Let’s Talk About Sky on Black Ink Crew and How Her “Friends” Failed Her

There is so much I want to say here so this might be a bit lengthy.  Unfortunately, Sky and her son got into an altercation (it’s what they do in that family due to a lot of trauma and mental illness).  I feel some type of way about this subject due to the fact that (as I always say) I have bipolar disorder and I know the importance of taking this mental illness VERY seriously.

A Brief History of this Broad and Her Sons

I have never been a fan of Sky’s due to the fact that she was always over the top, wanting to fight people, acting a hot mess, and just doing too much.  With that said, I always knew that there was an issue even before the episode when her mother disappeared and it was stated that her mother suffered from bipolar disorder.

In addition to her mother leaving her alone as a child for days at a time, Sky became a young mother to two boys and also was in an abusive relationship with the father of said boys.  She went to jail for a while, her mom disappeared, and the kids were taken (or something like that).  Her kids had a great foster family that they went with but, unfortunately, even the love that they got from that family couldn’t save them.  Nature won out over nurture, unfortunately.  The oldest one ended up in jail and the younger one tried to do better and there is still hope for him.  He tried to forge a relationship with his mother but things just didn’t pan out the way we wanted them to.  Even the older one tried to have a relationship with her but there is too much that needs to be unpacked in their lives.  They all are suffering from some sort of trauma.

Sky cared more about her outward appearance than her inner self and decided to get a bunch of plastic surgery.  She claimed that she thought that getting her outward appearance squared away would help her with her self esteem and the like. That’s fine and all but I think she got it backward.  And that’s okay, she was trying.

It just seems that after she got the plastic surgery, she got worse.  It was like her self esteem blew up and made her into an even BIGGER monster.

Her oldest son took it very hard because he felt that she should have done more to get them. She got the money to get all this surgery but what about her children?  So then she wrote a letter to them and tried to start anew.  That didn’t work out.  Meanwhile, she’s getting promoted for being mediocre at a tattoo shop.  She then leaves, starts a business, it fails, and then she disappears.  I will NEVER be happy about someone failing in their business endeavors but this is a part of being bipolar. Sometimes you will do stuff for no reason without really thinking everything through.

Her Attempt at Healing

She started trying to fix relationships of other people but couldn’t fix herself.  She did these yoga classes and talked about meditation but that form of treatment (although helpful) wasn’t going to work for her without some other help.

About a year or two ago, I DM’d her and really tried to reach out and tell her to see a therapist because I suffer from bipolar disorder and the fact that her mother was bipolar and it’s hereditary meant she needed to get a better grasp on what was going on because she was in a downward spiral.  Now, I know that people don’t read their DMs, especially “celebrities” but it was worth a try.

Why I Think Her Friends Had a Hand in Her Horrible Behavior

One thing that I hate for people to say is “Oh, that’s just how __________ is.”  When you make comments like this, you are excusing the bad behavior of said person.  You are not helping; you are enabling.  That helps no one. This really could have been nipped in the bud years ago.  But everyone just laughed. This broad throwing chairs, glasses, slapping men, and acting a whole fool and NO ONE did anything to stop her.  Why? Because it was good for the show?

For Caesar to be her “big brother” he did a horrible job at doing so.  A HORRIBLE job.  A true friend tells you when you need help.  Just like he went around with her trying to find her mother, he should have been suggesting that she seek out a psychiatrist for herself.  YES, a psychiatrist.  She needs therapy AND meds.  Yes, talking through all the things that happened to her in her life will definitely help but bipolar disorder isn’t the type of mental illness that usually goes untreated.  You will have a serious breakdown and it might lead to your demise.

We need to do better as a people.  African Americans really think that mental illness is a joke. That’s why I write these blogs, to make it so that people aren’t afraid to share their stories and aren’t afraid to ask for HELP.  Her actions were a cry for help and she was ignored.

As I said, I might not like her but I feel for her.  This is not something that is going to go away and someone should have stepped in a long time ago to help her.  Thankfully,  VH1 is suspending her and, hopefully, they will demand that she gets help if she wants to be back on the show.

Phor from Black Ink: Chicago had the smarts to say how he felt and he had a whole GROUP of people there to support him.  THOSE are the kinds of friends you need.  And not only that, but the outpouring of SUPPORT from fans alone made my heart smile.  He knew he wasn’t alone and other people saw that they weren’t alone as well just from him sharing his story.  He also took time off to get HELP.  That’s what you do.  He wasn’t even acting like Sky but he knew that something wasn’t right as did his friends who knew and cared about him.

What Can YOU Do?

If you really want to call yourself a friend and you see your friend spiraling out of control, you help them. I have seen interventions where people were pissed at their friends for doing it but they figured out that there truly was a real problem.  Sitting in denial won’t make it go away.  So SAY something.

Check on your friends.  Just because they might be quiet doesn’t mean they’re okay. If you see them acting out of character, come to them and ask them if everything is okay.  I have friends on Facebook that I haven’t met a day in my life but I check up on them every once in a while because you just never know.  This world is hard and some people have been through so much adversity that you wouldn’t even know of because you never even bothered to ask.  BE a friend.  Don’t just CALL yourself a friend.

That’s why that word is VERY important to me.  BE your brother’s/sister’s keeper.  Don’t just say “Oh, that’s my bestie” or “That’s my friend”.  Live up to that title, man.  It’s so heartbreaking to see this girl hurting and folks just sitting here using it for ratings.  I like the show and I want to see her do better.  I might not like her but I understand her pain and the process isn’t going to be easy.  What she did was take the “fun” route.  Some people take the “fun” route by self medicating, doing yoga, meditating, doing random stuff.  That doesn’t always work, especially not with certain mental illnesses.

I have spoken about the process that I went through here, the meds I had to try out to find what worked for me, being put in the psych ward, and all that.  You think that was fun?  No, it wasn’t.  But I’m a much better mother, sister, daughter, aunt, than I was before.  Otherwise, I would have been dead likely by suicide.

Sky is getting death threats for how she treated her son and, honestly, she and her son were out of line but they both were coming from a place of serious hurt and that trauma won’t go away in a day.  It takes YEARS.  I have been in therapy for 20 years now.  I don’t have to see my therapist and psychiatrist as often as I once did and that’s because we made TONS of progress.  It also helped that I went to school for Psychology and had to look at myself and answer some hard questions that weren’t always easy to ask or acknowledge.

With that, I will end with this:  I hope that Sky gets the help that she needs.  I will never judge her because she had a hard life but she truly needs to surround herself with better people and get some help.

As always, thank you for reading.

 

Never Discount the Wisdom of Your Single Friends

I find it especially condescending when people assume that the fact that you are not CURRENTLY in a relationship means you have no knowledge of what it takes to have a relationship, successful or otherwise. Newsflash: WISDOM CAN COME FROM ANYWHERE!

