Listen, I keep talking about how I’m struggling but I also know many others are too. I wish that all of this would end. This is usually when my thinking goes to another place. Either I can take myself out and let my daughter get my three insurance policies or sit here and take the crap that I have to endure because society says it’s bad to off yourself. I have yet to understand why the police have the right to arrest you and take you involuntarily to the psych ward. If you want to go, you should be able to go but that’s not what this post is about.
I am going to tell you some of the things I have considered as a single mom to a child with special needs to make some extra money.
Part Time Medical Coding and Coding
I have been doing this for years now. It is futile. You have recruiters that happen to call and give you tests, etc but then the job falls through. So you’ve taken tests and gotten all this info for them and the deal falls through. It has happened to me twice.
I also have to get my CPT skills back to where they were when I was working in a doctor’s office. In my field, we only code diagnosis codes. We have those rules down BUT CPT coding is hard when you haven’t done it in 7 years. In addition to this, the codes change every October, the coding books are expensive, and it’s just a pain.
Apps for Freelance Work
I live on Indeed and other apps for jobs, but I also use Fiverr and Upwork as I am trying to blog for a little bit of change on the side. No luck so far and I did get someone that tried to scam me. If they try to get you to use an app such as WhatsApp to talk to them or charge you a fee, just turn the job down. I really thought I had a job. Upwork is okay because you get to bid and submit proposals and, if you don’t get the job, you get the bid points back. I go for medical virtual assisting and blogging.
As you can see, no one has picked me up for blogging, so I just blog for myself. Fiverr has gotten me nothing. I don’t know what to do to do better but pay and that’s not plausible at this stage. I am working to get MORE money, not SPEND more money.
Taking Surveys
I take surveys for a few pennies if they acce4pt them. Sadly, I do QMee and the ones that Google gives. There are other programs but they ask you to pay money in order to try out games and the like. Google gives you points which you can use in apps so I don’t mind because I don’t like to spend money on games. There are a lot of game reward apps out there but then, the higher you go up, the more you have to spend money IN the game to get the rewards. In Rewarded Play, I used to get Chipotle gift cards for just playing the game but the farther up you go, the more you have to spend your money. But you’re trying to GET money so the purpose is defeated.
Darker Things
I have been looking into being a test subject, donating blood, I don’t have that many eggs to donate and they wouldn’t pass because of my medical and family history. But the BIGGEST thing I have thought to do is to be a dominatrix. I have always been asked to do it since my 20s because there are a lot of White men that want a tall, strong, Black woman to humiliate them. I am not a fan of humiliating people, but I will if someone pays me. I don’t like spitting on people and all the other things but … they pay.
I can wear a good corset to cover this belly until I get it back to where it was. I started looking into it because a TikToker that does it said to go to a dungeon and ask for training. They want you to practice being dom or sub. I don’t want to be a sub but that would be how you learn how they feel. I started looking for dungeons near here and I only found one. I think it’s going to be hard to find because they are usually underground. I was close to doing that in my early 30s when a partner of mine and I used to associate with some people in that lifestyle (yes, the hypersexuality from bipolar disorder is a thing which is why they do their best to keep me from going manic). I want to learn and maybe find some clients. Or I could do sessions on Only Fans. But who am I kidding? I’m 43. I don’t look it, but this belly does. I can do away with it though. Since I’m still losing weight, I can get back to trying to lean out.
I even looked up a class for learning how to do it but there are plenty of people that didn’t need a class but just learned. The cheapest option is to find a dungeon BUT they are usually in the upper-class area of DC. Yes, DC has freaks, always has and always will.
I can’t be a stripper. That’s just a joke in itself. I can’t dance. I would need to take some pole dancing lessons. I had a pole dancing get together and the next day I was in pain. Also, most classes are in Virginia or DC. I don’t drive in DC and the VA classes are expensive. There is one in MD but I’m not sure. Again, I am being forced to spend money to get money which is not the goal. I want to earn more money so I can stop having to ask people for help. I know that people say to let people help you, but you start to feel worthless when you KEEP having to ask.
In the End …
I’m not, nor have I ever been, a lazy person. I have tried so many things. I suggested going back into retail or just stocking a store, but the therapists don’t suggest that due to my temper. People are extremely mean and nasty to those that they think are below them. I worked at KMart in my teens, and I don’t ever want to go back to retail but I will if that means I can feed my greedy daughter, pay my rent, and not go back to the psych ward.
Thank you for reading. These are just the things that I think about and try to do to make it in this world. It’s extremely hard but I’m trying to hang on because people keep telling me they need me around and my daughter needs me. I listen and do what society tells me to do but I’m not very happy at all.
Please read some of my more upbeat posts about things like dating sites. Here’s one: Jeepers CREEPERS!!!! It’s from 2014 but still is true.
The things I have learned about SK came from a lot of research when I became interested in K-Pop. As an EXO-L, I was first introduced to many things and even tried to learn Korean. I wouldn’t make it in Korea. I watch a lot of K-dramas as well. I have always thought that the culture was one of beauty and even wanted to visit. I also went to YouTube and Reddit where people tell you about their experiences there, especially as people of color. They don’t really like us that much. And the people that say they do, well, I guess.
I won’t get controversial here, so let’s talk about why I have a picture of BTS up. Most of the ARMY (if not all) are shitting a brick because BTS, like the majority of other celebrities, have to do their mandatory military service.
Although they did get the age for K-Pop celebrities pushed back, they were unable to avoid the military altogether much to the chagrin of their fans. The age for service is usually 18 to 28 but the “BTS Law” introduced in 2020 due to their success got the age moved to 30. I will cite my sources at the end of this.
