Weight Update!

If anyone has been paying attention to my blogs, you will know about my weight issues.  If you need a refresher, you can go here and here.  It was a struggle but, since finding out what caused the weight gain, I am down about 41 lbs.

Although I had some ankle issues from saving the cats and falling in mud, I have gotten back to (somewhat) normal in my working out.  The ice, snow, and rain don’t really help but I do what I can.  I do most of my working out in the gym and at home.  I need to step my game up in the Steps department (according to my Fitbit) but I really am coming along.  My goal is 180 lbs but I see the inches coming off and my body fat lowering so I am good with that.

People are surprised with how fast the weight came off but, even when I was frustrated from gaining weight while I was doing everything I was supposed to be doing, I was still working out and eating right. I knew something was wrong.  I have now been off the Metformin after three months of being on it because my doc noted that my A1C went back to normal and that I didn’t need it anymore.  I knew that was the case but I am annoyed because I did get turned down for extra life insurance because I had been diagnosed with diabetes last year.  It’s cool though.  Anyhow, let me find some pics to share with you guys.

These are oldest to newest.  I have some more that I will be taking but I want to take them when I hit my goal weight.  I just have to hit 180 lbs again for my own sanity.  As of now, I’m am just happy to be back in the 190s. Trying my best to stay on this side of 200 because I don’t want to go there again.

But yeah, this is my weight loss.  And if anyone in my family wants to call me “fat” again, I’m cool with it because I’m “fat” and in shape so it doesn’t even matter.

Why I Put Up Unattractive and Crappy Profile and Cover Photos on Facebook

One thing that I have been known for on Facebook for the decade I have been on is the fact that I put up unattractive pics of myself or other people. I also have decent pics of myself but I make the unattractive ones my cover and profile pics. I do it for a lot of reasons but one of the main reasons I do it, besides pissing my friends off, is because my study of sociology has shown me that people truly judge you based off your pics. Mind you, I have other public pics that are decent. But, when in a debate with someone that has run out of ammo, they run to your page to attack your looks. It’s just fun to do.

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My sister caught me while I was minding my business. I thought it was funny. We can’t be perfect all the time. Don’t like it? Don’t look.
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A Facebook friend made this for me and I still love it. I don’t care what anyone says.

I Have High Self Esteem

I have told you guys about how bad I was treated in the past for being a slim, black woman in Being a Skinny, Black Girl in America. I later learned how to accept myself and not really care what these people think that know nothing about me. It comes from my upbringing. I worried so much about how people thought about me, my dress, my actions, etc. I had to learn to like me for me.

Once I did that, life was better because I literally didn’t care anymore. I was not going to let these people stress me out so I distanced myself from them for my own sanity and have been doing a lot better.

Gaining Followers Because of Attractive Pics vs Unattractive Pics

There were times when I would monitor the number of followers I got on Facebook based on the pics. If I had attractive pics, of course, I would get more followers (I don’t friend people that I don’t know or haven’t interacted with). The people on my list are usually people that I have known over a decade or new friends that I love to talk to or have plans on meeting (males and females but mostly females).

I really like to laugh at it because it shows how men are so stuck on looks. At one point, there were men that claimed that men weren’t visual creatures. They literally told me that and I laughed. Not only because I have experienced it personally BUT because other men have said it plenty of times. I’m not a visual person. If you respect me, make me laugh, and actually talk to me like a real person, I’m all for it.

People Treat You SO Much Differently When they Think You’re Unattractive

I have seen it and it makes me laugh so hard. First of all, because most people are so pressed to go on your page to investigate what you look like so that they can figure out how to proceed in a debate with you. If you say something that they don’t like, they go to your page. They figure out how much farther to take it based off what they see. I have had some people that were so lazy that they didn’t even do that (I have real pics on my page and I’m not a troll or anything). They just literally look at your profile pic and GO IN! I have had fake, unattractive pics up and they start talking crap and I just laugh at their stupidity. I don’t care how you look if we’re debating, HOWEVER, if you make it a point to go to my page for ammo on my physical appearance because you have no more intelligent dialogue to present, I can return the favor. I don’t mess with people because of their looks unless they come for mine. But, usually, the person that is talking about my looks doesn’t have a pic up.