I say this often and I will say this again. I have learned a lot about life from my daughter who is now 14 years old and has an intellectual disability. A truly wise person knows how to acquire knowledge and not judge the source.

Now I’m not going to go into the names of people that gave advice and ended up failures because it doesn’t negate that knowledge was dropped. The main rule, however, is to take what you can use and discard what you can’t. So what are reasons that people think that single people can’t give good relationship advice?

You’ve Had Failed Relationships

Is a failed relationship the sign of stupidity? What if you don’t know the details of the demise of the relationship? All you know is that the person is single in many cases. Doesn’t make them dumb. It just means they had a failed relationship (or more).

Wouldn’t that be a way for someone to learn what NOT to do in a relationship? If one has a failed relationship or failed relationships, that means that many of them have learned from said relationships and could possibly tell you what NOT to do. I mainly had one real actual long term relationship BUT I learned a lot in that relationship and grew a lot from that time to learn what I should have done and how I messed up in that relationship.

However, there are people that have had good relationships that turned sour and it wasn’t their fault that could also tell you the signs to look out for before the demise of a relationship. It is up to you to decipher how to apply that wisdom and knowledge to your life (or not).

You’re Just Jealous

Did you know that there is this such thing called being “single by choice”? Some people have bowed out of relationships because they have seen all they needed to see or experienced all they needed to know that it just isn’t for them. These experiences still need to be taken into consideration.

Granted, there are some bitter people out there that really want to be where you are but sometimes, they’re just really trying to tell you that your man/woman is some trash because it’s true. Sometimes they tell you when you’re wrong. Sometimes, they help you see things from different points of view and take you outside of yourself.

This is what many therapists do. They focus on the issue at hand and not the people. There are mainly three things you need to have a good relationship in my opinion: love, respect, and communication. Trust is necessary too but respect should make it so that you want to earn and keep your mate’s trust.

As far as being jealous, I would invite you to come to my apartment and sit and listen to the three couples that live above me (well, two now because one set just moved out, they were a WHOLE MESS). Observing is a great way to obtain knowledge. One doesn’t have to experience certain things to know what’s up. I literally was sought out for wisdom from my friends since middle school and I had never experienced half the things they were going through but I gave sound advice. One can learn from other people’s mistakes.

We have to also consider the fact that married people and their relationships are not always perfect. So what makes a married person or a person in a relationship better than a person that hasn’t been married or isn’t in a relationship?

In the end, it really comes down to your opinion of the person giving you the advice and it shouldn’t. I don’t have to like a person to try to understand their point. One doesn’t have to agree with me for me to feel that their opinion on a subject is valid. Sometimes we really need to learn to sit down and listen. Just listen.

We don’t have to be condescending either because, as I always say, God WILL humble you and you don’t want it. I have been humbled and it is NOT fun. Yeah, you’re in a relationship or marriage and have all the answers now but that might not be the case in a few years. Would you like someone to make you feel as though your experiences, feelings, observations, and opinions don’t matter because you are not longer in the “relationship club”? Nope.

As I say in most of my blogs; we really just need to learn to respect one another. That’s the ONE thing that we can attempt to do. Sometimes it’s hard but you might be doing yourself a disservice by not respecting another person enough to just hear them out. You don’t have to like what they say or who they are, but at least listen. You might actually learn something.

As always, thanks for reading.

Abstaining from Love – Why I Did It for So Long

I know the title is kind of silly sounding but that’s exactly what I have been doing for many years and I had to do a lot of self evaluation to figure out what was going on and why I was doing this. There are layers to this that started from when I was a young girl.  Unconsciously, it impacted me well into my adulthood.

What Is Abstaining from Love?

Abstaining from love is basically closing your heart to loving and being loved.

Why I Did (not do) it?

I have had a few “best” friends in my life.  There were actually three when I was a child.  One was a white girl named Adrienne.  I still think about her to this very day.  We went to elementary school together and she was also a Jehovah’s Witness.  When I was around the age of 12, her family moved to Florida.  I had written to her and she wrote to me.  I had gotten her some little horse stationary because she loved horses and I planned to write to her often.  One day, my letter came back as “Return to Sender”.  I never heard from her again.  As a child, that can really mess you up because one letter got through so why didn’t the other?  Sounds dumb BUT tell that to a pre teen.  The one girl that you loved so much was gone as well as your means for communication.  Seems petty, cool.\

I had another friend named Francesca who had two sisters.  We used to hang out a lot.  They were (and still are) gorgeous so I was always the “ugly friend” but those were my girls.  Pops was in pharmaceutical sales.  They moved to New Jersey.  Second set of friends gone.  I visited them a few times in New Jersey and then life happened and we weren’t able to talk anymore for a while.  Now, I see them all on Instagram but it will never be the way it was.

Finally, there was my bestie (she’s still my bestie to this day) named Nikki.  We literally probably knew one another since birth.  We lived two doors down from one another, we hung out a lot and just became like sisters even though I have two sisters.  Guess who moved to flippin Denver, CO when we were teenagers?  That’s right, Nikki did.  NOW, she did come back because I kind of had a bit of a hand in it and we are still besties BUT that was strike number three of sorts.

This sounds petty and dumb, doesn’t it?  Well, things impact people in different ways.  Because these people all were somehow taken away from me, I decided not to get attached to people.  Another friend of mine (that also got married and moved to a whole nuther country) also pointed it out to me.

How it Impacted my Dating Relationships

I didn’t date much.  I think I literally have been in maybe ONE long term relationship with a man.  That man was my ex fiance.  He was (and still is) a very good man.  I have probably talked about him in my other blogs here because my breaking his heart still haunts me to this day.  He truly loved me and I could tell just by how he treated me, talked to me, wanted to be with me, etc.

I don’t know if it was self sabotage or what but I wouldn’t allow myself to truly love him because I thought something was going to take him away from me.  And someone did:  ME.  I pushed him away from me and it wasn’t fair to him.  I tell people all the time that he deserved better and he found better.  And I can be nothing but HAPPY for that man because everyone deserves to be happy and I was too young, immature, and selfish to understand what I had at the time.  When we broke off our engagement, everyone wanted to know what HE did and I pointed it out VERY quickly that I was the cause of the demise of that relationship.

I don’t regret it because I learned a lot about myself.  This was about 20 years ago now. I’m a totally different person BUT what I THOUGHT was a relationship and true love also pushed me to not welcoming love.  I think I wrote about the one guy that dragged me along for about 3 years and told me, after all the time we spent together talking about our future and all that, that we weren’t even dating here.  Even my male best friend kind of kicked me to the curb.  Got married and I couldn’t even get an invite to the wedding (some best friend, huh?)  I mean, we’re cool and I love him very much but I’m not messing up a marriage so I keep my distance.  I wasn’t good enough for him so that’s cool as well (and no, I’m not saying it with bitterness because, if I allow it, there is someone out there for me).

