Why Lori Harvey’s Dating Habits Are NOT Your Business

Next to the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard debacle, which is still going on today, Lori Harvey and Michael B Jordan’s break up after one year of dating is now the topic of discussion in the entertainment world. I’ll break this all down for everyone because everyone doesn’t know who these people are so I will give a little background.

Lori Harvey

Lori Harvey is Steve Harvey’s stepdaughter with his wife Marjorie. She is a model, an entrepreneur, and a socialite. She has been rumored to have dated celebrities including P Diddy, his son, Future, Trey Songz, and others. She is now 25 years old.

Michael B. Jordan

MBJ is a 35-year-old actor, producer, and director that has been on the screen from a very young age. Many of us remember him from HBO’s “The Wire” but he has grown up to do many great films including playing Killmonger in Black Panther alongside Chadwick Boseman (may he RIP). His resume is long, and we would be here all day if I went down his resume, but he is known as a “good” guy and has even been People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 2020. He has been rumored to be dating Victoria’s Secret model Cindy Bruna, actress Kiki Layne, model Ashlyn Castro, and a few others that we know of.


When it was announced that MBJ and Lori Harvey were dating, of course there were mixed reviews. Most of the mixed reviewed painted Lori in a bad light due to the celebrities she had dated before MBJ. People said she was a hoe pretty much. That was the main thing that I personally saw from the masses. Many sites have the dating history of celebrities, especially when two start dating and they were pretty hard on Lori. There’s not much that I can say about the relationship, but that MBJ seemed to do well with her family, and they seemed happy. Many women were sad about it (as if they had a chance with the man) and many men just kept calling her a hoe and pointing to her past relationships. When they broke up recently and she scrubbed her Instagram of all the photos of the two together, we knew it was over. They stated that they were “heartbroken”, and people started questioning why they couldn’t just make it work.

At this point, I started looking at the responses to this breakup and seeing that all the vitriol was pointed at Lori. I began to ask myself why. Why is it that her breaking up with MBJ seems to be the end of the world? Why is everyone mad at her? Why are we making assumptions that we know the dynamics of their relationship? What variables could have played a part in the end of this relationship? Why does it even have to be one person’s fault when a relationship that usually consists of two people comes to an end?

Body Counts

For those that don’t know what a “body count” is, it is how many people that a person has had sex with. Everyone is harping on hers, assuming she had sex with the guys that we know of and calling her a hoe. I even got called a hoe and told that I was in denial if I thought that women could have a “hoe phase” and have children later in life (more on that later. Please believe that person got cussed out). In essence, everyone is worried about the people that she “might have” slept with but not really caring about the people that MBJ dated and “might have” slept with. Why is this?

Is it because we don’t really know the women he dated? I looked the women up and wasn’t familiar with any of them in all honesty. Is it because he is under the radar with his dating life?

And once I really do some reflecting, I challenge people to tell me what they were doing at Lori’s age? What were you doing in your 20s? Are you projecting your experiences onto her? I personally didn’t lose my virginity until I was 20 because I lived a very sheltered life (see I Was Raised as a Jehovah’s Witness: My Story). When I lost my virginity, I literally had a guy for every day. Now, how would anyone KNOW that unless I told them? They wouldn’t because the men I dated weren’t celebrities. So why are we worrying about what this young, beautiful woman is doing in her 20s when we were either doing the same thing or MORE? There just aren’t any receipts for our actions.

It’s acceptable for men to sow their “wild oats” but women are to save themselves for the “perfect man”. Women have to be married or no one will want them, especially if they know all the men they dated. And this was actually said on Twitter. It seems that mostly MEN have a problem with this breakup. I don’t know if they’re attracted to MBJ (not that there’s anything wrong with that. Happy Pride!) but why is this impacting them so much?

“She Had a GOOD Man”

My response is always that “good” is a subjective term. If he’s so “good”, and we determine the worth of someone (especially women) by if they’re in a relationship or married, why isn’t HE married? Why is it all on Lori as to why they aren’t married? The rumor is that he wanted marriage and she didn’t. If that is the case, what of it? They have a 10-year difference in age.

She can either make space for the next woman to appreciate him or waste his time and hers. But sure enough, if she married him and things didn’t work out, guess who would get blamed. And why is that? Because people are still worried about the men that she dated in the past. Does she have children? Does she have an STD? So why does her past (sexual or not) matter? Nick Cannon out here having a bunch of kids, Future as well but you don’t see people mad about that. They just say “Well, as long as he takes care of them” and then continue to blame the women that have the babies with these men. Women can’t win and I really don’t think a lot of men like women or even like their own mothers.

Who is Lori actually hurting here? Who? Maybe she will regret it when she gets older but that’s HER business.

My Personal Story

When I was in my 20s, I got engaged to a VERY good man. He was good by MY standards, and he still is a VERY good man. He’s married now and happy and I am happy FOR him because, honestly, I wasn’t shit as a woman to him. I was young, just got my cherry popped, had no kids, was selfish, and had never been married. He was eight years older than I, divorced, with two little beautiful girls (that are now BEAUTIFUL, intelligent, women). We didn’t have much in common but I was there for him when his wife left him and took the babies. I was there when he cried and contemplated suicide. I was there because I genuinely cared about him. I was there when they got divorced. I was there when he lost a job and he was there for me as well. We were good together but, when I got the ring, I thought the work was done. Yup, dumb. That was my bad. And I got my Karma in the end.

I didn’t deserve him, and I tell people this all the time. When we broke off the engagement, I was 24 myself and everyone assumed HE was the cause of the demise of our relationship. No, it was me. I wasn’t a good girlfriend. I had even cheated on him once and he took me back, but the trust was gone. In MY case, I was trash. Also, in MY case, I had attachment issues as I have discussed previously. I wouldn’t allow myself to love him and he deserved better so that’s what he found. And not long after that, I was pregnant by another man. A deadbeat. Whose fault was that? MINE! Who lives with that? ME! Whose business is that? MINE! So why are we so worried about these two people that were together for a year and decided it wasn’t the right fit? And why are we assuming things when we weren’t in the relationship?

I don’t want to take it there but let’s refer back to our assumptions about Johnny Depp. Because he was a man, he was supposed to be the assailant, but he wasn’t, Amber was (don’t debate me, I watched that whole trial and blogged about it). We can’t always assume things about people. People can present a certain way for the masses but be different behind closed doors. We also don’t know what conversations were had between the TWO of them prior to making their relationship official. For all we know, she could have told MBJ that she wasn’t interested in something serious. The same way some women try to convince a man that he is ready for marriage could be the same thing that happened here. “Oh, I bet I can make her want to marry me” or “Well, I’ll try as long as it takes” but then we laugh at women in 7-year relationships with no rings. Can women do right?

Why are we going by her past but ignoring his? Do we KNOW her based off who she dated in the past? And, again, she is TWENTY-FIVE YEARS OLD! What were you doing at that age? I had my daughter at 26. I have worked in infertility. I know the stories of a lot of these women. They have things they want to do before they settle down and have kids. Some freeze eggs or embryos and some get a surrogate. And that’s ASSUMING she even wants kids. Believe it or not: There are women in this world that don’t want marriage nor kids. It happens.

Getting Called a Whole HOE on Twitter

Oh yeah, I muted that conversation after I told them that they shouldn’t assume nor generalize regarding women because they were talking about women being fat and not getting a man. I’m like “But I know some that can pull a man and marry them. But what does that have to do with their worth and what do YOU look like since you have all the answers?” So, because they were generalizing and making assumptions, I told them that I would join in, called them all a bunch of incels, and muted the conversation. I’m too smart for that stupidity and I know for a fact none of them would say that mess to my face because … well, I hit people and other stuff.

I just don’t get why we’re talking about a woman being a hoe when men are hoes too if we want to be fair (but life isn’t fair, especially for women).

What Should Lori Had Done in YOUR Eyes?

Because we don’t know the story behind the breakup, not a soul can say what they would have done. It’s fine to have an opinion on things but vilifying a young woman whose shoes you aren’t walking in (and probably couldn’t even afford to walk in) ain’t the business. Calling her a hoe for leaving a relationship that wasn’t the right fit for HER isn’t your business. It’s like we’re telling women that they don’t have a choice in the matters of their own heart. I get it, we have a biological clock and a certain number of eggs but it’s our business. I get that he is attractive, so is she, but that doesn’t make them perfect for one another.

Also, we talk about how people only go after people for their looks but looking good doesn’t mean you’re a “good” person. There are a lot of attractive people in this world that aren’t the best at certain things. That was me with my ex-fiancé. I was pretty (still am) but I was stupid. You live and learn. But the thing is: this is her life, and she has to live and learn like the rest of us. Like I said before, she can either live to regret it or keep on stepping in her freedom. But it’s not our responsibility to shame her for making a decision (with the other party in the relationship) to go her own way. It’s also not our place to worry about who she is (or rumored to be) in a relationship with.

Every single day that we are on this earth from birth to death, we learn, and we grow. If we expect people to treat us with that knowledge, we should do them the same courtesy. I know she probably doesn’t care what people on social media say but we need to stop doing women the way we do them. It seems like we literally cannot do ANYTHING right. Reflect on that. I asked not too long ago what the world would be like if women just didn’t exist anymore and the few that answered pretty much said they wouldn’t care and that they would just die out as if our only reason for being here is to help procreate. That saddened me. We aren’t respected. When we make the right decision for us, we’re stupid. When we make the wrong decision, we’re stupid. We can’t win.

I Know You Want a Conclusion

I’m done with this rant, but it had to be said. I swear y’all hate women. Even some WOMEN seem to hate women and I don’t know what made you like this but it’s sad. It’s just sad. As if we don’t have enough to deal with. Let’s just tear women down even if we’re women. I guess it makes people feel better about their lot in life. Maybe one day they’ll learn. Like I said, people learn and grow every day and sometimes life has to humble them to make sure they learn and grow. I know it did for me.

Please read my other blogs. I have been writing blogs for 8 years (on and off) and a lot of them are still timely. I’m trying to be somebody. LOL And sorry for my tone BUT this is Rantings of a Mad Woman. Sometimes I do get mad. And share but I’m not arguing with a soul in the comments. I don’t argue with people. I’ll have a respectful debate but once people start acting ignorant, gotta exit.

