I’m Going to Say This

Therapy Isn’t a CURE!

We all know that Will Smith hauled off and slapped Chris Rock. I’m not going to keep talking about this. What I will talk about is the fact that people keep saying “He needs anger management” and “He needs therapy”.

As a person that has been on meds and receiving therapy for 22 years now, therapy and meds don’t mean you can’t backslide. It’s hard for me to think that Will hasn’t been in some sort of therapy just by how he has carried himself for such a long time after achieving so much from a young age. Something had to keep him grounded.

There are Many Types of Therapy
https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/counselling.html#relationshipcounselling

Again, for me, I was seeing a psychiatrist and therapist for 22 years. I have backslid a few times. When I say I have backslid, I have gone to attack people. I have an anger issue and sometimes, when there is a perfect storm, you can backslide.

The first time I went to the psych ward 12 years ago, I had missed ONE dose of my meds and the result was bloody and put me in a psych ward for 5 days. There was a time when I had no insurance and had to space out the little bit of samples that a psychiatrist would give me to help until my insurance kicked in. Someone picked a day when I had to pee, we weren’t moving in traffic, needed gas, I was late to daycare for my daughter, and a woman (last straw) called me a bitch after she blocked me from getting to the gas station.

I admit, I got out of my car to drag her out of the car and beat her down. She didn’t have electric windows so she was trying to roll them all up because I was truly going to pull her out and stomp her. Understand me when I say, although I have come a LONG way, sometimes that perfect storm will make us backslide.

Triggers

I talk about triggers all the time but it took me TIME to learn my triggers. You have to learn your triggers and try to avoid them. Sometimes you can’t avoid them. I have to go out among the people even though some people are disrespectful and I know what I am capable of.

Because of this, I have to see my therapist and take my meds to make it so that little barbs that people throw at me don’t make me flip out (see: Knowing Your Triggers) . You can’t control others but you can do your best to control your response to the little things that people do. And there are some people that take your silence as permission to keep trying you.

You might be getting therapy but those incidents still sit in your head and you might have a mental tally (see: The Story of My Mental Illness ). There was an example that I gave where every time an aunt of mine saw me, she would comment on my weight. What she didn’t KNOW was that I was gaining all that weight (and am still gaining weight) because I was on Seroquel for bipolar disorder. Either I took those meds or I would still be a loose cannon.

Sometimes Meds No Longer Work

I just talked about Seroquel. Well, I previously have spoken about how I got diabetes from being on Seroquel after about 6 years or so. I got on it after my first trip to the psych ward in addition to the Zoloft that I was already on (they put me on Lithium as well but it just wasn’t working for me) 12 years ago. I started gaining weight but worked out 5 days a week so I was able to keep the weight down. But then, after that time, my body seemed to reject the meds. I no longer was able to sleep on it and, no matter what my diet and exercise was like, I was still gaining weight and got diabetes (see: So I Have Diabetes). I currently have it again right now but I didn’t update you guys on that. But yeah…..diabetes again.

In that situation and in this present one, we had to change my medication again. In changing your medication, you have to again make sure that it works. Because I have diabetes, I was taken off a new psych med that they had put me on in July after my second trip to the psych ward and we had to figure out what to do to help me sleep AND help with the diabetes as well as make sure that my bipolar depression was still under control. It’s so much fun!

Therapy

As I stated above, I have been seeing a therapist for 22 years. With therapy, you have to do the same that you do with medication. You have to adjust your appointments to your needs. At one time, I was going weekly, then biweekly. I even made it to once a month (before COVID). Once COVID entered the picture, I had to go back to biweekly as I needed more support and that after the first altercation I had with my new teenager at the time.

My therapy is more of talking about things I have done, am doing, how I could have handled it, what caused it. I have come a LONG way. I have been with my therapist and psychiatrist for 12 years. We had to change the occurrence of my psychiatry visits as well.

Quick Story

Many years ago, while I was on my meds, I was at my sister’s house in Woodbridge, VA. My sister and I look a LOT alike and she had just put a relaxer in my hair. She had a neighbor that liked to pick fights. My sister’s stepson had mowed the lawn and the neighbor was mad that there was grass on the sidewalk so he came out and started sweeping it up. I’m sitting on the porch literally minding my own business. I was letting my hair air dry. So the neighbor kept coming out and saying things. I said nothing. She thought I was my sister who is soft spoken. She didn’t seem to notice that MY hair was wet but my sister’s hair was dry. She just kept saying things so I was like “Okay” because she seemed to want a response. I let it go my magic number of THREE times. But then the woman said to me “Go back to the ghetto!”

The speed of which I came up off my sister’s porch would put a track start to shame. That woman ran in her house, slammed the door, and called the police. My sister ran up out like a track star as well and pulled me back. I was going into that woman’s house.

I was on meds. I was seeing a therapist. After that situation, I talked to my psychiatrist as well as my therapist and we talked about how I could have diffused the situation. I could have probably gone in the house but I like to sit in the sun and I was NOT saying anything to that woman and she just wanted to keep picking. A trigger of mine is being picked on. She got her three strikes in such a short time that I thought, at the time, she deserved to be beaten. I didn’t see anything but that woman and I was going to get her.

The police came and we were waiting for them. I didn’t get arrested or anything (I am not really afraid of the police. I have interacted with them a number of times and was kind of suicidal so this doesn’t bother me) and the police, my sister, and I just had a talk with the officer and all was well.

In the End….

Life changes and, when life changes, our stressors change. My job has a mental health specialist call me monthly and, although they were calling me after my July psych visit and focusing on my bipolar disorder, my last assessment showed that I also had anxiety as well. Next month, maybe I won’t have the anxiety but I think I will because, although we have “fixed” the issue with my daughter, now my job is going through a lot of changes, rent has gone up, and I can’t do overtime for at least two weeks due to the fact that I have a new supervisor and training for a new project.

Life changes EVERY DAY! We never know what we’re going to get hit with on a daily basis. I think COVID has taught a lot of people that nothing is set in stone and we’re all just living our lives day to day at this point.

Don’t think that just because you have gone to therapy for a few weeks, months, or years, that you are CURED from whatever is deep within you. The purpose of therapy is to help you learn the source of your issues, learn to cope with it, and continue to grow from it. It doesn’t cure you. One can backslide and it doesn’t make you a failure. It just means that you have to revisit the situation, look at other options, and make the necessary changes to decrease the chances of it happening again.

Things that seem petty to others sometimes have been sitting in us for years just ready to come out. I have said many times that the meds and therapy have helped me BUT, given a chance that someone chose to do me or my daughter harm, there is so much rage in me that I might do a lot of damage which is why I stay away from people. And, if I am in good company with people that know me and my condition, I have their support to hold me back.

All I am saying it to take things like this into consideration when it comes to things like mental health. Some of us will live with these issues the rest of our lives and fight to keep things from coming out of us on the daily.

