You know what I hate? When people claim that they’re “bipolar” or have mental issues when they’ve never been diagnosed or even seen a professional to be diagnosed as such. Being bipolar, having OCD, being schizophrenic is not a COOL thing. It’s something that people have to fight with on a daily basis. In about 2000, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. I had a suicide attempt that didn’t go as planned but I have to tell you guys about how stupid it was. Sometimes you’re just too smart you’re stupid? Yeah, that’s what happened to that suicide attempt.
Okay, so you want to know what happened, I’ll tell you:
I’m in the medical field. I was already on meds in 2000, I believe. I found out that one of my best friends was getting married and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to attend her wedding because I was no longer a Jehovah’s Witness (there are SO many layers to me). I was so upset about that and the fact that the guy that I thought that I was destined to be with married some ugly girl. So I decided to take ALL of my Prozac pills. I’m so thorough about things that I called my health insurance’s nurse line to find out how many Prozac pills would actually kill me. I’m on the phone with the nurse while counting my pills trying to make sure that I had enough pills to off myself completely. I got off the phone and then my mother came in my room and asked me why I was counting my pills. I told her (yeah, dumb) that I was about to take them. She was like “All of them?” I was like “Yes.” THEN the flippin nurse calls back from my health insurance to see how I’m doing because well….it sounded like I was about to commit suicide. This is likely why female suicides aren’t usually successful. Clearly, I was doing too much. LOL
THEN I got hip to the fact that I had bad luck so I stopped trying to commit suicide. I stopped even thinking about suicide because I knew that, as my therapist says, “God has a sense of humor”. Let my stupid behind try to off myself and I’d survive. That’s how bad my luck is. If there’s anything that can go wrong, it will happen. If I jump off a building, you can bet I’ll live and be paralyzed or brain dead for the rest of my life. Yup, that’s my luck. I get it, I understand it, I’m at peace with it. There have been many times in which I have walked out of the house wishing that someone, in my HOOD ass neighborhood, would OFF me while I’m walking to my car. It’s sad but it’s the reality of people that actually have REAL mental illness. It’s not a game and it’s nothing to joke about.
Just as it’s nothing to joke about, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s something that many people suffer, grow, and learn from. It’s not always a bad thing when dealt with correctly. Some people (like me) opt for the medication. I’ve tried to cope without medication and had like two bad experiences in 2009 that gave me a NEW diagnosis. Yup, in 2009, they said I was “bipolar”. Sure, that’s what they say but my psychiatrist that I secured AFTER my incidences in 2009 felt that he should treat the person and not the “illness”. Oh yeah, the incident in 2009 landed me in the psych ward for a week. Good times. I actually met a young mother in there that I took under my wing. She called me for years after we both got out. Last I heard, she was doing well.
Funny thing is that I actually AM a very good, honest person. My major at the present time is ACTUALLY psychology. It’s kind of weird that it is and who knows if I’ll be able to get a license BUT why not give it a try, you know? I’ve got my Associate’s right now and will be attending UMUC to get my Bachelor’s in Psychology. It’s a field that I enjoy and I can actually identify with those that I would be talking to. Maybe I could be a suicide counselor or something. Hell, many of my friends call me when they’re thinking about offing themselves because I’ve been there/done that. I feel that I should be able to use that talent for good as I’m really in no position to judge or make someone feel a certain way for wanting to give up.
Anyhow, this is my first rant. In summary, calling yourself some kind of mental illness needs to stop. People that actually suffer from these mental illnesses can tell you a few stories to make you shut that up real quick. Hell, I truly have more stories. And they’re not good.
Rantings of a Mad Woman 