How Stranger Things 4 Got to Bipolar Me


No Spoilers, I Know!

As usual, Stranger Things didn’t disappoint (Part one of Season 4). They say this is not the last season, but they could end it and I would understand. One thing about U.S. TV shows is that we have a million seasons of things that probably should end sooner than they do. The kids are growing up but if they wanted to make a spin off, I would gladly watch. But that’s not even what this post is about.

In the very last scenes of the first half of Season 4, there was a dialogue that I had to write down because it is how my diseased mind feels a LOT, especially lately. This world is going to hell. It has already been established. Nothing is going to get better; I know that we’re supposed to think positive, but one can’t be positive when all you see is the same thing happening over and over again but getting worse each time. Or at least that’s how it seems to someone like me who is bipolar with suicidal ideations (they come back sometimes and I’m almost at a year of being out of the psych ward).

What Was Said?

Humans are a unique type of pest multiplying and poisoning our world while enforcing a structure of their own. Where others saw order, I saw a strait jacket. A cruel, oppressive world dictated by made up rules. Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades; each life a faded, lesser copy of the one before. Wake up, eat, work, sleep, reproduce, and die! Everyone is just waiting for it all to be over while performing a silly, terrible play day after day after day. – #001

I Feel This … Why?

I tell people that I have a diseased mind and I do. Regular people don’t really think like this. They try to see the good in things. I try to do this, but I am constantly disappointed by people to the point that I don’t even really want to interact with them in person. Granted, I have very understanding and trustworthy friends but I trust those few only.

The truth is I do exactly what this man said: I wake up, eat, work, sleep, reproduce and wait for death. I don’t want to be here, but I know that I have to be here until I am taken away. So, I perform this “silly, terrible play” every single day because I am expected to by society. You can’t even swallow all your pills without the police coming to stop you from doing it. So, you just have to grin and bear it hoping that someone takes you out instead of having to sit here. My dad has the same feelings. I talk to him about this because we are the same in this regard. However, we have genes that don’t make that possible. I have aunts and uncles on HIS side that are in their 90s and one that turned 100. We’re screwed.

As my therapist always tells me “God has a sense of humor”. Those of us that don’t want to be here are going to be here for a long time. We wish for death, but it won’t come; at least not when we want it to come. So, we sit and wait. I have spoken in my older blogs about how I used to wonder why no one shot and killed me if I didn’t live in the best area. One day, I tried to step out in front of a car in Bethesda and a stranger pulled me back. I thanked her and cursed her at the same time. Society wants us to be thankful for life but many of us are just here because we’re supposed to be here.

We serve some purpose, or someone just wants to see us suffer. I don’t know which it is, but I guess I’ll just be here until someone or something blows us up or I die of natural causes. I also noticed that I have gotten used to struggling. I figured this out at work actually in a group. I was told that no one should get used to or be comfortable in struggling. When that is your life, what else can you expect? It becomes your reality and, when you feel powerless, you just accept it and just live with it. Even when you try to do better, things don’t get better. And this isn’t just something that you can make go away by thinking positive. When you have a brain like mine, you want to think the best, but you get disappointed so much you just have to be a “realist”. This is how you protect yourself from disappointment. It is a defense mechanism of sorts.

Sadly, There’s More: Fear

Because I have wanted things to be over so much, I now have a fear of being happy. I have always had a fear of being left alone by someone that I absolutely loved so I didn’t allow myself that privilege. I really have to tell you guys about why I let a very GOOD man go. I self-sabotaged because I was not only afraid of being happy, but I was afraid that something would take him away from me. I allowed someone in one time, and he broke my heart so bad I never tried again (I accept that as Karma in all honesty). Single by choice. Why? Because, with my luck, I’ll marry him, he’ll get cancer and I’ll have to watch him die.

I also now have a fear that, when I’m happy, all the death that I have been wishing upon myself will come to fruition and I won’t truly get to experience pure happiness. There is no one to blame but me and my broken brain.

But … these are the thoughts of a mad, suicidal, bipolar woman. This is just a slight glimpse into the mind of someone like me. Remember, my thoughts are my thoughts. I am not a representative of anyone else with my mental illness. But these are my thoughts. I don’t expect these thoughts to make sense to anyone. But they’re certainly thoughts, aren’t they?

The End?

But First, An Apology

I apologize for my absence when all the entertaining things were happening in the case. I had recaps written for each day but the babies in Texas broke my heart. They literally broke my heart, and I couldn’t write because I was trying to find out how to explain what happened to my daughter and how to cope with the loss of those little angels myself as well as their heroic teachers. I couldn’t laugh or make fun of the stupidity that was Amber Heard and her case. I’m sure everyone understands if they have a heart.

I will be writing about that subject and some of the ignorant things that people without children said before those babies were even buried. However, that is for a different time and a different mindset. May all those children Rest in Paradise and I pray for their families because I don’t know how they are coping with this. As for the survivors, I truly hope that real therapy is provided to them because this right here is the beginning of real PTSD, and I pray for them to persevere through this tragedy.

I Can’t Even Give You the Days Anymore

Day 21 through Day 24 were a hot mess. The biggest hot mess one could ever hope for, and everyone was here for it. I still don’t know how people were taking Amber’s side, but I can only hope they will see the error of their ways. With the amount of lying she did on the stand, I wouldn’t believe her if she told me I was Black.

I do believe that on Day 21, we learned about the Goldwater Rule and Ethics. There was a very posh psychiatrist that got up on that stand and made the crazy psychiatrist look like a total fool. Now, remember, I had complained about the fact that Dr. Spiegel had made a lot of accusations against JD without actually evaluating him as the other doctors had done with AH. I felt that it was wrong and unfair. And just when we needed him to descend from his throne with the APA, our grand rebuttal witness, Dr. Richard Shaw, came and set the record straight. What Dr. Spiegel had done was unethical and it really didn’t help AH’s case at all. It seemed as though all her witnesses and the people that were “helping” her were a reflection of her. Dr. Spiegel literally came undone on the stand and people have been making fun of him for a while about it. I’m not sure he will even have a job after this.

What Is the Goldwater Rule?

According to Psychology Today, it is a rule that says you cannot speculate on the mental state of public figures. This is exactly what Dr. Spiegel did when he said that the man would hit a woman because he fell asleep with food in his mouth. Well, I was on Seroquel (as JD was at the time) and would fall asleep with food in my mouth often. Why? Because it is used to calm your thoughts so that you can go to sleep. In my case, I have bipolar disorder and needed it so that I could go to sleep and not stay up all night which would cause me to become manic. With it being a sleep aid, you had to take it before you went to sleep. When you did that, it would make you hungry. It would take EVERYTHING in me NOT to get out of the bed and find something to eat. So when I tell you that I would fall asleep with food in my mouth, yes, that is what I did. When you sleep right after eating, guess what also happens: You gain weight. And I certainly did. I got up to 248 lbs because of Seroquel but I already talked about this. It was a great time when I got medication induced diabetes. Oh, the memories!

So, yes, the Goldwater Rule says to shut up when it comes to public figures especially when you’re judging based off movies. I found that to be interesting. This guy really based his judgement off movies JD had been in, the fact that he doodled, and ate candy or chewed gum during the case. I might just have a measly old Bachelor’s in Psychology but, if one were to look at his medical records and his medication list, they would see that he has ADHD hence the Ritalin and nicotine dependence, hence the gum. That man had to be fast to be on Ritalin and Seroquel and just jump up off couches to constantly beat AH. JD is also a smoker; the gum was for that. So the doodling, eating candy, and moving around were parts of those already established diagnoses. But what do I know? I just have a CPC (Certified Procedural Coder) behind my name.

Another Angel – Kate Moss

As beautiful as she was when she first got into modeling, Kate Moss was the first witness on the stand on Day 22. Why was she there? Because the habitual door opener (AH) claimed that JD had pushed Kate down the stairs. Kate Moss wouldn’t have even been in this had AH not made the mistake of claiming she hit JD because she thought he was going to push her meth head sister down the stairs as he had “pushed” Kate Moss.

Kate Moss’s testimony was short and sweet. She told the story and kept it moving. They didn’t even cross examine her because they already knew it was pointless. Kate Moss said that JD had gone downstairs, and a monsoon of sorts occurred while they were vacationing. She was coming down the stairs and literally SLIPPED and hurt herself. JD ran to her side, carried her back into the hotel room, and got medical help. The end!

When AH was questioned about why she would say something like that, she claimed that JD told her that and then she started rambling off that it was a rumor that everyone had heard. It was a serious blow to her credibility. They even asked JD about it on rebuttal, and he said the same thing. JD had no beef with a soul except for the bitter Ellen Barkin who is still mad that he chose to break up with her. She wanted to join in AH’s reindeer games and ended up looking stupid. Her testimony was worthless because he was never violent to her. He threw a bottle, didn’t hit her. What was her point again? Oh, to let the world know that he was her sexual partner at one time. She made that part known and not a soul cared.

Hand Surgeons

I can’t tell you how worthless this was. There were three hand surgeons total that testified. We had the one that was there when it happened in the ER, one that handled the surgery and rehab, and then a rebuttal witness that said that the injury didn’t occur as it was stated. I really can’t say that I cared about anything but the fact that no one is going to hit someone with a cast when they have a pin in their finger trying to hold things together. I had a nice hand injury from severing tendons in my two fingers. I wasn’t trying to hit a soul. The man plays the guitar. Why would he want to prolong not being able to do one of the things he loved to do the most? Even the treating surgeon during recovery said that there was no damage to the cast so hitting anyone with a cast was out of the question. I threw this in because I literally forgot about them because the testimony was unnecessary. However, there still are AH fans out there that don’t believe anything and everyone is paid off and a liar.

Dr. Curry v Dr. Hughes

Of course, they had to do their rebuttals. Dr. Curry was first, and she defended her stance on her diagnosis of AH. She didn’t lie. If people really listened to her and then turned around and watched AH, there was not one lie told. The Defense wanted to play games with the type of tests rendered but they forget that both of these psychologists had different specialties. Dr. Curry specialized in PTSD and had worked with people with serious PTSD. The scores that AH secured were higher than that of someone that had seen combat. She checked every box presented to her so that she could play up her problems and diminish her own flaws. There is a reason that those tests are set up and worded the way they are. As you can tell, I agree with Dr. Curry.