Thanks for reading.

My Village

It Has Been a Rough Number of Months

One thing I can say is that I have never had to handle all of the things that I have been through alone. I have spoken before of my village and I love them for all the things that they do. Their support comes in many forms. Sometimes just asking me how I’m doing is helpful.

Sometimes a pep talk about how I should be proud of myself for how I handled a situation is good. Helping me set small goals so that I don’t feel like a complete failure is another way they help.

I’ve had people that have never met me or my child send money to help me out. People have spoken to me about how I matter to this world and to those that know and love me. People have praised me for being transparent and trying to help others that might be going through what I’ve been going through or just trying to extinguish the stigma regarding mental illness among POC.

Source: http://www.anndouglas.net/blog/2019/7/24/it-takes-a-village-to-raise-a-parent
Here’s a Brief Story

Two months after I got out of the psych ward and was still feeling pretty down, my sister had a party and her friend, Gloria, was there. We were sitting and talking as I knew she knew about my visit to the psych ward. I was talking about how I don’t feel and didn’t feel that my daughter needed me or would care if I died.

I was so unhappy that I cried all the way to my sister’s house because my daughter was still just not helping my mental state (not her responsibility, I know) and I was feeling extremely low.

When I made the statement about not being needed here and how my daughter wouldn’t care, Gloria started crying. She talked about how she missed her mother every day and that I mean more to this world than just being a mom to a child. She talked about the day she met me and how our little conversations on Facebook would make her smile. She said that I had so much more to give to this world and she wished that I recognized that.

Now, mind you, I have been face to face with her a few times but I didn’t think that our brief interactions had that much of an impact on her life. She really gave me something to think about and I did.

Facebook Friends

I have friends that I have never met as stated before. They read my blogs and offer words of encouragement as well as resources. Some work with kids with special needs or have kids with special needs themselves.

They don’t judge, they let me vent. That’s helpful. Many of them have been where I am now or are going through it as well.

I have known these people (mostly women) for as long as my daughter has been alive and some longer than she has been alive so they know the journey we have been through. It’s helpful to be able to talk and be heard unlike that dang on Special Needs group I was in that told me I was wrong because I referred to my daughter as a “broad” or something that definitely wasn’t a cuss word because I don’t call my child cuss words but I already talked about those people. I don’t need anyone to agree with me but, if I’m there to vent among people that are going through some of the same things I’m going through, let me vent.

Coworkers

You would be surprised how your coworkers can support you. My job has message boards for every topic and one is depression, resiliency, and mental health (I work in the healthcare field). We talk about things and one of the people in the group reached out to me via email and wanted to have a talk with me because he lost his son to suicide.

We talked about the mindset and the things that he thought he did wrong. I had to let him know that sometimes there are no signs. I know people that have completed suicide that seemed okay. And that’s because we put on a show. We put on a show so that people that care about us won’t worry.

And since we’re speaking of coworkers, don’t forget the two snitches. You know the snitches that had the police come to my door because I didn’t sound right via messenger. LOL It’s not like they weren’t right (see Tales from the Psych Ward (Part One). They still snitches though.

These women are going through their own struggles, one of which lost both of her parents in less than a year, and the other that’s just trying to live her life with her nutty cats. And they are going through a lot more to the point that sometimes I feel I need to shut up. But they tell me not to.

I fight so hard to be that person that people can vent to that I feel like I have lost that ability in their eyes. They know I’m dealing with a lot of things but I don’t ever want them to think that they can’t still talk to me.

Helping others really gives me purpose. It makes me feel needed. It gives me a reason to use my raggedy BS in Psychology. I feel like I kind of lost some points in strength with my friends. They know I’m a strong person and what I’m going through and I think they don’t want to add things for me to worry about.

Family

I think they’re still trying to figure this mess out. When my daughter and I had the altercation that time, my oldest sister was going to come and get her off the bus but I had told my mother about what happened and she came and got her.

I took off all last week and really did nothing. I think I could say I deserved that much. I don’t usually do things for myself and feel that I should devote my funds to my child and bills as that’s my job as a mother. I begrudgingly decided to do what my friends had been telling me to do; get my hair done. Usually, if I spend money on hair, it’s to get my daughter’s hair done. Of course, one of my sisters decided to CashApp me money to get my hair done (which caused a crying fit). Once I took a pic of my hair and put it on Facebook, everyone was happy that I finally had done something for myself.

They told me that I would feel better if I did something for myself. I do feel better. And, for that, I thank my village. We’re all out here struggling and sometimes we need someone to offer encouraging words, check on us, show they care, even give mean people like me a hug. Those things don’t go unnoticed and they help more than any of you can understand.

Neighbors

How could I forget those angels? They look out. The ones to the right of me are SpED teachers and they are very supportive.

There is a lady downstairs that loves my dog, Gary. When I had to fight my daughter, she came out, went back in the house to put clothes on, and came out to help.

Today she gave me some things to add to my daughter’s reward drawer when she has a good week of getting up and ready for school. She is very supportive. She even brought me wine one day. Gave me her number and told me to call her when I needed her. Same for the neighbors next door.

They all said “We have to take care of one another” and it’s true. Oh, another neighbor walked my dog for me while I was in the psych ward. She even gave me a discount because she knew it was an emergency. People care and that’s good to know.

I’m going to end it here before I start crying and stuff.

Thanks for reading and going on this journey with me. Thanks to my meds, therapists, friends, family, coworkers, and strangers, the journey will continue.

Don’t Speak on Kids with Special Needs Unless You KNOW

The IGNORANCE I Have Seen is Infuriating

A few days ago, it was reported that a 5 year old special needs student attacked a teacher and she had to be taken to the hospital with a concussion. I have friends that work in SPED and I have a child with special needs. I have been on the receiving end of assaults by my daughter before and after she was diagnosed with her moderate intellectual disability (I am getting her re evaluated soon after the last incident we had see: Another Altercation with My Daughter).

Here’s the story from NBC News: https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/5-year-old-attacked-teacher-lacked-intent-necessary-prosecution-rcna19351

Let’s Acknowledge Some of the Ignorant Comments I’ve Seen
  • “It wouldn’t happen to me because I’d be in jail”
  • “That kid’s parents must abuse him at home for him to act like that”
  • “He needs to go to a special needs school”
  • “He needs to be put on meds”
  • “His parents need to be prosecuted”

Notice that I said these are just some of the things that I have read.

As a Parent of a Child with Special Needs, Let Me Say This

I have been writing this blog for a very long time and I have addressed my daughter’s actions in the past. I am a 6′ 237 lb woman and I could easily take my child. But SPED teachers and parents have this thing called RESTRAINT. When we know what we’re dealing with, we have to restrain ourselves from fighting these children. We have to learn restraint techniques to hold them and stop them from hurting themselves or us.