People talk about how pretty, funny, and real I am but they don’t really want ME.  And that’s cool.  I have seen how quickly I can be thrown away.  Maybe they are afraid of being loved as well, I don’t know but two damaged people can’t be together so I guess it’s natural selection.  LOL

The guy that I referred to in my last post as The Most Patient Guy in the World has literally been pursuing me for years.  In that time, I think maybe I have been in worthless relationships and he might have been in one too.  But we were always cordial.  We met on Plenty of Fish AND Ok Cupid which is kind of funny. This dude has literally been around making me laugh and I have been there returning the laughs and support when needed because I feel that I personally need to provide friends and people that I am interested in with mental, spiritual, and sometimes physical support.  It’s something I pride myself on.  I might not like many people but the few that I like will tell you that I support those I care about.

Unfortunately, TMPGITW is in a field that could get him hurt or killed.  This mere fact made it so that I wasn’t trying to get anywhere near close to him.  Why? Fear that I would get attached to him and something would take him from me. As you guys know, I have a therapist and a psychiatrist.  I went ahead and told her the situation and why I have been ducking all advances.  She asked me if I told him about it.  I hadn’t.  Funny thing is:  The people I care about have known about this guy for years and have been telling me that you can’t live your life in fear.  I turned around and told the therapist and she told me to go ahead and tell him and see what he says or does.  Being honest might help.

What Happened?

Well, I went ahead and told him and he was blown away.  All this time, he thought I wasn’t interested.  He thought that I was just blowing him off.  He didn’t know how much I talked about him and how my friends had been telling me to give him a chance to show his interest in me.  Communication is very important and I say this all the time.  Sometimes I don’t know how to practice what I preach.  People are telling me not to block my blessings, I’m trying.  But I put myself out there.

At least he knows where my head is and he took a day off to take me around to be silly (see Doing Things for Yourself Can Be Fun).  What dude takes you to look at engagement rings without being scared or thinking you’re a total nut?  I mean, yes, he thinks I am a total nut and I heckled him the whole time we were out but we did some talking.  Well, I talked because he doesn’t really talk much but I’ll fix that.  LOL

The Future

I pride myself on being honest regarding my feelings and being “real” but this topic as to where my issues come from is important to know. Now I have to figure out how to rectify it.  Just as I figured out my triggers and came up with plans to avoid said triggers, I have to now figure out how to adjust my thinking.  This will be a process because having attachment issues isn’t an easy thing to get over.  It’s also why I don’t introduce my daughter to prospects until I feel that it’s going to be long term (that didn’t work out that well for me with that dude that I spent years with who said that we weren’t dating).  I don’t want to damage my daughter when it comes to men so she knows my family and people that I see weekly as friends.

I’ll get myself together but my main message is that everyone is the way they are for a reason.  It’s up to us to figure it out either alone or with a little help. There is nothing wrong with it.  The next step is to go ahead and work on it but you have to get to the root of the problem to grow from it.  If you don’t love and life can pass you by.

Doing Things for Yourself Can Be Fun

As a single mom, my child is a priority that I take very seriously but somehow I got lost along the way.  I work, I play my little games on my phone, go on Duolingo and learn languages, and make vids of my little family.  I don’t get my hair done because I work from home and can look homeless all day and not have a care in the world. I try not to deal with people too much so I do things when most people aren’t awake (see Knowing Your Triggers).  Remember my posts about triggers and being bipolar (actually diagnosed and not just calling myself bipolar) so going out among people isn’t always fun but it is when you have great people with you.  How was I able to do things that made me happy?

Tax Time

I haven’t gotten my hair braided in maybe three years now. Whenever I wanted to, I always thought about a bill I could pay or getting clothes for my growing teenager. I could always find something else more important to do with my money and it wasn’t in reference to me. I took the week off from work to decompress but the decompressing came with a ton of errands.  However, Sunday, I begrudgingly went and got my hair braided. I say this because $220.00 could have paid off my Target card (don’t worry, I paid off small cards with my tax money and put a lot into savings, I’m no fool).  I got my hair done and it put me in a different mindset (or maybe the braids were just too tight). I felt good and gave myself permission to get some clothes so as not to look homeless when I went out. My nephew has an event I need to go to and my sister is having a jewelry party. I can’t go around scaring people.  So New York and Co got my money (I paid that card off too).  Remember I had gained and lost a lot of weight so I was relegated to sweat pants and work out gear.

So the hair got done, clothes purchased (for myself and my daughter because she is in women’s clothing now), now what?

Time Off

So I took a week off after getting a raise and bonus date (so I can pay more things down, sorry, I can’t help it).

Monday

It was flippin President’s Day. I had planned to hang out with the only guy that has tolerated me for years but we both had our kids so I was lazy. HOWEVER, I got my German Shepherd a grooming appointment.

Tuesday

I did my annual at the GYN. I ain’t had sex in over 4 years but you gotta get all that checked out before it falls out because of non use.  I got to play with my bestie’s growing belly (we having a baby yall) and talk to her during her lunch (which she treated me to) I also took my cat to the groomer’s. WAIT! I actually have a cat. Her name is Cutie. I wasn’t talking about my….. nevermind.

Wednesday

Took those above mentioned raggedy jerks to the vet and spent up half my bonus. Yo, that hurt my feelers yall. LOL But it needed to be done.

Thursday

 

I had planned to hang with another great friend of mine (Whitney, and she told me to forget our plans and go out with that man) but the most patient man in the world took off so that we could hang out. I had the best time. He took me to a very nice place for breakfast and then we went to the mall. BUT, I saw a Jared and always said that I just wanted to go there and try on rings like I was going to get married so I could say “We went to Jared”. He is such a GREAT sport because I can’t see many men doing this because some women would get the wrong idea. This man went in the store and we answered questions with made up answers and I was sitting there laughing. He played along very well. Even picked some rings that he “liked” for me. I took pics and posted them on Facebook and had people baffled but the people that KNOW me knew better and were laughing.

I had to leave that store before I fell out laughing and this nut was strolling out the store talking bout “Why you walking so fast? Did you steal something?” LOL Then we walked around the mall talking and making up stories for the salespeople that asked questions. I did a ton of laughing. I hadn’t laughed like that in a long time.

 Friday

My daughter had her Honor Roll Assembly. Couldn’t miss that. I am so proud of her but don’t want her to go to high school.  She’s my baby girl. She loves Target so I am getting her a gift card.

 

My friend that yelled at me and made me reschedule OUR day together because she wanted me to go out with TMPMITW (The Most Patient Man in the World) and I went to David’s Bridal to play in wedding dresses. I had made an appointment and went in there with made up dates for the both of us. My wedding is October 7th. LOL While trying on dresses, I fell in love with one. My salesperson’s name was Kathy Johnson so if you are looking for a dress and are near Springfield, VA, go see Kathy. She found the dresses and I just went along with it. My friend, Whitney and I made up stories, talked about my “fiance”, took pics, danced, laughed, and I didn’t even skip a beat when asked what my venue was (I was engaged before so I chose that place LOL).