Dr. Huges came up and was VERY combative. You see, her specialty was Domestic Violence which I found funny because she rated her on PTSD. Her interviews with AH, family, and friends, didn’t seem to paint the whole picture to me because why are you asking them questions? Not only that, but the questionnaire that was given asked her about a specific time frame when she was no longer with JD. I had pointed that out in my previous post as well because I have taken those tests. They do them for depression, anxiety, etc. And, when they do them, they put a time frame in it. So, in my case, I talk to a SW every month, but she will ask me “In the last two weeks, how often have you felt…..” If Dr. Hughes did her interviews with AH in 29 days and had questionnaires like my example, she was no longer with JD so how could she score high in the PTSD?

This is what the lawyers also pointed out and Dr. Hughes was just pissed so she served no purpose. I found it to be quite entertaining.

Baggage Claim Lady, TMZ Owned Elaine, and The Trailer Brawl

There were more people that came up that had seen something. TMZ was trying to get one quashed to no avail (and we threatened TMZ too). But the first was the baggage claim lady who saw AH and her ex-wife get into it at the baggage claim. She went over to assist because she saw AH pull a necklace off her partner, but they said they were fine. Nothing came of the claims from what I read. Everything was dropped but she was just a witness to violence on Amber’s part and really didn’t have a dog in the fight. Elaine started getting a little feisty and thinking that people were doing things for 15 minutes of fame. She got her little heart broken when called out on it.

That’s right, we got Mr. Tremaine who got up on the stand and said that the only way they can play any video is if they have proof that the person that sent it has copyrights to it. He also showed that they got a cut video as opposed to the whole video that was presented to the court. In addition to THAT, he stated that TMZ was informed that AH would be at the courthouse to get that TRO and that she would have a whole bruise on her face (but remember, no woman walks out of the house with a bruise on their face). Elaine wanted to get feisty and claimed that Mr. Tremaine just came on so that he could get his 15 minutes of fame. That was her new thing. Who knows who taught her that? But Mr. Tremaine said, “The same could be said for you in taking Amber Heard on as a client.” OOPS!

Everyone did say that he looked like Draco and, although I am not a Harry Potter fan, I did get a laugh out of it.

Now Let’s Talk About the Trailer Guy

This was some hot tea. Elaine was trying to get that man off the stand as fast as she could because they had seen that he had made a comment on Twitter (everyone went and followed the Umbrella Guy and Mr. Night because…why not?). Elaine doesn’t understand Twitter though. She accused him of following the Umbrella Guy who supports JD. However, you don’t have to follow someone to comment on their post. I thought I would just point that out. If someone you follow makes a comment on someone else’s post that you DON’T follow, you can comment in most cases. So that went out the window. Elaine then got back on her 15 minutes of fame horse when she wasn’t able to get him dismissed because they had found out that he had prior knowledge of the trial although he hadn’t been following it. JD’s lawyers reached out to him to find out how much damage was done to the trailer and if it was as bad as AH had let on.

Trailer dude said that JD was happy and being cool and that AH had the attitude problem. He also testified that the only damage to the trailer was a light fixture that he fixed and charged JD about $60.00 to replace. So where was all the carnage and where did all the abuse take place? Where were the pics of the bruises on her neck if she got choked out?

Of course, Elaine tried the 15 minutes of fame thing again, but it was old. She should just throw that defense out. I think she learned her lesson after that.

Forensic Software War

There was a forensic software war, and it was kind of funny. The first expert came on JD’s side and explained that the pics that AH had taken were altered to make her “injuries” look worse. Why do I believe this guy? Although he only has a degree in Political Science, he had a ton of experience in forensic software and had even had government contracts. You can’t just get those so that gave him a lot of credibility.

Amber’s people found a rebuttal witness at the local 7Eleven and got him to talk about the very metadata that they wouldn’t allow JD’s expert to talk about. I found that to be interesting. I also found it hilarious that they made it a point to state that this rebuttal witness had a degree in computers but, sir, you don’t have a government contract which usually comes with security clearances, but we’ll let you think that your degree trumps JD’s expert’s credentials. He gave nothing to the case. We were supposed to think that this dude they found in the Best Buy knew more than the first expert. He didn’t.

Recalling Johnny Depp and Amber Heard to the Stand

This blog is extra long this time but I’m going to make it short. JD got on the stand and talked about how this impacted his family, how he just wanted his reputation and his life back. And the WHOLE time he was up there testifying, that whore of a skank was rolling her eyes and laughing at him. What kind of sick person would do something like that? Yet you’re the victim. Yet you’re the one that got hung out to dry.

Amber gets up on the stage (yeah, I said stage) and starts saying that she hasn’t been laughing and smirking like JD was (although she JUST was when he was pouring his heart out up on the stand). She claimed that she wanted her life back too. She was getting death threats and people were saying they wanted to put her child in the microwave. There are stories that debunk that, and her social media is literally locked down. To this day, you can’t comment on any of her social media so I’m not sure how that came about. The most I have EVER seen anyone say about that baby is that she needs to be taken away before she is made a victim as well. People care about that baby and hope that AH gets help, but she says we want her and her child to die. Because we can’t believe a word she says, I’m just going to let those claims go.

She also claimed that dating her comes with rules so that she doesn’t have a panic or anxiety attack. She stated that, even on the set of Aquaman 2, she had panic attacks when certain scenes and things triggered her. I find that interesting as she had James Franco in the elevator with her snuggled up. Did he get those rules after she got the locks changed so JD couldn’t get into his own penthouse? I wonder.

Closing Arguments

I’m going to make this short too. Amber, in her little plea, let it slip that she did write the op-ed about Johnny, but she didn’t think anyone would know who she was talking about. I don’t know how she didn’t think anyone would know who she was talking about when she made it a point to have TMZ there while she went to get that TRO with that bruise she painted on her face. And who else was she married to that was a man that had power? Bottom line: Everything she said, even with her evidence against JD, showed that she wasn’t the victim as she claimed. All she could do is take pics of things that didn’t matter at the time. If the man was asleep all the time, why not take pics of your bruises after he passed out? I literally had an altercation with my daughter (she has special needs), and she scratched me up. Guess who took pics of my scratches. I’m no fool. I don’t need CPS coming for me.

If this man raped you with a bottle, where were the medical records? We don’t need to see a pic of your vagina, but we do need medical records. Her friends never really SAW anything; they always showed up during the aftermath. And none of the people that were witnesses (and were deposed with a grimace) were still friends with her. That has to tell you something.

The only thing that Elaine and Rottenbutt could really say was that JD had a drug problem. We already knew that and most of us thought that she made the problem worse. They claimed that JD was losing his clout in acting because he was late and drunk all the time. However, it was stated that producers and directors knew that this came with JD and accepted it because he was a talented man. The only things they could keep bringing up was drug and alcohol use. They kept trying to use the texts against him as if people have never said some hateful things about their exes. One wouldn’t want to see the things I have said or thought about my daughter’s deadbeat father. When you are mad and you are hurt, you say some things, but you don’t act on them. And JD never acted on them. Beating up cabinets and throwing things is a way not to touch HER when she is pissing him off. Walking away to his “15 houses” is a way to avoid hitting HER.

Of course, they then tried to play the death threats card as well as the fact that she HAD pictures but they weren’t good enough for us. No, they weren’t good enough or us because she took them days after the “incidents” took place. The UK got this totally wrong and were just really messed up for not allowing JD to present his audio and visual evidence. That’s the only way AH actually won that case in addition to the fact that the judge had a conflict of interest and presided anyway. SMH

Johnny walked up out of that courthouse and went on to live his life. That’s all he could do. He put his life in public to show the world that men can be abused too and that sometimes there are spiteful women out there that do some messed up stuff. Every day that JD came to court and left, he played this song by Bob Marley “War” and I respected him for it. He held up a coin to one of the deputies and we still don’t know if it’s a sobriety coin or if it’s a coin that someone from law enforcement gave to him. This would be the last time we saw JD in Fairfax before the verdict. He did his part and he had to let the chips fall as they may.


Johnny won on all his counts. He got $15 million technically but they capped it so he got a little over $10 million as the jury did not believe that AH didn’t do what she did without malice and knowing that people would know who she was talking about. He didn’t care about the money. Everyone already had known that.

Amber won too … kind of. She got $2 million because they thought that the lawyer defamed her. Big whoop! He was right though. And she got ZERO in punitive damages.

Both gave a statement. One gave a very well thought out statement thanking everyone that believe them and the other continued to cry victim. I will let you decide who did what. Someone claimed that this verdict set women back many years and that there was no freedom of speech. It was laughable. Then this person said that one party not being in the courtroom for the verdict was rude. You know who said it. And their social media is STILL locked down. In addition to that, the petition to keep ole girl out of Aquaman 2 is almost at 5 million votes.

DMX Said it Best

I hope never to speak of this broad again because I strongly dislike her as a person. If she really wants her life back, she needs to just let this go just like she should have let it go when she got that $7 million in the divorce. Thank you for coming on this ride with me. I didn’t think I would care so much about this case, but it was a lot deeper than I realized in the beginning, but I am happy with the outcome. Now AH just needs to just let it die and leave folks alone.

Please see my other posts about so many other subjects and follow me. I need more people to read. I was told that I made a lot of spelling errors. I had this blog for 8 years now and obtained my degree while writing sporadically. Hopefully, you can see the growth in my writing as I am growing as a person, but I will be rereading all the post and making changes. The funny thing is that a lot of my old posts are still relevant to this day which is weird. I usually just reshare them but I promise to do better.

Priority Policing

Since the Johnny Depp Case, I Have Noticed Something…

Why is there an assumption that, because someone is commenting on one subject, they aren’t concerned about any of the things going on around the world? Everywhere I have literally gone, people have said “There is so much going on in the world besides this case.”

My question to these people is: Do you know how wonderfully we are made? Our brain gives us the opportunity to focus on and do so many things. I literally could go into neuroscience with facts (that was an INTERESTING semester) but I won’t. Our brains are wonderfully made, and I am so sorry that some people cannot accept that thought.