My daughter is about 5’4″, 125 lbs but she is solid and I have her in Taekwondo so that she can defend herself but she has to know when it is appropriate to defend herself. She had no reason to defend herself against me, her mother, but she was triggered because she wanted a toy that I had no clue of at the last minute before the bus came. My inner soul told me I could push her down the stairs and stomp her BUT the MOTHER side of me and the MOTHER of a special needs child knew that I couldn’t do that so I got scratched up and kicked instead. My child is 16 and functions at the cognitive age of an 8 year old. Because I know this, even with the violence I have in me, I have to keep my wits about me.

Also, if you were to touch my child as a teacher, I might have to fight you and you don’t have a special need and you’re an adult. Not sure a teacher wants to lose their job over that.

To say that the parents abuse and neglect their child is a horrible generalization, especially if the child is ALREADY in a special education program. That must mean that something put the child in the program and that includes talking to the parents. My child has been in school since the age of 2 because she got kicked out of daycare and the provider said that I should have her evaluated by the school system. They put her in Early Intervention. She went to my elementary school but then, once she got to Kindergarten, they didn’t have a program past that so she went to another school that had a SPED program. I loved that school.

One week, I was getting calls every day because she was acting out. At that time, I had already gotten her a child therapist and psychiatrist. She was straight fighting the staff and even was taking her clothes off. At that moment, I took her to the psychiatrist and demanded that she get put on medication. The psychiatrist RELUCTANTLY put her on the meds. She was on them for a month and then I took her off because she became a zombie and lost a lot of weight. After that, however, she was fine.

In my thoughts of those incidents of her that week, I realized that she had just returned to school after they were out of school for TWO weeks because of a Spring blizzard we had. THAT was her trigger. And I learned to figure OUT her triggers by taking her to a child psychologist who talked to her and spoke about how to handle the things that might trigger her to have these responses. But, again, this is a PROCESS. The child in the story I am referring to is FIVE. We don’t know if the child has been diagnosed with autism or any other intellectual disability. We also don’t know what the parents have done prior to this happening. But I am not going to sit here and say that this child is neglected and taught violence off jump. You can’t do that.

Here’s how the process worked for ME:

  • Kicked out of daycare
  • Evaluated by the school system
  • Placed in Early Intervention at 2
  • IEP set up
  • Moved to SPED school in Kindergarten
  • IEP continued
  • Went to Kennedy Krieger to get an actual diagnosis (the schools cannot diagnose your child. It must be noted that my insurance at the time tried to deny the evaluation but KK fought it and got it covered)
  • Obtained diagnosis, shared it with school, updated IEP
  • Went to SPED middle school
  • Currently in SPED high school

It is a process. My daughter obtained at diagnosis at the age of 8. This child is FIVE. We don’t instantly have all the answers once we learn that our child has special needs and we don’t have all the answers when the child is diagnosed. We have to learn our child, their triggers, picking our battles, etc.

I have spoken on this a LOT (Having a Child with an Intellectual Disability WHILE Dealing with Your Own Mental Illness) and it’s not easy. But so many people have all the answers when they have never seen what it’s like to even work with children with special needs or live with them.

So let’s not blame the parents.

As far as the parents needing to put the child on meds, that might be the next step. My daughter is 16 and she might need to be put on meds but we don’t know yet. As a person that has to be on meds, I don’t want her to be put on them until she absolutely has to be on them because of her age and her mental development. She’s a teenager and… hormones. So she’s a teenager with the body of a teenager but the intellectual age of 8. That’s a lot for her so, I might have to put her on meds although the altercations we have gotten into were always caused by something.

The first altercation in her teenage years was over Doritos and continuing to talk when I was in a meeting. She even cussed me out. This happened when COVID first started (trigger). These things have to be LEARNED. They don’t come to us. It helps that I have a psych degree and try to think about what it was like to be a teenager. MY meds help too.

Now why do we want to prosecute the parents? I’m asking for myself. I mean, they could but they would have to prove that he parents really were bad parents. The child is FIVE. What about these high school students that attack teachers because they “don’t like” them or because they want to look cool?

With SPED, they need to be treated differently because they ARE different. The child was in a “cool down” room which already indicates that the child is in a program that fit his needs at the time. He was overstimulated and fixated on something. There isn’t a lot of information being given due to the child’s age (which is right) but the assumptions that can be made based on what we know is that the child IS in a SPED program already which means that the parents or caretakers already know that the child needs extra help. That’s truly all we know.

In The End

STOP speaking on what you don’t know. Unless you know that child and family, worked with children with special needs, or have a child with special needs, be quiet. You have no clue what it’s like. You have no clue what it’s like for the parents or caregivers either.

I hope that everything works out for that little boy, his family, and that poor teacher. A very close friend of mine has been hurt badly on two occasions by a child with special needs. It’s not based on her inability to be a teacher. Sometimes these children are extremely impulsive and just want to lash out because of something that we think is small. My daughter lost some beads on the bus one day, came home and took it out on the world as if that was the only set of beads in the world. In her mind, they were. We have to try to understand these children or we’re just going to go back to the past when we knew nothing and stuck the children in orphanages where they were left to starve to death.

Do some research on that. It’s horrible. We, as a people, have come a long way when it comes to people with special needs, young and old. Come with us and learn more before speaking. Go on Reddit or Google images of some of the things that kids with special needs such as autism have done to things and people. I have a girl. I have friends with boys that are bigger than them and I truly feel for them. They can do some real damage so don’t beat the parents up. They’re likely already beating themselves up already. Please do better.

Please Watch This Woman’s Story

https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=10156167888486350

Just watch this and understand how much parents have to think about and go through with special needs children. She mentions the fact that she has to think about what she’s going to do when her child is 180 lbs and starts to fight her and her husband. We have to abandon our dreams for our children. We constantly worry about what the child will do (they will always be our child) when we die. We care about our children. This is not an easy process and people have to stop vilifying the parents AND the children when you don’t know what is going on.

Credit: https://www.ncsautism.org/blog//another-rug-bites-the-dust

Another Altercation with My Daughter

A Warning From Jump

These are my raw feelings. Although no one is in immediate danger of harm, these were my thoughts at the time of and after the altercation. People that know me know better. If yall want to call someone and take my child, I mean, do your thing. I personally don’t like being assaulted by my own child and taking it like a punk but that’s life.

Have you ever had a dream where you’re fighting someone and you can’t do anything because the dream makes it so that you can’t fight?

Have you ever been playing a video game and the battery dies and you’re sitting there getting shot at and killed?

Well, that’s what it felt like yesterday when my daughter literally assaulted me and I had the power to defend myself against her attacks but chose not to. The cuts don’t really show very well in the pics but I can assure you that my daughter has not one mark on her.

When she was a baby, I fell with her twice and she didn’t hit the ground. Because that’s my job as a mother. But I will tell you that yesterday, February 28, 2022 was a day I don’t think I will ever forget.