They usually use the excuse that they don’t have to have their pics up. That’s true. So don’t sit here and talk about my appearance if we don’t have an even playing field. If you’re pretty, they don’t bother you for the most part, especially the men. Women might try it which is really sad.

To tell someone that they are unattractive because you don’t like what they said on a subject is pretty low. So I just laugh but I totally die when they think that pics that aren’t me are me. It speaks even more to their level of intelligence and gets an even bigger kick out of me. I mean, I laugh so hard it’s not even funny.

Judging Your Level of Intelligence Based Off Your Looks

I’m confused. Do you have to be attractive to be intelligent? I actually was about to write another blog about attractive women being smart and how men seem to be annoyed by the fact that a beautiful woman can be smart. I have seen this on many occasions with some Facebook friends of mine. Absolutely gorgeous women and the stereotypes that men hurl at them. But, in this case, if you are unattractive (or perceived as unattractive), your opinion doesn’t matter and you don’t deserve respect. It’s sad but funny at the same time.

People are automatically nicer to you if you are pretty; not recognizing that beautiful doesn’t always mean that you’re a smart or good person just as being unattractive doesn’t mean that you’re a bad or dumb person. I kind of blame fairy tales for things like this. The Good Witch in the Wizard of Oz was pretty, the Bad Witch was unattractive. Disney movies portray the bad person as unattractive and jealous which is why they do mean things to the beautiful or handsome protagonist. In all movies BUT The Hunchback of Notre Dame, the protagonist got the girl; not Quasimodo. He got nothing. The object of his affection ignored him even though he treated her right. It seems as though Disney redeemed themselves with Beauty and the Beast even though, in the end, he was still a beautiful man. But she had fallen in love with the person and not his outward appearance.

I try to tell people this all the time. Trash comes in all packages. You can be absolutely handsome/beautiful but just a crappy person period. And the same can apply to unattractive people. We can’t always control our looks so, in the end, everyone should get respect until they give us a reason to disrespect them. But a debate where someone doesn’t agree with you should never resort to name calling and insults. That’s not how mature dialogue works. I have to state this often but no one hears me, especially depending on the picture that I have up.

Males (Homophobic Usually) Will Unfriend You

I had a guy that I was cool with unfriend me because I had a pic of like a line of gay dancers as my profile pic. I commented on his status and the dude blocked me. I had to laugh. I asked him why. He said because he didn’t want his friends to think he was gay. That told more about his character than anything. To be so worried about what other people thought about you based on the people that you are cool with on Facebook is funny. So what if you have gay friends. Does that make you gay? If someone thinks that based off who you talk to and vilify you for it, then what kind of friends were they in the first place?

Well, I am ending my lil rant right now but I know I’m not alone in seeing this. Maybe you can conduct your own social experiment and see how your experiences are like mine. You might learn something. I’m one of those people that care more about personality than anything. I just think that we have more important things to focus on as far as having friends or even looking for someone to date or marry. If that person makes you feel good in other ways than sex, they are a keeper. But there are some people that don’t notice it until it’s too late and they’re talking to a divorce lawyer or the police.

Have you seen this happen? Tell me about your experiences or observations in the comments.

Knowing Your Triggers

First, let’s discuss what triggers are from a mental health standpoint:

A trigger is something that sets off a memory tape or flashback transporting the person back to the event of her/his original trauma.

Triggers are very personal; different things trigger different people. The survivor may begin to avoid situations and stimuli that she/he thinks triggered the flashback. She/he will react to this flashback, trigger with an emotional intensity similar to that at the time of the trauma. A person’s triggers are activated through one or more of the five senses: sight, sound, touch, smell and taste. – Source: Psych Central

With that said, the first thing that people think about are people that suffer from PTSD. It’s funny because I have some triggers that are good such as crayons reminding me of elementary school or seeing a store or something that makes me smile because it reminds me of a person that I like. However, for some people, they are things that truly make them feel the total opposite. My dad is a Vietnam Vet. Although I would really like to know about his experiences (and he has shared some), I choose really not to ask him certain things because I really don’t want to trigger him. I know that one of his triggers is helicopters. They stress him out and I totally get it just from watching documentaries. But this post is not about my dad, it’s about myself and others and how they identify and cope with their triggers.