Source: https://www.zocalopublicsquare.org/2018/04/11/consciousness-isnt-mind-body/ideas/essay/

Yes, there are many things going on in the world and this, contrary to what some people believe, is one of them. In another blog I made about trying to literally figure out what brought my attention to this case, I touched on some of the things that made the case important, and it wasn’t just relegated to the fact that Johnny Depp and Amber Heard are celebrities. There was more to it that touched me personally based on events and observations in my life as well as my interests in psychology and criminal justice.

For others, the case was a means of distraction from the rest of the horrible things that don’t seem that they will have a conclusion in this world. We are bombarded with stories of massacres (two within ten days of one another), the anniversary of the George Floyd killing (which makes us think about all of the other unarmed Black men that were murdered at the hands of law enforcement that we KNOW of and can further trigger us), the war in Ukraine, the baby formula shortage (where women are told to “just breastfeed”), and even people being killed for their religion (example, the young woman in Nigeria beaten and burned to death by Muslims because she complained about the class text being used for things other than classwork and assignments). Will these things end? No.

News Coverage

I was in an ABC post on Facebook today and there literally is a bot that tells people that we need to focus on the gas prices and Trump and all this other stuff. People forget that this person is a bot so they agree. I then do my spiel about how wonderfully our brains are made. What can we do about the gas prices right now? Honestly, what can we do but take public transportation, not drive, or bike to our destinations? We want to talk about gun reform. Well, what can we do right now as it’s not time to vote new people into power? We can donate money to the families that lost their loved ones. We can do a lot of things. But the main thing that we can do is have open dialogue on the things that interest us.

I also pointed out to people that there are options. ABC, if you look at their Facebook page, literally covers stories all over the world. Why did you stop on the Johnny Depp thread if you “don’t care”? If you don’t care, don’t click on it. I don’t usually waste my time with people on subjects that I truly don’t care about. They literally were in the court coverage saying that they didn’t care and commenting. Why?

Assumptions About Those of Us That Watched the Trial

Some said we didn’t work. That was a great one. I personally, along with some coworkers, watched and talked about the case while working. I work from home. I watched the case while coding charts (now I’m not going to lie, my productivity went down a bit, but I’ll fix that). Many of us watched while doing little things, cleaning the house, taking care of our kids, taking a break, or just not working that day. But what does it matter? If you’re there with us, don’t project your issues onto us.

Many claimed we were Bots and diehard fans of Johnny Depp. As I had stated in my previous post, I can give a small number of films I have seen him in (POTC (1 and 2), Alice in Wonderland, Crybaby (when I was very young, mom loved the movie), Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (hilarious), Sleepy Hollow, and I think that’s about it. I didn’t know Amber Heard was even IN Aquaman nor who she was before this actual trial; didn’t even know they were married or divorced. I really don’t even know how I heard about this trial except that it was in Fairfax, and I worked most of my medical career in Fairfax. People from all over the world were watching the trial. People were up at 2 a.m. watching this. It was worldwide news because it was about more than Johnny Depp. I had no dog in the fight, but I always said that, when I get old and retire, I would like to just sit in court cases because I have always had an interest in law (although I didn’t pick that as my major, I did two semesters of paralegal studies, it’s no joke).

When the Texas massacre occurred, everyone scattered. Johnny Depp v Amber Heard was no longer our interest at that time. We shed tears, tried to explain what happened to our children, and looked for more information on what happened. That trial was NOT more important than the loss of the lives of babies and their 2 heroic teachers. That would be a heartless thing to say. Just as it would be heartless to think that we didn’t care about the killings in Buffalo, NY. But what can we do but talk about gun reform? That’s a hard topic to even try to find a solution to which is why this keeps happening. I will write about my thoughts on it as a person with a mental illness that, in my state, can’t legally own a gun if I’m being truthful on an application for a permit.

If one were to look at my blogs, they would say that that they cover a lot of subjects. And even THESE subjects aren’t the only things on my mind, sadly. I think a LOT about everything. We have to also understand that some people can’t take so much bad news at a time. It literally can add to depression and suicidal ideations.

So if someone wants to engage in entertainment news to take their minds off the horrible world that we live in, please let them. They truly are not hurting you and it’s really none of your business. Don’t try to shame them for that. You don’t know their story and we ALL have a story.

In the End…

If what someone else pays attention to doesn’t hurt you in any way, just let them be. We’re all out here trying to survive and struggling with things like inflation, COVID, caring about the safety of our kids, paying rent, keeping the job that we have IF we have one, feeding our families, keeping our mental health together, etc. We don’t need to be shamed for caring about something that you might not deem worthy.

This World…..

To say that this pisses me off is an understatement.

I will talk about Johnny Depp another day.

As a parent, this shit pisses me off.

As a HUMAN, this shit pisses me off.

What did those children do to deserve a death like that? What did the teacher do to deserve a death like that?


We just had a massacre in Buffalo TEN DAYS AGO. Is it open season on a certain demographic of people? Our elders and our babies can’t even do what they’re supposed to do without a threat to their lives.

At this point, we are getting numb to this and that, IN ITSELF, is a problem.

I don’t care about this young man’s mentality or motive at this point.

What I care about is the deaths of these poor children, consoling and comforting their families, and making sure that this does not scar the survivors forever.

I care about their mental health at this point.

I have to hug my daughter and be happy that she is ignorant to things like this due to her intellectual disability.

I am TIRED of all of this.

And people wonder why people want to unalive themselves. What’s there to live for? This world is TRASH! NOTHING BUT TRASH!

You killed children for what? What did you get from it?

I went to a school with metal detectors.

People complain about it now, but we understood it over 20 years ago.

My condolences to those families impacted by this senseless BS that this idiot decided to carry out for no reason. Thanks for SCARRING the survivors and families.

To say I am pissed isn’t even the word.

Next time, just take yourself out. This is STUPID!

This world is trash!

R.I.P to all these innocent victims in Texas AND Buffalo!

I Don’t Even Know if I Want to do This Recap (JD v AH Trial Recap for 5/23/2022)

RIP to my brain cells. Even got into an argument (and blocked) someone because they don’t understand how objective the judge was being (and we were on the same side) but let’s get to this mess so I can update my friends and go to bed.

Dr. Richard Moore, the Ortho Surgeon

Worthless! Can I just end it here? No? Okay, well basically, this guy says that Johnny’s hand wasn’t the way that he said it was for him to sustain the injury that he sustained to his finger. Mind you, he wasn’t here, he did not pick the piece of finger up off the floor, he did not seem to review the pics of the scene either. Basically, he was worthless.

His reasoning was not based off a reenactment or anything but the medical records (he harped on the fact that they said that they didn’t have to remove glass) and pretty much tried to call the doctor, witnesses, and the ER doctor liars. All those people lied. Basically, he was speculating that this was a crushing injury due to the fragments of bone and the fact that his fingernail was still intact. But, depending on the trajectory of said vodka bottle throw, it is very possible that injury could have been caused by the vodka bottle. There were pics of glass and blood on the floor. The doc got paid a ton of money to sit up there and be wrong though. I mean, can I get that job? I did most of nursing school and am good with medical terms and all. I digress.

This Psychiatrist got the same treatment the DV “expert” got from onlookers
Dr. Spiegel, the Psychiatrist

Elaine used a LOT of time on this man today. A LOT of time. Being objective and having the knowledge that I have about antipsychotics; I will say that this psychiatrist would have done a better job had he kept it short and sweet. I think he, like the person after him, got a bit too cocky.

I will actually talk about his testimony before they did a cross examination on him so that people can understand. He talked about IPV (intimate partner violence) and how the meds that JD was on could make up a perfect storm for him to actually abuse AH. HOWEVER, he messed up. He didn’t review all the information before going on the stand. But let me back up.

Basically, he was called to be an expert on IPV and the risk factors that would lead to it. What is a risk factor? Well, risk factors are actually variables that would increase the chance of something happening. An example in the medical field is diabetes. Risk factors for diabetes usually involve your weight, race, age, prediabetes, and family history. While these variables can INCREASE your chances of getting diabetes, it does not definitively MEAN you will GET diabetes.

What Dr. Spiegel did, without even interviewing JD, was speculate that, because of the prescription and non-prescription drugs he was on, he would most likely engage in IPV. The thing about the medical field is that it goes based off probability, studies, and sometimes speculation. It’s really a guessing game. Nothing is always set in stone, but they try to make the most educated guess that they can. I felt bad for doctors today.

The prescribed drugs that Johnny Depp was on were Neurontin (Gabapentin) which can be used for nerve pain and seizures for the most part. Although I know this for a fact (certified coder here), I will give you proof here. In addition to this, he was on Ritalin for ADHD, and dang on Seroquel. I have some serious experience with Seroquel. It is usually used for bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. It helps the mind slow down and WILL put you out. I have literally fallen asleep with food in my mouth on the stuff. AND I got medication induced diabetes from it after 8 years of being on it. It makes you VERY hungry so taking it at night (which you NEED to do) is just a recipe for weight gain BUT you will fall asleep. Here is the info on Seroquel according to WebMD here.

Knowing what we know about the medications above, one would think that JD would be a whole zombie. How exactly is it possible for him to just jump up after being sleepy to go attack someone? In addition to this, in a pic that AH took of JD “nodding off” with ice cream in his hands (yes, I have done that too after taking my dang on Seroquel), the doctor, who clearly didn’t look at the pics, said that JD had vomited on himself when it was actually melted ice cream. Great job, AH. Instead of helping the man you supposedly love, you take a pic of him with ice cream on his pants. Again, I digress.

Now, the psychiatrist was correct (I mean, he DOES have a degree) in the statement that taking too much of said drugs (he claimed he did but there was no proof as there was no drug test so that’s all gone) in addition to drugs like oxy or cocaine can kill you. Yes, this is true. Why isn’t he dead yet? Well? Probably because he isn’t doing all those drugs and we’re going off AH’s testimony of what she thinks is going on when she could very well be partaking as well.