Welcome to Our Reality
First through third generation K-Pop groups have had to go. Most people acknowledge that this is a rite of passage in SK culture, but the ARMY wasn’t for that, and many were demanding that they be excluded because of what they did for K-Pop. Yes, they did a lot, but they didn’t pave the way for K-Pop as true fans were loving groups before them which means someone paved the way for them and they still had to enlist.
I like BTS a lot, their fans are a different story and are usually very young. They don’t understand music history and many of the ones in the U.S. weren’t even familiar with BTS until DNA. Many didn’t even know what the genre was hence my rants in Why I Am NOT Mad at NCT: Hollywood and How Kpop Changed My Life – Part TWO: Fan Wars. The bottom line is that it’s not fair for other celebrities to have to go but not them.
Feel Our Pain
At the present, many of our faves are away. Taemin is in the military but had to get his duties changed due to major anxiety. Everyone was worried about him regardless of the fandom. Taemin is a member of SHINee, a solo artist, and a member of SuperM. He started in K-Pop at about 14 years old. When his fellow members were in the military, he went solo and did a great job. He will be discharged next month per this story regarding his health and discharge date. The other members of the once five-member group are doing their solo projects and are doing a very well.
Before “idols” enlist, they get some projects done due to the fact that they can’t do outside projects while enlisted. SME found a way around that by pre-recording videos by our faves while they are gone.
Taemin and SHINee did some music before Taemin left.
EXO-Ls already know the pain of their favorite third generation group going to the military and still being there. They go in waves, but they do things with the existing members and then a member or two leaves. The first to go was our fake maknae, Xiumin. Suho, the leader was next then our actor, D.O. Baekhyun and Kai stayed and did solo projects and SuperM along with Taemin and members of NCT.
Chanyeol got discharged this week and Baekhyun will be getting out soon. Chen, not in this video, was discharged as well but has been very quiet. Why? Because, before enlisting, he was married with a baby. When he got out, his wife had another child. People were mad and he literally had to write an apology letter. I will talk about this in part five along with scandals.
Who is Left and Who Doesn’t Have to Go?
Baekhyun should be out soon and then the two youngest ones have to go: Kai and Sehun. Kai has been doing a lot with his solo career and Sehun has been out and about and even did a movie called The Pirates: The Last Royal Treasure. He barely talked but he was so cute. He also had a part in a quirky KDrama, both of which can be found on Netflix. Maybe Kai and Sehun will go together although Sehun has a tiny bit more time as the maknae of the group.
You’re wondering “Who doesn’t have to go?” In Don’t Fight the Feeling, there is a guy in red. That’s Lay. Lay was a part of the Chinese line of EXO (EXO-M). People lost their minds when they saw him in the vid although they had put him in digitally. Technically, his political affiliation puts him at risk if he were to come to SK. Also, he is not Korean so he doesn’t have to enlist. I will talk about this more in my next installment.
Our Next Batch to Go
NCT is a 21–23-member boy band group. it consists of people worldwide. A good number of their members won’t have to enlist as some are Korean American, Canadian, Chinese, Thai, Japanese, and German. The oldest in NCT is Taeil. He will have to go soon.
BTS is not the only group that has to go to the military. Real fans will back the other members as some go solo and others pursue other endeavors. No matter where your favorites go, you support them BUT (and I got told off for this), many people don’t have patience. Many fandoms have been doing this for years. We have patience and know that K-Pop is not all they are good for.
In my next blog in this series, I will talk about scandals and the thought that K-Pop “idols” don’t deserve to be loved. The stigma is slowly being broken but, at what cost. I will also discuss Lay’s situation and why he isn’t safe in SK.
As I have said previously, I love my little gym. I feel that my downfall of three years (the gym was closed due to COVID) was due to me not seeing my little family at the gym and talking a lot of shit.
The first time I was contemplating going to the gym while my daughter was in Taekwondo, a nice man named “Bear” told me to come in and look around. That was when I knew that it would be my home. Everyone is so nice and we’re just a small family. I really missed my people so, about 3 weeks ago, we started Taekwondo back at that community center and I saw most of my people. Some have relocated. But I am happy to be among my people. I am the only woman in there when I go and I get a log of encouragement when I work out.
Meeting a LICSW
I have seen this guy many times. I think he is familiar with the instructor. I’ve never really even had a conversation with him but I know him, you know? So he started the conversation by asking me about my daughter and how long she had been in the class. I told him about 7 years. When my mom was in the hospital, we didn’t come for about a year. She is now 16 and has a green belt.
I pointed out that it was great because she continuously proves me wrong as she has autism and a moderate intellectual disability, yet I can’t get though the first form. My baby is a determined individual, and I am so proud of her. That’s not really what this post is about but just bear with me.
He asked me about how long she had been in the class because he wants to put his daughter in the class and wanted to know what my daughter had learned. I told him about the discipline that she has now and the fact that I know from experience that she can protect herself because I have had to fight her a number of times (see Another Altercation with My Daughter). I have had to restrain her from a very young age, but she is about to turn 17 and I continue to work out to keep up with her. My job is to keep her safe. When being attacked, you have to do your best not to let the old you come out but I digress.
The therapist and I started talking about my mental disorder and how I have suicidal ideation. We talked about how it would impact my daughter and I told him that I really didn’t think it would. Later on, however, I contradicted myself in stating that my daughter notices everything. She doesn’t really understand the concept of death, but she knows if the rug is crooked. He pointed that fact out to me. He said, “So she might not notice it as quickly as others, but she will notice it and she will grieve in a different way.” My reason for living WAS my daughter but the way she has treated me makes me feel as though she doesn’t need me anymore. People say it’s selfish of me to be suicidal when you have kids but, to people with a messed up brain like mine, it makes sense. My child gets to live with someone and live off my three insurance policies.