Identifying Your Triggers

How does one do that exactly? It’s weird that I don’t really know how I got my triggers but I learned what they are. It could be from my upbringing. I’m pretty sure it is from my upbringing but my triggers are mine and mine alone as my siblings don’t seem to exhibit the same responses to the things that trigger me. I do know that I hate bullies with a passion. I do not like to be picked on or ganged up on. It is something that I don’t cope very well with. Now, this could be because people picked on me a lot when I was younger because I was the tall and skinny Jehovah’s Witness girl. It could be because sometimes my family would gang up on me and tell me everything bad about myself (or that’s how I saw it at the time).

I do know that my upbringing and the things I saw and heard in my dysfunctional family really did impact me as an adult. I had to come to grips with those things.

How to Come to Grips with Your Triggers

Outside of figuring out what they are, you have to figure out how to deal with them. When I was triggered, I got very violent. I have been known to, on a number of occasions, pull a knife out on people. One incident that I had alluded to in previous blogs (Let’s REALLY Talk About Suicide , People Just Don’t Get It, and Bipolar and Black ) involved my father and a knife. I hold NO ill will to my father because I have never lived his life and I don’t know how he has made it this far without literally killing himself so I respect him for that. However, when he gets drunk, he tends to be a bully. He has been that way since I was younger. He was verbally abusive to us and I can still remember a lot of his words that I will not repeat. That day, in addition to missing ONE of my meds, I got fed up and really was on the verge of stabbing him.

Now, notice, I was already on meds. I took it upon myself to seek mental help and get on meds at the age of 20 because I KNEW something was wrong with me. I knew it. My temper was horrible and my goal was NEVER to be a victim so I always thought of ways to literally kill people if they tried me. To me, everything is a weapon and I still believe that. The goal is to not have to use said weapons. These came from my upbringing. It came from being verbally abused and watching my mom be verbally (and I believe, physically) abused. This is likely why I never PICK fights but, if I feel that someone has done me wrong, I will fly off the handle.

New meds helped me get over that incident. My father forgave me and I forgave myself and him. I learned that you can’t just go into a flying rage. When I look at my two fingers on my right hand, I am reminded of what I did. The knife went through my hand and cut the tendons in two of my fingers. This happened 10 years ago but I reflect on it a lot because 1) I literally had reached my breaking point and 2) I was in the psych ward for a week and I would never want to return to that.

What Did I Learn?

Everything doesn’t warrant a violent response. Although I have probably had about two to four more incidents after that, it has never gotten all the way to that point. I have to still myself and think. But there are people that like to test you. Members of my family are the main culprits which is really irritating because they KNOW my temper. It’s as if they are trying to dare me into doing what they know I am capable of. And that in itself irritates me (trigger). You know what I am capable of but you still want to try me, why?

I have one sibling that I have never gotten along with that says the most hateful and heartless things. I have gotten into it with her on many occasions. People that feel that their family and their feelings aren’t valid and don’t even want to hear them bother me. Everyone has feelings and a right to express them. Never silence those feelings because you might be at that person’s funeral one day because you chose to be a jerk instead of just being a listening ear but I digress. Because of certain things, I don’t really have too much to say to her because we always tend to get into arguments due to her utter lack of empathy. The same goes for the woman that called me fat on numerous occasions. When my family came at me in the past, it was always in packs. I never liked that so I learned to disengage.

How Social Media Helped Me

In addition to having TWO great professionals that have been working with me for the past 10 years, I have found my own way to deal with people that are jerks. One way is to just use my words. In the past, I used to hit people. The thing is: You can’t hit, stab, or choke people out on the internet. So when people say really rude, nasty, and unnecessary things to me online, I have to use my words. In the past, I didn’t use my words, I just went straight to the violence because I didn’t have time to try to reason with someone. I recognize this now from tons of self evaluation and talking to my therapist and psychiatrist. I have been on meds for almost 30 years now. The process in learning yourself isn’t an easy one and can be very frustrating. I also believe that obtaining my Bachelor’s degree in Psychology really helped. I had to look into myself and my memories a lot and come to an understanding of who I was as a person.