They cross examined Dr. Spiegel and it was just a mess. He started doing this weird thing with his jaw and it looked as though he was going to come undone. I don’t know the name of the lawyer that did the cross, but he sure pissed Dr. Spiegel off. JD and Mr. Chew were just watching, and his credibility fell to shreds. My concern was that the lawyer could have very well USED the testimony against AH, but he chose to pretty much discredit the doctor to the point that none of his testimony was even effective. I say this because everything that Dr. Spiegel put on JD was literally a description of AH given to us by Dr. Shannon Curry (one of my heroes) when she when down the list of BPD and HPD. They could have played it that way but he’s the one with the law degree.

Elaine tried to bring up Dr. Curry and JD’s lawyer was NOT having it. Sir, you did not one interview with JD, you went off testimony, and you literally speculated this whole thing. THEN JD’s lawyer and Dr. Spiegel argued about the APA for longer than it was needed. I agreed with Dr. Spiegel where he said that doctors give opinions based off medical records, testimony, and depositions all the time, but he should NOT have given a diagnosis. He was wrong in that. Everyone else that gave a psychiatric diagnosis actually interacted with the person they were diagnosing, did interviews, and tests, he didn’t. He tried to say that JD was a narcissist. He even tried to talk about JD using an earpiece to remember his lines (they said he listened to music in them); then he spoke on how slow JD talked and how he had a bad memory. He did all this while asking the lawyers to repeat questions because HE forgot what he was asked. Okay, enough about him. The last clown is coming up.

Oh, and people (petty) went to his page to leave 1-star reviews. I keep saying not to do that. First of all, it’s going to get taken down. Secondly, don’t do people like that with small businesses. I worked for a small business and you wouldn’t want someone to do that to you. You don’t have to agree with the man but don’t try to ruin his coins. It makes you another Amber Heard which means you’re a hypocrite. Do better! (See: Let’s Talk About Yelp!)

Casting Expert, Kathryn Arnold
Source: https://www.theentertainmentexpert.com/about

The last “expert” that has a chance to come up again took up a lot of time. She told us her credentials and what she was supposed to do. She was extremely biased (as I am but I can admit it) and said that the comments that JD’s lawyer (who really wasn’t allowed to testify because of privileged information) had a hand in ruining AH’s career. Her task, however, was to tell about the impact of the op-ed, UK case, and comments by JD’s lawyer and how it impacted both parties.

Her testimony was long and drawn out. She used info from the other people and said that comments killed AH’s career. No, AH killed her own career. You don’t go to court with a bruise on your face and then write an op-ed and think that people aren’t going to put 2 and 2 together. They also talked about an article coming out at the same time that the op-ed did and claimed that AH couldn’t have leaked that information to the other source. It was a bunch of cloudy mess.

She claimed that the words that JD’s lawyer had said when he said that AH’s claims were a hoax were reflected in the trends. They weren’t. And most of the people in the chat said they didn’t even know who Amber Heard was until this case (myself included). None of the words said by JD’s lawyer were hashtagged. We didn’t get #amberturd from him nor #amberheardisaliar or #JusticeforJohnnyDepp so her testimony really was a mess.

The biggest place she messed up, however, was by trying to compare AH to the likes of Gal Gadot, Chris Pine, Zendaya, and Jason Momoa. That’s where she messed up. Also, for such an expert casting person, she didn’t know a lot about movies. She didn’t know the movies AH was in and she didn’t know why comparing her to the likes of those mentioned above was a far cry from a fair comparison. She also contradicted herself a few times and it went over her head. She said that she spoke to Disney, but no one would speak to her but then she lied and said she talked to them. No, you didn’t, you said they didn’t talk to you. She also said that Jason Momoa and AH had “chemistry”. I don’t know about that, but a lot of people said that they didn’t.

They even gave spoilers to Aquaman 2 and Dune. I found that to be a bit funny personally. It was funny, however, that one minute she said that the casting people keep info close to the chest and don’t talk about salaries and the next she was giving out said information. She got her butt handed to her when JD’s lawyer pointed out that there were a bunch of Batmen and Supermen. AH could easily be replaced, and no one would care. They even went down the list of Batmen which was funny. Bottom line: Yes, AH had a hand in Aquaman and Justice League (no one remembers seeing her in it) but she can be replaced by someone that would help the numbers continue to grow. Her being in the movie would not help with the revenue for the movie at this point.

Then they started arguing about fires and it was almost time for me to get off work. Elaine wanted to get back up there and redirect, and she just made herself look so stupid that even the judge had to help her because she was SO tired, and it was 5:30 p.m. We are waiting to see if the Defense is going to call JD back up on the stand which would be suicide for their case as you don’t want to put him back up there because his testimony will be fresh in the jury’s mind. That’s a bad call.

We do know (I guess) that Kate Moss will be on the stand on Wednesday because AH opened that mouth of hers while she was talking about a fight between JD and her sister. She opened the door for Kate Moss to walk through. She will be testifying via video as to AH’s claim that JD pushed her down the stairs. Kate Moss, don’t you f*ck this up! So far, she has been one of the people that only had good things to say about him. She dated him as well. Everyone he has dated, except that old hag that made it a point to let the court know that she had a “sexual” relationship with JD, has said he was a good dude.

Most people, including myself, are speculating that JD’s mental health and well-being declined once he got with AH. We believe that this was when he started being late to work, being drunk or high, etc. and not fulfilling his duties. Maybe someone will bring that up in the dwindling time we have left to hash this out. I don’t know but, at this point, I truly want this to be over. At least we saw JD looking up today. Probably had a crook in his neck. Poor thing.

In Conclusion….

Pray for that poor Judge. Pray for the jury. Pray Johnny’s neck. It has to hurt looking down all the time. Shoot, just pray for all the J’s because this is a mess and I’m glad it will be over soon. I am glad I am not in that court, on the jury, a fly on the wall, a bee, an alpaca, a Yorkie. Someone end this!

A Hot Mess-The Johnny Depp v Amber Heard Case (5/18-5/19/2022)

A Parade of Moochers

Really, the past two days were trash. Amber’s people called up everyone but a number of them had ONE thing in common: They mooched off Johnny. Most of them lived in his Penthouses. Oh, and most were no longer friends of Amber Heard. There is a lot to unpack but their testimony broke down to this:

  • They were friends of Amber’s or a friend of a friend of Amber’s
  • They were Amber’s family
  • Johnny took their broke behinds in
  • None of them paid rent (Johnny should sue them for rent but…)
  • Everyone always came in the aftermath
  • NONE of them are still friends with Amber
  • MOST, if not all of them, were deposed
Dang on Rocky

This broad was a piece of work. There were a few but Rocky thought she was some kind of superhero. She and her EX husband (another moocher that testified by deposition a few months after Amber called him and tried to say she missed him but she really just needed him to testify) hadn’t been able to get in touch with Amber so they took their keys and went in. Rocky, the superhero, told her then fiancée to just go home so she could go check things out. That’s when she “found” Amber all messed up.

I’m a tough broad but if I have a full-grown man with me, he needs to come too. Why would you send him home? That made no sense to me. What if Johnny was there beating the crap out of Amber as he ALWAYS does? Anyhow, she “found” Amber all beat up and stuff and laid with her and cried with her after she TOLD her what Johnny did (hearsay!)

She also testified, however, that she and Amber had gotten into a little tiff before, and Amber popped her in the face. More proof that she likes to put her hands on people.

In all honesty, none of the other testimonies did anything but prove that no one, out of all the people with access to all the penthouses, saw Johnny assault Amber. They saw her upset or crying but that tells us nothing. And, yes, at this point, I’m biased. This was Day 18 and 19 of this trial and there is no way you can be unbiased after all the testimony we have seen in all this time.

What woman beater do you know lets close friends of their VICTIM stay with them. Most batterers isolate their victim. This is a known fact, but I can put some proof here so I that I can look smart. I will say that there was a lot of DV on BOTH sides, but THIS case is about him PHYSICALLY and SEXUALLY abusing her as she claimed. NONE of this has been proven. We have been begging for a doctor to say, “Here are the facts in my medical records about vaginal tearing or bleeding”, “Here is proof of a broken nose”, etc. We got NOTHING! All we have, again, are vids and pics of things that don’t matter and quite frankly DO look staged. We also have proof that Johnny was hit a number of times. But he’s a man.

As I have previously stated, the bruises that we have seen seem to be self-inflicted and painted on. They are not indicative of the brutal abuse she alleges that she suffered. I also don’t think anyone has pointed out yet which side the bruises are on in connection with whether JD is right handed or left handed.

I will say that there was a lot of crying, and it wasn’t from Amber. Raquel cried on her second day of her deposition and the makeup artist cried. Amber never shed a tear.

Melanie Inglessis, a makeup artist, testified that she did Amber’s makeup for the James Corden show. She claimed that Amber was telling the hair stylist and her what happened to her at Johnny’s hands. Let the record reflect that Melanie ALSO is NO longer a friend of Amber Heard’s (at least she didn’t live there). She claims that we can see in the pic on the show that there is swelling to Amber’s lip and that you can’t cover swelling.

CBS Television Distribution/The Late Late Show with James Corden

I bite my lips a lot at night and then they hurt the next morning (I am currently biting my lips right now but can’t find my lip exfoliator). Amber was spotted biting her lips during the trial as well. I would like to know who just goes around telling everyone but the police what happened to them. The logic is off which gives a lot of people pause.

There was a guy and a girl that testified. The girl ran and hid in the gym and the other guy served no purpose either. All of them were old depositions and truly worthless to Amber’s case. IFF anyone did Amber a favor, it was the makeup artist although we still saw nothing, but she swears AH’s lip was swollen but the consensus still is: Did you see what happened to cause this? The answer is ALWAYS NO!

Funny Yet Worthless Testimony

Somehow, AH’s team really thinks that being on drugs and drinking makes you violent in all cases. For some people, it mellows them out. For AH, that wine might give her liquid courage to hit people. There is no definite correlation either way as everyone is different. When I get drunk, I get sleepy or horny; never violent. I have dated men that smoked weed, got drunk, and were as calm as they could be. Again, I feel that this is a way to numb the pain and self-medicate.

JD has a lot of layers to him. It seems that his love language is acts of service and he wants people to be around him most of the time. I am not a therapist but what other reason would you be so nice to a bunch of freeloaders?