Lessons Learned
I am still not really over the incident 13 years ago which sent me to the psych ward the first time. I’m not sure that I have written about that incident. I’m not over it because I was telling the therapist what happened and he said that my eye was squinting. I was talking to my sister today about it and she said she could hear the rage in my voice. I am still NOT over it but I don’t fault him for it. Dude was drunk and my mom didn’t help the situation. When I came in the house after being gone for 5 days, he welcomed me and gave me a hug. However, my mother made it known that my daughter didn’t even miss me.
Thankfully, my second trip to the psych ward was different in that everyone was involved. They told me that my daughter was looking for me which made me feel good; like she cared. I wasn’t told that by my mother the first time. I still harbor resentment to my mother for a lot of things, but she is still my mother. She has done so much dirt to me to the point that people were TELLING her she was wrong, and she just kept doing it anyway. That’s why I had to leave for my own sanity.
Mourning the Living
I talked about how I have a concern about my daughter because she can’t do and won’t be able to do the things that many kids her age can do. I talked about this previously here. Graduations, seeing kids younger than her drive, read, go to college are things my daughter might get to do. My daughter has to stay in school until 21 and they are basically teaching them life skills. It makes me sad and I wonder if she will find love. My daughter is a happy individual because she is oblivious to how crappy this world is while I’m over here stressing about everything.
The therapist told me straight up, “You can’t mourn the living. Your daughter is happy. Everyone loves her and she will be fine.” This is true. I have to learn to put my feelings and knowledge aside and let her life her life. She is in a program through the ARC called Ready@21 and they are training them on how to interview. In addition to this, her school is teaching them life skills as well. The teachers are great and actually care as well. They will also help her get a summer job so she can help me with money because I am drowning because I’m constantly buying her juice and the $51.46 we get per month from the deadbeat is nice but ….. nah.
Allowing Others to Help
Getty Images
I had to ask my sister for rent money this month because I literally didn’t have it. I have since moved my bills to the middle of the month, got rid of some things, and am just trying to make it. I have job prospects coming up as well. I am also trying to reteach myself some things.
An old boss of mine said she was working hard and asked me for my Venmo. I don’t have Venmo and I told her that. I told her I had CashApp. She was so determined to help me, she downloaded it and sent me some money to help even though I told her not to send me money. When I told the therapist this, he said “Some people want to bless others and, if you don’t let them, you are blocking their blessings. You need to accept the things that people offer you.” I know that I can do this because no one in my village holds things over my head as I wouldn’t do that to them when I am doing well. If I get a piece of cash extra, I will send them sweet things just to make their day. My sister told me that we don’t have to give money to people to make an impact.
The therapist also pointed this out. He said that I might not have money, but I give people something else that makes them feel good and want to let you know how much they love you. I have to learn to accept that fact. I do things for people to make them feel happy because we’re all going through it. I genuinely love to see people happy. I like to see them smile when they get random flowers or something simple that they mentioned. My ex-fiancé was like this, very observant. My love language is acts of service.
I will say that I have learned more humility than a little bit during these hardships. All I need is my overtime back. Until I can get that, I’m no good.
In the End …
I learned a lot about my worth in about 20-30 minutes of talking to this therapist that works with children with special needs. It changed my outlook on my suicidal ideation. It showed me to accept the love and respect people for me. It taught me that I mean more to people than I thought even if I don’t mean much to myself. People are coming forward and telling me these things and, instead of downplaying anything I do to make them feel this way, I accept it and take it in.
I will do my best to get better with the help of my village, my therapists, and family. I am trying but it is a daily struggle especially when money is needed to survive. My employer hears us though, I will give them that much. They listen but I’m just frustrated with myself because I am a fast learner so it’s a pain when I have to keep having meetings about trying to improve even though my supervisor is very nice and encouraging. I have to stop being so hard on myself.
I have to do some revamping to this page. I have had it for 9 years now and I talk about everything. I even did a play by play of the Johnny Depp trial which was hilarious because I was actually mad. I summed up my rage here Trying to Figure Out My Rage Regarding this Trial.
As always, thank you for taking the time to read my blog. If you would like to donate to my fun for obtaining my Master’s degree before I get on a pole, you can send money to my CashApp at $kenkie21.
What if all the “heroes” were people like me with passive suicidal ideation?
I was thinking about this the other day. I would take a bullet for people so I could die, not just to save them. That’s really bad.
I thought of like a whole series on people that just want to die but can’t because the opportunity just doesn’t present itself. I’d jump in front of anyone just to die at this rate.
I am definitely putting a trigger warning here. For the past few months, I was in a bad way. SI (suicidal ideation) is normal for me, but it is usually passive. However, I have added HI (homicidal ideation) to the mix which is kind of weird but probably not.
What Is the Cause?
For me, it could be the season changing, bipolar disorder, and being drained by people when going out into the wild. I have found that I really am an empath, and I don’t like it. I talked to a LICSW at the gym about 2 weeks ago and we discussed why I probably wouldn’t be able to be a therapist (I am going to make a separate post about our eye-opening conversation). Of course, my therapist agreed. I can’t watch people suffer. It’s impossible for me to do that. I become so invested and feel it if the person is close to me to the point where I hurt if my friend is hurting. I can’t even watch the news. Since we found these things out, we had to make a plan.
The Plan
Last week, I had a good three appointments. One with my therapist, another with my psychiatrist, and then my Primary Care Physician (PCP). When you have doctors and professionals that work together, it’s a beautiful thing. I talked to my other social worker (SW) through my job about two weeks prior.
Every month, I talk to my SW. She got me more Employee Assistant help (called the EAP for Employee Assistance Plan) which affords me 10 more visits through the end of the year and then I can get 10 more. This alone helped me with the cost of everything.