I am off next week and will be talking to TWO of my therapists (yall know I have therapists because….bipolar disorder). So how did this little incident come to be? I might make this into parts as I am still really going through the motions and feelings that are all over the place because, if you KNOW me, you know I don’t let anyone put their hands on me.

This Time Was NOT Like the Last Time

I can tell you that we were already having a hard day because my daughter continuously said I was yelling at her when I definitely wasn’t as we live in an apartment and I don’t want to wake people up.

However, the child decided to move like a snail and pretty much be disrespectful. Then I go and look in the fridge and one of my Sprites is gone. This is a common point of contention and I tell her not to do it and her response is always “Okay, MOM!” But I know she’ll do it again. Now, I don’t ask for much in this world. I really don’t. I just want my Sprite every once in a while. I’ve tried the water in the bottle thing, doesn’t work.

She has her own juice that’s not even that cheap that she drinks and refuses to drink water so I put some water in her juice so that she can get a little bit of water at least. That’s not the point.

In addition to this, I paid about $150 to get her hair done in gel twists. This style is supposed to last at least like 3 weeks. She didn’t want the gel twists. Took them out. I was like “Okay”. I mean, I do try to do my best. I try to buy her clothes but, as I have stated before, she gets hooked on an outfit and will wear it every day and hides them so that I can’t wash them. It’s exhausting.

So the alarm goes off for her to go out in the hallway to wait for the bus. She keeps asking me if I’m coming (granted, I start work at 6:00 a.m. for overtime because….single mom). I tell her I’m coming and I go out there. The bus comes to get her at 6:42 a.m. She decided that she all of a sudden needed a stuffed animal (never seen it before, it wasn’t needed and she always tries to find reasons to go back in the apartment at the last minute for minute things). So she mumbles the question when the girl can speak just fine. So then I tell her “No” and she continuously asks me.

I’m like “Why are you going to ask me a question and then argue with the response?” She was sitting on the floor and she just kept being disrespectful. I told her to get off the floor (the floor is dirty and you have tan pants on, come on). She doesn’t want to and kicks my foot. I’m like “You’re really going to kick my foot?”

Then the Fight Started

She begins to kick me. Now I’m like “I know you’re not about to try to fight me in the hallway.” She gets up and starts yelling and I told her already that people are asleep and you don’t get loud even in the apartment. So she’s standing up now but she’s by the steps. Remember, I say often that everything is a weapon when I am defending myself. The steps could have very well been that weapon but I moved her away from the steps because she was teetering on falling down them and you don’t want to fall down those steps. So I move her away from the steps and tell her to just go ahead outside and wait for the bus. This is me diffusing a situation because I personally was triggered at that point Knowing Your Triggers. So she decides (and she was taught correctly in Taekwondo) to claw my face and kick.

I literally had to pull this child’s hair and hold her back from continuing to claw my face and kick me. I kept my hands open. I wasn’t going to punch my child.

One of my neighbors who knows about my situation came out in her night clothes and then ran back in the house to put clothes on to try to help. I was just trying to keep her away from the steps. My temper really made me want to just let her fall. That’s that old Kendra that’s unmedicated and I wasn’t trying to let that come out.

So she wouldn’t go outside to just go away from me. The bus was coming so I told her to go ahead and get on the bus. I literally had to push her out the door and close it. When I did, she punched the glass. Yes, she punched the glass. And, in that moment, I hoped she hurt her hand.

Call From School

The poor tech teacher got an ear full when she really just called me because of the clothes issue where my daughter was coming home with clothes but no one told me why. Then she said that Kie’s Chromebook was broken. Must have happened during our altercation.

She then told me that Kie was yelling that she hated her mother and she wanted to go home. She didn’t want to get off the bus and it was just a mess. So the teacher took her outside and talked to her. Basically, she said we had gotten into a fight. I was like “That is correct and I have the pictures to prove it.” She then said that they had to fill out a report and I said that was all fine and dandy. I knew I did nothing wrong. But I had to pay $31.00 for her replacement Chromebook (coming out of her bank account) and the teacher said that she knows that our apartment is a safe environment because she wanted to go back. She told the teacher that she wanted to go back because she thought I was going to kick her out.

Feelings

To say that I felt a lot of things is an understatement. I called my best friend after texting my family to let them know about the altercation. My best friend has teenagers and she knows. Granted, her two don’t have moderate intellectual disabilities or autism but they do have hormone and attitude problems.

She listens and she always just tells me to be proud that I restrained myself but I wasn’t proud. I really wanted to do harm to my own child.

Absolute RAGE!

One thing I pride myself on (and maybe this is more of a pride issue than a rage issue) is that I don’t let anyone disrespect me or put their hands on me. When I talked to my neighbor after Kie got on the bus, she said the same thing, “You restrained yourself. That’s good.” I restrain myself every day. I take my meds, I know my triggers, and I stay away from them. But what do you do when your trigger lives with you and is literally doing everything in their power to get you to the point of pissing you off?

And, yes, she is cognitively an 8 year old in a 16 year old’s body but she’s far from stupid. She is a calculated young woman and I have spoken on underestimating her before. Even my therapist that works with The ARC talks to me about this often. Even at a developmental age of 8, you know right from wrong. And I found out on Day 2 that she knew right from wrong. But that might be a Part 2.

I made a post about the altercation on Facebook and people really were trying to help me and offer kind words even when they didn’t know what to say and I truly appreciated it. But it didn’t get that rage out of me. I really wanted to do harm to her when she was out of my sight.

I usually don’t tell my mother about things like this because she gets really scared but I asked her to get her off the bus because I didn’t even want to look at her. At one point yesterday, my sister asked me about her and I told her that I didn’t even want to talk about or think about her. I was SO mad.

So my mother got her off the bus and took her home with her for a while. My parents talked to her and, when she came home, there was no apology. She didn’t feel that she owed me one. I can say that the last time both of us were wrong, both of us apologized, and both of us were truly sorry. This time, she came in with her head up, didn’t say anything to me and went in her room.

Heartbreak

When she came home and I was finishing up working at 7:00 p.m. (12 hour day), I drank some wine and started listening to soothing music to help me out because I still didn’t want to look her in her face. I sat at my desk and cried. I don’t know if it was the frustration, her total lack of caring, the fact that I felt it was unfair that I always had to do the restraining in EVERYTHING in my life, or hormones. All I know is that I cried a lot.

Suicidal Ideations

This took me back to July of last year when they put me in the psych ward for suicidal ideations. I was ready to eat all my pills and I had a lot (see: Tales from the Psych Ward (Part One)). What is the point of me being here? Is it to be abused by the one person I am supposed to love and protect? I got her those Taekwondo lessons out of fear of how this world would treat her when I am not around. I know she can take care of herself but people prey on people with disabilities and I don’t want that for her. People say that I should take the classes too and there are two older women in the class but I can’t do the rolling on the floor and forms are hard. I used to stay in the gym. Maybe this will make me get back on my treadmill and hit my weights again. I have them at home. Just no motivation.