The Hashtag Guy got #AmberTurds trending on Twitter today because he claimed that, after the suit with The Sun, people started doing mean Tweets about AH. I didn’t even know about the case with The Sun. I also didn’t read or know about the Op-Ed that AH did in the Washington Post. I wasn’t tweeting anything about AH but I sure did a lot of retweeting after that worthless testimony. Thanks Hashtag Guy!

Ellen Barkin

She had no purpose whatsoever. What she did was make herself look like a bitter ex. First, she said that JD was always doing drugs and drinking, and it looks to me like she was doing it with him. Then she said he was jealous. She also said he got mad and threw a wine bottle…not at anyone but he threw it. Here testimony indicated to me that she was bitter that he broke up with her and she wanted that AH revenge. It did NOTHING for the case.

The Poor Psychiatrist

I was so mad, not at the psychiatrist, but at the ignorant people that don’t understand HIPAA, are not in the medical field, and don’t understand the process of your therapist having to testify. People were mad at him, tried to say he would never work again, etc. That’s not how it works. ANY doctor can be subpoenaed to testify. You can also give your permission for them to use that information. JD knew the list of witnesses. This was not an issue and did NOT hurt his case. JD had options and, instead of being interviewed by a whole new person, he let his past medical records from his personal therapist be used in the case.

And when you listened to him, you could see that he didn’t want to do it. I had to tell people to Google whether a psychiatrist or psychologist can be compelled to testify. They can and you can also give your permission for it to be done.

The psychiatrist was also deposed, and he just told what the notes said. It further proved that JD was working on himself and having a lot of problems with AH.

The Lawyer, Disney, and the Former Agent

Kind of like The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe, these three were worthless testimonies. The lawyer kept being advised not to answer because of client privilege and Elaine refused to give up. She probably asked the same questions a good five times in a row only to get the same answer. It was a mess and just made everyone mad. The Disney “spokesperson” was worthless because she couldn’t speak on behalf of Disney but that was what she was there to do. And they talked about the money and the alpacas again (JD said he wouldn’t do Pirates 6 for a ton of money and a bunch of alpacas). Bottom line: JD doesn’t want to do your stupid movie and you’ll be lucky to ever see him again.

The former agent was another worthless witness for the defense, but it is what it is. They kept talking about how JD had money problems and was known for showing up late to set. Many spectators in the chat speculated that maybe he was doing more drugs and showing up late because AH was stressing him so much and he was doing so much for these ungrateful people that he was hemorrhaging money. I tend to agree with this. Was he having all these issues before he got with AH?

My response was that he needed a bunch of moms to harass him and get him out of bed. He would never be late to anything.

The Acting Coach

She was kind of weird to me. She talked about how AH would come to her sessions crying sometimes and she would have to settle her down before doing the coaching. She also made a weird comment about AH not being able to cry on command, so she knew she wasn’t faking when she saw her crying. I found that very interesting. She didn’t cry on the stand. Her friends did. Her friends also seemed to see her crying after things “happened” to her. Something just seemed off about it. One can do certain tricks to cry, and she never actually cried on the stand although she really tried to. But everyone would just say how “upset” she was, but did they ever really see tears coming from this woman? Like actually from her tear ducts?

In the End

I think that this trial is serving as an intervention of sorts. JD’s legal team seems to really care for him. His fans are showing their support and letting him know that we are not here because it’s JD, but because we HEAR him. As I stated in my first post about this, I was NOT a JD fan. I watched his work casually, but I wasn’t running to the movies to see things when they came out.

What got my attention, besides the fact that the trial took place in the county I used to work in, was that I have seen men be abused and not say anything. It bothers me. I have a problem with bullies and liars. It bothers me that women can get away with ruining a man’s whole life, walking away with his hard-earned money, and literally LIE about being beaten. I don’t take that lightly. I have never been physically abused but I have seen it and many of my friends have experienced it. This is NOT a good look. For AH to be a spokesperson for the ACLU, also a problem. To hide behind #metoo is another issue. I don’t like it and I don’t care if people say that I’m a brainless fan. I will be that because I operate off logic, evidence, and common sense. AH has NO evidence that is believable. Was I hoping ANYONE was being abused? No, but society has us believing that men don’t get assaulted by women which just isn’t true and it’s not fair.

My heart goes out to JD because he truly wants to be loved and you can tell. I noticed today (all late) that he tells a self-deprecating joke regarding why everyone is there yelling his name. The other day he said the fans were his “relatives”. Today he said, “I gave them breakfast; waffles”. This sadly makes me feel that he really thinks that he has to give people things for them to like him. And it might be jokingly all day, but I saw a bit deeper than that and it kind of broke my heart.

One More Thing

I saw an article saying that people are triggered by the trial and saying that JD is insinuating that people with Borderline Personality Disorder and Histrionic Personality Disorder are abusive. I have said this before, and I will say this again: Amber Heard is NOT the spokesperson for your mental illness. She represents herself. Just as all people that drink and do drugs aren’t violent, the same applies here. You are not your diagnosis. Don’t take that on. Everyone’s mental illness comes from different things. You are NOT her so don’t project that onto yourself. Also, if the contents of the trial are a trigger, don’t watch it. I have talked about Knowing Your Triggers before. Just wait for the highlights or verdict. The trial pisses me off but I have no man to beat so I’m safe.

If you got this far, thank you for reading. Please leave a comment or share it with a friend. If you disagree, that’s fine. I won’t fight you. I really tried to be objective here but, at this stage of the trial, it’s hard not to lean to one side. I’ve picked mine.


Let’s Recap This Mess of a Trial (5/16-5/17/2022)

Camille Didn’t Come to Play

Camille Vasquez is the MVP of yesterday and today. She has been in charge of the cross examination of Amber Heard. In addition to pissing AH off, she pissed off Elaine, AH’s lawyer that can’t get a question out to save her life because Camille wasn’t having it.

Although Camille started her cross examination yesterday afternoon, she took no time getting to the point. People were somehow confused how the cross was so short. Easily: Camille didn’t have to do or say a thing to prove that AH was a liar.

The biggest highlight for yesterday was the great debate in semantics using the words “donate” and “pledge”. AH refused to actually answer to the fact that she pledged but did NOT pay the money that she claimed she did on a Danish talk show to the ACLU and Children’s Hospital. She literally said, “I don’t want Johnny’s money.” Okay, so if you didn’t want the money, why not just sign the whole thing over to who you said you were going to give it to?

Instead, she made a payment, JD made a payment, and Elon Musk made a payment “on her behalf”. She continuously tried to argue with Camille what the difference between a “pledge” and a “donation” were. That went on for a good number of minutes to the point that the judge was annoyed (just as we were).

Another great talking point was the fact that Camille was confused as to how AH had all this proof of JD passing out and beating up cabinets but had scant proof of all the “injuries” she suffered.

Tuesday, May 17th

Today started out with a bang. It really did. I was trying to watch it while I was at my GYN appointment (which happened to be in Fairfax, VA). I think that two of the highlights for me were when AH claimed that no woman walks out of the house with a bruise on her face, but she ignored her own statement by going to get the restraining order and having a “photo shoot” at the courthouse. I have to say that I literally screamed at the contradiction.

It was also hilarious to watch Camille just show pics, ask for them to zoom in to her face, and then move on to the next pic. Just asked AH if it was her and moved on to the next pic. I almost died.

She also pointed out some staged photos that were blamed on JD such as a nice little set up of four lines of cocaine. While I have never in my life laid eyes on real cocaine in person, I don’t think it’s smart to just leave it sitting on a table with a card. I mean, one of the little dogs that stepped on a bee could have sniffed that right on up. Then what? A cool breeze could blow it away, then you’ll be mad about it.

There were other staged things such as the lighting in the one pic where AH claimed she got hit in the face with a phone. There were absolutely not changes in the pic besides the lighting which Camille pointed out looked like a filter.

Ohhhh, AH was getting perturbed at that point. She just started spouting all kinds of nonsense, claimed everyone’s stories were untrue, and that she was the only one telling the truth. The nurse lied, the police lied, the man downstairs lied too. Everyone lied but her.

She then pulled the “drug” card. The reason why she couldn’t let JD leave was because he was going to go on a drug binge, and she was worried. Yet, she as so worried that she never said a thing about it in the recordings. In fact, she called him a baby and told him to go to one of his 15 houses to run away.

I’m not for hitting women but if you follow me and make it so that I can’t leave, I won’t be responsible for what happens to you next. Let people leave so that they can diffuse the situation and calm down. Camille, however (like the rest of us), didn’t understand how pics (only) of JD sleeping were taken but no broken nose pics (usually characterized by two black eyes and a crooked nose) were not available. Medical records, a hugely important topic to me as I am a medical coder who has received subpoenas for medical records while working in medical offices, were not present to prove any of these injuries. And the bottle sexual assault notes were nowhere to be found.

Redirect with Elaine

People that don’t understand law were taken aback by how short the cross examination was. Camille didn’t need that much time to prove that AH was a liar. It’s not the amount of time that is important, it’s about the quality information you obtain.

Elaine should have just stayed in her seat and forgot the whole redirect. She got so many sustained objections that it was embarrassing. She argued with the judge, approached the bench so much that she probably beat everyone in a FitBit challenge, and just got so frustrated, she ran out of questions. She couldn’t find a way to ask questions without leading and speculation, so she just gave up.

AH was so pissed that people in the chat noticed two fatal flaws: AH got off the stand before the judge and the jury left and she just left after being told to sit by her lawyer. She probably went in the bathroom and had a tantrum (I didn’t see these things happen so you could probably consider this “hearsay”).

Depositions from IO and Rocky

IO “was” a friend of both parties and started and finished his deposition today. Basically, he said that he never saw JD hit AH but that he said some really mean things to him about AH. I think JD thought he had a friend that wouldn’t tell all his business. Put me on the stand for my best friend and I won’t recall nuffin. I won’t even know when I met them. IO seemed to get a bit of an attitude because they kept asking him the same question over and over again: whether he had ever seen JD hit AH. He said he hadn’t but the saw things like the cut hair that she claimed was pulled out of her head (see: Depp vs Heard (5/4/2022-5/5/2022) My Thoughts) and the so called bruises on her face. I will say that this guy was pretty objective although people didn’t like him or see his purpose. It made sense to me as he had received messages from JD and went with AH to Al Anon meetings. He was pretty neutral so I didn’t see him really harming or helping either person.