In addition to THIS, my job hasn’t been giving me overtime because of the fact that I can’t meet the standards they want me to reach regarding numbers (many people are having the same issue). Without overtime, I can’t pay my rent. This added more stress, so I had to reach out to my village. I’m going to have to make a total other post about that as it goes with what the LICSW said to me in the gym.
My job-appointed SW gave me two goals that would help with my stress: 1) Write a blog a week and 2) practice my CPT coding so I can find supplemental income or a new job altogether. I can’t keep depending on overtime to survive even though my job gave me a raise recently because they really gave me a slap in the face earlier in the year. Because you can talk to the CEO at my big company, I let it be known that they needed to do something about it, and they did something about it. I don’t know if I will be at that job much longer although they really are trying to help me. I did find out that there are two openings, and one is coming because a very nice lady retired and told me about the job. I will be looking out for that.
The main issue I have been having with HI is weird. I had a flashback of ALMOST pulling someone out of the car because the same situation occurred recently in my HI phase. However, because of my therapy, I did not get out of my car and act a fool like I did about 15 years ago. But I was extremely angry. Someone tried to scold me on TikTok for even speaking on the matter (which I do to show the sides of bipolar disorder). I then pointed out the fact that therapy and medication have changed me DRASTICALLY, set the scene for them, and then went back to the point that the meds and therapy help. They deleted their comment, of course.
With the SI, I have been looking at knives, but I can’t do something where my child would find me. I don’t want to add on to the trauma of losing a parent. There are so many things that I have felt and seen just from being out among people and I truly hate it. It’s really why I stay in the house. But the talk with the LICSW at the gym taught me some things too. I really have to evaluate my thinking and change it. He has his own practice as well and works with kids with special needs, which was why he started a conversation with me in the first place.
My regular therapist, psychiatrist, and PCP all helped me last week, however. Just talking to the therapist is great because she’s like a girlfriend I have known for 13 years now. I just rant, she listens, and then we analyze all my ramblings. My psychiatrist listened and we came up with changes to my medication. I am to take my Zoloft along with Abilify in the morning (to help my moods) and then Trazadone with my usual Klonopin at night. Last night, I took them together for the first time, and I got almost 8 hours of sleep. My sleep score rose as well. I will email him today, but I will be seeing in 2 months as opposed to the usual 3 because he wants to check on my progress. I email him. He also told me to send him an email when I write my blogs and to treat them as a diary that I don’t expect anyone to read. Then I went to my PCP who did my test to see if I still have diabetes. In addition to my weight loss (my psychiatrist noticed, and my smile was epic when he said he could tell in my face that I lost weight). My A1C went down a lot, I have lost about 20 lbs., so my PCP is VERY happy with that. I don’t have to go back for 6 months for my physical. My insurance might not let me use the Ozempic though because, technically, my diabetes was medication induced. There is a different code for that, but they just use DM 2. As a coder, I would use another code, but I just mind my own business. The reason I got diabetes in the first place was the Seroquel which also caused me to gain about 100 lbs even while working out very often as well as eating right.
Now What?
My plans are in place, I plan to strictly adhere to them, and I hope to feel a lot better. The SI and HI, although passive, have subsided a lot. What does “passive SI and HI mean”? It means that I would like to die and/or unalive someone BUT I am not taking active steps to make it happen. I would rather someone else unalive me and I don’t have a specific person that I would want to unalive nor a plan to do either. Weirdly, this is a great improvement. If you know, you know.
I will be writing blogs more often as prescribed by my work appointed social worker. I have been getting more traffic because I repost a lot of my blogs that are STILL relevant from 5 years ago in news posts on Facebook. People actually read them. Everyone is talking about Kanye West (I will use his whole name) and the Kardashians. Because he has bipolar disorder (and possibly other comorbid mental illnesses), I can recycle old posts. A lot of people have been reading Don’t Let Your Hate for the Kardashians and Your Pro Blackness Make You Miss What’s Going On. I broke the whole situation down as to why you should take your meds and how all this isn’t the Kardashian’s fault. If you haven’t read it, just click on that link and it will take you to it. I speak as a person with bipolar disorder on what Kanye needs to do in order to stop being talked about so negatively. The main thing is to take his meds which he, like many people, doesn’t do because he doesn’t like the way the meds make him feel. This is why the process of trial and error is needed although it is frustrating. I am living proof of that. But, yes, just read that post if you are so inclined.
In The End
I will be better soon. So far, I like the new combination of my meds. I will stay in the gym and work on my life goals as well. I have a lot more coming as I have a list I made about topics to discuss. I also have to continue my series on my favorite podcasts as I have only covered one or two so far. I also would like to add another part to my K-pop series as I have seen a LOT of things happen since I started the series. I want to talk about the dark side of K-pop as well as the rules regarding joining the military and fans getting mad when K-pop stars get married.
I hope to get those out soon and stay motivated enough to continue talking about my journey because there is a lot that stays on my mind that I need to get out.
As always, thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog. Even if you skim it, it makes me happy. Have a great day!
A lot has been going on in my life and I had every opportunity to share it with you guys, but the motivation wasn’t there. As we all know, I have bipolar disorder. Lately, I have been having homicidal and suicidal ideations.
Why?
I can say that about three weeks ago, I went out “into the wild” for things that I needed two days in a row and, I don’t know if I’m an empath, but I know I am not agoraphobic. There’s just something about people I don’t like. It’s the expectation that someone is going to test me and take me out of character.
Please believe I am trying to find ways to combat this as I can’t just be a homebody and I don’t want to pass that onto my daughter. She is the sweetest and I can’t put my issues on her.
People like me and I like (certain) people, but I know the intent of those people that I know. I don’t know the intent of people in public. These people are literally out here living their best lives and leaving mine alone but I’m always on alert. I don’t live in the BEST area either. I have no reason to have PTSD from an attack or anything either so I don’t know the actual source of this but I will explore it more with my therapists.