We then hit the mall where I introduced Whitney to the crack that is known as Cinnabon. I thought everyone had had it before. I was wrong. I apologize again, Whitney, we will get you the help you need. LOL

Saturday

I will be with all my siblings as we watch my nephew get his second black belt.  Hanging with ALL my siblings doesn’t happen a lot but when it does, it’s full of laughter and fun. This was what I needed but, better yet, I deserved it. Being with the people I love and not worrying about a thing.

What I Learned

Sometimes you have to do things for yourself. As long as you have priorities, everything will work out fine. I will remember this week but I also need to make time to spend with my friends. They make me happy and sometimes I don’t give myself credit for the happiness I give them. I always talk about how they make me feel but maybe I make them feel good things too. I often see myself as a burden.

I also learned that I would make a beautiful bride once I let someone in but that’s another blog as I had very in depth conversations with my therapist and friends regarding my aversion to opening myself up to loving someone and where it came from.  Because this was a memorable week, I felt the need to share. Thanks for reading.

Things I Learned the Hard Way in the Dating World

I was pretty late to the game of dating so I didn’t know a lot of things.  With every lesson, however, I learned not to make the same mistake again. Some of these lessons were really hard and hurtful to learn but sometimes that’s just the way life is.  I will share the main ones that I learned.

Ask DIRECT Questions

When I say this, I mean you ask you have to seriously ask real questions.  Don’t gloss over them.  Also, ask them in a different way.  Men are funny (I’m speaking on the men because that’s who I dated).  You literally have to pose every single scenario to get them to tell the truth because many will find a loophole so that they are not seen as lying.

The loser that I lost my virginity to was separated.  I had no clue.  Why did I have no clue?  Because he brought me around his family and they welcome me, I hung out at his place, and he had said “No” when I asked him if he was married.  Now, to me, if you’re separated you’re still married. I don’t care what anyone says. So for me to lose my virginity to this jerk really sucked.

How I Learned

When I found out that he was separated, his response to me was “You didn’t ask me if I was separated.” My bad. So asking you if you were married was not the same as asking if you were separated.  NOTED!  I never made that mistake again.  NOW I ask all the questions and I don’t care if someone has a problem with being “interviewed” or not.  You’re not going to find some loophole and then act like you were honest all along. I’m also not going to ask questions that I don’t want to know the answer to.

What I Learned

Family can be just as shady as the dude you’re dating. They will hide skeletons for their family because I guess family is over everything.  You can meet their mom and all that and they won’t utter a sound about a man being married, separated, a deadbeat or anything.  Maybe they don’t care but I care.  And I wouldn’t allow some random to come around my family until I was done with the marriage.  I also wouldn’t allow any of my family to bring people around when they have a whole wife or husband.  That’s just rude but everyone isn’t raised like me.

Everyone’s Definition of Dating is Different

To me, dating is spending time with a person that you are interested in.  To others, it’s hanging out with PEOPLE that you MIGHT be interested in.  Because I am a single mom and don’t have a lot of time to devote to other people, I don’t go out on a lot of dates.  I’m one of those people that will talk to you for months before actually going out with you.  Going out means that I am interested because I actually got dressed and left my house to see you and spend time with you. I don’t just do that and I am not a free meal chaser so I’m not just hanging out with you for free food.  Some women do that but that’s not how I roll.

As a single mom, I have to find someone to watch my daughter, THEN I have to look nice and leave the comfort of my home?  You have to be VERY special for me to want to do that which is why I have been on ONE date last year and I’m fine with it.  It would have been two dates with the same person but he knows the story and we still laugh about it.  I’m sure I will see him again but, so far, he’s the only person I would spend my time with.

How I Learned

This was a very hard lesson to learn and it hurt me because I actually was in love with this man.  I literally spent time with a guy, brought my child around him, spent weekends with my child with him, cooked together, laid together, played video games together, etc and this man told me that what we were doing wasn’t dating.  THAT was a VERY hard lesson to learn.  I thought we were in a relationship.  But his definition of dating and relationships was different than mine.  I was there for him through everything.  His friends even called me and told me that I was good for him and that I should never give up on him and all that. I was his confidant, I encouraged him to take better care of himself mentally and physically.  All that energy and I was just some broad that he was dealing with.

However, once I got tired of being treated the way I was and after he put all that out there (it wasn’t like he was trying to curb me or anything, we literally talked all day every day, and spent tons of time together, he was playing a role and I thought we were on the same page), he then tried to dangle a ring in my face talking about some “I was ready to marry you.”  How can you be ready to marry someone you weren’t even dating?  I’m confused.

WHAT I Learned

That if the words are not said that you are exclusive and are in a relationship, don’t give them relationship privileges.  I gave that man three years of my life on and off.  I supported him through some seriously tough times.  I invested myself in him. I brought my child around him.  She loved that man but yeah, it wasn’t a relationship and we weren’t dating even though me leaving made him say that he was ready to marry me.  I could actually write a whole blog about that ONE relationship and it would be extremely long.  I think he broke me in a lot of ways.

Dating for Sport

competingantm

I was always raised to date with marriage in mind or to date with a purpose.  It seems that people just date for fun now.  It’s fun.  It’s a competition.  It reminds me of America’s Top Model when the dudes that these women are competing for aren’t even all that great.

This actually goes back to the first point I made about DIRECT questions.  Ask them if they are dating other people.  If I am entertaining anyone, it’s one person.  A lot of people claim that this is putting all my eggs in one basket and I’m fine with that.  Once I find out that he’s not really into me or interested, I can move on with my life.  But I don’t have that great of a memory to date a bunch of people.  I also don’t think you can really get to know ONE person when you’re dating a bunch of people.

I promptly ask if they are dating other people because, honestly, I’m fine with stepping out of the way so that they can find their true love.  I don’t want to jump into a competition.  A bunch of people don’t compete for my time (unless you count my daughter and animals) so I wouldn’t do that to someone else because I would NEVER be available otherwise.

However, I am now cognizant of the fact that a man can give you a TON of his time and still be dating other people.  Technically the aforementioned points tie in to this one.  The story about the one guy I fell in love with is definitely proof of this as well.  I guess he just had a LOT of time on his hands.

Maybe I was dumb because he would try to tell me to date other people which was off when I really just wanted to spend my time with him (and directly told him this).  I wasn’t good enough for him in some way I guess so I had to come to grips with that. It really hurt but I needed to learn that lesson.

It’s really funny to me how men complain about how much dating costs BUT wouldn’t you save money if you slowed down on dating a bunch of people and did sensible things on dates instead of putting on a show by trying to take women to these expensive restaurants just to stomp on her heart later (okay, that sounds bitter but I mean, really).