My mom texted me this morning (Day 2) to see how it went and it went fine except that my daughter refused to look at the scars she had created. And she, again, knew she was wrong because she said “No, I’m looking out the window”. When I took her down to the bus today, I went to give her her protection kiss on her head and she pulled her hood down so I had to fight for it. It burned. But what I said in the texts to my mother about my own child were hateful because I still can’t fathom my child doing what she did to me and me just taking it. And why is everything so difficult?

I was already still mad about the whole situation and frustrated at all of this being a good mother stuff and she did that. I can’t wrap my head around being able to do some serious damage to that child and restraining myself to the point that I’m all marked up though.

People are checking on me and all. They gave me some resources for if this was to happen again. People are praying that it doesn’t happen again. I am personally praying that it doesn’t happen again because I can’t guarantee that I can forget this. I can forgive her. I know her disabilities. I know what I am against. But it doesn’t make me numb to feeling a certain way when I’m getting assaulted by my own child that I am very capable of treating like some woman on the street.

I’m still not in a good headspace and was having homicidal and suicidal ideations yesterday. I am calming down with the help of my friends and just trying to get over the frustration and what I feel is betrayal. I have to remember that my 16 year old is still a child with hormones and that her brain isn’t fully developed even for a “regular” 16 year old.

Doesn’t make it burn any less though. I can tell you that much.

Maybe I’ll feel better soon. I don’t want to eat all my pills today so that’s a plus. I haven’t really said much to her. She is still being fed. I did make her stand outside of the apartment door for a while today when she got home from school. She greets no one and I swear she thinks she got away with something and that makes me mad too.

In the End….

I’m still trying to sort my feelings out. My feelings really don’t matter as I am the mother and am supposed to be the bigger person but, if this gets old, I don’t know what I’m going to do. A person can only take so much and I don’t want to go to prison or the psych ward so it would probably just be easier to take myself out. The whole situation is unfortunate but I’m not going to be where I’m not wanted and I’m not going back to the psych ward.

Talked to My Therapist Today….I’m a Hater

I Don’t Lie to Myself or Other People

I have seen so many people doing and being what I can’t be and sometimes, I do get jealous. It’s an issue that I have to solve on my own but yeah….I mean, my therapist didn’t call me a hater or anything. I labeled myself that because it was glaringly obvious.

A lot of my friends and family have been going on vacations and I’m just here working and trying to take care of my kid and the animals. It’s like a whole second job just to be able to go on a vacation.

I don’t like parties and a bunch of people but I just want to do one thing…..go to a beach with pretty water and just be alone.

I can’t do that though because I have to make plans for the child, the dog, and cat. It’s more work getting to a vacation than anything.

I just want to see the water. I have gone and stood in water and just smiled to the point of almost crying. I just like pretty water and we don’t have that in the DMV. So I have to travel to get to that water. I went to Barbados once. Beautiful water. I need to just get a new passport at this point. I have to get one for my daughter too because I want her to travel as we didn’t when I was a child.

I am sorry that I am jealous of people for doing what they are able to do with the means they have but… sometimes I am.

People have houses and people to support them financially and I’m over here eating noodles and trying not to get on the pole because….well, I would break a pole anyway.

I will work on it. It’s a process. What can you do but lay in the bed you made for yourself? I try to do better for my child and it’s not really appreciated and that’s hard too. I got her hair done and she still won’t clean her room and she found a way to have her hair looking like Coolio but that’s another story for another day. I was just in a crappy space today. At least it was therapist day.

I’ll do better. Just thought I would share. Is it embarrassing? No, there are a lot of jealous people in this world. At least I have the balls to admit it so there’s that. And acknowledging the issue is the first step. I’ll do better.

Don’t Let Your Hate for the Kardashians and Your Pro Blackness Make You Miss What’s Going On

The Kardashians and Kanye (A Brief Note)

Many POC especially don’t care for the Kardashians as they feel that they only date Black men and are “culture vultures”. Some feel that they reached their level of popularity because of Kim’s sex tape. Some feel they are dysfunctional and that they really do nothing notable. I can’t say what I agree with or disagree with but I have heard a lot of this (and this is just some of the things I have heard) and everyone has a right to their opinion. What I do know is that they have more money than me and, whether it was because Kim laid on her back with Ray J and got coins for it, they’re still doing more than what I did or am doing at my age.

Kanye was a different story. Many people loved (and still love him) because he came from nothing and made himself into a powerful influence in the Hip Hop world. Everyone was playing his music. In 2005 with my daughter in my belly, I would dance to Heard Em Say before work. My daughter would kick. I played it when she was out of my uterus and she still knew the song. I personally loved the early Kanye and still listen to songs like “Gone” and “Drunk and Hot Girls” because I LOVE those songs. He told stories in his songs. He let us know about what it took to get to where he was and how much he loved his mother. When his mother died in 2007, that was traumatic (of course). He continued on with his life though and I always said (as a person with bipolar disorder) that he didn’t cope with her death in a healthy manner. No one listened as no one really seemed to care as long as he kept pumping out that good music.

2016

In 2016, two things happened to the Kardashian-West family that changed a lot of things. The first was Kim getting robbed in Paris. The second was the anniversary (for lack of a better term) of Donda’s death a month later. This is when Kanye had to be put in the hospital for his mental illness. I will only speak on the bipolar disorder as I have it and he has stated that he has it (although many people, including myself (I am NOT a doctor) speculate that he has other comorbid illnesses because these types of things don’t usually come alone).

When a woman you love is almost taken from you 9 years after the death of your mother, that weighs on you. Well, I believe it would weigh on anyone because I look at things from a psychological standpoint. When he had to be put into a hospital, he lashed out at Kim and started going off on social media about the family (all deleted). I wish I could have my phone in the psych ward but I digress. He lashed out at the people that cared about him. It could have been out of embarrassment, mania, denial, etc. but that’s what he did.

Believe me, there is a reason I am talking about this, it will make sense in the end.

The Divorce (?)

Listen, we know that Kim wants the divorce but Kanye isn’t trying to let that happen and this is where my title comes into play. I pay attention to social media and the opinions of groups of people.

In the beginning when Kanye claimed that Kim wasn’t letting him see his kids, a lot of men especially, jumped on that train about women not letting their kids see their children. The truth came out that he was allowed to see his children and that his tantrum was unwarranted.

When he claimed he wasn’t told where a birthday party was going to be, it came out that he had planned to have his own party and wasn’t going to come to the first one. The tantrums began to escalate and got to the point of threatening Pete Davidson in a rap. He began telling people to yell “Kimye” in Pete’s face if they saw him. He cut off friendships with people that were friends with Pete.