Most of the things I do, as I have talked about in previous posts, are in the morning when there is no one around, or by just taking my dog for a walk. Although one lady wanted to fight me while I was picking up the poop that my dog has JUST done. I will just say that God protected her. I probably told that story.
Because I want peace and can’t seem to get it, I started having suicidal ideations again. And just rage. But I can’t say it was a manic episode because I still didn’t want to get up and get anything done. Because I refuse to go back to the psych ward, I will find another way to be gone but I don’t want my daughter to see. I had been eyeing knives. My job appointed social worker had to make a weekly call just to make sure I didn’t do anything to anyone or myself. I won’t hurt my child or animals. And, if I get into a fight, I will fight to kill or I will get killed. Those things don’t matter to a person like me.
Look at that subtopic and then look at all the things I just said; contradictory, right? My psychiatrist asked me if I wanted an earlier appointment, and I told him that I would hang on for the meantime. I have two other therapists (they don’t regulate my meds) that I can vent to though. The bipolar brain is one of chaos and I don’t like this chaos. I don’t like this world and I don’t want to be in it, but people keep showing me how I impact and enrich their lives and that does give me purpose. Honestly, I didn’t really know my purpose until people kept telling me and it’s not like I asked but I think they just needed to let me know.
My daughter is back at her home community center for Taekwondo so I am seeing some of my old buddies in the gym and am running again. This week I did a mile and a half in 30 minutes with Couch25k (if you don’t have it, get it, I swear by it). I got back to lifting my weights again and putting my anger into reps.
I started meditating and trying positive affirmations. I can’t say that’s really working for me, but I will keep trying. Thanks Spotify.
I am trying not to be too hard on myself for the things I can’t do or am not motivated to do.
I took a whole week off (I planned this like two months ago) and I really have just been sleeping and doing laundry.
I have learned to ask for help. My siblings have been very helpful.
I try to find people that have worse problems than I do so as not to feel like a victim of circumstance. That sounds bad but I literally watched a mom with no full hands make dinner and garden. She’s not complaining. My psychiatrist says that this is a good way to look at things. He said it shows that I’m not just trying to sit in my depression.
I watch people do makeup. Watching people do makeup has always been something I have loved to do. I’m constantly being told to pick my brushes back up and I want to but I hate wasting money. I have so much beautiful makeup and I try to help small, black owned businesses by buying palettes. I don’t use them because I’m not going anywhere. So, many MUAs on TikTok say that it’s therapy for them just to do their makeup and take pics. I want to do that too. I am still trying to get motivated but it’s coming.
On my birthday, I got a raise from my job (in addition to the slap in the face they gave me at the beginning of the year) which went into effect this pay period. I am still short on rent money but about $200 BUT it’s not $400. Weird thing: I watched Rent for the first time so that I could have someone to identify with which is kind of sad.
I have gone to TikTok and found a little bit of a family (I will be blogging about my experiences there because it’s not all good) in the LGBTQIA+ community. I have been chosen as moderator for so many people because I stand up for them. I don’t like bullies. That is something that I have always had an intense dislike for as a child. But the community has also taught me a lot too. I identify with them in a way but I will talk about that later.
Oh, I have also lost weight with Ozempic (which will soon be taken because I’m sure my A1C has gone back down and the diabetes was medication induced (again)). I went from 248 lbs to 216.2 (I just weighed myself). I can’t SEE it but that’s what my scale says so I’ll take the W on that.
Some of you have been here through a lot of my trials and tribulations. How I am still here is a mystery to me as well, but it took a lot of people to keep me here.
Guess What?
It is now 8 days later (my sister’s birthday) and my mind is so messed up that I had no motivation to even finish this. Bottom line: I’m still here, like it or not.
I’m sure everyone has heard the mess about Aries Spears who claims he has been in the comedy game for years talking about Lizzo’s weight. I will not repeat what he said because he literally is not relevant. If you came here to see me defend him and his raggedy opinion, WRONG BLOG! I am usually an objective person but enough is enough at this point.
As I have said on many occasions, I have been body shamed my whole life literally. I have made blogs from years ago discussing me being made fun of in the black community for being too skinny and then ending up on the other side of the spectrum due to medications that I need to maintain my sanity and stay out of prison or the psych ward. You can find those blogs here: So I Have Diabetes , Being a Skinny, Black Girl in America , and What Joy Do You Get From Making Fun of Overweight People?
I won’t even post a pic of this dude because my dog is more relevant than him at this point in time.
Why Does This Irk Me So Much?
Besides what I said above, I feel that many men (I’m trying not to generalize), always have something to say about size when they’re in the same category and have a higher mortality rate due to the fact that most of them don’t even want to go to the doctor. There is a reason women live longer than men, because most of us aren’t stubborn. It is also interesting that many men feel that they can look like trash and still pull beautiful women, so they have the right to talk about us like dogs when it comes to looks. I also find it interesting that people that can be in the best shape have died from illnesses they didn’t even know they had. I know two VERY in shape men that died of heart attacks.
I will give the gist of what ole boy said. I will not post his picture; he doesn’t deserve that much either. Basically, this man was asked how he felt about Lizzo’s singing and he immediately went on her looks. Are our looks a part of our talent now? I have recently noticed from TikTok that people actually think like this. Your gender, sexuality, weight, height, color, seems to be more important than talent and I don’t like that.