Meeting Family Means NOTHING!!!!

Some people just bring all the women around their family. Maybe their families are like the judges in America’s Next Top Girlfriend.  Who knows?  I’ve met a number of moms and families.  I guess that’s the new rule: bring everyone around your family and make the woman think it’s something that it’s not.  The loser I lost my virginity to and the guy that strung me along for 3 years both introduced me to their families and close friends.  It’s no longer reserved for people that you are serious about.

Times have changed and actions no longer speak louder than words.  People lie with their words and their actions and it’s just really too hard to tell at this point to take anyone seriously.

People Don’t Like Answering Questions

Because of that experience where someone decided that they didn’t lie because they didn’t tell the whole truth, I have learned to ask more and BETTER questions.  Some men get turned off by this and I’m actually fine with it.  When I had a singles group, I asked a bunch of questions before letting people into the group.  I asked the questions because I didn’t want to leave any room for people to lie. Some of the questions were:

  • Are you married?
  • Are you in an exclusive relationship?
  • Does anyone think you are in an exclusive relationship?
  • Is anyone currently pregnant with your child or thinks they’re pregnant with your child?
  • Are you separated?
  • Do you live with your ex wife or separated soon to be ex wife or girlfriend?
  • Can someone of the opposite sex come to your house without there being drama?

Ask them questions because you don’t want them biting you in the butt later because you didn’t know.  Some baby might pop up on you and you’ll be sitting there looking silly while the man you thought you were dating is sitting up on Maury checking for paternity results.

Just Because they Look Good On Paper Doesn’t Mean They are Good People

How I Learned

My daughter’s father.  On paper this guy looked like a good guy.  Raised in a middle class, two parent household.  His parents adopted two children before having him.  He went to Howard and got a degree, he had godchildren that he was very good with, was a former member of the Coast Guard, and was a teacher.  Who knew he would bounce when he knew I was pregnant, skip from state to state to get avoid taking a DNA test, and “lose” a job, steal his mom’s money (she has dementia), and travel the world?

What I Learned

No matter how long or how well you THINK you know a person, there is always more to learn about them. I knew that deadbeat for 8 years prior to doing anything with him. I thought I knew him but I didn’t.  And here I am with a now 13 year old girl that has only seen her “father” about three times in her life.

Abstaining from Sex is Bad

Many of these dudes don’t want you if you’re not giving up anything.  Some might stay around and fake the funk while being with the other women that they are seeing to make it SEEM like they’re going to wait for you because they’re “interested” but they’re not.  Most of them like to play the role.  If you wait long enough, the texts will fade out and they’ll just fade away which is fine.  Making it known up front that you’re not into just having sex with someone you don’t know is enough to make a man run faster than if they were running from the police.  But it’s cool to weed them out.

When I first started dating (when I was 19), men would wait a whole year before they got anything.  I didn’t really know the value of sex and what was tied to it though (I lost my virginity at 20).  However, at my age now, I did learn the difference between f*cking and making love.  I can no longer do the former.  It’s a waste of time and not even worth dealing with the guy to do.  I don’t masturbate either as I feel that it’s just not worth it.  That connection you feel when you’re with someone you actually love is unmatched. It’s just not something that you can play with so I don’t anymore. When I was younger, I had a whole flippin team but that went away the one time I fell in love and I have never gone back.

Okay, I’m Done

Okay, I think I got off topic but you get it.  These are the things I have learned in my short time of dating.  But there is a reason that I don’t date.  I think I am (well I WAS) more serious about it than many other people are.  And it’s hard to find someone with my dating style that takes dating seriously.  At the age of 39, playing games isn’t something that I like to do.  Because I haven’t dated a lot, this is all I have learned for the most part.

Because I am an honest person and have nothing to hide or be ashamed of, I expect people to give me the same courtesy but it doesn’t work that way.  So either you start playing the game like them (and change yourself) or stay who you are, stay single, and be happy (unless you don’t like being single).  The dating stories I hear out here on the streets are not something I want to be a part of and would likely land me on an episode of Snapped.  So I’ll chill in the cut and watch other people fall in love.  I truly love love but I don’t think it’s for me.  And I’m actually fine with that.

What are some lessons that you learned the hard way in the dating world?

 

 

Weight Update!

If anyone has been paying attention to my blogs, you will know about my weight issues.  If you need a refresher, you can go here and here.  It was a struggle but, since finding out what caused the weight gain, I am down about 41 lbs.

Although I had some ankle issues from saving the cats and falling in mud, I have gotten back to (somewhat) normal in my working out.  The ice, snow, and rain don’t really help but I do what I can.  I do most of my working out in the gym and at home.  I need to step my game up in the Steps department (according to my Fitbit) but I really am coming along.  My goal is 180 lbs but I see the inches coming off and my body fat lowering so I am good with that.

People are surprised with how fast the weight came off but, even when I was frustrated from gaining weight while I was doing everything I was supposed to be doing, I was still working out and eating right. I knew something was wrong.  I have now been off the Metformin after three months of being on it because my doc noted that my A1C went back to normal and that I didn’t need it anymore.  I knew that was the case but I am annoyed because I did get turned down for extra life insurance because I had been diagnosed with diabetes last year.  It’s cool though.  Anyhow, let me find some pics to share with you guys.

These are oldest to newest.  I have some more that I will be taking but I want to take them when I hit my goal weight.  I just have to hit 180 lbs again for my own sanity.  As of now, I’m am just happy to be back in the 190s. Trying my best to stay on this side of 200 because I don’t want to go there again.

But yeah, this is my weight loss.  And if anyone in my family wants to call me “fat” again, I’m cool with it because I’m “fat” and in shape so it doesn’t even matter.

Why I Put Up Unattractive and Crappy Profile and Cover Photos on Facebook

One thing that I have been known for on Facebook for the decade I have been on is the fact that I put up unattractive pics of myself or other people. I also have decent pics of myself but I make the unattractive ones my cover and profile pics. I do it for a lot of reasons but one of the main reasons I do it, besides pissing my friends off, is because my study of sociology has shown me that people truly judge you based off your pics. Mind you, I have other public pics that are decent. But, when in a debate with someone that has run out of ammo, they run to your page to attack your looks. It’s just fun to do.

16797165_10154899818836718_9161700666498175006_o

29496512_10156088605961718_2766182268333457408_n
My sister caught me while I was minding my business. I thought it was funny. We can’t be perfect all the time. Don’t like it? Don’t look.
11109287_10153364147966718_4820270465649577116_n
A Facebook friend made this for me and I still love it. I don’t care what anyone says.