Rocky, a former friend of Amber’s, started her deposition testimony (nothing is in person there, so we’ll be watching folks’ old testimony instead of actually seeing them in court which is kind of annoying). Rocky talked about the fact that she and Amber no longer close and, when asked why they were no longer close, she really had no real answer except that she wanted to spend more time with other people. She was asked about AH’s usage of drugs and how often she did them. She also asked about the infamous trailer fight where no one heard anything but just saw that light fixtures were knocked off the wall and some things were on the floor. That really told nothing as to who did all the damage as it could have, again, been staged by AH.

In the End…

If you notice a tone in this post, it’s because the more I see, the more it infuriates me that AH is making a mockery of women that have actually been abused. It annoys me that people still believe her and claim to have watched the whole trial. It annoys me that she brought the #metoo movement along with the ACLU into it. It annoys me that men are saying that women are only supporting JD because we are jealous of AH. It annoys me that people think we are overlooking the fact that JD does have his own demons. No one said that JD didn’t have demons, but he fesses up to them. He has lost a lot, but he has gained a lot of respect. He is speaking out for the men that are embarrassed to state that their woman has hit them, thrown things at them, abused them verbally, etc.

As I said before, this is way bigger than JD and AH. It is showing the world that women do lie and we, as a society, have a tendency to take the woman’s side especially after the #metoo movement. And this woman took this opportunity to literally disrespect every woman that has ever been abused in her life. Again, these issues are very important, and I hope they open the door for more dialogue especially regarding men being abused because it is not unheard of but definitely underreported in heterosexual relationships.


We Walk Among You

We might not let the world know but we walk among you

We are your caregivers, your teachers, creators, lovers, entertainers

We walk among you

We tell you that everything will be okay when our world is falling apart

We walk among you

We dry your tears and listen to you so that you can feel better and so that we can find some purpose in life

We walk among you

We defend those that are called “crazy” or “weird” because many times, we are labeled that way

We walk among you

We make you laugh, think, dance, smile, FEEL

We walk among you

Photo by mason cook on Pexels.com

Who Are We?

People with mental illnesses. We try to void the stigma that we’re killers, homeless people, drug abusers, etc. We have the ability to function in this world. It might take a little longer than usual, but we can do it. No matter the setbacks, the gossiping behind our back, the name calling where we are misdiagnosed (especially by family), and assumptions, we are surviving. Yes, there are people in the world that do things that are uncommon to BE called “crazy” but many of us just want to live a normal life. If we could change having to depend on medication and therapy, we would.

Many of us can’t afford treatment. Many of us are told that our mental illness is in our head. We are told that we are weak. We are told that we are lazy, bad parents, scary. Some people refuse to believe that we even have a mental illness although we have shown signs that something wasn’t right. Some of us have our moments but those moments don’t define us. Many of us are thrown into jail because the country saw fit to close down mental health institutions; there is a shortage of social workers, psychologists, and psychiatrists because of the cost of education and low wages (especially for social workers). With the growing need of mental health professionals, especially during the pandemic, this shortage is more noticeable.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health:

  • Mental health disorders account for several of the top causes of disability in established market economies, such as the U.S., worldwide, and include: major depression (also called clinical depression), manic depression (also called bipolar disorder), schizophrenia, and obsessive-compulsive disorder.
  • An estimated 26% of Americans ages 18 and older — about 1 in 4 adults — suffers from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year.
  • Many people suffer from more than one mental disorder at a given time. In particular, depressive illnesses tend to co-occur with substance abuse and anxiety disorders.
  • Approximately 9.5% of American adults ages 18 and over, will suffer from a depressive illness (major depression, bipolar disorder, or dysthymia) each year.

SOURCE: https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/mental-health-disorder-statistics

Ignore What You’ve Heard

People with mental illnesses aren’t always portrayed accurately. We are not what you see on TV. Movie stars, rappers, and comedians don’t represent us. If you really want to know us, talk to us. Learn how we think and why we think the way we do. Ask us how we feel, you might be surprised at what you find. But we also aren’t the representative for the diagnosis that we have. We all have our own stories, traumas, and experiences that make us who we are just as those without mental illnesses.

There are acute and chronic forms of mental illness. It doesn’t have to last forever but, for some of us, it does. And we have to learn to cope. We have to learn to accept ourselves and attempt to be accepted by society.

Don’t make fun of the things that we don’t do that most people are able to do with ease. Some of us can’t even get out of bed in the morning. Many of us don’t even want to take a shower but we work on autopilot to get through the day. We do something called “masking” where we do what society expects us to do in order to fit in. We long for a life where we don’t have to do that, but we have to in order to stave off concern from those that we love and love us.

All we want is to walk among you and be respected as human beings and not our diagnosis. We are not all bad. We might have setbacks and need some time to get through them, but we are not the worst people in the world. We’re just trying to survive…just like you.

The Story of My Mental Illness

Because this is Mental Health Awareness Month, I decided that today is the day that I tell the story of my diagnosis, symptoms, frustrations, treatments, and all that good stuff. If there are any questions that you would like to ask, please feel free to do so.

When Did I Notice a Problem?

When I was younger, I had this really bad temper. However, because I was a good student and shy, I flew under the radar. It didn’t take much for me to get very angry and sometimes violent. I noticed it more in my teenage years, but I definitely noticed it.

I tried to talk to my mother about my anger a few times and was told to pray about it. I prayed, it really didn’t work. So, I determined that, when I got my own insurance, I would go and see a psychiatrist to find out what was wrong with me because there definitely was something wrong with me.

I used to get mad and straight up lash out at people. It got to the point that I had to give myself the “3 strikes rule”. I kept mental tabs of how many times a person messed with me before going after them. I did this because I started having heart palpitations from immediately getting mad at everything. There was so much anger. And I don’t know whether it was a hormonal thing or if there was a rage that needed to be out of me one way or another.

My Twenties

Once I hit my 20s and finished high school and vocational school, I obtained a job that afforded me the opportunity to obtain health insurance. At that time I was extremely depressed due to religious things and losing friends, I was also suicidal. So the first thing I did was get a psychiatrist. It’s funny, however, that my first psychiatrist is an INFAMOUS psychiatrist. His name was Dr. Alan Salerian (look him up, you won’t be disappointed. I will say that he was a very good psychiatrist to me). He was high up there in the psychiatric world and actually worked with the FBI or something.

He was a great doctor to me but he had to stop taking insurance due to some craziness that started taking place but that’s a whole different blog. My current psychiatrist is very familiar with him. We talked about him the other day. In the end, he wasn’t fit to stand trial after all the stuff that he was accused of.

Either way, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder at the age of 20.

Medications: Trial and Error

The one thing that a lot of people complain about when it comes to seeing someone is the fact that they immediately assume that they will need to be on medication. Some mental illnesses don’t require long term use of medication. Some just involve talk therapy which is very helpful or even short term medication. I double team my mental illness with meds and CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). Everything isn’t about drugs. Some people have acute mental illnesses that can be due to grief, stress, even the weather.

However, when I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, it was fun times trying to find the perfect medication for me. Without medication, I am very violent and everything gets to me. This is a brain issue. My brain doesn’t emit enough Serotonin so I need help to pump it. So, what meds have I been on beFORE my new diagnosis that was obtained in about 2009 which came with it’s own share of drama?


The first one was good ole Prozac. Let me take the time right now to say that, what works for others, might not work for you. So be very careful in suggesting meds or asking people what worked for them. We’re all made differently and have different needs. The purpose of my meds was to calm me down to the point that I didn’t want to murder someone for what I thought was an insult. When I say I had a bad temper, it was a pretty bad temper. If I felt that I was being picked on, that was it. If I felt as if I were being ganged up on, that was it as well. It is also a reason that Knowing Your Triggers is very important but this knowledge came with a LOT of counseling.

Soooo, what happened with Prozac? I became a zombie. I wasn’t myself. I gave it a chance too. I didn’t just give up on it. Wait, I did take myself off it when my sister cussed me out and I literally just sat there on the phone getting cussed out and I was in such a haze that it didn’t even matter. Even my boss didn’t like how out of it I seemed.

Again, I had Dr. Alan Salerian and he always talked about the Three Tenors when it came to medications. Sometimes you need multiple meds to even things out. So I stayed on Prozac but then he added maybe Paxil and Wellbutrin. He began to wean me off the Prozac to let the Paxil and Wellbutrin do their jobs. Well…… Wellbutrin is not my friend.


Wellbutrin had to be the med with the WORST side effect for me, well, there’s another one coming up that is more recent but this one was probably worse because I could have died had I not come to work late that day.

Wellbutrin gave me tremors. I could not write my name. I had a job interview and I went to fill out the forms and it looked like I literally had Parkinson’s Disease. I literally just couldn’t write.

So I went to my regular job after the interview. I think I had just gotten off the phone when I woke up on the floor. Thankfully, I worked with a bunch of doctors at Shady Grove Fertility Center (I loved that job but I was trying to find a job closer to home). Come to find out, I had had a seizure at work.

Had it not been for that interview earlier in the day, I would have been on the road when I had that seizure. They HAD to take me to the hospital (it’s the rule) and they had to check me to figure out what in the world happened. Needless to say, that medication got taken away.


Zoloft (Sertaline) is my ride or die med. Twenty one years later, I am still on that med. I cannot miss a day of it (I will tell stories of that later) or my manic episodes turn into me trying to literally kill someone.

Let’s Take a Pause on the Meds Since Zoloft Became the Winner

So, I was on Zoloft minding my own business. I had to get a procedure done and I missed a dose of my Zoloft. Well, this wasn’t a good thing. A day after my surgery, I ended up in the psych ward.

As my therapist had explained to me, Serotonin is to put up a thick skin so that little things don’t set you off. Well, that day, I got set off. If people know the history between myself and my family, one would already know what I was going through. I was a single mom but I lived with my parents and that was HARD. Especially at my age. My daughter was about 3 when this incident happened. I can tell you exactly what happened too.