He then went on to talk about her health and how she needed to cover up (I will talk about the irony of society and that comment later because… there are a lot of hypocrites in this world but I think it’s human nature). He tried to make it into a joke by bringing himself into it because he’s not in the best shape himself. I am not a fan of body shaming and I never have been one because I treat people with respect but, again, I have been there personally. It doesn’t feel good. But, the ire he received via social media was well deserved. You see, she is still young, we have seen her (if you follow her) eating well and working out. We also have seen her cry because she is human. Things get to you and sometimes we have to find a way to work through it and ignore it but, when that hate comes to you from all sides when all you’re doing is living your life, it can be draining.
I feel that she puts on a brave face as many women have done because she can’t let anyone know that they got to her. But it’s damaging. It’s not only damaging to her, a woman that does NOTHING but promote body positivity and inclusivity, but it’s also damaging to the children that we are raising in this world.
So many people look at social media and see women that aren’t like them, and they want to be like them, NOT KNOWING that many of these women didn’t really work for the bodies they are showing. Surgery is a thing, and many celebrities use this to look better in addition to the photoshopping that we see on social media and in the magazines. This has been going on for a very long time.
I started to think of back in the day before social media and how artists that were at one time slim, gained weight, but were still respected for the talent they possessed. Chaka Khan and Aretha Franklin STILL were respected for their craft although they weren’t the size they were when they came out. The TALENT is what mattered then. Now everyone is just trying to look better than the next woman while claiming it’s all natural when it’s not. And there is NOTHING wrong with getting surgery, it’s your money and you do what you want with it. However, I feel that someone like Lizzo is in the process of working on herself BUT while she is doing it, she is saying that it’s okay to be you.
We have to work to get where we want to be although there are some people that just have those genes (I was one of them so I know). When I hit 248 lbs after being put on another antipsychotic medication, I felt bad. Feeling bad about how you look, having to buy clothes that fit, or just staying in the house to save money because you have no clothes that fit you is a thing. Staying inside so as not to hear comments from rude people about your weight is also something that overweight and obese people deal with. With that sometimes comes depression which decreases your motivation to even do anything.
Some people have problems with their limbs and the like and can’t be mobile enough to do things. Some people have respiratory problems or endocrine issues that can cause weight gain.
Assumptions
Why do people always assume that a person that is overweight somehow did it to themselves or are in horrible health? That’s not always the case. Again, my weight gain came from medication which caused me to have diabetes. I had to be taken off the antipsychotic and given diabetes medication to lose the weight. The second time I went to the psych ward, they put me on another antipsychotic that made me gain weight and really didn’t help me in any other way. I’m off it now and have to take Ozempic for the medication induced diabetes. Funny thing is: Even after being taken off that medication (and before they finally allowed me to get on Ozempic which is also used to help with weight loss in addition to diabetes), I hit 248 lbs again (I am tall but still). I worked out, walked the dog, did everything and it still didn’t come off. Frustration comes with that to the point that you just want to stop trying. Another issue that I had that kept the weight on me was that I was working out but not eating enough.
Before I obtained my degree in Psychology, I wanted to be a nurse, so I took two semesters of Anatomy and Physiology. One of the many things that we learned was that you slow your metabolism down by not eating enough food so your body hangs onto what it gets because it doesn’t know when it’s going to be nourished again. When I was younger, I had a high metabolism because I ate all the time. In addition to that, my dad is tall and slim, so genes also had something to do with it. Even now, I still don’t eat as much as my body burns so I have to make myself eat more food to speed up my metabolism. That is a struggle for me. I am in a program at my job that helps promote good eating habits, talks about some setbacks we might have, and how to get past them.
What am I trying to say? Basically, we don’t know what Lizzo does on a daily basis but I am sure she has professionals that are working with her to achieve her desired goal. It is a process and definitely doesn’t happen overnight. This woman had a beautiful show on Amazon Prime that often made me cry where she was looking for thicker dancers to give them a shot in a field that is usually geared to “in shape” women. These women can outdance most of us and they were thick but they still killed it. They kill it on the stage with her to promote body positivity. Lizzo’s message is to show that we are all beautiful no matter what size we are and that’s what we need to remember.
Lizzo sings, dances, plays the flute, and tries to uplift others while people continue to try to bring her down. I don’t look at her medical records to even know if she has any chronic illnesses because of her weight. I believe she has stamina though because I can’t do all three of those things at the same time and MOST people can’t. So who am I to even speak on her weight? Because I am not privy to that information, I can’t say “Stop eating this or that” but he took it a step further and said that she looked like the shit emoji. Really sir?
Lizzo’s Choice of Fashion
I will admit that I didn’t like those assless pants she wore to a game. I just don’t like to put skin on public things. I hate public bathrooms and all that but that is a PERSONAL problem. Has nothing to do with Lizzo.
People complain about her campaign for her brand, Yitty. She was literally on a bike exercising and wearing her active and shapewear and people complained about that. She was promoting her brand which is what most people do. Where was the outrage when Kim Kardashian was promoting her shapewear? I’ll wait.
People want Lizzo to cover up. Did you see the VMA looks (I’m too old to watch the VMA’s)? People made fun of her red-carpet dress and called it call kinds of bed sheets and trash bags. But she was covered. Pick a struggle. That’s the issue, people will ALWAYS find something negative to say about you. You can either let it fuel you to do more or hurt you. It’s a process. No one just wakes up and says, “Nothing anyone says about me will ever get to me.” If that were the case, many celebrities wouldn’t quit social media or engage at all. Everyone is human and they have feelings. I just wonder if the people that were backing Lizzo and getting in Aries’ butt were some of the same people making fun of her clothing for the VMAs.
I know you’re not supposed to like EVERYTHING someone does but, on the heels of the mess that Aries said, I would think people might just give her a big more grace but that’s what I get for expecting people to do so.