I Have High Self Esteem

I have told you guys about how bad I was treated in the past for being a slim, black woman in Being a Skinny, Black Girl in America. I later learned how to accept myself and not really care what these people think that know nothing about me. It comes from my upbringing. I worried so much about how people thought about me, my dress, my actions, etc. I had to learn to like me for me.

Once I did that, life was better because I literally didn’t care anymore. I was not going to let these people stress me out so I distanced myself from them for my own sanity and have been doing a lot better.

Gaining Followers Because of Attractive Pics vs Unattractive Pics

There were times when I would monitor the number of followers I got on Facebook based on the pics. If I had attractive pics, of course, I would get more followers (I don’t friend people that I don’t know or haven’t interacted with). The people on my list are usually people that I have known over a decade or new friends that I love to talk to or have plans on meeting (males and females but mostly females).

I really like to laugh at it because it shows how men are so stuck on looks. At one point, there were men that claimed that men weren’t visual creatures. They literally told me that and I laughed. Not only because I have experienced it personally BUT because other men have said it plenty of times. I’m not a visual person. If you respect me, make me laugh, and actually talk to me like a real person, I’m all for it.

People Treat You SO Much Differently When they Think You’re Unattractive

I have seen it and it makes me laugh so hard. First of all, because most people are so pressed to go on your page to investigate what you look like so that they can figure out how to proceed in a debate with you. If you say something that they don’t like, they go to your page. They figure out how much farther to take it based off what they see. I have had some people that were so lazy that they didn’t even do that (I have real pics on my page and I’m not a troll or anything). They just literally look at your profile pic and GO IN! I have had fake, unattractive pics up and they start talking crap and I just laugh at their stupidity. I don’t care how you look if we’re debating, HOWEVER, if you make it a point to go to my page for ammo on my physical appearance because you have no more intelligent dialogue to present, I can return the favor. I don’t mess with people because of their looks unless they come for mine. But, usually, the person that is talking about my looks doesn’t have a pic up.

They usually use the excuse that they don’t have to have their pics up. That’s true. So don’t sit here and talk about my appearance if we don’t have an even playing field. If you’re pretty, they don’t bother you for the most part, especially the men. Women might try it which is really sad.

To tell someone that they are unattractive because you don’t like what they said on a subject is pretty low. So I just laugh but I totally die when they think that pics that aren’t me are me. It speaks even more to their level of intelligence and gets an even bigger kick out of me. I mean, I laugh so hard it’s not even funny.

Judging Your Level of Intelligence Based Off Your Looks

I’m confused. Do you have to be attractive to be intelligent? I actually was about to write another blog about attractive women being smart and how men seem to be annoyed by the fact that a beautiful woman can be smart. I have seen this on many occasions with some Facebook friends of mine. Absolutely gorgeous women and the stereotypes that men hurl at them. But, in this case, if you are unattractive (or perceived as unattractive), your opinion doesn’t matter and you don’t deserve respect. It’s sad but funny at the same time.

People are automatically nicer to you if you are pretty; not recognizing that beautiful doesn’t always mean that you’re a smart or good person just as being unattractive doesn’t mean that you’re a bad or dumb person. I kind of blame fairy tales for things like this. The Good Witch in the Wizard of Oz was pretty, the Bad Witch was unattractive. Disney movies portray the bad person as unattractive and jealous which is why they do mean things to the beautiful or handsome protagonist. In all movies BUT The Hunchback of Notre Dame, the protagonist got the girl; not Quasimodo. He got nothing. The object of his affection ignored him even though he treated her right. It seems as though Disney redeemed themselves with Beauty and the Beast even though, in the end, he was still a beautiful man. But she had fallen in love with the person and not his outward appearance.

I try to tell people this all the time. Trash comes in all packages. You can be absolutely handsome/beautiful but just a crappy person period. And the same can apply to unattractive people. We can’t always control our looks so, in the end, everyone should get respect until they give us a reason to disrespect them. But a debate where someone doesn’t agree with you should never resort to name calling and insults. That’s not how mature dialogue works. I have to state this often but no one hears me, especially depending on the picture that I have up.

Males (Homophobic Usually) Will Unfriend You

I had a guy that I was cool with unfriend me because I had a pic of like a line of gay dancers as my profile pic. I commented on his status and the dude blocked me. I had to laugh. I asked him why. He said because he didn’t want his friends to think he was gay. That told more about his character than anything. To be so worried about what other people thought about you based on the people that you are cool with on Facebook is funny. So what if you have gay friends. Does that make you gay? If someone thinks that based off who you talk to and vilify you for it, then what kind of friends were they in the first place?

Well, I am ending my lil rant right now but I know I’m not alone in seeing this. Maybe you can conduct your own social experiment and see how your experiences are like mine. You might learn something. I’m one of those people that care more about personality than anything. I just think that we have more important things to focus on as far as having friends or even looking for someone to date or marry. If that person makes you feel good in other ways than sex, they are a keeper. But there are some people that don’t notice it until it’s too late and they’re talking to a divorce lawyer or the police.

Have you seen this happen? Tell me about your experiences or observations in the comments.

Knowing Your Triggers

First, let’s discuss what triggers are from a mental health standpoint:

A trigger is something that sets off a memory tape or flashback transporting the person back to the event of her/his original trauma.

Triggers are very personal; different things trigger different people. The survivor may begin to avoid situations and stimuli that she/he thinks triggered the flashback. She/he will react to this flashback, trigger with an emotional intensity similar to that at the time of the trauma. A person’s triggers are activated through one or more of the five senses: sight, sound, touch, smell and taste. – Source: Psych Central

With that said, the first thing that people think about are people that suffer from PTSD. It’s funny because I have some triggers that are good such as crayons reminding me of elementary school or seeing a store or something that makes me smile because it reminds me of a person that I like. However, for some people, they are things that truly make them feel the total opposite. My dad is a Vietnam Vet. Although I would really like to know about his experiences (and he has shared some), I choose really not to ask him certain things because I really don’t want to trigger him. I know that one of his triggers is helicopters. They stress him out and I totally get it just from watching documentaries. But this post is not about my dad, it’s about myself and others and how they identify and cope with their triggers.

Identifying Your Triggers

How does one do that exactly? It’s weird that I don’t really know how I got my triggers but I learned what they are. It could be from my upbringing. I’m pretty sure it is from my upbringing but my triggers are mine and mine alone as my siblings don’t seem to exhibit the same responses to the things that trigger me. I do know that I hate bullies with a passion. I do not like to be picked on or ganged up on. It is something that I don’t cope very well with. Now, this could be because people picked on me a lot when I was younger because I was the tall and skinny Jehovah’s Witness girl. It could be because sometimes my family would gang up on me and tell me everything bad about myself (or that’s how I saw it at the time).

I do know that my upbringing and the things I saw and heard in my dysfunctional family really did impact me as an adult. I had to come to grips with those things.