Next thing we know, he apologizes for his actions but then turns around and challenges the divorce that was filed. Then he quotes something he saw on a building AGAIN claiming that Kim is keeping him from his kids which is weird because we saw Kanye and North at the Superbowl. Here is an article from People magazine about it: https://people.com/music/kanye-west-challenges-kim-kardashians-request-to-be-legally-single-amid-divorce/

A KAR for KIM (okay, that was korny) It’s a truck!
How Entertaining Huh?

Oh the laughs I saw up and down my timeline. So funny. This is alllll so funny. We have men and women of color saying “Well, that’s what she gets for messing with him knowing he was crazy” (Dating a Person with a Diagnosed Mental Illness, Could You Do It? Should You Do It?) or men saying things like “They’re doing something to him.” And the whole time I said “It’s so much deeper than this and you guys won’t get it until it’s too late.” Some people even laughed because Kim isn’t Black so they don’t care. This has actually been said in groups I am in.

I have written many many blogs about bipolar disorder because I have it. So while we’re laughing, we’re forgetting who is impacted by this mess: the kids. He claims he’s doing this for the kids but who is he hurting? He claims he loves Kim but who is he hurting? It was reported that while at the Superbowl with two of his kids, North and Saint, he was BOOed (see: https://www.newsweek.com/kanye-west-booed-thousands-during-super-bowl-while-his-children-1678884 ) . Still funny?

We’re watching harassment play out and it seems that it took a while for people to understand it. We’re watching children in the middle of a mess that will traumatize them if it already hasn’t. Not to mention that bipolar disorder IS, in fact, hereditary.

This isn’t an issue of the Kardashians against a Black man. This is the Kardashians against a mental illness. This mental illness can take you places you never thought you would go. If you have a Reddit account, maybe go to the bipolar section and read some of the things we talk about. We talk about our manic episodes and I have even spoken about how I’d Rather Be Manic BUT I know what that would entail and I’m not trying to go back to the psych ward. It’s not fun for regular people like me. It shouldn’t be fun for anyone.

People then denied the fact that Kanye has bipolar disorder even though he himself said that he had it but his way of “treating” it isn’t acceptable. I have said previously that many people with bipolar disorder and other mental illnesses don’t take the meds because they don’t like how they make them feel. Many get frustrated with the process of finding the meds that work for them. Believe me, I have been there. BUT, at the same time, if you know you have a mental illness and choose NOT to do what you’re supposed to do to stabilize yourself, you can’t then turn around and use that mental illness as a crutch (see: Don’t Use Your Mental Illness as a Crutch).

The laughing is now dying down as more women are talking about how this could have happened to any one of us and we wouldn’t want a soul laughing. I saw a post in a group blaming Kim. It literally said “This is Kim’s fourth divorce and everyone is blaming Kanye”.

We Are Literally Watching a Potential True Crime Scenario Play Out

I listen to true crime. I love true crime. Maybe I shouldn’t because I wouldn’t want it to happen to me but I think I listen to it as cautionary tales. Sadly, this story reminds me of Nicole Brown Simpson’s story and I don’t want to make that comparison but it’s there and I’m not the only person that thinks that. These actions…these aren’t healthy actions. Kanye has been through a lot in life but those things seem to multiply big time when you have a mental illness that is untreated.

People are yelling “Well, where are his friends? Where are the people that care about him?” One thing I can say about the Kardashians is that it seems to me that they really are big on family and they care about the husbands and boyfriends of their clan regardless of whether they are still a part of the family or not. Kim definitely seemed to care when he was having an episode especially in 2016 to the point where he went on social media and got mad that she had a doctor flown out to him. One sad thing that I have also noticed is that they seem to pick broken men or are drawn to them. Many of us have been there. I know I have so I can’t judge them on that.

Sometimes (most times) when a person is in a manic state, it’s hard to talk to and get through to them, especially if they’re not taking their meds or getting the therapy they need. Treatment doesn’t always have to come in the form of medication but, for bipolar disorder, it usually does. A study came out last year regarding the reasons that people don’t take their meds and the main one that I have personally heard is that they don’t like how it makes them feel. I personally know this feeling and that’s why I communicate with my psychiatrist so that I can have my meds changed (see https://www.usnews.com/news/health-news/articles/2021-05-19/6-reasons-bipolar-patients-dont-take-their-meds). Kanye himself has said that it impacts his creativity. At this point, he needs to make a choice: creativity (you’re a whole billionaire, sir) or your family. If he keeps acting the way he is, the courts will make it so that he won’t get to see his children. I haven’t even touched on the messages he has sent to Kim (personal), screenshot, and then deleted. He is on a campaign to have everything that is actually important taken from him.

He has to understand that no one is doing anything to him. He is doing it to himself. But this is where other people speculate that he has other mental illnesses, the main one being narcissism. When you add that on, that’s a whole different world and even harder to break through when it comes to trying to talk sense to a person. I haven’t seen him claim that illness so I won’t say he has it out of respect. I don’t like people diagnosing people especially when they have no credentials nor actual experience with it.

In the End

Many women are now looking past their dislike for the Kardashians and some men are rethinking their opinions of their thoughts on children being kept from their fathers. When you look at the actions of those involved, mainly Kanye’s actions, one can’t deny the glaring fact that this is bigger than Kanye and Kim. Many are now saying that she needs a protection order. I’m sure the last thing she wants to do is be afraid of her partner but, with his history and illness, one can never be sure. She is going to have to worry about what he will do with their children, if he’ll return them, if he’ll hurt them to hurt her, etc. These are morbid thoughts BUT, as a mom, these are things we think about.

Yes, she has security and all of that but we have to remember that she was robbed before and there are some shady characters in this world that will do anything for a dollar no matter who they work for. I hate to be that person but we have to look at the WHOLE picture. This isn’t funny, it isn’t entertainment, it is about the children. I would also suggest that people do a little bit more research on mental illnesses. I have been writing about mental illness for a while as I have lived with it for 22 years now (fun, right). Feel free to read some of my other blogs such as Bipolar and Black, Let’s REALLY Talk About Suicide, and The Story of My Mental Illness.

Yes, I have bipolar disorder but I also have a BS in Psychology (too poor to go further). We need to get more awareness out there especially to people of color and ESPECIALLY to men. Culturally, our men tend to think that taking meds, seeing someone, or talking about your problems make you weak and tend to self medicate which is no better in the end. This is a common thought and we have to stop it.

I’m going to be quiet now. It took me a lot to write this as….bipolar. No motivation but this needed to be said.

The Aftermath – Part 2

After the Storm

My child comes into my room and asks me if I want Melatonin after reviewing the calendar to tell me what the next day was. She then went into her room and got on the computer I suggested she get on since her phone was no longer working.