Avoiding Triggers

Basically, I learned that my triggers are people period. I just don’t really get along with them and I can’t do disrespect. Most people can’t do disrespect but my response is not the typical response to it. Because I know that is my problem, I do things to avoid it. I have the best job working from home (I hope to keep it forever). I have learned to just disengage when people (especially family) try me. I go shopping when other people aren’t out. My friends make fun of me because I go to grocery stores as soon as they open. If Aldi opened at six, I would be there at six. They now open at 8 which is great (they used to open at 10). Because I work from home, I don’t have to drive much and deal with rude drivers.

My medications help in that they put a little barrier up so that everything doesn’t piss me off anymore. But staying away from people and unknown situations also helps. I go to very few places and I also use music to help me.

Because I don’t want to damage my daughter (who has special needs), I try to go outside of my comfort zone and do different things but I can’t usually handle them for a long time. I stay away from crowds (people tend to be rude by stepping on you and not acknowledging you even if you’re a giant like me). I try my best to do more for my daughter because she is a social butterfly and loves people and it takes a lot out of me but I do it because she shouldn’t suffer because of my affliction. My introversion comes from really trying to stay out of trouble because I know what I am capable of.

And although the almost stabbing incident happened 10 years ago, as I stated, I have had a few more incidents that could have resulted in serious violence. One happened when I had to ration out my meds because I didn’t have insurance (some people truly NEED meds). Since that incident, I haven’t missed meds. So if you can piss me off and I’m on meds, you’ve really gone far and I do my best to disengage.

One thing that I don’t like is when people expect the world to change for them because they have triggers. The world will not change for you. You have to learn what causes your triggers and learn to cope with them.

Every year, people say things like “Don’t light fireworks because of vets” or “Don’t make April Fool’s Day jokes about being pregnant because some women can’t get pregnant”. Remember when I said that my dad didn’t like helicopters? He learned to COPE with them. The world will not change to make you feel comfortable. The world will continue to change and grow and will never bend to your will. So don’t be a victim of your triggers. It sounds harsh but it is reality. I can’t expect people not to try me because I have a horrible temper. What I CAN do is change how I respond to those triggers and not let them rule my life. Yes, it is still a work in progress (especially when it comes to new places and meeting new people) but I try because this world is not, and will NEVER be, centered around me.

Please take these words into consideration coming from someone that has to cope with their past on a daily basis. It is better to be cognizant of your triggers than to ignore them or expect the rest of the world to handle you with kid gloves because of your past. We have options. We can’t be victims for the rest of our lives.

I’m Natural But I Don’t Like a Lot of Y’all Natural Folks

You know how I always say that you don’t have to down a whole group to uplift yourself?  Well, that applies to natural haired women.  I went natural about 5 years ago because I enjoyed doing my daughter’s natural hair (which she has since cut but this ain’t about her).  As a child, my mom always went in on “nappy” hair and put a relaxer in my hair at about the age of 8.  I don’t fault her for it as she had 3 girls and her own head to do.  She never really had a good opinion of natural hair so she didn’t like it that my daughter was natural.  That’s great.  I broke the cycle *applause*.  However, most of my life, I was relaxed and had very healthy, long hair.  I treated my hair like natural people treat their hair (I have to remember some dialogue I had with a woman today about this).  I didn’t use heat and I think I stretched my relaxers from like 3-6 mos.  There was a time (before I cut it) that people swore my hair was fake.  It wasn’t but I kept some braids in too long and it ruined my hair so I got it cut into a bob at the age of about 17.  Fun times.

Anyhow, after that, I just really wasn’t into hair.  My exes used to pay to get my hair done and stuff. That was always nice but, as I got older, I continued to get relaxers with no issues.  When I had my daughter, I wanted her to understand that she was fine just the way she was no matter what snide comments my mom made about her hair.  My mom probably has like 3A hair and didn’t want not ONE curl or kink in it.  She would relax her hair just because.  Said we got our “nappy hair” from our father.  Kids remember things like that.  So I had to break that cycle with my daughter.  Besides, I LOVED doing twists on her hair and the like.  I, however, suck at cornrows so I would take her to get her hair done because my  mom used to take me to get my hair done.  Kie would get her hair done every 2-4 weeks.  I even found a kids salon (that I just found out moved to flippin North Carolina on me after Kie cut her hair off).  But let me get to the subject at hand.