How to Come to Grips with Your Triggers

Outside of figuring out what they are, you have to figure out how to deal with them. When I was triggered, I got very violent. I have been known to, on a number of occasions, pull a knife out on people. One incident that I had alluded to in previous blogs (Let’s REALLY Talk About Suicide , People Just Don’t Get It, and Bipolar and Black ) involved my father and a knife. I hold NO ill will to my father because I have never lived his life and I don’t know how he has made it this far without literally killing himself so I respect him for that. However, when he gets drunk, he tends to be a bully. He has been that way since I was younger. He was verbally abusive to us and I can still remember a lot of his words that I will not repeat. That day, in addition to missing ONE of my meds, I got fed up and really was on the verge of stabbing him.

Now, notice, I was already on meds. I took it upon myself to seek mental help and get on meds at the age of 20 because I KNEW something was wrong with me. I knew it. My temper was horrible and my goal was NEVER to be a victim so I always thought of ways to literally kill people if they tried me. To me, everything is a weapon and I still believe that. The goal is to not have to use said weapons. These came from my upbringing. It came from being verbally abused and watching my mom be verbally (and I believe, physically) abused. This is likely why I never PICK fights but, if I feel that someone has done me wrong, I will fly off the handle.

New meds helped me get over that incident. My father forgave me and I forgave myself and him. I learned that you can’t just go into a flying rage. When I look at my two fingers on my right hand, I am reminded of what I did. The knife went through my hand and cut the tendons in two of my fingers. This happened 10 years ago but I reflect on it a lot because 1) I literally had reached my breaking point and 2) I was in the psych ward for a week and I would never want to return to that.

What Did I Learn?

Everything doesn’t warrant a violent response. Although I have probably had about two to four more incidents after that, it has never gotten all the way to that point. I have to still myself and think. But there are people that like to test you. Members of my family are the main culprits which is really irritating because they KNOW my temper. It’s as if they are trying to dare me into doing what they know I am capable of. And that in itself irritates me (trigger). You know what I am capable of but you still want to try me, why?

I have one sibling that I have never gotten along with that says the most hateful and heartless things. I have gotten into it with her on many occasions. People that feel that their family and their feelings aren’t valid and don’t even want to hear them bother me. Everyone has feelings and a right to express them. Never silence those feelings because you might be at that person’s funeral one day because you chose to be a jerk instead of just being a listening ear but I digress. Because of certain things, I don’t really have too much to say to her because we always tend to get into arguments due to her utter lack of empathy. The same goes for the woman that called me fat on numerous occasions. When my family came at me in the past, it was always in packs. I never liked that so I learned to disengage.

How Social Media Helped Me

In addition to having TWO great professionals that have been working with me for the past 10 years, I have found my own way to deal with people that are jerks. One way is to just use my words. In the past, I used to hit people. The thing is: You can’t hit, stab, or choke people out on the internet. So when people say really rude, nasty, and unnecessary things to me online, I have to use my words. In the past, I didn’t use my words, I just went straight to the violence because I didn’t have time to try to reason with someone. I recognize this now from tons of self evaluation and talking to my therapist and psychiatrist. I have been on meds for almost 30 years now. The process in learning yourself isn’t an easy one and can be very frustrating. I also believe that obtaining my Bachelor’s degree in Psychology really helped. I had to look into myself and my memories a lot and come to an understanding of who I was as a person.

Avoiding Triggers

Basically, I learned that my triggers are people period. I just don’t really get along with them and I can’t do disrespect. Most people can’t do disrespect but my response is not the typical response to it. Because I know that is my problem, I do things to avoid it. I have the best job working from home (I hope to keep it forever). I have learned to just disengage when people (especially family) try me. I go shopping when other people aren’t out. My friends make fun of me because I go to grocery stores as soon as they open. If Aldi opened at six, I would be there at six. They now open at 8 which is great (they used to open at 10). Because I work from home, I don’t have to drive much and deal with rude drivers.

My medications help in that they put a little barrier up so that everything doesn’t piss me off anymore. But staying away from people and unknown situations also helps. I go to very few places and I also use music to help me.

Because I don’t want to damage my daughter (who has special needs), I try to go outside of my comfort zone and do different things but I can’t usually handle them for a long time. I stay away from crowds (people tend to be rude by stepping on you and not acknowledging you even if you’re a giant like me). I try my best to do more for my daughter because she is a social butterfly and loves people and it takes a lot out of me but I do it because she shouldn’t suffer because of my affliction. My introversion comes from really trying to stay out of trouble because I know what I am capable of.

And although the almost stabbing incident happened 10 years ago, as I stated, I have had a few more incidents that could have resulted in serious violence. One happened when I had to ration out my meds because I didn’t have insurance (some people truly NEED meds). Since that incident, I haven’t missed meds. So if you can piss me off and I’m on meds, you’ve really gone far and I do my best to disengage.

One thing that I don’t like is when people expect the world to change for them because they have triggers. The world will not change for you. You have to learn what causes your triggers and learn to cope with them.

Every year, people say things like “Don’t light fireworks because of vets” or “Don’t make April Fool’s Day jokes about being pregnant because some women can’t get pregnant”. Remember when I said that my dad didn’t like helicopters? He learned to COPE with them. The world will not change to make you feel comfortable. The world will continue to change and grow and will never bend to your will. So don’t be a victim of your triggers. It sounds harsh but it is reality. I can’t expect people not to try me because I have a horrible temper. What I CAN do is change how I respond to those triggers and not let them rule my life. Yes, it is still a work in progress (especially when it comes to new places and meeting new people) but I try because this world is not, and will NEVER be, centered around me.

Please take these words into consideration coming from someone that has to cope with their past on a daily basis. It is better to be cognizant of your triggers than to ignore them or expect the rest of the world to handle you with kid gloves because of your past. We have options. We can’t be victims for the rest of our lives.

I’m Natural But I Don’t Like a Lot of Y’all Natural Folks

You know how I always say that you don’t have to down a whole group to uplift yourself?  Well, that applies to natural haired women.  I went natural about 5 years ago because I enjoyed doing my daughter’s natural hair (which she has since cut but this ain’t about her).  As a child, my mom always went in on “nappy” hair and put a relaxer in my hair at about the age of 8.  I don’t fault her for it as she had 3 girls and her own head to do.  She never really had a good opinion of natural hair so she didn’t like it that my daughter was natural.  That’s great.  I broke the cycle *applause*.  However, most of my life, I was relaxed and had very healthy, long hair.  I treated my hair like natural people treat their hair (I have to remember some dialogue I had with a woman today about this).  I didn’t use heat and I think I stretched my relaxers from like 3-6 mos.  There was a time (before I cut it) that people swore my hair was fake.  It wasn’t but I kept some braids in too long and it ruined my hair so I got it cut into a bob at the age of about 17.  Fun times.