Adventures in the Psych Ward
See that white thing on my arm. That was from tendon surgery. I also gained weight but I will talk about that too.

I was watching a movie and I had put a pizza in the oven for the four of us to eat. I was waiting for a commercial to come on so I could go back to the kitchen to get the food. Mind you, my dad was literally sitting outside of the kitchen and the pizza was for EVERYONE. When the alarm went off for the pizza, my dad yells upstairs for me to get the pizza. I was like “Hold on, I’m waiting for a commercial”. Well, he kept yelling about it and then my mom chimed in.

I went downstairs to get the pizza. I already had the one trigger that I saw in my diseased mind and that was being ganged up on. I hate it. However, the second trigger came when I was getting the pizza, cutting it up, and just taking care of it so people would stop talking.

Instead my dad chose to berate me and talk about how I am selfish and all this other stuff. I don’t know, if I were so selfish, why would I be making pizza for everyone? So he kept talking and I got mad, flipped over the dish rack looking for a knife.

I was just PISSED that, even though I had tried to diffuse the situation, there were still people talking. I started stabbing the counter and my hand went down the blade. I blacked out. When I came out of the black out, I saw blood all over the place.

The scars have faded but those two fingers are a reminder that I felt it better to keep and never forget.

My mom took me to the ER and they stitched my hand up after asking me numerous times what happened. I told them I was cutting a pizza (which I was) BUT, after they finished stitching me up, I closed my eyes, opened them, and there were two police standing at the edge of my bed. Yup, not fun. SO they gave me a choice; go to jail or go to the psych ward.

I wasn’t going to jail so they handcuffed me which sucked because I had ruptured the tendons in my right hand. Anyway, I rode in the front of the police car for some reason. I think there was rookie police officer and the other officer.

Listen, I liked the show Cops so I was in the car asking questions and stuff. I had no beef with the police and they had no beef with me.

Anyhow, I get to the dang on pysch ward part and have to sit there forever with the handcuffs on until they can take me back. So I get back there and my mom and sister come. The doc asks what happened and I told them. I don’t pick fights. But when I feel that I am attacked, I go into a whole different mode when I don’t have my meds (and sometimes with meds if someone keeps chipping away at my patience).

Sooooo, they got me a bed in the psych ward. It was extra late so everyone was already sleep and it was very quiet when I got there. The nurse told me that I didn’t belong in the psych ward. I mean…. like I said, I had gone under the radar for a very long time. Outbursts weren’t nothing. I would fight people for no reason. I have pulled knives on folks, put people in choke holds for namecalling, etc. So, yeah, I was surprised I hadn’t already done a stint in the psych ward in all honesty. It was truly only a matter of time in the end.

Life in the Ward

I was okay for a while. But they didn’t take good care of my hand. Had I been taken care of, I would have better use of my ring finger and pinky on my right hand. But I can’t blame anyone but myself. If I wanted full function of those two fingers, they would have to take a tendon out of my wrist and put it in my fingers and that’s too much work for some mess I did. I would rather live with the scars to remind me not to let anyone get the best of me like that.

I stayed in the ward for a good 5 days. Thought I was going to be out in 3 days BUT they said that I was still too mad. I was extra pissed and stopped going to the 3 times a day counseling because I was PISSED! Just mad at everything. So I had to play by their rules so I could get outta there.

Do what they say so you can get outta there!

And, I had to go BACK to the house where it took place as I had nowhere else to go and my child was with my parents. She had no clue what happened and really wasn’t there. I think I had taken her to see Ice Age that day. I stopped going to movies for a while after that because of the bad memories.

While I was there, other patients came to my room for counseling from me. I think I had pointed out that this was what made me want to finish my Psych degree. I am a person that you can talk to without judgement because I’ve been there. And, if I haven’t been there, I know how to be objective. I also shared a room with a woman that had dementia. It was an experience.

There was a dude named Willie that used to try to escape every time someone left or came in. That was funny. We would say “Free Willy!” But yeah, the psych ward was a special time. What annoyed me most, however, is that they didn’t let the people go out to get some sun. Serotonin is needed but I’m no doctor.

Anyhow, the psychiatrist came around and basically said I had bipolar disorder. They kept me on my Zoloft but added the “go to” for bipolar disorder which is Lithium. I hated Lithium. I gave it a chance I really did. But it was trash (for me). They also put me on Seroquel which helped to ease my mind so I could go to sleep and not go into a manic state (you have to have sleep, it is VERY important. And you have to clear the thoughts and voices in order to GET that sleep).

So, on the fifth day, I went home. Although the dispute between my father and I caused me to go to the psych ward, when I came home, he gave me a big hug. He just told me “Welcome home” and that was the end of it. But resentment lasts when the true issue isn’t acknowledged. One of the biggest things I don’t like about my family is that we don’t discuss things or apologize. It’s a trait that I choose not to pass on to my daughter.

As I have said in previous posts about mental illness, my dad is a Vietnam Vet that suffers from PTSD (who wouldn’t after that) and alcoholism. Because of this, sometimes he does and says things that aren’t cool. I will never forget the day he told my brother and I that we weren’t wanted and that he would have divorced my mom but it was cheaper to keep her. Now, people say “Well, he was drunk”. That’s fine and dandy but we were kids and that really had an impact on me. I don’t know if it had that same impact on my brother.

What I Learned

The first thing I learned was never to miss your meds. Don’t do it. You miss one, and that’s your butt. I was just having an issue with my meds last week. I am very proactive but CVS didn’t tell me they were no longer participating with my insurance so it was a mess but I tried to tell them that there would be a chance that I might be put away again if I didn’t have at least my Zoloft. Zoloft is VERY important for me as I need that so as not to snap at everything.

Unfortunately, sometimes you don’t always have insurance. When you don’t have insurance, sometimes you have to stretch the drugs you have so that you won’t run out. Well, one day I stretched my drugs out and it almost resulted in the death of a very rude woman that thought that she was funny. I almost pulled her out of the car to stomp her. I got out of my car because traffic wasn’t moving after she called me a “Bitch” and blocked my turn into a gas station and standing traffic. NO ONE was moving. She thought she was funny so…. yeah….

So I always tell people that they have to find the meds that work for them and take them. Although the process can be frustrating and I know you don’t want to “depend” on anything, mental illness is just an illness. It is an illness like hypertension, diabetes, asthma. It’s just a mental illness and not a heart, endocrine, or lung illness. Suck it up and take your meds because jail isn’t fun and really doesn’t look fun.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed and really think I would like to take a vacation back to the psych ward. I could get some reading and writing done but I need to get able to go outside too.

Communicate With Your Doctor

I hate when people complain about their meds to everyone BUT the person that has the ability to prescribe you something else. First, you have to give the drug time to work. If it doesn’t work, don’t just stop taking the meds, CALL YOUR DOC! That’s what they are there for. They cannot read minds. You have to tell them how you’re feeling. Like I said about the Lithium in another post, my psychiatrist told me straight out that he didn’t treat the illness, but the person. There are great docs out there.

Meds Are NOT Always Necessary for Certain Diagnoses

Although I have bipolar disorder and will likely be on my drugs for the rest of my life, drugs are not the only way I treat my bipolar disorder. There are so many other ways to treat mental illnesses that aren’t chronic. Simple things like standing in the sun, opening your blinds, working out, listening to music, finding time for yourself, etc. Even small things like taking a bubble bath or making up your bed helps.

In addition to my meds, I see my therapist every 2 weeks. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is VERY important because you get to talk out situations, discuss coping mechanisms, learn about yourself, get to the root of the issues that you might have, and learn how to let things go. Medication is not mandatory in maintaining your mental health in acute cases.

Oh, I didn’t tell you guys about what Seroquel did to me. Seroquel worked for me a good 8 years maybe. If you look a the pic of me in the red, at that time I had gained weight. Before Seroquel, I was 148 lbs, after Seroquel, 237 lbs. It was because of the Seroquel. My clothes didn’t fit and my boobs looked like I had gotten implants. My daughter has an intellectual disability and autism which meant meltdowns so I stayed in the house because I was depressed. Anyhow, I started working out more and lost a lot of weight. However, Seroquel decided it was time to stop working with me and, well, I gained weight even though I was working out and eating right. Even my doc didn’t believe I was doing what I was supposed to do until my CBC came back and it said I had Diabetes. Yup, good ole Seroquel decided that it didn’t want to be my friend anymore. Here’s the link to that experience: So I Have Diabetes. In addition to THAT, I was then called fat a lot but people tend not to think about the impact it has on people nor even care to know the reason behind weight gain. You can read about that experience here: What Joy Do You Get From Making Fun of Overweight People?

In Conclusion

If you made it this far, thank you. To those of you that think that they might need some extra help, please say something. Please do something. Don’t sit in denial. Don’t self medicate. Sometimes you’re doing more harm than good.

I have been speaking on mental health for a long time now. I even went to school and completed my BS in Psychology so that I could learn about myself and continue to be an objective individual when it comes to the feelings and needs of others. I also learned the art of self evaluation. I might not always be right so I take a step back and review situations to find my role in miscommunications and the like. This is how we learn. This is how we learn that this world isn’t geared toward us and that we have to live with many others who are struggling just as we are. In the end, if you need help, get it. You’re not weak. There’s no big deal. Oh, and one more of my blogs is Bipolar and Black. I know that many cultures do not embrace seeking mental health help and it does a disservice to so many directly and indirectly. As a mother, I owe it to my child to make sure that I am mentally stable enough to take care of her. I don’t want to continue the cycle although I don’t hold resentment to my father because he didn’t have a great life and he grew up a different way than we did. He did his best and there are no handbooks for life nor raising kids.

I think I have written enough now. If you got this far, thank you for reading. I should be asleep now but I can’t ever start a blog and not finish it because I will lose my train of thought and forget it. Except for that last blog I did about Kpop. I had to add pictures. Well, good night, everyone.

I hope that everyone takes what I said into consideration. If you think no one cares, we do. If you need someone to talk to, I’m here. My little degree is good for something as I am too poor to get my Master’s (even though I want to go into Forensic Psychology because I am a true crime lover and often identify with serial killers because I very well could have been one had I not had the wherewithal to know there was an issue).

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