Source: https://www.deviantart.com/crazy-killer-girl1/art/Jekyll-and-Hyde-673619344
Then Morning Came

I woke my child up as I usually do. I turn the light on and say “Time for school.” She jumps up, turns the light off, gets something, and goes to the bathroom (of course she slammed the door). Cool, right? I wish.

Ole girl refused to take a shower. I’m like “You need to take a shower and get ready for school.” She yelled at me that she didn’t have time to take a shower. As ole girl says from Frozen, I let it go. When you have a child with an ID (intellectual disability) or any disability, you learn when to pick your battles. Cool. You wanna stink and be known as the stinky girl at school, have at it.

THEN when I tried to tell her that her shoes were on the wrong feet, she said she didn’t have time for that either. Cool. I’ve stated in previous blogs that you have to learn a lot of patience, compromise, and how to pick your battles. No one was going to die from her not taking a shower nor walking around with shoes on the wrong feet (they were on the right feet when she got home).

When the bus came, she ran to get on it instead of getting her forehead kiss that I give her daily for protection before school. That burned a little but then she didn’t wave at me as the bus pulled off. Okay…..

Family Support

I let my siblings know about the details of last night and this morning (those that don’t read my blog) and one sister brought me a phone that she wasn’t using before going into the office, gave me a hug (even though I hate hugs), and told me she was proud of me. My oldest sister offered to come over on Friday after reading my blog.

Although I truly HATE to stress my mother out, she texted me and said she had been trying to call my daughter and couldn’t reach her so I told her what went down. She said she was coming over to get her off the bus and have a talk with her.

After school, my mother came over, talked to her, helped her clean her room, and discussed what she did. When I say that my child threw her phone and my phone charger at me, I’m talking about the big charger that you take out when you have no outlets. It’s heavy and could have messed me all up. My daughter told my mother “I gently placed it on the bed.” I had to laugh. She’s no dummy. Never has been one.

Social Media Support

A lot of my friends have kids that don’t have disabilities and some do. Many related, said I did well, that I was a good mom and that I could get through it. I thank them for it because it’s SO frustrating to literally have someone totally disrespect you when you have a history of violence and don’t let most people talk to you, throw things at you, or yell at you in regular life. People that know me know how far I have come. People that have kids with disabilities or without understand, especially parents to teenagers. I am very understanding of teenagers because I was one once and I do constantly try to put myself in her shoes as far as hormones and anger. I can’t put myself in her mindset as far as not accepting or understanding that I wasn’t sabotaging her phone. There is nothing I can do about that but attempt to explain it in different ways which I did. I do not have an ID.

Support Group “Support”

I literally went to an ID group to vent. I literally said “Just venting” and then told the story of what happened (briefly) and how I just kept it together and used the word “broad”. Someone took offense to me calling my child a “broad” and then told me to handle the situation with grace. This person was the administrator of the group. I was like “Do you know all the names that people call their children and you’re literally disregarding my venting to point out ‘broad’?”

Another woman told me I needed to learn to let things go. *sigh* Then another one tried to tell me that kids with ID are not like typical teenagers and that it wasn’t about her not “listening to” me. At that point, it was time for me to take my leave. Of course I know it’s not about her not listening to me which was why I tried to show her, explain, and give her other options to rectify the situation. My child was diagnosed in 2013. We have been to a behavioral specialist where I learned a TON, I have a therapist and a psychiatrist. My therapist just happens to work for ARC and mainly with older people with disabilities so she helps me as well. Somehow they assumed I was some sort of novice.

I literally write blogs about my experiences to help those that are new to this. I tell my experiences to let people know they’re not alone. Unfortunately, for some reason, they don’t allow people to post their blogs in there. Had they known a tad bit more about me or just stuck to the script, there wouldn’t have been any miscommunication. When a person says they just want to vent, let them vent. I didn’t expect that from a support group. So yeah , I bounced up out of that group.

I Have Been Meaning to Write About My Village

I have a huge village, many of which I have never met a day in my life. They are very invested in myself and my child. They know what we have been through. They have read my blog as well as my daughter’s blog. They have sent messages, done things for my daughter, done things for me, offered uplifting words, etc. THOSE are the people I need to talk to because that “support” group I was in…. just wow.

In the End

My daughter is an angel today. After her visit from her grandmother, she took a shower and I ordered a pizza as I was drained. She thanked me, got me some soda and brought it to me and is being sweet. This is how it happens. It doesn’t happen a lot and I know it’s hormones. I just know that I’m not going back to the psych ward.

Thank you all for reading and reaching out to me. It is appreciated.

Why I Didn’t Last Over a Week on Dating Sites This Time

Maybe I’m Just Stupid

Many years ago, I went on dating sites and had some experiences that were kind of good but mostly bad. But I was just really bored last week so I went ahead to Ok Cupid and Plenty of Fish Not sure why I thought things would be different but yeah…

Because I already knew that people didn’t read profiles, I made it extremely short and even put two of my blogs to tell them about my dating style (although I knew they would read them either). I put Things I Learned the Hard Way in the Dating World and “You’re So Pretty…. Why Are You Single?” A couple of people have read them but then they still want me to carry the whole conversation.

I Made a Mistake

I tell everyone, when they ask for my number or instantly give me their number, that I don’t give my number to people. One guy seemed really funny and cool so I made the mistake of giving him my number. People always say “You can always block the person” but I literally am one of those people that don’t want to do extra stuff. It’s just like my therapist who says she uses a Google number. If I have to do all that, is it really worth it?

But yeah, I gave my number to someone that doesn’t understand the concept of “I’m working 12 hr days” even though they have a job themselves. In less than a week, the dude “misses” me and makes my brain hurt a bit sometimes. Then he does the personal model mess that I HATE so I send extremely unflattering pics just to shut him up. Doesn’t work which makes me think there is something wrong with him or that he’s desperate. It makes me feel like dating is not for me and that I would really just rather be alone. Plus I’m not even feeling my best. If I am not feeling my best, I don’t need to be trying to be with or even entertain these people that instantly work my nerves by just not really having anything to say. I mean, they have NOTHING to say. They don’t talk to learn about you. They talk to tell you that they want to get close enough to have sex with you. That comes in the form of constant compliments and emptiness.

Today on Twitter, someone wrote that we should teach our girls that there’s more to life than male attention. I countered that we need to teach men not to continue to throw compliments as if we thrive off them. No matter what a woman does, the first thing that MOST men care about are the looks. It would be nice if someone commented on my profile with something in reference to what I said or even just asked me a question about one of my pics since that’s all they seem to care about.

There was one guy that posted pics but most of them were with women. So I asked him why he posted so many pics of himself with women and he said that those were the only ones he had in his phone. I found that to be interesting. I don’t know if that would draw women to you or push them away. I’m not a jealous woman and I wasn’t interested in the guy but just wanted to know the mindset behind the choosing of those pics. I think too much and analyze things but it just seems weird. It’s kind of like the guys that post pics with just crowds so you don’t even know who they are in the pic. Why?