When I was transitioning (I’m used to long hair so I wasn’t doing a “big chop), I went to natural hair groups to learn some things.  What did I learn there?

Women that Wear Weaves Don’t Like Themselves

Come on, man.  I know plenty of people that wear weaves because they’re lazy (like me but I can’t afford bundles), they are busy and don’t have time to be playing in hair all day, they like versatility (and don’t want to put chemicals in their hair), they don’t like to put heat on their hair, or they want to give their hair a rest.

Why does it have to be that there is some sort of internal issue?  Why can’t a person just do what they want with their hair and live.  India Arie told us years ago “I am not my hair”.  Everyone has their own struggle.  Everyone has to do what works for them.  It doesn’t have to do with conforming to others and their wishes.  I sure didn’t.  Like Cartman said “I do what I want.”

Women That Are Relaxed Have Unhealthy Hair

You sure about that?  I see a lot of people with natural hair putting chemicals in their hair, especially color.  That isn’t all that healthy either but okay.  Why you worried about the chemical she puts in her hair when you’re still putting chemicals in your hair?  Like I said, my hair is just as long and healthy as it was when I was relaxed. Grew like a weed. Take care of your hair and it will be good to you.  Healthy eating, exercise, drinking water, etc helps.  It’s not all about the relaxer.

Black Women Are the Only Group That HATES Their Hair

Interesting.  The good thing about knowing about other cultures is that you can see that everything isn’t relegated to ONE race.  You think Hispanic folks don’t get their curly hair straightened?  They do.  You think everyone was born with straight hair?  I worked with Hispanic women that straightened their hair DAILY.  That isn’t always their hair texture.  Why do you think they get blow outs at the Dominican salons?  For fun?  And we don’t hate our hair, it’s versatility.  There is NOTHING wrong with doing your hair differently from time to time.  Who are they hurting?  Just as Asian people can curl their hair, why can’t we straighten ours without having our motives questioned?

Then a girl tried to tell me it’s “appropriation”.  So when we do it, it’s cultural appropriation as well?  Some black people have straight hair.  So how are we appropriating something that is actually in our genes?  I asked her if she knew the ethnicity of everyone in the world to make such a generalization.  Think about it:  Why do you think people are all into the ancestry and stuff?  Because we don’t know what we are.  We are all mixed with something so how can I appropriate when I am just about everything?  LOL  Shoot, I know there is white in me so where’s the issue?  If I want to wear green hair, I have that right.  Who exactly does it hurt?

I think there are people in Japan that actually want kinky hair and have taken measures to achieve that look as well. There are White people that perm (not relax) their hair because they don’t like their hair straight. And don’t get me started on black folks getting mad at other people braiding or putting their hair in locs. I wasn’t there when the first loc was made nor the first braid so I can’t claim anything and half of us can’t claim anything either because we’re all mixed with something.

Men Are More Attracted to “Natural” Women

People have got to learn to mind their own business.  And the MEN!  A LOT of y’all jump on that bandwagon too.  It’s HAIR, man.  It can be changed.  You might miss out out on a great woman because she had a weave in when you saw her the first time.  Doesn’t mean she always rocks a weave.  It’s HAIR.  It doesn’t define her personality or her worth.

We have so much against us already yet we, as black people, try to separate ourselves from one another day in and day out.  I’ve been on both sides of a lot of things.  I think that’s disrespectful to go in on people for having their own opinion when it comes to their OWN hair. If you are not paying for my hair or doing my hair (for free), then shut up.  No one asked you.

I have always said that if we were all the same, we would find a way to separate ourselves.  We would find SOMETHING that made us feel better than the next person.

I have been in and left a LOT of natural hair groups because they can’t seem to get it together.  We can all be beautiful in our own right.  You think these celebrities are worried about yall talking about how they’re always wearing weaves?  No, because it protects their hair from a bunch of styling and burning that would break their hair off.  That’s why a lot of people wear wigs and weaves. They respect their crown.  Me?  I wear wraps because my arms hurt from twisting all this hair (and I have a lot).  I had a lot when it was relaxed and I have a lot natural.  Nothing changed about my personality either.

For some reason, people really think that people change with the texture of their hair. Sure, you might feel a little happy because you don’t have to twist your hair and clog up the shower when you wash it.  You might get more sleep which actually could help you be happier because all you have to do is get out the bed, take your bonnet off, and bounce. But it doesn’t change who you are as a person.

We really need to stop putting so much stock in hair.  It’s truly not that serious.  As I have said before. We’ve got an idiot in the White House trying to go to war with any and everyone, people are being shot and killed for nothing, there are wildfires all over the place, and trees are falling on houses. When you get to heaven, do you think God is going to ask about the texture or color of your hair?  Nah. So shut up and let people live.

It’s a shame that I learned more in natural hair groups about hating people that weren’t natural than how to control my mane, IJS…..

Update on the Weight Loss and Diabetes

I said I would give you guys an update and that is what I shall do.  I have had a lot of ups and downs with these medication changes.  I did a lot of crying, had to re enlist the help of my therapist again, and just sleep a lot of things off.  I had to accept help from people that I have never met in my life that truly really cared about me.  It was an eye opening experience.

Right now, I can say that I am doing a lot better (except that the medication changes have messed up my menstrual cycles so I get two week periods which sucks).  I have a lot more support because I have opened up more to people.

According to my A1C, technically, the diabetes (AKA DM) is gone but my doc wants me off the Metformin for 3 mos to retest before we truly wave goodbye to that trash.  I stopped taking it the day she sent me my lab results.  So I will retest and see her.  Wanna know how much weight I have lost?  Almost 30 lbs.  And this is mainly because of the med change.  I haven’t been working out as much (sprained my ankles)  but I have been eating right.  But most of this is from me pretty much not eating at night (which the Seroquel makes me do).  Anyhow, this is just a quick check in for you guys (that cared).

Once my ankle heals, my dog and I will be out there killing the hills and I will be back on my weights again (I mainly do upper body things now and light elliptical work).  I’m sure Gary  will be happy for those walks again.

Thanks for reading.  🙂

What Joy Do You Get From Making Fun of Overweight People?

In my previous blogs, I have talked a lot about being the skinny black girl that people constantly reminded that men didn’t want. I was often made fun of for being slim and I actually ate a lot. People felt that I didn’t have the right to exercise at the gym because I was slim. But you can go check that blog out (go ahead and do it).

Today, I’m going to talk about being overweight or “fat” as society likes to refer to it. Why is it the thing to make fun of people for their weight? What exactly do we get out of making fun of people for their weight? Do we know their stories? Do we see how it impacts their mental health? Do we even know how they got to be that size? Do we know if they have tried to get help but got frustrated? Have you ever been frustrated? It takes the fight out of you sometimes, doesn’t it?

Well, I’m writing this blog because I am constantly being called fat (by family, of course) but why does this have to even be said? I have a scale and I have a mirror. What makes it worse is that your family knows a little more than strangers do so they should have a little bit more sensitivity about what you’re going through. But they don’t.

My Story

In summary, I used to be skinny. At 5’11, I was 152 lbs before I got pregnant, 172 while pregnant, and 148 lbs after pregnancy. After a stent in the psych ward, they put me on Seroquel to help me sleep. One of the main side effects of that medication is weight gain. I gained a bunch of weight (and boobs). But you can see all that in the other blog I told you guys about here.

On 4/13/2018, I was diagnosed with diabetes (DM) and you can find that blog here. Seroquel caused it but only after me being on it for about 8 years. I worked out and ate right (got to 180 lbs) but this past year the Seroquel was done with me (I hit 237 lbs). So, I had to get off the Seroquel and get on Klonopin. As soon as I did that, the weight started coming off. I am down 26 lbs (I am 211 lbs) as I type this.

Anyhow, I have been to three funerals in the past 2 or three months. I have an aunt that feels that her greetings to me should always be about my weight. Some years ago, I wrote a blog about coming home from a 6 mile run and being called fat when I came in the house by my father and then again by my cousin, mom, and aunt.

Anyhow, back to the funerals. At two of the three funerals, my aunt said things about my weight. The first time she greeted me with “Oh, so you’re not model thin anymore.” No “Hello, isn’t this a sad occasion” or anything? She just let me know that I was fat. Thanks. Today, we were at another funeral and her greeting to me was “Hi Fatty.” Now, when I had found out that she was in town and going with my mom to the funeral, I kind of had it in the back of my mind that she was going to say something EVEN THOUGH I literally dropped 26 lbs. I just shrugged it off and went and sat down. I told my oldest sister and she was infuriated. Not because she said it but she knew that this wasn’t the first time she had said it. Changing medications is hard. Changing medications had me crying for no reason and all kinds of stuff. I was in a bad place so to add that onto some of the other things I was facing just wasn’t a good thing.

My sister told my mom “You need to check your sister.” My oldest sister is one of the most soft spoken people until you piss her off. And, clearly, my new meds were working or I just refused to deal with it. We were at a funeral for goodness sake! Two funerals, you had to tell me I was fat at. So my mother must have said something to my aunt and my aunt called me over. For some reason, she didn’t know that calling me fat offended me. Had no clue at all.

Do you know of anyone that likes to be called fat or told that they aren’t what they used to be? Do you? I don’t. But that’s just me. And I can be a very hateful person when pushed but it wasn’t worth it. It just wasn’t. But it really made me think about a lot of things.

Being Rude for What?

What do you get out of telling someone something that they already know or see on a daily basis? Everyone has a struggle. Yes, my struggle was being made fun of for being “too” skinny for a while. But it was a struggle and it was a personal struggle that made me feel a bit bad about myself. Do people care about this?

I have a cousin that had sarcoidosis of the brain and had to take Prednisone. She gained weight. Then she had knee problems and now hip problems because she puts her weight on one knee to compensate for the injured other knee. It’s not easy moving around in that state. So when a person that is overweight goes out (usually because they HAVE to), they don’t need comments from people about their weight. You don’t know their story. You don’t have to be a jerk to them.

I’m an introvert for one VERY important reason. I have a temper from hell. I stay away from people so as not to be tempted to kill them or strangle them for saying or doing something stupid to make me go off. I don’t place myself in positions to be ridiculed or harassed. So, you will catch me at a funeral or a grocery store as soon as it opens because I don’t want to interact with people that might put me in a place I don’t want to go back to.

Basically, what I’m saying is “Mind your own business.” This world is hard enough. We have racists out here calling the cops on kids for mowing lawns and selling water. We have Trump as President. We might be going to war with North Korea at any moment even though we act like we’re cool, etc. Is any of this petty mess going to matter when the world goes to hell? No. So leave people alone for their weight. Everyone has a story and you don’t know it. How about trying to talk to them like a person?

Unless you are a doctor or a personal trainer that knows how to help them and can help them with their mental health to get them to a place of confidence, don’t bother them. Don’t tear them down. That mess isn’t cute and God has a way of humbling you. So watch out.

This blog was all over the place but this just happened today and I just think that some people need to have a heart. I don’t say or do anything with malice unless I am pushed. I also have to say that I haven’t had anyone stand up for me in a very long time so it was nice to have someone actually do that. Thanks to my sister for that. At least I got an apology but I really hope that my aunt thinks about her words in the future.

Thanks for reading. 🙂

The Kittens and Their Tenacious Mom

I never named her but the first time I met her, I was taking trash out to the dumpster and she jumped out of it.  I screamed like the biggest punk in the world that day.  I don’t know if she was pregnant then but, later, my neighbors told me that she had kittens.  No one knew where the kittens were but they must have been around my building because she was always lurking there.

I don’t know if I have bad luck or what but I hate cats but I did work as a vet tech for a while and had a certificate to do some many moons ago.  I am allergic to cats.  I found out in the “kitten room”.  Now I have a cat, Cutie, that sleeps beside me on a pillow every night and is watching me type this as we speak.

Anyhow, once I found out that Ms. Dumpster Cat was a mom, I felt that I needed to help her feed her babies. I didn’t want her eating out of the trash trying to nourish her babies so I started feeding her Cutie’s food (don’t tell Cutie, she would freak out).  It was some good, holistic stuff.

