he was doing wasn’t right OR he gains a heart.  It’s kind of like a guy having a whole stack of children by numerous women and being a deadbeat but finally marrying one and treating that child as if they are the only child in the world. 

I think you guys get my drift.  Now, back to what I was saying:  There are many of us out there that have been the dummy.  We were there during the “growing phase” of some man or woman.  We’re the ones that have been stolen from, abused, and treated like shit.  Then, some years later, you look up and you see wedding pics on Facebook of the new lovers together.  You laugh to yourself and say “Well, we’ll see how long that lasts” and, much to your chagrin, they last.  Now you could be bitter about this but why be bitter?  Everyone learns at their own pace. I’m sure none of us were perfect in our first relationship. I’m sure we’ve all used someone or someones as a dummy.  We’ve all been there.  And if you say you haven’t then I’m going to call you a liar because, as I’ve said in a previous rant, no one is born knowing what to do in a relationship.  We all have to learn, sometimes the hard way. 

Technically, I learned what NOT to do in a relationship with my ex fiance.  But I still have nothing to show for it.  LOL  But, sometimes you have to blame yourself for those circumstances. Relationship Karma of sorts.  When you do people dirty, dirty things can happen to you.  At some point, you have to accept that fate and hope that the tide will turn while you still have eggs to fertilize and/or all your teeth. 

And why wouldn’t there be practice dummies in relationships?  Relationships are like games to people.  People try to run love marathons but some of us don’t have the stamina to finish it out.  Some of us give up right near the finish line because we get so tired of waiting and feeling as though we’re the only ones in the relationship.  And then, what do you really get when you finish the race?  Maybe a ring.  But, even after all that fighting and training to get that ring, you STILL have to fight.  You will will have to fight inside and outside adversaries.  Nothing worth having is easy to obtain. Well, that’s what they keep telling me. 

I swear I just went all over the place with this one.  I usually do though.  I can’t stick to one subject.  Bottom line:  Try not to be that relationship test dummy for long.  It can break your spirit when it comes to running your own marathon.  I have been a test dummy.  It has honestly made me kind of sick of the game.  There’s but only so many hits you can take before you give up in that game.  To those that have completed the marathon and are relishing your trophies, I salute you.  You’re better than me though.  I have other stuff to do….like…um…watch Netflix…wait for Scandal to come back…and Sons of Anarchy comes on on Tuesday….yeah….I like that stuff. 

Let’s REALLY Talk About Suicide

This will be the subject matter for many people in the U.S. for a while.  Robin Williams hung himself and was found yesterday. This hit close to home as most suicide stories hit close to home for me.  Some can recall that my FIRST post on here was about mental illness.  I am a card carrying sufferer of mental illness.  Laugh if you must.  Judge if you must. BUT this is the reality of MANY people in this world.  I would like to discuss some of the distasteful things I have read as far as comments on Facebook about Robin Williams and his anguish.  No lie, this post is going to be a long one but there’s a reason for it.  It’s not a subject that can be glossed over.  This is going to take a lot of looking outside of oneself which many people don’t have the ability to do.

ROBIN WILLIAMS WAS SELFISH

My response to that:  STFU!!!

That’s my response to that. And here’s why:  If you have EVER contemplated suicide (which most people have not that make this stupid comment), then you will know that MOST people that are thinking of committing suicide ARE, in fact, thinking of others when they contemplate it.  Yes, the logic may sound warped (hence the reason that depression is one of MANY mental ILLNESSES that can lead to suicide) but it makes sense.  I’ve thought of suicide on many occasions.  If you know of anyone that has committed suicide and ACTUALLY listened to them instead of telling them that they were selfish, you would understand that it’s a selfLESS act TO THEM.  To them, the world doesn’t benefit from them. To them, they bring nothing to the world, haven’t accomplished things that they and/or society feels they should’ve accomplished, feel that nothing they do is right, feel that everything is going wrong for them, etc.  There are MANY reasons why people contemplate suicide but, in MANY cases, being selfish is definitely not one of them.  When we’re talking about people that threaten suicide and make a production out of it (I’ve heard of people saying they’ll commit suicide, they take pills, and then go to where people are to fall out), this doesn’t apply. This applies to the silent person.  Or the person that really thinks that they’re doing their best to make things go right but things still go wrong and they are running out of ideas or positivity to cope with so many downfalls. 

In my personal experience, I had people tell me that thinking of suicide or speaking negatively or just verbalizing your feelings of discontent was being negative.  They told me that I needed to look at the positive side of things.  I was told to think about my child. To me, I was thinking about my child.  I have things in place for her.  She would get my life insurance (to me, I was worth more dead than alive) and she wouldn’t have to see her “crazy” mother crying all the time.  What happens when you’ve tried to look at things in a positive light and everything just continues to fall around you?  You have to look at why people have resorted to seeing just the negative.  Really, you have to get to the root of the problem.  So when someone says, “I’m really just tired of it all.”  Don’t lecture them on speaking in that manner.  How about you either comfort them or suggest that they see someone?  You don’t know their lives and to trivialize their feelings and make them feel bad for FEELING them is not the way to go. 