Anyhow, after that, I just really wasn’t into hair.  My exes used to pay to get my hair done and stuff. That was always nice but, as I got older, I continued to get relaxers with no issues.  When I had my daughter, I wanted her to understand that she was fine just the way she was no matter what snide comments my mom made about her hair.  My mom probably has like 3A hair and didn’t want not ONE curl or kink in it.  She would relax her hair just because.  Said we got our “nappy hair” from our father.  Kids remember things like that.  So I had to break that cycle with my daughter.  Besides, I LOVED doing twists on her hair and the like.  I, however, suck at cornrows so I would take her to get her hair done because my  mom used to take me to get my hair done.  Kie would get her hair done every 2-4 weeks.  I even found a kids salon (that I just found out moved to flippin North Carolina on me after Kie cut her hair off).  But let me get to the subject at hand.

When I was transitioning (I’m used to long hair so I wasn’t doing a “big chop), I went to natural hair groups to learn some things.  What did I learn there?

Women that Wear Weaves Don’t Like Themselves

Come on, man.  I know plenty of people that wear weaves because they’re lazy (like me but I can’t afford bundles), they are busy and don’t have time to be playing in hair all day, they like versatility (and don’t want to put chemicals in their hair), they don’t like to put heat on their hair, or they want to give their hair a rest.

Why does it have to be that there is some sort of internal issue?  Why can’t a person just do what they want with their hair and live.  India Arie told us years ago “I am not my hair”.  Everyone has their own struggle.  Everyone has to do what works for them.  It doesn’t have to do with conforming to others and their wishes.  I sure didn’t.  Like Cartman said “I do what I want.”

Women That Are Relaxed Have Unhealthy Hair

You sure about that?  I see a lot of people with natural hair putting chemicals in their hair, especially color.  That isn’t all that healthy either but okay.  Why you worried about the chemical she puts in her hair when you’re still putting chemicals in your hair?  Like I said, my hair is just as long and healthy as it was when I was relaxed. Grew like a weed. Take care of your hair and it will be good to you.  Healthy eating, exercise, drinking water, etc helps.  It’s not all about the relaxer.

Black Women Are the Only Group That HATES Their Hair

Interesting.  The good thing about knowing about other cultures is that you can see that everything isn’t relegated to ONE race.  You think Hispanic folks don’t get their curly hair straightened?  They do.  You think everyone was born with straight hair?  I worked with Hispanic women that straightened their hair DAILY.  That isn’t always their hair texture.  Why do you think they get blow outs at the Dominican salons?  For fun?  And we don’t hate our hair, it’s versatility.  There is NOTHING wrong with doing your hair differently from time to time.  Who are they hurting?  Just as Asian people can curl their hair, why can’t we straighten ours without having our motives questioned?

Then a girl tried to tell me it’s “appropriation”.  So when we do it, it’s cultural appropriation as well?  Some black people have straight hair.  So how are we appropriating something that is actually in our genes?  I asked her if she knew the ethnicity of everyone in the world to make such a generalization.  Think about it:  Why do you think people are all into the ancestry and stuff?  Because we don’t know what we are.  We are all mixed with something so how can I appropriate when I am just about everything?  LOL  Shoot, I know there is white in me so where’s the issue?  If I want to wear green hair, I have that right.  Who exactly does it hurt?

I think there are people in Japan that actually want kinky hair and have taken measures to achieve that look as well. There are White people that perm (not relax) their hair because they don’t like their hair straight. And don’t get me started on black folks getting mad at other people braiding or putting their hair in locs. I wasn’t there when the first loc was made nor the first braid so I can’t claim anything and half of us can’t claim anything either because we’re all mixed with something.

Men Are More Attracted to “Natural” Women

People have got to learn to mind their own business.  And the MEN!  A LOT of y’all jump on that bandwagon too.  It’s HAIR, man.  It can be changed.  You might miss out out on a great woman because she had a weave in when you saw her the first time.  Doesn’t mean she always rocks a weave.  It’s HAIR.  It doesn’t define her personality or her worth.

We have so much against us already yet we, as black people, try to separate ourselves from one another day in and day out.  I’ve been on both sides of a lot of things.  I think that’s disrespectful to go in on people for having their own opinion when it comes to their OWN hair. If you are not paying for my hair or doing my hair (for free), then shut up.  No one asked you.

I have always said that if we were all the same, we would find a way to separate ourselves.  We would find SOMETHING that made us feel better than the next person.

I have been in and left a LOT of natural hair groups because they can’t seem to get it together.  We can all be beautiful in our own right.  You think these celebrities are worried about yall talking about how they’re always wearing weaves?  No, because it protects their hair from a bunch of styling and burning that would break their hair off.  That’s why a lot of people wear wigs and weaves. They respect their crown.  Me?  I wear wraps because my arms hurt from twisting all this hair (and I have a lot).  I had a lot when it was relaxed and I have a lot natural.  Nothing changed about my personality either.

For some reason, people really think that people change with the texture of their hair. Sure, you might feel a little happy because you don’t have to twist your hair and clog up the shower when you wash it.  You might get more sleep which actually could help you be happier because all you have to do is get out the bed, take your bonnet off, and bounce. But it doesn’t change who you are as a person.

We really need to stop putting so much stock in hair.  It’s truly not that serious.  As I have said before. We’ve got an idiot in the White House trying to go to war with any and everyone, people are being shot and killed for nothing, there are wildfires all over the place, and trees are falling on houses. When you get to heaven, do you think God is going to ask about the texture or color of your hair?  Nah. So shut up and let people live.

It’s a shame that I learned more in natural hair groups about hating people that weren’t natural than how to control my mane, IJS…..

Update on the Weight Loss and Diabetes

I said I would give you guys an update and that is what I shall do.  I have had a lot of ups and downs with these medication changes.  I did a lot of crying, had to re enlist the help of my therapist again, and just sleep a lot of things off.  I had to accept help from people that I have never met in my life that truly really cared about me.  It was an eye opening experience.

Right now, I can say that I am doing a lot better (except that the medication changes have messed up my menstrual cycles so I get two week periods which sucks).  I have a lot more support because I have opened up more to people.

According to my A1C, technically, the diabetes (AKA DM) is gone but my doc wants me off the Metformin for 3 mos to retest before we truly wave goodbye to that trash.  I stopped taking it the day she sent me my lab results.  So I will retest and see her.  Wanna know how much weight I have lost?  Almost 30 lbs.  And this is mainly because of the med change.  I haven’t been working out as much (sprained my ankles)  but I have been eating right.  But most of this is from me pretty much not eating at night (which the Seroquel makes me do).  Anyhow, this is just a quick check in for you guys (that cared).

Once my ankle heals, my dog and I will be out there killing the hills and I will be back on my weights again (I mainly do upper body things now and light elliptical work).  I’m sure Gary  will be happy for those walks again.

Thanks for reading.  🙂

%d bloggers like this: