Many years ago, I went on dating sites and had some experiences that were kind of good but mostly bad. But I was just really bored last week so I went ahead to Ok Cupid and Plenty of Fish Not sure why I thought things would be different but yeah…
I tell everyone, when they ask for my number or instantly give me their number, that I don’t give my number to people. One guy seemed really funny and cool so I made the mistake of giving him my number. People always say “You can always block the person” but I literally am one of those people that don’t want to do extra stuff. It’s just like my therapist who says she uses a Google number. If I have to do all that, is it really worth it?
But yeah, I gave my number to someone that doesn’t understand the concept of “I’m working 12 hr days” even though they have a job themselves. In less than a week, the dude “misses” me and makes my brain hurt a bit sometimes. Then he does the personal model mess that I HATE so I send extremely unflattering pics just to shut him up. Doesn’t work which makes me think there is something wrong with him or that he’s desperate. It makes me feel like dating is not for me and that I would really just rather be alone. Plus I’m not even feeling my best. If I am not feeling my best, I don’t need to be trying to be with or even entertain these people that instantly work my nerves by just not really having anything to say. I mean, they have NOTHING to say. They don’t talk to learn about you. They talk to tell you that they want to get close enough to have sex with you. That comes in the form of constant compliments and emptiness.
Today on Twitter, someone wrote that we should teach our girls that there’s more to life than male attention. I countered that we need to teach men not to continue to throw compliments as if we thrive off them. No matter what a woman does, the first thing that MOST men care about are the looks. It would be nice if someone commented on my profile with something in reference to what I said or even just asked me a question about one of my pics since that’s all they seem to care about.
There was one guy that posted pics but most of them were with women. So I asked him why he posted so many pics of himself with women and he said that those were the only ones he had in his phone. I found that to be interesting. I don’t know if that would draw women to you or push them away. I’m not a jealous woman and I wasn’t interested in the guy but just wanted to know the mindset behind the choosing of those pics. I think too much and analyze things but it just seems weird. It’s kind of like the guys that post pics with just crowds so you don’t even know who they are in the pic. Why?
In the End
I love love and I loved how I felt when I thought I was in love but, at the present time, I don’t think I have the energy enough to care about the thoughts, wants, and needs of someone that isn’t my child or animals.
People find love in their 70s and stuff. With my luck, that’s gonna be me and then I’m just gonna die or he’s gonna die right after I finally find him. Yay! They say not to look for love and I mostly don’t. But being bored that one day (or maybe just looking for more stuff to blog about) just made me remember why I would rather be single. I’m not lonely, just single. I truly like being alone especially if it means not having to be bothered with someone texting you so often that you just want to turn your phone off but then you wouldn’t be able to play your games on your phone. LOL
For my previous experiences with online dating (no clue why I thought it would be different but, thankfully, no one asked me to take pics of my feet), see Online Dating – Let’s Be Honest…. and Jeepers CREEPERS!!!! Thanks for reading! I’m off all week and out of Melatonin so I am thinking a lot. Gotta go pick some Melatonin up or some serious liquor.
Where am I now? Sometimes I don’t know if I’m better or not. However, almost 6 months since my discharge, I can’t say that much has changed besides my weight.
Every day I am gaining weight. My PCP and psychiatrist are working together to figure out a way to keep me motivated to even be here while maintaining my mental heath. One way is to help me sleep more. I have been told to take more vitamins as well to help me with energy.
However, I am still unmotivated as I have been especially because, like the time I was working out, eating right, and doing everything but still gaining weight, the cycle is repeating itself. To me, why work out and do what I’m supposed to be doing if I’m not seeing any results. So I will be seeing my doctor on Tuesday about a shot that will help me at least start. I am still pre diabetic (I kind of wish I had diabetes again so I could know the reason for this weight gain (see So I Have Diabetes)) but there has to be a reason that I continue to gain weight. It is very frustrating. The frustration doesn’t help with the motivation therefore, it’s just a stupid cycle of failure that I try to overcome on a daily basis. I tell myself every day that I will do better and I try but it doesn’t work the way I want. Yet I keep trying.
Family is still family. They’re trying to be more cognizant of what is going on. When I came back from the psych ward, my family had cleaned my apartment, gotten rid of my daughter’s broken bed, gotten me a new microwave, and just did a lot because they knew some of the things that stressed me. Sadly, my daughter’s room was one of the biggest pains for me and I didn’t want someone to come into her embarrassingly dirty room and take down her dresser and bed.
Thankfully, my family took care of that. When my sister told me while I was in the ward, I cried. One of the assistants ran to my side with tissue because he hated to see a woman cry. I told him they were happy tears.
What people don’t understand is that sometimes we really need help but are too embarrassed to ask for it. Something as simple as cleaning is very hard. This weekend alone, I just slept. I finally willed myself out of the bed to clean the kitchen and do two loads of laundry. That alone took a lot out of me and I am back in the bed. Even with everything I have on my mind to blog about, I don’t have the motivation to even try to decipher all of the jumbled thoughts I have in my diseased brain.
Back to my family: They do what they can. They do what I allow. I need to learn to allow more. That is my issue.
My dad and my brother have not said anything about the situation. They don’t talk about these things. That is just the dynamic of my family. They don’t know what to say. I can understand that.
A New Village
Surprisingly, my neighbors have stepped up. I have one downstairs and a mother and daughter next door that have given me their numbers when I told them why I was gone. The neighbors next door had COVID and I had no clue. I had the daughter’s phone number and we communicated about packages if she needed me to pick them up but I had no clue they were very sick. We talked about how we needed to look out for one another so we text more often and even call sometimes.
The neighbor downstairs works a lot of weird hours and always yells about not being able to see Gary the way she is used to. She gave me some wine and told me also that we need to stick together as we are all struggling.
At This Very Moment….
My daughter’s phone is broken. I have told her that it’s not the charger but it’s the phone. Mind you, she lost her phone at school earlier this week and that stressed me. They found it and all was well.
However, because she doesn’t think that I know what I am talking about, she has thrown the phone and my charger at me no matter how many times I told her that it was the phone that no longer worked. She is in her room right now telling me to “Go to hell!” The last time she did that, we literally got into a fight (see: Having a Child with an Intellectual Disability WHILE Dealing with Your Own Mental Illness). She is also just calling me all kinds of names. You know what’s funny? I am doing everything in my power not to fight this child right now. She’s slamming doors and acting a fool. Gary is watching me to make sure I don’t get up and literally fight her. I’m just staying in my bed and typing right now.
The most I will do right now is probably text my siblings, coworker, and friend. I can’t call my mother because all she is going to do is stress herself out. This isn’t even what I wanted to type about but here we are right now.
I’m off all next week and have a lot of cleaning to do including her room as it is just a trash can. She’s mad but she has a computer and a Firestick that she can use. I fed that child and she didn’t even say “Thank you!” She literally snatched the plate and went in her room.
A person like me with that person inside that wants to come out and seriously hurt someone is having a hard time right now. But that’s what the meds are for. I’m just going to take my meds and mind my own business and now my dog is limping around but that’s a whole other story.
The Good Side
I’m off all next week, I cleaned the kitchen, washed and folded two loads of clothes, and wrote a blog. So I still win in the end. Hopefully that child will yell herself to sleep because I don’t have time for it. I’m not going back to the psych ward. Especially not twice in less than six months. F*ck that!
This mess is for the birds, for real. Being depressed and unmotivated gets you nothing in life. I’m over here gaining weight even though I work out. Feeling suicidal daily is fun and reading psychiatric charts makes it even more fun. People have some very creative ways of attempting but they don’t succeed. Therefore, I can’t follow their lead.
The things I used to love to do don’t make me happy anymore. I literally don’t enjoy playing my little games on my phone. I now feel as though they are a job.
I don’t think I can blame the new med. It’s supposed to help my current med work better. So far, it’s been almost three months and I don’t feel better. I don’t really feel much of a difference. I will email my psychiatrist about it.
Being manic gets more things done. I don’t even feel like writing very important blogs about feelings and conversations about mental health that I want to share.
I get in the bed and get mad. I throw my phone down in disgust and just go to sleep. I go to sleep extra early, wake up at around 2, and stay up and down until 5 when it’s time to wake up.
Kpop doesn’t make me happy anymore. I find myself missing my favorite podcasts and not caring about when they come out.
My words and thoughts might be manic at this time but it’s just the depression pouring out. And I haven’t even touched the surface.
Feels like drowning and then someone throws you a lifejacket filled with rocks because you’re already bogged down and everything is so heavy you can’t get up. Even my legs are heavy because I have gained so much weight.
This is all off the top of my head but this is how I am feeling. Again, I would rather be manic. I would be hyper and better at whatever goal I’m trying to achieve.
So we already talked about my true crime folks and now I want to go on to my other favorite vids which are comedy and Kpop vids. I will NOT talk about the channels that are made by the Kpop artists themselves as they already get enough attention but I will say that some of the best vids are by NCT. They have really cornered the market on the vlogs, no lie. If you didn’t know all 23 of them 2 years ago, you should now even if you are a new fan like me. But let’s get to the reactors, commentators, and just flat out comedians that have helped many during the quarantine.
If you want to scream laughing, I’m telling you, Raffy is a hot mess. This has been a huge week for Kpop with many comebacks and there is still one big one that everyone is looking forward to by NCT 127 on Friday (I believe). So far we have gotten track vids and teasers (he doesn’t watch teasers and I don’t blame him). But, even if you don’t care for Kpop or the artists he covers, you need to watch his vids JUST to see him calm in the beginning, go off DURING the vid, and then calm down again at the end.
Raffy comes complete with SM shoes for yelling at stylists and “devils” (he calls my Kai and many of the members of EXO demons). He moves his chair, he pauses, he also has to call on Jimin to compose himself.
A new Stray Kids video came out today and this man was in rare form. Because I think he needs more attention, I’m going to post TWO of his vids because….man. If you want to scream laughin, just watch this nut. He comes across hate (he talked about it today) but it doesn’t even matter because we love him anyway.
This is probably one of my favorite ones, he gets SO mad at EXO. A LOT of reactors get so sick of EXO. I mean, they didn’t introduce me to Kpop and make me stay for nothing. Look at these men but look at his response. I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time and that’s what’s needed during the quarantine.
Be homophobic all you want but you are missing out on some serious comedy and seriously, this is how a lot of women respond. The men are a little bit more reserved but NOT Raffy. NOT at all. He even has a song that I personally like that is his theme song called Where My Money@ and it’s on Spotify. You’ll hear it in the vids.
If you want to follow ItsRaffy, you can find him here:
Sorry, I had to add this one. It came out today. NCT 127 just put out their brand new video for their title track “Sticker” and the world will never be the same. And here is ItsRaffy having a whole heart attack.
I talked about Bris (see How Kpop Changed My Life (Part ONE of a MILLION) before but he’s too big now so he doesn’t need any words from me. Dezzy March has collaborated with Bris and has his own channel. He is pretty funny and he reacts to a lot of vids. He recently reacted to Chloe Bailey and I was dying at the statue comment. I will post some of the ones that have had me laughin. I WILL say that he did NOT like that Jay Park vid and I think that’s when I discovered him. He said a lot of what Black people were saying regarding appropriation. That video had been taken down but he was one of the only people that caught it before it got taken down.
His Jay Park video was probably one of the REALEST reactions that I have ever seen. Most people only speak good about the videos, even the ones that are lacking. This dude straight up told how he felt and many people agreed with him (including me). If you are talking about your DNA and you’re Korean, put YOUR culture up, not ours. Appropriation is not a game. The issue is mainly that, the people in South Korea are so used to not having to think about the opinions of other cultures but Kpop has opened that door a long time ago. They have to rethink how they do and say things but that’s a whole different post and I’m still mad at what The Penthouse did. I canceled Jay Park because of this and most people didn’t even though this wasn’t his first offense. It wasn’t just the video but it was the fact that he really tried to defend it. Watch the vid though, you’ll understand.
Dezzy is just really cool and calm for the most part until you irk him. This is refreshing. He doesn’t kiss ass and that’s something that a LOT of reactors do. I haven’t seen anyone say they didn’t like something before. There are some EXO songs that I don’t like and I will say it. What? Is EXO going to come to my house and beat me up (please do, I want to meet yall). But yeah, Dezzy is refreshing to watch.
I like Briczennie because she is Black, older, knowledgeable, and neutral. Those are things you don’t really find when it comes to Kpop. People are either all up in arms about things that don’t matter or cancelling folks off rumors. I am happy to see more Black people that take an interest in Kpop so that the doors can further be opened. The thing is that we have always been here but we have just become more vocal.
I actually posted a vid of hers in a previous blog about Kpop here: How Kpop Changed My Life (Part ONE of a MILLION). She is into Kpop so she watches shows and does recaps of them. She has a discord as well as a Patreon. You can find her here:
My nutty friend who is also one of the snitches told me about this channel called Shitty Fluted. Sent me a link and you don’t know how much I laughed the first time I heard it. However, ShittyFluted is who introduced me to Stray Kids. I have a few favorites by them. They cover all types of songs. I love YMCA, Africa, and definitely God’s Menu but there are SO many more songs from all genres that they do.
The comments on the vids are hilarious and we just all appreciate the pure humor and the ability not to take themselves so seriously. Have a listen and laugh.
I just woke my cat up with this. She is mad but, if you need a laugh, just seriously listen to this and laugh til you cry. I literally cry laughing off these. I had never heard God’s Menu until this so I then went to find the original and the rest is history. Stray Kids is taking all my money and I blame Shitty Flute. We really want them to go on Spotify but I haven’t seen that happen yet which hurts my little heart.
If you would like to follow Shitty Flute, you can find them here:
This is a dynamic duo here that only has 1k subscribers which I think is a shame because their vids are SO good and funny. Most Americans don’t know Korean so, of course, we’re going to ruin Kpop songs that we love. RebEwel makes it so that we aren’t as dumb as we think we are because their lyrics are truly over the top.
I don’t know where you can find them besides YouTube (I just found them on Twitter @ewelreb) BUT I will say that this is a great channel and good for laughs all day. You cannot unhear the lyrics and I actually learned how to sing Taemin’s “Idea” because of them, thanks! I personally think they deserve more attention which was why I had to talk about them.
All of these YouTube creators are helping us get through the quarantine. In addition to the artists that these creators make comedy vids, talk about, and react to, we are truly lucky to have these creators to put smiles and laughter in our hearts.
Most people that read my blogs know that I have had a very tough few years now but seeing these vids always makes my day.
Let’s face it, many of us wouldn’t have even survived without many of the YouTubers that are out here giving us their treasures in the form of entertaining vids.
In Dedication to Jenna Marbles (No, She Didn’t Die But Still…..)
Many years ago, I found out about YouTube and that was because of a YouTuber that left. She felt bad for her past vids that no one had a problem with when they came out. Jenna Marbles, thank you for introducing me to YouTube and good luck on your future marriage. Jenna Marbles was the epitome of beauty, brains, and straight up comedy. We do miss her so much and I wish that she understood how much we respect her. I mean, this woman took some fish back to the pet store because she was told that she didn’t have the correct type of aquarium. She literally cried. She is a pure person and I hope to see her again on YouTube. Until then, we will follow your man, Julian, and hope to see you in his vids. LOL
If you don’t know who she is, then you hate makeup OR true crime. Shoot, you might even hate yourself. Bailey Sarian is the pioneer on YouTube for Makeup, Mystery, Makeup MONDAYS (*theme song*). If you are a fan, you know her theme song and it’s going your head right now or you’re singing it out loud. It’s 5 a.m. here so I can’t yell it.
If you are a fan, you ALSO know that these cases have been heavy on her *click* NOGGIN and this means it’s going to be good. Bailey Sarian is a beautiful young lady (yes, I can call her that, I’m old compared to all these people I am talking about but (as always) I don’t look it LOL) who has killed it in the YouTube world just by her ability to tell stories, have dark humor, encourage her viewers, and beat her face while doing it. Yes, the girl can SLAY a face. She does her makeup and, sometimes she might not know where the look is going, but she makes it work. A lot of the true crime people LOVE Halloween so, during Halloween, many true crime podcasters and Youtubers go out of their way . No clue but I hate all holidays, howEVER, if it means more content, I’ll like it. LMAO!
In addition to MMMM, Bailey Sarian does Dark History where she doesn’t do makeup but talks about historic things that have happened that are lesser known. She just started that series which is a podcast and is on YouTube. But, again, no makeup (yes, I am crying inside). Dark History airs on podcast mediums on Wednesdays and on YouTube on Thursdays. I would suggest you check it out. It’s VERY good.
No lie, she has commented to me on Twitter and I was all happy. I also have her palette. It has some nice colors and all that fun stuff.
What can I say about this young lady? She is a piece of work and she is just one of those people that you have to instantly like. Brittney is also a GREAT story teller who does makeup and true crime. Her series airs on Tuesdays and Thursdays (so far we’ve got Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday for true crime with makeup) and are full of tons of entertainment. She just moved to Texas (“Beyonce Land”) and is out here on these streets trying to get her beautiful French Bulldog into Hogwarts. And then she turned around and got a new puppy as well. It’s a girl named Bella. Blu got accepted into Hogwarts so now we have to get Bella in there as well.
Anyhow, what draws people to Brittney is that sass and the fact that she’s talking to us like we’re her girlfriends. Blu gets chased by geese, we know about it. If a serial killer or just a killer has your astrological sign, she’s gonna shame you. She will. Brittney is one of those people that is relatable. She shared the story of why she started the YouTube channel and how she, just like many other YouTubers, didn’t think anyone would watch. I believe she got her plaque for all her subscribers and I’m sure she will get another one soon enough.
Brittney always acknowledges Bailey and has suggested other true crime YouTubers that are up and coming. This is very important to those of us that like constant content. It’s also beautiful to see how much these influencers support one another. If you look in the notes for her episodes, she lists at least four other people.
If you want to follow Brittney, here you are and you’re welcome because you won’t regret it:
🐣Twitter | GlamazonGod
👻Snapchat | Bvaughn02
📸Instagram | GlamazonVaughn
Better Off Red
Sara is a newer YouTuber that has done makeup for a while but she has added “Crue Trime” to her repertoire. She is a bit of an unlikely source of comedy. Brittney actually suggested that we watch her. I did and I was stuck after that. I would suggest you watch the vid below. This broad was singing that “Dead Giveaway” song and I swear I was dying.
She is very funny and I am sure she is going to get her play button from YouTube very soon as she is at about 45K subscribers right now. Hopefully her numbers will continue to grow. She really is funny and tries to do local crimes as she is in the DC area (not far from me) so that makes things kind of cool too for the locals here.
I would suggest going ahead and binging Sara’s vids as I had to do with all the others (Bailey, Brittney, Sara anddddddd……. Mike).
That Chapter with Mike Oh
One of the few male YouTubers that I watch because… makeup is Mike Oh. Mike doesn’t put makeup on but he has a great Irish accent so he wins for that. I love to watch his videos because he does a lot of good research but it’s just him and he’s still entertaining. Many people that just sit and tell the stories seem too rehearsed and boring. There are some that are popular that I just can’t get with but Mike isn’t one of them. With over 1.3M viewers, we can’t all be wrong.
True crime can be matter of fact and funny at the same time. Many people don’t understand that concept but Mike has found the perfect mix in his vids about many cases that a lot of people haven’t even heard of.
We also love how he says “three” as “tree”. But Mike Oh is one of those YouTubers that has been in this game for a while. I stumbled upon him through suggestions on another of the aforementioned YouTuber’s vids. I am glad that I found him and he has a TON of content out there. Definitely “give it a goo” (I think that’s what he says).
Mike puts his vids out twice a week. I just click on them as soon as I get the notification (I do this for all mentioned as I have no life and there is usually a time where I go on YouTube and look for things).
These YouTubers are out here giving people life while speaking of untimely, and sometimes brutal, deaths. This is a form of therapy to some including the YouTubers themselves. I know that, in Brittney’s case, her therapist told her to play in makeup and do whatever as a form of therapy. Look at what it has gotten her. All of these YouTubers, no matter how long they have been doing this, have been the source of laughs, tears, and entertainment. We all should appreciate, acknowledge, and support them all because of this. It’s not easy to put yourself out there for the masses. So, my thanks to all that were mentioned and some that I will talk about later as far as true crime (there are some up and coming true crime YouTubers).
This is just part one because I was really going to put my Kpop people on this but this would be extra long SO this is part one of a two part series. So, the next part will be Kpop Commentary and Comedy. There are many. The comedy is Kpop and non Kpop however and it’s going to be a lot longer than this list. THEN I’m going to cover podcasts that I love but that should just be a one part post (doubt it).
Thank you so much for reading this far. I really appreciate it.
As most of you know, I was raised a Jehovah’s Witness so birthdays literally are just another day to me. I like to get the wishes and to know that people think about me (or Facebook tells them) to tell me that they’re happy I’m alive.
I know my ex knew that I didn’t celebrate birthdays and he said “I just want to celebrate the day that God gave you life and gave you to me.” Does he feel that way now? LMAO1 NOPE! He probably wishes I jumped off that bridge. Okay, he doesn’t, we are amicable because I was the horrible one in that relationship. I could have been married. LOL
How Did My Birthday Go?
HA! You wanna know how it went? Man, I woke my kid up and she gave me attitude all morning. Today was the first day of school. I told her to take a shower, she told me she didn’t have time. I wake her up at 5:30 a.m. but I guess it’s going to be 5:00 a.m. from now on. It doesn’t hurt me. I go to sleep early.
This broad caught an attitude when I told her to tuck her shirt in her pants. The irony is that she tucks her shirt into her pants when they shouldn’t be BUT, when I tell her to do it……nope!
Then I got a text from my mother letting me know her health problems. So either I was going to have to take her to a doc, or see if someone else would. My sister did and she still wasn’t seen after they triaged her. I told her to go home and try again later.
This seems to be the start of what happened last time and she really needs a colonoscopy and that’s an issue because we’re trying to find a sooner appointment for a new patient for a GI.
Okay, but what good things happened?
Free Chipotle Sides
Gift Cards to BOTH of these places
I still have a job
I didn’t go off on my kid for always talking back and even had to pray
Didn’t tell my dad to STFU when he was complaining about everything that no one can control because my mom is showing signs that she is sick again.
Planned to get a pedicure….. didn’t because….. people
Man, what did I do? This year, I managed to get back to the psych ward (see Psych ward) didn’t kill anyone including myself, went to see a great podcast show. I got the most views ever in my 8 years of blogging with 392 views on my I Went to a Podcast Show “Alone” post. in ONE day.
I have been trying to read more, doing more things that make me happy that are simple such as playing my games on my phone, coloring, listening to music, and even got myself a treadmill to help with my mental health. I read more (or listen to Audible) and I’m still working on learning new languages as well as playing more in makeup.
Work in Progress
I’m not perfect and never will be but I learn more about myself every day. I learn more about life and my daughter. I failed a little bit this year but I can only come out stronger. If I don’t learn anything from any of the experiences I have had this year, then it was a real fail. So, in that sense, I have NOT failed. I’m getting better with every year. I make goals that are written down in my calendar.
I just need to step my game up. My biggest goal is to get a house where Gary can run around and I can walk him in a nice neighborhood. I’m going to have to win the lottery or find some blind, rich dude to marry me. Years ago, I said I was going to be working from home. That’s what I’m doing now.
So I’m going to speak a home into existence. I need to speak a vacation into existence too. A beautiful beach so I can smile like a dummy while standing in the ocean. It makes me so happy to stand in water. It’s not the same as standing in the tub. LOL
In the End…..
Today wasn’t the best day BUT I survived the year. I made it. And I got free things to boot. This day is not all about me. It’s about everyone that helped me to make it this far and there are a lot of you guys. Thank you so much for helping me be a better person even when we don’t agree. I like having people that challenge me, support me, support my DAUGHTER, and just truly CARE. I have so much to write about this and how people have rallied around me. These people weren’t around for the first visit to the psych ward. Some may have thought I was lying. But the change in people after my stay on the floor of death, has been beauitful.
I promise I will be writing about a lot of happier things. I don’t want my newer readers to think that all I do is think negatively and complain. I truly don’t. I’m just real about a lot of things and I don’t have any shame in who I am, how I am, my diagnoses, etc.
As always, thank you for reading my blog and I hope to see you soon with a nice, fun, post. I shall promise this to you. And as No Doubt says:
People seem to have a problem with the fact that my face is always looking like “I don’t like you, get out my face or go take a walk somewhere else.” Well, most people know this as Resting B*tch Face (RBF). People wonder why I’m always looking like that and there are plenty of reasons.
Defense Mechanism Against Stupidity
The first one is that I really just use it as a defense mechanism. I don’t want you coming to me for anything or even talking to me. Because I don’t like people.
I know that this is hard to believe because I am a very personable person and most people like me but people are humans and humans tend to like to mess with people or be rude. So, before they start getting on my nerves, I turn them around before they even try.
I grew up in an area that wasn’t horrible but wasn’t great either. In order to get people NOT to bother you, you have to give off a vibe (that sometimes people tend to ignore) that you don’t want to be bothered and they might be in danger. People look at your demeanor when it comes to robbing and stealing unless it is personal. But you have to let folks know they need to go somewhere else.
Shyness Was Also a Thing
Someone commented on my RBF and why they called me Evileen when I was younger. What they didn’t understand was that I was extremely shy and JUST DID NOT WANT PEOPLE TO TALK TO ME. I hated when I had to ride in cars with my friend’s parents to go pick up my friends because I was so shy it hurt.
I was just telling someone that my best friend’s dad picked me up to take me to pick my friend up from her piano lessons and I was just sitting in the car looking out the window hoping he didn’t talk to me. And I loved their family. I just literally didn’t know what to say.
Hatred of Bullies and Knowing My Temper
As a teenager, I kept that face as well. One lady gave me that hateful nickname because she said I always looked mean. Well, that was because sometimes people say things that piss you off and you want them not to even attempt to do it …. but they do it anyway. So that face is sitting there because you’re not trying to jab them in the throat.
Even AS A TEENAGER, I knew my temper. I knew it very well because I would get so angry that I had palpitations at a young age. I was killing my heart and I knew that. I had to learn to calm myself down because I was extremely violent when I was a teenager (see that story in The Story of My Mental Illness). So, when people tried to mess with me, I would go literally from 0 to 1000 real quick and it could get bad. But it was worse for me physically. Emotionally, it was pretty bad as well because I had to learn not to keep holding my rage inside of me but I also had to learn how to let the rage out in a way that didn’t hurt anyone. So I started working out at a young age. Weights were my friends and I used them. It was better than hitting people or having to go to jail.
I also had to make the Three Strikes Rule. I kept good mental inventory of someone constantly messing with me. That’s when I gave myself permission to go off. If you constantly were just messing with me, there was no start over on the count. I was just going to get you one way or another. I lost jobs because people loved to pick on you while you were working and minding your business. I think I have lost 3 jobs including the last one I had before the one I have now (I needed to lose that job).
The new manager was just literally a trash bag and, whatever she gets in life, she deserves it. She was so bad that people were just leaving. I had been at that practice for almost 7 years, been through 3 managers before she came, and she came in micromanaging. No one liked her and she was just a lurker which was annoying.
The day I knew I was fired, she kept messing with me and then told me I wasn’t a team player although I had written a memo to the medical staff in the back office months prior to this “issue” being brought up. She talked and kept talking standing behind me while I tried to do my work. Just kept talking. So I told her she needed to go somewhere because you’re really trying to pick a fight. She kept running that mouth and, honestly, it would have been her last day on this earth but she wasn’t worth it.
I had already been looking for a job. Anyhow, they sent me home for the rest of the day. She claimed I was cussing and that there were patients and stuff. Whatever. Anyhow, I went and got all my stuff just in case they fired me on Monday which they did. When it was time to bounce, I took my lil bit that I left and bounced up out there. Too bad they forgot to ask me for passwords.
Anyhow, she started all that and I wasn’t the only one complaining. I had also been talking to the doctors about the grievances that the rest of the staff had with her but that didn’t matter because this broad is a liar. So she can stay there while I work from home at the job I got 1 month after being fired. Thank you, Mandy (yes, her name would be Mandy, ole trash bag).
I often think about what I would do to people that have done me dirty if I see them in the street. There was another one too. She’s probably dead by now but she really deserved a good punch in that crooked nose of hers.
See this is the other part of me that can be mean but my main way of showing how mean I am is hitting people. I hate that talking mess. And Mandy almost got swung on because you don’t come behind someone and keep talking when they’re not talking to you. I asked her to leave me alone too. Same day I was fired, she announced that she was preggers. Good thing I didn’t beat her *ss. But she almost got it. The kid is out of her now though. Kid is like 6 now so…..
In The End….
This is really why I don’t “people” much. I have a temper and people are my triggers (see: Knowing Your Triggers). It depends on the environment and the people’s auras. But I really stay away from people so much that I rarely leave my home because even driving pisses me off so bad.
I might be doing better and learning more about myself as a person but I’m always trying to keep myself away from jail or the stupid psych ward. That was just a mess and I should be embarrassed for having to go twice. Maybe I need to stop making promises because I straight promised I wasn’t going back there and ended up right back there 12 years later.
So, if you see me with my RBF and you want to be funny and piss me off, don’t say you weren’t warned. I’m one of the nicest people until crossed. Once crossed….I can’t guarantee my response. I do my best not to go back to that place but that’s why I also write these. I reflect on where my actions come from and what to do in the future ON MY END (because you can’t control other people). The best thing for me is to take people in small doses. Well… unless it’s a Kpop concert (see: How Kpop Changed My Life (Part 3): That Time I Saw SuperM Live) or one of my favorite podcasts (see: I Went to a Podcast Show “Alone” ) .
I actually have to tell you about my favorite podcasts and YouTube people. Maybe that’s next. Maybe it’s not. Who knows? I just live here. LOL
Someone pissed me off back in 2014 to the point that I had to go ahead and write about it. Of course, many people didn’t read it People Just Don’t Get It was one of my first blogs about people claiming to have mental illnesses when they truly don’t know what it’s like to actually have a mental illness.
It’s not the cool thing to do but, if that’s how you think you get attention, more power to you. I wouldn’t wish bipolar disorder on a soul. The mess is trash and everyone isn’t bipolar so stop throwing that word around.
Eight Years of Ranting
I want someone to hire me to write but I haven’t done everything that I can to make that a reality. I know I have to make a separate resume for this as my medical resume isn’t really helping with much but the fact that I have education and can show my blog as references of my writing style and skills.
I have so much to give and would like to reach a bigger audience so that I can continuously educate people about mental illness, parenting a child with special needs, dating, having fun, and just trying to survive in this crazy world.
I don’t usually get high numbers. I will say that the last post that I did got about 400 views. It was mainly because they were gracious enough to allow me to promote the blog about their show in the group.
Do I think I will get numbers like that ever again? NOPE! I bring up old blog posts to get some traffic on them and hope that people’s curiosity would allow them to look at my other work.
I go around to other blogs and follow them hoping for a follow in return. I like to read a lot of the blogs about lifestyles. It seems as though people are more forthcoming here. We aren’t judged which is great.
Why Did I Start a Blog?
I couldn’t really say. I just know that something pissed me off and I wrote about it. I’m best at conveying my true feelings in the form of writing. This way, I can think my thoughts out and convey them in a manner that others will understand (or I think they will understand). I think this is why I would rather text than talk on the phone. I like to see what I have said and review what I said to see where the conversation might have gone to the left.
Sometimes I just want to talk about things and it’s not time for me to harass my psychiatrist or therapist but I type all this out and then talk to them about it. My psychiatrist has read a few of my blogs actually. He likes them.
I think the older I got and the more mess I saw on social media, I felt that my voice needed to be heard. People often ask why I am so candid and my thought is that, if I’m not, why would anyone else want to be candid with me? Something that I enjoy doing is helping people. In this format, I don’t have to be in front of you to help you. I can just talk about my experiences and observations and hope that people read and evaluate some things about their surroundings, themselves, goals, family, etc.
The goal is to get people to see how silly it is to act as though mental illness is a taboo subject. It shouldn’t be. Just as I might have Diabetes or Asthma, mental illness is common for many people and can be controlled or eradicatedif it is an acute mental illness. We have to stop putting a stigma on this or there are going to be a lot more people out here self medicating or not channeling their trauma onto something productive.
Sadly, I see this all the time and feel lucky that I did what I did at an early age. I really encourage everyone to look at my other posts or just look at the contents and see what might interest you. I talk about everything and usually tag some of my old and useful blog posts from the early years into conversations. Why? Because the topics are brought up so often, you get sick of talking about it so you write about it instead. No need to even repeat myself.
Anyhow, I am proud that I have made it to 8 years of blogging. I need more consistency but my life always gives me something to “rant” about. I have so much more to talk about regarding the aftermath of my visit to the behavioral health hotel so please look out for it.
Again, thanks for reading and, if you would like to share, please do so.
I am an introvert. If you have been following my blog, you know how I feel about “peopling” and all that good stuff. I am not a fan of people. I don’t like people. People are rude. People are a trigger for me.
With that said, you saw from my post about How Kpop Changed My Life (Part 3): That Time I Saw SuperM Live and all the fun that I had among those people because we all shared the same love of Kpop. The same can be said of the show that I went to see. I was in the midst of writing a post about my favorite podcast and YouTube shows but this happened and I need to talk about it.
I listen to a lot of podcasts but the first one I started listening to by chance when the world died was Obsessed with: Disappeared. I don’t know how I started listening to it. Maybe it came up as recommended on Spotify or I just wanted to listen to true crime instead of watching Snapped all day every day. Either way, I came across this show.
Why Obsessed With: Disappeared?
Patrick Hinds is the host of a wildly popular show called True Crime Obsessed and he also has a network. So he hosts a show called True Crime Obsessed where they watch all kinds of true crime shows and give their commentary on it. They have done The Staircase, Don’t F*ck with Cats, Tiger King, etc (hit their Patreon if you want more right here: https://www.patreon.com/TrueCrimeObsessed ). The podcast is really funny. The cohost for that show is Gillian Pensavalle and she is a mess too. I think I probably heard them talking about the new show on this now that I think about it.
Anywho, when the world died (yes, I said ‘anywho’), Broadway shut down as well. In steps Ellyn Marsh, probably one of the funniest women that I have come to “know” and love. When I talk about her, I call her my friend. Obsessed With: Disappeared was the FIRST Patreon I ever subscribed to. Anyone in their Facebook group that KNOWS me knows that I was like “I ain’t payin for anybody’s Patreon.” Yeah, that was a lie. The show is great. It’s worth the money. They do trivia on the first Friday of every month. It is everything. They also do a Friday Night Live on Instagram where some of the funniest things have happened including Patrick (we call him Patricia) falling out of a chair after making lewd comments about one of Ellyn’s gorgeous brothers (thankfully, I am on the bed so I can’t fall off) and then the time when Patricia got SO mad that we were being “mean” to him that he would come on the live, leave, come back, say nothing, then leave again.
Everything is all in good fun and we’re all just a crazy, dysfunctional family. Ellyn and Patrick have been friends for over 20 years I believe and their stories are some of the best. This is what it’s like to have a real friend for that long. They have included us in harassing one another and everything. But, I’m getting a bit ahead of myself. Oh, their Patreon link is: https://www.patreon.com/obsessedwithdisappeared and it is worth the money. I can say this because, as my mom says, I am a “miser”. I don’t give my hard earned money to anyone, literally especially when it’s for me.
Sadly, I am all caught up so I’m going to wait until they get more content and then reinstate my membership. I binge and I need to have a bunch. I put that in my note when I canceled (I LOVE you guys but um….. I’m not the richest person in the world. I could get Starbucks with that $5 LOL).
Trying to Explain Podcasts to People
Explaining what a podcast is shouldn’t be hard but people don’t really understand the concept. Basically, you can listen to podcasts anywhere on just about any subject you would like. My subject of choice since well before the pandemic has always been true crime. It’s why I was watching Snapped all day on the weekends. I love true crime and wanted to be a Forensic Psychologist but….. poor.
For some reason, people don’t understand and explaining it to them is like speaking a different language. So, when I said I was going to a podcast show, people were all the way confused.
Basically, this show talks about a show on ID called Disappeared. They give their commentary and basically make us laugh while respecting the person that the show is about. They mainly talk about the bumbling law enforcement or sometimes the overzealous people that go out of their way to find their loved ones. Although I’m not sure “overzealous” is the word when it comes to looking for your loved ones. Either way, they have some great quotes and these two go IN on each other in every show. EVEN THE COMMERCIALS ARE HILARIOUS! So the Patreon episodes have no commercials but I listen to them with commercials because they are funny.
If Patrick is not harassing Ellyn for failed marriages or how fine her brother is (he fell out of a chair and they have a pic of his sock when he fell out of the chair), Ellyn is singing songs and telling some of the funniest stories you will ever hear. It’s like ear hustling people you would never meet otherwise. I mean, a whole Broadway star (Kinky Boots, Pretty Woman, Priscilla, Queen of the Desert: The Musical, etc) and Patricia who has written books, failed at daycare (inside joke), and is just doing a lot to help other people follow their dreams when it comes to doing what they love. This dude is cool people and I say this even though I USUALLY take Ellyn’s side in arguments because I’m a DB (Down Bitch) but he has my heart as well.