With that said, everyone is different.  But the best thing you can do is be a listening ear (many times they’re not asking you for solutions to their problems, they just want someone to LISTEN) or suggest that they see a professional.  If you don’t know what to say, just be quiet.  Because sometimes people open their mouths and make the situation even worse for the person who likely just wanted someone to confide in.  They didn’t want to be judged.  They just wanted to be heard.

 

HE HAD MONEY, HE COULD’VE GOTTEN HELP

Man, where do I begin with this?  SMH  So money gives you a professional that will cure you of all that ails you?  Never knew that.  I wonder why there are so many utterly depressed rich people out here then (and there are many).  Robin Williams had been to rehab. They said he had over 20 years of sobriety as well.  But something STILL was wrong.  Maybe he couldn’t figure out what it was.  Maybe the lack of the drugs and alcohol made him have to think about the things he tried to numb away.  No one knows.  But I know for a fact that money cannot just get you the perfect psychiatrist or psychologist.  It can’t give you people that genuinely care about you and your well being.  If anything, being rich will get you a stack of fake friends that don’t really care about you in the end.  Look at me speaking like I’m rich.  No, I’m not rich but I know that it’s hard to find a good therapist and I also know that it’s hard sometimes to figure out the SOURCE of your true anguish.  It takes a lot of soul searching and  remembering. Some people don’t want to remember.  Some people CAN’T remember.  So how can they tell someone about something they don’t want to or can’t talk about?  But then again, this statement is so stupid because money doesn’t solve all your problems, especially NOT mental illness.  That’s uniform for everyone rich or poor.  Mental illness is an illness.  It is not a joke.  It is not a game.  And it is NOT something to play with.

HE’S GOING TO HELL-WHY DOES ANYONE CARE?

My response:  Are you God?  

Mental illness is a sickness. This is why they call it mental illness.  It’s like diabetes.  If you don’t get treatment for it, well you can get really sick and die.  This was how it was relayed to me by my first psychiatrist.  And it’s true.  Yes, he took his life.  But were you in his head?  I don’t think half the people that are being judgmental could last five MINUTES in his head or the head of ANYONE that is desperate enough to commit suicide or even think about it.  To this I say “Let that be between he and whichever God he serves”.  You can’t spend your time worrying about where someone’s soul is going to go.  At this juncture, it’s no longer your concern.  Just offer your condolences to his family if you can’t find something tasteful to say. 

Truthfully, I can’t think of too many people that think about God when they’re thinking about killing themselves. For all you know, he could’ve prayed to God and begged Him to help take the feelings from him.  We’ll never know.  GOD might know but none of us are God so move on.

WHY AREN’T BLACK PEOPLE MORE CONCERNED ABOUT THE DEATH OF MICHAEL BROWN?  HE WASN’T SELFISH

My response:  Really?  I mean, REALLY? 

Look, the death of Michael Brown was totally a tragedy.  No one will dispute that fact.  But, to compare the life of one to another is totally stupid to me.  It’s just stupid.  Whether Robin Williams committed suicide or not, he was a human being.  He was sick.  Sane and happy people don’t just wake up one morning and say to themselves “You know what? I think today will be the day I commit suicide. YAY!”  TWO people died.  One life is no better than the other. 

And I’m sorry if people are saddened by the death of a celebrity.  Celebrities are known for the contributions to the world.  So, to many people, it’s big new that such a LOVED celebrity took his own life.  People grew up on Robin Williams.  Why take that from them?  Why make them feel as if they are less than black because they feel more for this man than a boy they just learned about.  Death is death.  The thing is: death is happening all over the world. Someone else probably committed suicide today.  Are you rallying for their deaths to be mourned as well?  No?  Then sit down.  Because, in the end, you’re just as bad as the people that you’re mad at for caring about Robin Williams. The funny thing is that we can actually grieve both.  We actually have this ability to do so.  Grieving for one doesn’t make us hate our own race (if we’re black). And grieving for the other doesn’t mean we hate the arts or white people.  We can actually grieve for both. 