In the End
I think that people need to realize that promoting body positivity is very important. We can all not like what we see in the mirror and do things to fix it because WE want to, not because the world body shames us into doing so. I want to lose weight because I know what I am capable of and where I was before I let depression take my joy (and COVID closed my little gym down), not because people call me fat. My health is actually fine except for the medication induced diabetes (I have since been taken off the second med that made me gain weight). Do I call myself “fat”? Yes, I do because I look in the mirror every day and remember what I WAS. Lizzo calls herself “fat” or “big” because she is talking about herself and does the same thing the rest of us do. She already knows that she is big, no one needs to remind her when she sees herself daily. I’m also concerned about her mental health. We can put on a brave face and have people that love us but things will still get to us. Why? Because we’re HUMAN.
So, while we’re sitting here trying to pick her apart, remember, she’s human. Also, remember that she is still winning and has more talent than a good percentage of the world. Again, can you dance, sing, and play the flute? I can’t. We need to live and let live. I’m just trying to figure out how to pay my rent and raise my child. Yes, I can focus on many things at a time BUT my priority is keeping a roof over my head and not shaming a woman that is really doing her best to bring some positivity to the world.
We need to do better and, again, think about our children, ESPECIALLY the young girls out there. Eating disorders and surgeries don’t have to be the go-to. It can always be an option but don’t let society bully you into doing something you don’t even really need.
Thank you for reading and please read some of my other posts about navigating life with bipolar disorder while raising a teen with special needs as well as other societal things that come to mind. I can be all over the place but sometimes things come together.
In my previous blogs, I have talked a lot about being the skinny black girl that people constantly reminded that men didn’t want. I was often made fun of for being slim and I actually ate a lot. People felt that I didn’t have the right to exercise at the gym because I was slim. But you can go check that blog out (go ahead and do it).
Today, I’m going to talk about being overweight or “fat” as society likes to refer to it. Why is it the thing to make fun of people for their weight? What exactly do we get out of making fun of people for their weight? Do we know their stories? Do we see how it impacts their mental health? Do we even know how they got to be that size? Do we know if they have tried to get help but got frustrated? Have you ever been frustrated? It takes the fight out of you sometimes, doesn’t it?
Well, I’m writing this blog because I am constantly being called fat (by family, of course) but why does this have to even be said? I have a scale and I have a mirror. What makes it worse is that your family knows a little more than strangers do so they should have a little bit more sensitivity about what you’re going through. But they don’t.
My Story
In summary, I used to be skinny. At 5’11, I was 152 lbs before I got pregnant, 172 while pregnant, and 148 lbs after pregnancy. After a stent in the psych ward, they put me on Seroquel to help me sleep. One of the main side effects of that medication is weight gain. I gained a bunch of weight (and boobs). But you can see all that in the other blog I told you guys about here.
On 4/13/2018, I was diagnosed with diabetes (DM) and you can find that blog here. Seroquel caused it but only after me being on it for about 8 years. I worked out and ate right (got to 180 lbs) but this past year the Seroquel was done with me (I hit 237 lbs). So, I had to get off the Seroquel and get on Klonopin. As soon as I did that, the weight started coming off. I am down 26 lbs (I am 211 lbs) as I type this.
Anyhow, I have been to three funerals in the past 2 or three months. I have an aunt that feels that her greetings to me should always be about my weight. Some years ago, I wrote a blog about coming home from a 6 mile run and being called fat when I came in the house by my father and then again by my cousin, mom, and aunt.
Anyhow, back to the funerals. At two of the three funerals, my aunt said things about my weight. The first time she greeted me with “Oh, so you’re not model thin anymore.” No “Hello, isn’t this a sad occasion” or anything? She just let me know that I was fat. Thanks. Today, we were at another funeral and her greeting to me was “Hi Fatty.” Now, when I had found out that she was in town and going with my mom to the funeral, I kind of had it in the back of my mind that she was going to say something EVEN THOUGH I literally dropped 26 lbs. I just shrugged it off and went and sat down. I told my oldest sister and she was infuriated. Not because she said it but she knew that this wasn’t the first time she had said it. Changing medications is hard. Changing medications had me crying for no reason and all kinds of stuff. I was in a bad place so to add that onto some of the other things I was facing just wasn’t a good thing.
My sister told my mom “You need to check your sister.” My oldest sister is one of the most soft spoken people until you piss her off. And, clearly, my new meds were working or I just refused to deal with it. We were at a funeral for goodness sake! Two funerals, you had to tell me I was fat at. So my mother must have said something to my aunt and my aunt called me over. For some reason, she didn’t know that calling me fat offended me. Had no clue at all.
Do you know of anyone that likes to be called fat or told that they aren’t what they used to be? Do you? I don’t. But that’s just me. And I can be a very hateful person when pushed but it wasn’t worth it. It just wasn’t. But it really made me think about a lot of things.
Being Rude for What?
What do you get out of telling someone something that they already know or see on a daily basis? Everyone has a struggle. Yes, my struggle was being made fun of for being “too” skinny for a while. But it was a struggle and it was a personal struggle that made me feel a bit bad about myself. Do people care about this?
I have a cousin that had sarcoidosis of the brain and had to take Prednisone. She gained weight. Then she had knee problems and now hip problems because she puts her weight on one knee to compensate for the injured other knee. It’s not easy moving around in that state. So when a person that is overweight goes out (usually because they HAVE to), they don’t need comments from people about their weight. You don’t know their story. You don’t have to be a jerk to them.
I’m an introvert for one VERY important reason. I have a temper from hell. I stay away from people so as not to be tempted to kill them or strangle them for saying or doing something stupid to make me go off. I don’t place myself in positions to be ridiculed or harassed. So, you will catch me at a funeral or a grocery store as soon as it opens because I don’t want to interact with people that might put me in a place I don’t want to go back to.