In the End

I love love and I loved how I felt when I thought I was in love but, at the present time, I don’t think I have the energy enough to care about the thoughts, wants, and needs of someone that isn’t my child or animals.

People find love in their 70s and stuff. With my luck, that’s gonna be me and then I’m just gonna die or he’s gonna die right after I finally find him. Yay! They say not to look for love and I mostly don’t. But being bored that one day (or maybe just looking for more stuff to blog about) just made me remember why I would rather be single. I’m not lonely, just single. I truly like being alone especially if it means not having to be bothered with someone texting you so often that you just want to turn your phone off but then you wouldn’t be able to play your games on your phone. LOL

For my previous experiences with online dating (no clue why I thought it would be different but, thankfully, no one asked me to take pics of my feet), see Online Dating – Let’s Be Honest…. and Jeepers CREEPERS!!!! Thanks for reading! I’m off all week and out of Melatonin so I am thinking a lot. Gotta go pick some Melatonin up or some serious liquor.

The Aftermath

Almost Six Month Later….

Where am I now? Sometimes I don’t know if I’m better or not. However, almost 6 months since my discharge, I can’t say that much has changed besides my weight.

Every day I am gaining weight. My PCP and psychiatrist are working together to figure out a way to keep me motivated to even be here while maintaining my mental heath. One way is to help me sleep more. I have been told to take more vitamins as well to help me with energy.

However, I am still unmotivated as I have been especially because, like the time I was working out, eating right, and doing everything but still gaining weight, the cycle is repeating itself. To me, why work out and do what I’m supposed to be doing if I’m not seeing any results. So I will be seeing my doctor on Tuesday about a shot that will help me at least start. I am still pre diabetic (I kind of wish I had diabetes again so I could know the reason for this weight gain (see So I Have Diabetes)) but there has to be a reason that I continue to gain weight. It is very frustrating. The frustration doesn’t help with the motivation therefore, it’s just a stupid cycle of failure that I try to overcome on a daily basis. I tell myself every day that I will do better and I try but it doesn’t work the way I want. Yet I keep trying.

Family

Family is still family. They’re trying to be more cognizant of what is going on. When I came back from the psych ward, my family had cleaned my apartment, gotten rid of my daughter’s broken bed, gotten me a new microwave, and just did a lot because they knew some of the things that stressed me. Sadly, my daughter’s room was one of the biggest pains for me and I didn’t want someone to come into her embarrassingly dirty room and take down her dresser and bed.

Thankfully, my family took care of that. When my sister told me while I was in the ward, I cried. One of the assistants ran to my side with tissue because he hated to see a woman cry. I told him they were happy tears.

What people don’t understand is that sometimes we really need help but are too embarrassed to ask for it. Something as simple as cleaning is very hard. This weekend alone, I just slept. I finally willed myself out of the bed to clean the kitchen and do two loads of laundry. That alone took a lot out of me and I am back in the bed. Even with everything I have on my mind to blog about, I don’t have the motivation to even try to decipher all of the jumbled thoughts I have in my diseased brain.

Back to my family: They do what they can. They do what I allow. I need to learn to allow more. That is my issue.

My dad and my brother have not said anything about the situation. They don’t talk about these things. That is just the dynamic of my family. They don’t know what to say. I can understand that.

A New Village

Surprisingly, my neighbors have stepped up. I have one downstairs and a mother and daughter next door that have given me their numbers when I told them why I was gone. The neighbors next door had COVID and I had no clue. I had the daughter’s phone number and we communicated about packages if she needed me to pick them up but I had no clue they were very sick. We talked about how we needed to look out for one another so we text more often and even call sometimes.

The neighbor downstairs works a lot of weird hours and always yells about not being able to see Gary the way she is used to. She gave me some wine and told me also that we need to stick together as we are all struggling.

At This Very Moment….

My daughter’s phone is broken. I have told her that it’s not the charger but it’s the phone. Mind you, she lost her phone at school earlier this week and that stressed me. They found it and all was well.

However, because she doesn’t think that I know what I am talking about, she has thrown the phone and my charger at me no matter how many times I told her that it was the phone that no longer worked. She is in her room right now telling me to “Go to hell!” The last time she did that, we literally got into a fight (see: Having a Child with an Intellectual Disability WHILE Dealing with Your Own Mental Illness). She is also just calling me all kinds of names. You know what’s funny? I am doing everything in my power not to fight this child right now. She’s slamming doors and acting a fool. Gary is watching me to make sure I don’t get up and literally fight her. I’m just staying in my bed and typing right now.

The most I will do right now is probably text my siblings, coworker, and friend. I can’t call my mother because all she is going to do is stress herself out. This isn’t even what I wanted to type about but here we are right now.

I’m off all next week and have a lot of cleaning to do including her room as it is just a trash can. She’s mad but she has a computer and a Firestick that she can use. I fed that child and she didn’t even say “Thank you!” She literally snatched the plate and went in her room.

A person like me with that person inside that wants to come out and seriously hurt someone is having a hard time right now. But that’s what the meds are for. I’m just going to take my meds and mind my own business and now my dog is limping around but that’s a whole other story.

The Good Side

I’m off all next week, I cleaned the kitchen, washed and folded two loads of clothes, and wrote a blog. So I still win in the end. Hopefully that child will yell herself to sleep because I don’t have time for it. I’m not going back to the psych ward. Especially not twice in less than six months. F*ck that!

I’d Rather Be Manic

This mess is for the birds, for real. Being depressed and unmotivated gets you nothing in life. I’m over here gaining weight even though I work out. Feeling suicidal daily is fun and reading psychiatric charts makes it even more fun. People have some very creative ways of attempting but they don’t succeed. Therefore, I can’t follow their lead.

The things I used to love to do don’t make me happy anymore. I literally don’t enjoy playing my little games on my phone. I now feel as though they are a job.

I don’t think I can blame the new med. It’s supposed to help my current med work better. So far, it’s been almost three months and I don’t feel better. I don’t really feel much of a difference. I will email my psychiatrist about it.

Being manic gets more things done. I don’t even feel like writing very important blogs about feelings and conversations about mental health that I want to share.

I get in the bed and get mad. I throw my phone down in disgust and just go to sleep. I go to sleep extra early, wake up at around 2, and stay up and down until 5 when it’s time to wake up.

Kpop doesn’t make me happy anymore. I find myself missing my favorite podcasts and not caring about when they come out.

My words and thoughts might be manic at this time but it’s just the depression pouring out. And I haven’t even touched the surface.

Feels like drowning and then someone throws you a lifejacket filled with rocks because you’re already bogged down and everything is so heavy you can’t get up. Even my legs are heavy because I have gained so much weight.

This is all off the top of my head but this is how I am feeling. Again, I would rather be manic. I would be hyper and better at whatever goal I’m trying to achieve.

%d bloggers like this: