Times Are HARD

You know times are hard when you have to tell your therapist to hold your check until next Thursday because you have no money. 

You know times are hard when you contemplate hitting the stripper pole to make some money.

You know times are hard when you plan to pay things late so as not to be overdrawn at the bank.

I’m sure there are many more.  My girls and I speak on them often. It’s just a shame how you can have a job, work your ass off, and have NOTHING to show for it.  Times are hard.  They call us the “working poor”.  I was told this not too long ago.  You can make over $40k, pay everything on time, and have no real debt, and still NOT be able to pay rent on a piece of shit apartment in the hood. Welcome to my reality.  It has to be fun.  Anything that usually can go wrong for me usually goes wrong.  Example:   I established paternity for my daughter but the loser “lost” his job.  Another example:  I used to be one of those people that would try to see the best in every situation.  One day, I was like “At least I have a job”.  That same day, I lost said job.  There was a time when I was driving to work one day and said to myself “Things are looking up”.  Two days later, the practice I was working for closed down. I have many more examples of this.  I’m not a negative person but I have learned from experience that things don’t always work out for me.  I appreciate what I have on a daily basis because I know that they can easily be taken away from me.  I no longer will pinpoint what I’m thankful though.  It’s just something I had to learn NOT to do after having things taken from me as soon as I said I appreciated them.  I never get too happy when things happen to go my way.  Because I learned that things might be too much like right and will soon fall through. 

 

It’s not about being a negative person.  It’s about knowing your limitations.  I appreciate what I have but I’m not gonna run around talking about them.  LOL.  If I ever get a man, I’m not telling the world “Oh, you can have a great man like me that will make you feel alive.”  You know I did that in 2010 and that dude turned around and stomped my heart into a puddle, pissed on it, shit on it, rode over it with his truck, got the girl that he stopped talking to me for to spit on it, shit on it, and throw dirt on it as well.  I just sit and keep my mouth shut now. They say that God and life have a way of humbling you.  I guess he’s trying to teach me something that he doesn’t think I’ve learned yet.  You KNOW it’s bad when your family, friends, and therapists are like “You just can’t catch a break.”  Life sucks and then you die.  Don’t worry, I’ve thought about ending it a number of times.  BUT, I think I’ve said it before, if I did, I’d be the idiot to mess up the suicide.  I’d be paralyzed and pissed while my daughter would continue to run me ragged (in a wheelchair, mind you) and I’d still be living with my parents.  Yes, welcome to the tortured mind of a person that keeps fighting but has no reason why she’s fighting exactly.  Good times.  LOL 

I’d Rather Be a Sim

If you want to ever escape reality, play the Sims.  Only in the Sims can I own a huge house, make BIG money, go on trips, get the best education, and look good doing it.  Most Sim players talk about their Sims a lot.  The stories are hilarious.  I have quite a few myself as I have been playing since Sims 1.  They are now on Sims 3 and Sims 4 is coming out at the end of this year, I believe.  I personally think that they’re doing too much BUT you can bet I’ll likely purchase the flippin thing and uninstall 3 from my computer (you have to have room to play those games). 

Most of my stories and other stories are funny but some are sad. Sometimes Sims players become murderers. I’ve been known to murder a few sims in my time.  Look, when you’ve got a family of EIGHT people and you can’t control some of them, they gotta go. How do you get rid of them?  Well, the humane way to get rid of them is to split the family up and make the ones you care for active. BUT back in the Sims days, we had to kill our sims off.  One way was by putting them in a tiny room with no bathroom or refrigerator.  They’d died from not being able to eat.  Another way we used to do it was by just putting them in a pool and then taking the ladder out. They couldn’t get out of the pool and would drown.  Ta Daaaa!!!!

Sometimes I think these games are for passive aggressive people.  If your real life sucks balls and you want to be able to control someone, get a Sims game.  I buy businesses, make them better, and collect the profits.  I get married to rich men and take their money (well, you could do that in 1 and 2 but you can’t in 3 for some stupid reason).  I would have a wedding party and go on a honeymoon and all would be well.  Sometimes we used to do things to ruin lives as well.  I remember having a family with two sisters.  They shared the man that lived there.  Was messy but that was back in my Jerry Springer viewing days.  Clearly, I have no life. 

Naming Characters

Now I have a family with people named after characters from Game of Thrones.  I also had a family with people named after the characters on Sons of Anarchy.  I was said when the mom died.  Speaking of death, if your Sim dies and you’re not ready for it, just don’t save the game.  I just had to bail one of my characters out.  Her name is Khaleesi (Game of Thrones).  She’s a mermaid and I’m guessing she dried out.  I don’t know what really happened because I was focusing on the three other characters in the household (gotta do better).  The Grim Reaper just came and took her away.  That’s not acceptable SO I quit the game and will make sure she gets in a pool or goes swimming in the ocean.  Too bad you can’t do that in real life.  You know, do overs. 

Sometimes I personally think that humankind is a Sims game to God.  People think I’m crazy when I say it but really, think about it.  All this stuff has happened in our history.  Remember Sodom and Gomorrah? They were going against what God wanted so he wiped them out.  Just bear with me for a second.  We might be his 100th game. If we screw up enough, he’ll just say “F this, I’m starting over.”  You never know.  And I doubt we’ll ever know, really. 

I swear I think too much.  Anyway, you should probably play Sims so you can understand what I’m talking about.  I like to go to their website and read the stories that the people tell (with pictures).  The stories are usually extremely entertaining.  Playing Sims is great and can be addicting.  Don’t let it get so addictive that you lose the real people in your life though.  That actually happened to me.  I had a fiance and I use to play it a lot. Although I could pause the game and the people would still be there, I forgot that.  Lost a man.  Play it, but live your REAL life or all you’ll have is a game.  But, then again, that goes for any game out here.  It also goes for the internet but here’s me digressing again.  LOL. 

Words With…..Err….Friends?

You know….playing games with people on the internet was something I used to do all the time.  I used to LOVE playing Mafia Wars, Sorority Wars (or whatever it was called), Farmville, etc.  Those were games I loved.  And then they came out with Words with Friends.

When Words with Friends came out, I was confused as it’s nothing but Scrabble.  Well, it truly isn’t but whatever.  I somehow got sucked into that game.  The stories I can tell you about playing that game with your friends are funny but the stories that are even more humorous are the stories of people that aren’t your friends.

People make these “friends” games a means of dating or just trying to seriously get to know you.  My name is tallgirl or something on Words with Friends.  People use that as a caveat to talk to me.  I really don’t want to talk to you, I just want someone to play the game with.  Recently, I was playing (yes, I still play because I have no life) someone and he was playing but he was asking me questions while he was playing.  When I stopped answering his dumb questions (“Are you 7′?) he resigned.  *blank stare*  I could’ve sworn the game was just for playing with your friends or other folks when you were bored.  I guess it’s different for other people.

I hate when people that I haven’t talked to in a while want to hold whole conversations on there.  We’re friends on Facebook and you have my number, why are you talking to me on this stupid game?  Just play your word and let’s move on.

When is it right to resign?  A few days ago, I was playing a guy I know and he scored 138 points on me.  I didn’t resign.  Why?  Because I’m stubborn.  Those 138 point letters aren’t something that happens everyday.  I could’ve resigned but then he would know that I was a quitter.  And I’m too stubborn to be a quitter.  I sure did want to though.

Then you have those that have NO patience.  These are usually people that don’t know you, where you live (there could be a time zone difference), and that you have a life outside of Words with Friends.  I had one person that was like “HURRY UP!”  I would’ve cussed her out but I was trying to be nice.  My whole world is NOT Words with Friends (my scores would tell you that) but some people somehow feel that it should be.  As if I get paid to play that game.  Ain’t nobody got time for all that.

Oh, and then there is ONE more type of player:  The player that you just SWEAR is cheating.  I know there are sites for cheating.  I know it because I was forced to utilize one of those sites (a time or two *ahem*).  Look, when you’re getting your butt kicked the way I have, you’d do it to.  It makes you question your level of intelligence.  I’m a smart girl but goodness.

Yup, this is me just ranting again about nothing.  I thought of this topic while in the shower.  Tadaaaaaa….

Good Moms

Well, it’s almost Mother’s Day and I know people like to celebrate the moms and all that good stuff (I STARTED writing this before Mother’s Day and it is now 5/19, yes, I know I suck at this). It’s hard being a good mom sometimes. Great moms make it look easy but it’s really hard work. Think about it, moms sacrifice a LOT to provide for their children. Single moms do without a LOT of things, in many cases, to take care of their children. If anyone watched the Kevin Durant accept his MVP Award, you would see how he stated that his mom was the true MVP.

The plight of the single mom is something that usually gets pushed under the table by people that yell “Well, she chose to be a single mom” or “She should’ve known what she was getting into when she had unprotected sex”. Whether we chose to be single or not, we chose to take responsibility for our lack of judgment (if you will) and lay in the bed we made. So, sure, maybe we could’ve been a better judge of character (in some people’s minds because all people’s stories are certainly NOT the same) but the fact of the matter is that we accepted the consequences of such actions. Can the same be said for some of these men?

There are some very mature men out there that actually are GREAT fathers whether still with the mothers or not. I know quite a few of them and I LOVE to see them post or take pics with their children. A LOT of the men that I personally know have joint custody of their children because they LOVE their children. I think it’s beautiful and I let them know that all the time. Sure, that’s what they were supposed to do but they didn’t HAVE to do it like many of their counterparts who chose NOT to do so. So I truly appreciate men like that. Makes my heart smile. It shows that they accept the consequence of their actions as well.

Women, however, are expected to be in the child’s life off the bat. Of course this is the case because we house the babies for months and grew an attachment to the child as we are to do instinctively. We would move heaven and earth for our children (in most cases outside of the women with some sort of mental illness that doesn’t allow them to do so).

In my case, I would move heaven and earth to take care of my daughter. I would also endure negative comments by society (and sometimes even my own family) to do what is best for my daughter. I live with my parents because I want my daughter to have the necessities that I likely wouldn’t be able to provide for her alone. Why? I don’t get any monetary or physical support from my daughter’s father. Sure, I picked him. I’ll own that. But he chose not to be in his child’s life. That’s on him and he will have to deal with that with whatever God he serves. Living with my parents is NOT fun at all but it has to be done right now. I go without freedom, I deal with constant critique and criticism, etc. It’s hard but I’ll do what it takes to make my daughter happy. My clothes and shoes have holes in them and I don’t mind as long as my daughter has clothes on her back and food in her belly.

Like Kevin Durant’s mother, I’ve gone without eating so as not to hear the mouth of my parents. You do what you have to do when it comes to your child. Everything I do is for her. I don’t date because of my daughter. My “vacations” consist of me watching some Netflix or a reality show here and there. I don’t go out of town. I don’t go on shopping sprees. Anything I do, I with WITH my daughter. I rarely even ask people to watch my daughter for me. Why? Because I get judged. Yes, sometimes I get judged for just wanting some time to myself. Or just wanting to go to a movie without a child yelling or holding her ears. It’s HARD out here. People don’t get it.

In the end, I’m just ranting. It’s never a complaint. It’s the bed that I made and I accept it. I told a guy that is interested in me the other day, I’ve resigned myself to that fact. Any man that would like to be in a relationship with me, would have to be in one with my daughter and I. Maybe that’s why I’m single. It’s hard enough to date with a child but it’s even harder to date when you have a child with special needs. Maybe I’ll get some respite one day. Until then, I’ll just write about my feelings on here, continue to work for the benefit of my daughter, and live my life day to day. Thanks for reading.

No One Can EVER Say I’m a Bad Friend OR a Liar

I take the words “friend” and “friendship” VERY seriously.  It’s something that I’ve always taken seriously.  I have VERY few friends and I do this for a reason. Every week, I’m not calling someone a friend.  My friends are the types that actually earn that term.  I’ve made a few mistakes.  Probably TWO (IF that) but I take my friendships VERY seriously.  Most of the people I call ‘friend’ have been that for a decade or more in many cases. With that said, when I call you a friend, that means that I will fight for you. That’s what I do and I usually do that with full confidence that the other party would do the same for me.  If I put myself out there for a person, you are truly my friend. 

I look around Facebook a lot (I’m about to cut down my time on there as well) and notice that people get stabbed the back by people that they quickly labeled “friend” almost every day.  People say that my approach is a defense mechanism and I’ll take that.  But there aren’t too many folks out here that I really care about.  You have to earn my caring for you. If you’re just a crappy person, you can keep that. 

As for honesty, I’m extremely honest.  Again, to a fault.  If and when I do or say something, I’m telling you the truth. I can’t sweeten my words or make them sound better because, sometimes, we need that brutally honest person to tell us the truth.  I’m even brutally honest with myself.  I evaluate myself a LOT.  It’s something that I learned to do in my psychology classes.  Before you can analyze someone else, you should be able to analyze yourself and figure out why you are the way you are, why you think the way you do, etc.  This life is full of lessons that we learn DAILY.  Hey, I make mistakes; I’ve made plenty.  But I OWN them.  I’ve never NOT owned my mistakes because NOT owning them means you’re not learning.  And if you don’t learn, you’ll keep making the same mistake again.  Mama doesn’t like making the same mistake numerous times.  This goes back to having TRUE friends. 

I like people that aren’t scared of me.  I like people that give it to me straight.  Sure, I’m a big girl with a hard exterior but I am one of the BEST friends that people will ever have.  I don’t consider someone that doesn’t honestly care about me to be a friend.  And it takes a lot for me to care about certain people because they truly don’t deserve my thoughts or my heart.  Yes, my heart is in my friendships. To me, ALL relationships should start on the foundation of friendship.  Men usually get mad when they feel that they’re in the “friend” zone and I think that those people are stupid and clearly have no true motive when trying to get to know me.  If you don’t want to be my friend, then WHY would I want to date you?  If I’m not even good enough to be your friend, then why would I want to have a long term relationship with you? 

I’m a weird type of animal.  But this is just more of my ranting. 

Disney, One Day I Will See You

One thing that sucks about being broke is that you don’t get to do things that most people feel are things you should experience in life. I have wanted to go to Disney since I was a tiny thing.  I wanted to go so bad.  *sigh*  My best friend went and came home with Mickey Mouse ears.  I hated her for that and wished her stupid Mickey Mouse ears melted and fell off.  Yes, even as a child I was a bitter.  Hey, wouldn’t you be?  My mom refuses to fly anywhere.  I didn’t fly until I was 23 and you can bet that my mother didn’t go on that trip.

Now that I have a daughter, I want her to experience the things that I didn’t experience as a child.  It sure doesn’t help that my daughter watches the Disney Channel and says that she wants to go there.  My goal was to take her by the age of 8.  My daughter is 8.  *lookin* Soooo yeah….I kind of missed the mark on this.  My money is going more to medical copays and the like.  My daughter has an intellectual disability and I’m a single mom at the present time (wait, why did I say that like the single part is going to change sometime soon?  LOL) so my funds are extremely low and I have some loser that calls himself a man that doesn’t help support his daughter.  Unfortunately, I have to be one of those responsible people with priorities.  So I’m not sure when she will get to greet Mickey. The most I did so far for her was take her Sesame Place.  She liked it and it was less than Disney.  Every year, I go on Disney’s site and check to see how much it would be she and I went.  I look and then I come back to reality.  It’s not a joke.  Those prices will make you wonder if you’re paying for a trip or for a car.  I mean, goodness.  Rich people, I envy you.  You can just say “Hey, I think I want to take my kid to Disney.”  You book your flight and the best hotel and take your kids.

The commercials always show people having a great time with their whole family but you don’t see them lookin at their bank account discussing how they’re going to pay for it.  LOL  Life would be so much better if I had money.  I need to go and win the lottery or something.  This being poor isn’t working. Either that or I’m gonna have to get on the pole and shake my money maker.  I have a job, I work hard, I do my best, but I can’t see my kid going to Disney in the coming years. *looks at bank account*  BLAH!

Let’s Talk About Yelp!

I’ve been working in private practice medical offices since about 1997 and I have to say that the invention of Yelp! is the devil.  It just is.  Why, you may ask?  Because, people can go online and LIE about situations and get people to avoid going certain places just off their ONE bad experience.  My current practice has gotten about three bad reviews in the past month.  We, however, are smart and try to figure out who the patient is so that we can recall their experience to verify if they’re telling the truth or not.  We do this for our own peace of mind as we certainly CANNOT go ON Yelp! and correct the horrible review given.

Another issue that I have with Yelp! is the fact that most of the posters on there are punks.  Well, just for the negative reviews.  People tend to use their real name when they’re saying nice things.  But when people are giving negative ones….no….they won’t use their real names.  I wonder why.  Maybe it’s because they’re scared that they might have to ACTUALLY talk to the person that they gave a bad review on.  One girl had a bad experience with our office because she was a frequent No Show-er.  A No Show-er is a person that we confirm appointments with that will call us five minutes before their appointment and cancel.  NOW, in her case, we let her know that she would have to pay a same day cancellation fee which is a portion of our contract with the patient (that they sign).  This woman got mad because our office was consistent and we were hip to her game.  She wanted to talk to everyone she could and we ALL told her that she had to pay the same day cancellation fee as stated in her SIGNED policy.  Do you know she went on Yelp! and got mad at us about that?  Now how could we respond to something like that?  We really couldn’t without breaking patient confidentiality.  It would’ve been hilarious had we called her by her name and scolded her on Yelp, right?  But NOOOO you can’t do that.

I usually don’t have a problem with Yelp! reviews from our patients because they’re usually NOT about me but I had to step in when this lady claimed that she had been calling me for an extended period of time and I never returned her calls.  NOW, I and my employer KNOW that is a lie.  I take my position at my job VERY seriously.  So I was HIGHLY upset when she went on there and outright lied on me.  Of course she only used a part of her name. Cool, I found out who she was.  How?  Because she left a message (first message I had EVER received from her) stating that she had called me numerous times and I had never answered her.  She left this message on a Sunday….we’re not open on Sundays but I digress.  I called her back on Monday and left her a message letting her know that I had never received a call from her and that she could call me back.  I gave her my extension number as well.  She calls back and immediately starts apologizing.  I tell her that she doesn’t have to apologize and that I can help her with her concern.  I even joked with her.  Do you think she removed her scathing review of my practice….well…MY portion of her bad review? NOPE! Why would she?  Like you can’t update your review.  *lookin*

What I learned from working at small businesses is to give POSITIVE reviews of your experiences when you have them.  We have SO many patients that walk out of our office thoroughly pleased with their experiences but THOSE aren’t the ones that write reviews. So people read said reviews and get a half assed opinion of a practice that some people have been coming to for 20 years and love.  My response to people is DO BETTER!  Don’t let those negative people stop you from having a great experience.  Most of the times, the bad experience is due to their negative attitude in the first place.  A lot of those people come in the office throwing cards around, yelling about not following the rules of our practice, just being rude, and then get mad at us when we don’t respond the way the would like us to.  There are always two sides to a story BUT some people should be glad that businesses are NOT allowed to tell their side.  That might stop them from giving such horrible reviews.  So they continue to say what they want KNOWING that they won’t suffer in any way shape, or form for it. Good deal!

In summary, please praise the businesses out here when you have great experiences.  That could really help them.  No one is saying never to write a bad review but at least don’t be a jerk and play the victim. That’s not cool.  I made it a point to write like five reviews on different places that I had had good experiences with just because.  Let’s pass more positivity.  It might just make you feel good.

People Just Don’t Get It

You know what I hate?  When people claim that they’re “bipolar” or have mental issues when they’ve never been diagnosed or even seen a professional to be diagnosed as such.  Being bipolar, having OCD, being schizophrenic is not a COOL thing.  It’s something that people have to fight with on a daily basis.  In about 2000, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder.  I had a suicide attempt that didn’t go as planned but I have to tell you guys about how stupid it was.  Sometimes you’re just too smart you’re stupid?  Yeah, that’s what happened to that suicide attempt.

Okay, so you want to know what happened, I’ll tell you:

I’m in the medical field.  I was already on meds in 2000, I believe.  I found out that one of my best friends was getting married and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to attend her wedding because I was no longer a Jehovah’s Witness (there are SO many layers to me).  I was so upset about that and the fact that the guy that I thought that I was destined to be with married some ugly girl.  So I decided to take ALL of my Prozac pills.  I’m so thorough about things that I called my health insurance’s nurse line to find out how many Prozac pills would actually kill me.  I’m on the phone with the nurse while counting my pills trying to make sure that I had enough pills to off myself completely.  I got off the phone and then my mother came in my room and asked me why I was counting my pills.  I told her (yeah, dumb) that I was about to take them.  She was like “All of them?”  I was like “Yes.”  THEN the flippin nurse calls back from my health insurance to see how I’m doing because well….it sounded like I was about to commit suicide.  This is likely why female suicides aren’t usually successful.  Clearly, I was doing too much.  LOL

THEN I got hip to the fact that I had bad luck so I stopped trying to commit suicide.  I stopped even thinking about suicide because I knew that, as my therapist says, “God has a sense of humor”.  Let my stupid behind try to off myself and I’d survive.  That’s how bad my luck is.  If there’s anything that can go wrong, it will happen. If I jump off a building, you can bet I’ll live and be paralyzed or brain dead for the rest of my life.  Yup, that’s my luck.  I get it, I understand it, I’m at peace with it. There have been many times in which I have walked out of the house wishing that someone, in my HOOD ass neighborhood, would OFF me while I’m walking to my car.  It’s sad but it’s the reality of people that actually have REAL mental illness.  It’s not a game and it’s nothing to joke about.

Just as it’s nothing to joke about, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.  It’s something that many people suffer, grow, and learn from.  It’s not always a bad thing when dealt with correctly.  Some people (like me) opt for the medication. I’ve tried to cope without medication and had like two bad experiences in 2009 that gave me a NEW diagnosis.  Yup, in 2009, they said I was “bipolar”.  Sure, that’s what they say but my psychiatrist that I secured AFTER my incidences in 2009 felt that he should treat the person and not the “illness”.  Oh yeah, the incident in 2009 landed me in the psych ward for a week.  Good times.  I actually met a young mother in there that I took under my wing.  She called me for years after we both got out.  Last I heard, she was doing well.

Funny thing is that I actually AM a very good, honest person.  My major at the present time is ACTUALLY psychology.  It’s kind of weird that it is and who knows if I’ll be able to get a license BUT why not give it a try, you know?  I’ve got my Associate’s right now and will be attending UMUC to get my Bachelor’s in Psychology.  It’s a field that I enjoy and I can actually identify with those that I would be talking to.  Maybe I could be a suicide counselor or something.  Hell, many of my friends call me when they’re thinking about offing themselves because I’ve been there/done that.  I feel that I should be able to use that talent for good as I’m really in no position to judge or make someone feel a certain way for wanting to give up.

Anyhow, this is my first rant.  In summary, calling yourself some kind of mental illness needs to stop.  People that actually suffer from these mental illnesses can tell you a few stories to make you shut that up real quick.  Hell, I truly have more stories.  And they’re not good.