HOW COULD SOMEONE THAT SEEMED SO HAPPY COMMIT SUICIDE

I remember when I worked at Shady Grove, I found out that I had Major Depressive Disorder.  I was diagnosed when I was 20.  And when I told a coworker, her first response was “But you’re always so happy and cheerful. You joke around so much.”  There are so many faces of depression.  It’s not always the person that’s just mad at the world.  It can be that happy woman that you see playing with her kids at the playground or even the man that’s got the perfect job, house and car, etc.  You never know who is suffering or even why.  It’s crazy how a man that was so nice (from what I hear) and cheerful was going through so much anguish.  It’s crazy but it happens.  Most people don’t run around saying “I suffer from depression.”  You don’t see this likely because of the horrible stigma that has been attached to it.  They like to refer to people that have a mental illness as “crazy”.  That word lost its power with me MANY moons ago.  But, to some people, it is the ultimate insult.  People don’t want others to know that they are “broken”.  Some people feel that they will no longer be looked at strong.  Once you get over thinking about what other people think and actually beCOME selfish enough to care about your own well being, you have won part of the battle. 

Sadly, many people don’t get past that.  Some people are also scared of what they might learn about themselves if they were actually to go to a therapist. That self evaluation isn’t a game.  And then, once you learn about what is causing it, you have the option to utilize medication or another means to cope with said problem.  Let me tell you, it’s not easy.  Once I learned what my issue is, I then had to do a trial and error of medications to see which one worked for me.  You don’t want to know how many meds I had to go through before I got to the ones I’m on now.  I even had a seizure off one.  So it’s not an easy road (especially if the meds are involved) BUT sometimes it’s worth it.  For some people, it’s either that, the psych ward, jail, or death.  None of those sound good so I went with the meds. 

Although there are so many other ways I can go with this I will end saying that mental illness isn’t a joke or a game.  People suffer from it. They use the term “suffer from it” because it’s not a walk in the park.  It’s not just something you “get over”.  It’s not something that thinking positive thoughts will instantly cure.  Sometimes you have to do more than praying to God as well.  It might be hard but, once you get to the root of the issue and understand what you’re working with, you can get past it. Even if they put you on meds for a short time (everyone doesn’t have to be on meds for the rest of their lives.  Sometimes they only put you on their temporarily in tandem with counseling), it’s not the end of the world.  If you don’t feel you have someone to talk to, see if you can find a counselor. There are suicide hotlines out here.  Use them.  The people don’t judge you. 

To those that don’t suffer from depression or have gotten through their depression, good deal.  I’m glad you did.  But it doesn’t go away for everyone. Everyone is different and their thoughts and feelings need to taken seriously.  If you can’t tell when a person is really crying out for help, refer them to someone that will take them seriously.  I’ve had a number of people call me when they’re at their wits end and ready to end it all.  Sometimes I wish I had me around when I was going through what I was going through. Although I’m no expert, sometimes it’s good to have someone that has been there/done that to help you express yourself and point you in the right direction.

This is the end of my rant. I had been ranting about this on Facebook all day because I was totally appalled a the comments that I saw in groups regarding his death.  It’s a shame that people don’t understand why it’s called a “mental illness”. 

 

 

The Fabled Good Guy….Okay, Maybe Not Fabled.

I have found that there are more men that consider themselves good guys than a little bit.  Many of them like to play the victim and claim that NO ONE wants them.  I wonder if these men are being honest with themselves.  What makes a man a “good guy” to ONE doesn’t make him said good guy to ALL. Once men figure that out, they can learn not to take things so personally.  It’s great that you don’t have any kids and have a great job BUT the woman you might be interested in might want a man that has kids. Maybe your job is as a drug dealer. Do you think that all women should bow at your feet because of this?

People have preferences.  Understand that you won’t be that person for everyone.  And it’s totally okay. We will never be perfect on the eyes of others but it’s pretty nice to be close to perfect…or to think we are.

Some people throw the term “good guy” around not really knowing what it truly means.  But, then again,  it is a relative term. To a woman that used to be beaten, a good man is a man that doesn’t hit her. While to another woman,  that man might not beat you but he still gets drunk and verbally assaults her. This wouldn’t be a good man to her. You can’t be everything to everyone.

But, then again, there are good men that just BECAME  good RECENTLY and try to pass off their goodness as how they ALWAYS were. Those are guys that, if you could ask their previous girlfriends how they were before they found God, you would find out that he was a cheater,  beater, or liar. To me, no one has always been good just as no one has ever just been bad. Experiences can change you for the better or worse but I can guarantee you that you will never be the same.

As a woman,  I wasn’t always a good woman. I learned and, in some cases, was taught how to be that good woman. Am I a better woman than I was 9 years ago? Yes. Many times you have to fall on your face to learn what is acceptable.

In the end, what everyone needs to do is learn to be the good person for ONE person. If others have passed up your “goodness”, let them. It’s their loss (or gain) in the end.  Don’t let it sour you to all women to the point that you start claiming that women don’t want a good man. We all know this isn’t true. They probably just don’t want YOU. You are not the spokesperson for all the “good” men in the world.  Be honest with yourself.