So, we have a tour that they started. I believe they started the tour in Nashville, TN. I can’t say I care because I don’t live there. Anyhow, when they said they were coming to DC, I could NOT let them come here and not be able to see them. I had told them when they started that, if they EVER came here, I would break out of my introvert shell and go ALONE as no one understands true crime in my immediate circle of friends.
I mean, they’ll listen to me talk about it but they’re not trying to listen. So who do I share my inside jokes with? Who do I laugh at the sock pic or the guy that tried to bargain with the “toll taykah” or even Prince and Elton John jokes? NO ONE but my DBs in the Obsessed With: Disappeared group. These people are SO nuts that they are FRIENDS with the voice over guy, Christopher, from Disappeared. These people are so COOL that they are friends with Adnan Syed’s family friend and lawyer, Rabia (she needs no last name in our circle).
So when I talk about Ellyn and Patrick, I say “my friends” because they are my friends (at least in my head). People look at me like I’m stupid but, at that show, I learned that I was no longer alone and that I have a “people” that I can tolerate.
Most of you know that people are a trigger of mine and I have discussed this at length in many of my other posts so I will not bother you with that. I learned, however, that “peopling” with those that have the same interests as you is not hard at all.
I went to the show alone. Just as I did with SuperM. I didn’t want to have to explain the inside jokes to anyone or force someone to go. So I didn’t. I, again, took myself. I purchased VIP tickets ($75.00), told Ellyn, and started on my mental downward spiral of all the things I had to prepare for:
Can I back out of this? Crap, I already told Ellyn I was going.
What am I going to wear?
I hate driving in DC. What’s the parking like?
Man, where is this place in the first place?
Why in the world did I say I was going to this?
But… after telling people to come on their own and all that great stuff, I did it. I did it. My neighbors are special needs teachers and had told me that, if I needed them, to use them. So I basically just asked them to listen out for my daughter. I knew for a fact that she would be dancing. I ordered her a pizza, got dolled up (I have a lot of makeup that I don’t use because I don’t go anywhere), and I left.
I hate driving in DC so I got a Lyft. My first Lyft driver wasn’t very talkative until a OneRepublic song came on and he started singing. In my head, I was like “Sang it, Lyft driver!” Then someone called his phone while he was singing and he was mad. I was like “Yup, I know the feeling.”
So, I got to the Miracle Theater which is really nice. The first thing I thought to myself is the fact that I live near so much culture and beauty and don’t experience it much. I made a promise to myself to come back as I saw two restaurants that I want to try out.
I’m Here, Now What?
I’m standing outside and I know no one. I decide to take a picture of the sign for the show and someone asks me if I want to take a picture in front of the sign and I’m all like “No.” I am one of those people that doesn’t like to ask people for anything or take anything when offered. I’m weird, I know.
I observed the people outside and noticed that a lot of them were there solo. When they called for the VIP group, I got in line and then we started talking about how we came by ourselves, why we came by ourselves, where we came from, etc.
Our stories were all the same. We could have brought someone but no one really understands it like those that actually listen religiously. In the end, just like a the SuperM concert, I wasn’t alone. I was with MY people. I got a front row seat because there was no assigned seating which was really cool. So we all sat one seat away from one another and started talking.
This little feisty woman comes and asks if she could sit in the seat next to me and I’m like “No” and she sat down anyway. Well, she is now my bestie. I mean, the GALL! We were cracking up. We all pretty much became like a family in that short time before the VIP portion started where we got to ask questions of Patrick and Ellyn.
Among My People
I might have been one of a hand full of Black people there but it didn’t even matter. We all talked, bonded, talked about our jobs which was crazy. I was sitting beside a Chief Magistrate and, on the other side of me (the little nutty lady that sat down beside me without my permission) was someone in the medical field that worked with clinical trials. I am also in the medical field as a coder so then we started talking about things like mental health and I told her about my blog and said that I would definitely be writing about this touching experience.
I was literally telling them about what was going on with me and going to the psych ward. No judgment or anything was felt at that moment. The Magistrate was there with her daughter who was 14 and we were laughing because they put two X’s on her hand to indicate that she wasn’t supposed to have liquor. She took everything in stride and Ellyn told her to stay in school. LOL
What was really cool to me (of course) was that they acknowledged me by name. Have you ever felt that important to have your name said in the VIP portion as well as during the show? I mean, that probably made my whole year. Again, just as it was at the SuperM concert, I was a part of a family. We were from different places, backgrounds, races, and it didn’t even matter because, at that moment and beyond, we were all family.
In the End….
Just as my little nutty seat stealing friend said, it’s going to take us years to go back out and “people” again. It’s interesting that a lot of us are introverts. Introverts aren’t just people that stay to themselves but we are people that can exhibit extrovert qualities in certain situations BUT it takes a lot out of us. That experience was great BUT it will be a while before I do something like that again. It took me 2 years to get out after the concert that I went to.
I will say that I will never forget the experience nor the people that I met. I am also grateful to Patrick and Ellyn for bringing so many people from all walks of life together and even getting many of us out of our comfort zone.
Thanks again, Patrick and Ellyn. There were a lot of friendships that were formed on that day and I hope that there are many more to come in the following shows on the tour.
When I left, I called my daughter. She has autism as well as a moderate intellectual disability and isn’t really knowledgeable of tone or feelings of others but she said to me “You sound like you are smiling.” My reply was “I am. I am happy.”