Basically, what I’m saying is “Mind your own business.” This world is hard enough. We have racists out here calling the cops on kids for mowing lawns and selling water. We have Trump as President. We might be going to war with North Korea at any moment even though we act like we’re cool, etc. Is any of this petty mess going to matter when the world goes to hell? No. So leave people alone for their weight. Everyone has a story and you don’t know it. How about trying to talk to them like a person?
Unless you are a doctor or a personal trainer that knows how to help them and can help them with their mental health to get them to a place of confidence, don’t bother them. Don’t tear them down. That mess isn’t cute and God has a way of humbling you. So watch out.
This blog was all over the place but this just happened today and I just think that some people need to have a heart. I don’t say or do anything with malice unless I am pushed. I also have to say that I haven’t had anyone stand up for me in a very long time so it was nice to have someone actually do that. Thanks to my sister for that. At least I got an apology but I really hope that my aunt thinks about her words in the future.
In my previous post I made regarding suicidal ideation when it happens, I wanted people to know how we sometimes feel. In Today Was Going to be My Last Day, I recounted how I felt at the moment so that I could remember and find a way to get over it. I also wanted to share that sometimes we can talk ourselves out of things. I have suicidal ideations often but just shut up about it because what can I do? Bipolar disorder is a curse that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. It might not be the worst mental illness to have but it sure does suck balls. Being Bipolar and Black is hard because we try to handle things on our own even when we’re drowning because that’s how we were raised.
Because I don’t get manic as a result of taking my meds faithfully, I’m generally depressed or just trying to fake loving life until someone or something kills me. I made a post saying that I was “teetering” on the edge on Facebook. I was really ready to go. People came on the post and checked on me. My sister, however (who will be known as the 3rd snitch) called me and asked me what my post meant. I told her how I had felt earlier that day and how I was ready to take every pill in my home because I didn’t know what I was going to do with my daughter for the summer and everything was just costing so much. That and my job truly not caring about its employees. And don’t get me started on not getting part time remote jobs that I have applied for. No one wants to pay for my writing which causes me to doubt myself as well.
My sister and I talked, and I told her I felt better after taking my dog for a walk, listening to Kpop, and just being in the sun. Being in the sun is really important to me and I sometimes just sit in the heat on the balcony with my dog. He loves to lay there with me and put his nose through the rail. He doesn’t like it when I go out there by myself.
Accepting Help
I was already feeling better but was writing the previous post to help people understand how it feels to be just totally down on yourself even though you know how much people care about you. I talked to my therapist the other day and she was saying that I needed to learn to accept help from people.
I understand accepting help from people, but it just doesn’t make me feel good. Why do I always need help? I’m literally working my butt off, feeding this greedy child, trying not to let this apartment turn into a hoarder’s home, and just make it through the day with all the changes that keep getting thrown at me, especially through my job. My job doesn’t care and that bothers me but helping other people while they are frustrated gives me purpose. So, I take solace in that. Helping people is my purpose. Maybe it’s why I’m still here even though I TRULY don’t want to be here.
The way this world is moving, I hope things end soon. Roe v Wade has me worried about my daughter, people continue to shoot innocent people up, and everyone is just hanging on by a literal thread. I mean, the rich people are probably good but the rest of us aren’t right now. Friends are getting put out by greedy landlords and having to get second jobs just to be able to pay to survive.
I Was Just Tired
And being tired and being a mother isn’t acceptable sometimes. Being a single mother is hard and I know people that are fighting more than I am. And, with the overturning of Roe v Wade, I saw how much many Black men didn’t care and actually laughed. Told us to keep our legs closed. Funny, people learn from their mistakes. Many lay in the beds we made. But yeah, that was pretty sad to see as well. As I said in my Roe vs Wade post about it, two people make a child, not one. A man can walk away. The woman can’t. However, I need to remember to be thankful for what I have and I am. When I am at my lowest, this is when I try to think of other things and what I DO have and my responsibility to protect my daughter from some heartless people.
I had made a Twitter post saying that I wish I could just go on disability but, if I think I’m broke now … yeah, that would be even worse. I make decent money and a lot of people did but inflation is trash and we’re dealing with a lot of other things right now.
Reading medical charts helps as well as most of the stories are sad and some people are just real fighters and won’t let anything take them down. In their own way, they inspire me. I will also say that the LGBTQIA community on TikTok has been EXTREMELY helpful to me. You want to hear about perseverance? Just listen to their stories. And so many of them are just beautiful souls that want to be free. Just like I want to be free of this world, they want to be free to be them and they can’t. They bring so much love, color, creativity, culture, etc. to this world and we don’t treat them right. And for what? They’re different. Just like what people do with their uterus shouldn’t bother us, neither should what people do behind closed doors. I will likely write a blog about my faves and what they have taught me. But that’s a story for another.
In the End …
I didn’t take all my pills although I had wanted to. The next day I mysteriously get money from two of my siblings that I said NOTHING to. Why? Because of Snitch# 3. Now we already know about the first two snitches that got me put in the psych ward in July 2021 and now we have this one. I am not mad. People are letting me know that they love and value me and I need to accept that. It doesn’t stop me from having these thoughts that I have to stay in this world until it burns to the ground. I really wish I could be manic so I could get things done. I understand why I can’t, but it doesn’t stop me from wanting it.
My daughter is going to her summer camp, and I was able to pay my rent on time along with some other bills that were going to have my phone and internet cut off. I’m working this week and next week like a fiend to get the rest of the overtime before there is none again. I’m really tired most days, have to make dinner, and just want to get in the bed. I would like to get 7 hrs of sleep daily but the screen goes grayscale every night at 10 and I see it happen. I’m supposed to be asleep but there I am. So, I listen to my guys on Small Town Murder to go to sleep (yes, true crime and James’ voice puts me to sleep. I will tell you guys about them soon as well).
Rantings of a Mad Woman 