One day, when I was picking up the empty can, I looked to my left and saw the kittens. FIVE of them. She hid them so well, no one knew where they were. They were safe from the elements and hard to reach (I’ll get to that part later).  Anyhow, as I went to get up from picking up the can that I fed her, I slipped in the mud and sprained both my ankles badly.  This was June the 23rd.  I got so hot that I sat there in the mud for a minute.  You see, I was going to take a bag to the trash and go to the store. I had plans for that day. I was gonna clean the whole apartment and all that.  Nope!  Nope!  I took my behind in the house (after limping to the dumpster), went in, and put my feet up.

I knew I was going to have to get them checked out so I went to urgent care where I received some drugs and was told to stay off my feet while keeping ice on my ankles.  I did a number on myself. Whose fault was it?  Mine.  But whatever.

Crybaby Neighbor

Now, most of the people in the building knew of the cat because she’d just be around chillin.  She wasn’t too scared of people and she hated Gary (my German Shepherd) but she didn’t bother anyone.  I wanted to make sure she and her kittens could be out of the elements though so I called Animal Control and I wasn’t cool with how they talked about getting the cats. They would have to get them all or euthanize them.  Not on my watch.

So one day, my neighbor that is scared of absolutely EVERYTHING (she admitted it) saw me picking up a can that I had left Dumpster Cat.  So she’s like “I called Animal Control and they said that someone can come get them.  They told me to call the manager.  I have their number.”  I told her I would call them.  It turned out to be the same folks talkin bout euthanizing them and I wasn’t having that at all.  Not on my watch.

Why did the neighbor want the cat gone besides her being a scaredy cat?  Well, her daughter has asthma and she told the management office that either the cat died or her child was going to die.  Now, this pissed me off.  Here’s why:  The cat is OUTSIDE of the building.  The kittens are deep down beside the building and can’t even get out.  I sat there and watched them. SHE goes and nurses them and then comes out.  Those kittens weren’t going to hurt a soul.  So I was pissed about that.  BUT, how is your child so asthmatic but lives in a building where people smoke weed and you can smell it every day?  So I was pissed about that.

I resolved that I was getting those kittens outta there.  I sent an inbox to Last Chance Animal Rescue (where I got Gary) and asked them what I could do.  At first they said I would have to catch them all but then, when I sent them a pic of the kittens alone, they said that they could separate from their mom and to bring them in. I didn’t want to do that to the mom.  I mean, I’m a mom and cats probably don’t care but I do. And I knew they would do for the mom and the kittens (they spay and neuter animals before they adopt them out).  So I was just chillin and I said “I’m going to get all these animals and take them away from here before crybaby has the people come”.

Management said they weren’t calling anyone on the cats because it was inhumane and the cats weren’t bothering anyone so I had them on my side at least.

Caught Em All

I got my cat’s carrier and put some food in it.  I was sittin there waiting for the mom to go in so I could trap her but she went down into where the kittens were and yelled at me when I snapped the pic you guys see. I was like “Okay, but I’m going to catch you.”  Mind you, my ankles are still messed up but I’m an animal lover and I don’t want anyone to die for no reason.

She came out and was toying around with the carrier but wanted to annoy me. I had on a hoodie.  So I took it off, stuffed my keys and phone in my bra, and snatched her up and stuffed her in the carrier. She didn’t make a sound. I think she was just tired.  I know I would have been and it was going to get really hot soon (not like she knew that or anything).  So I put her in my air conditioned car and proceeded to get on my stomach to reach allllll five of those cats who were hissing and spitting at me.  But I got them all.

Last Chance Animal Rescue (LCAR)

I took them to the animal rescue (after I inboxed my boss that I had caught them and wasn’t lying) and the people were so happy to see them. They started pulling them out one by one and playing with the mom. They said the kittens looked to be 4 weeks old and they were well fed. Mom, on the other hand, had given all she had to her five babies and was skin and bones.  I signed all the paperwork and found out that they were going to be fostered by a girl named Melissa.  Melissa is already fostering 19 cats.  Once they are all about 8 weeks old, they will go to adoption events and find new homes.  Mom will be spayed and the kittens will be fixed as well (I have no clue what their sex was).  I wish I could post a live I did where I introduced all of them but they were the cutest.  I told the mom that she had done a phenomenal job and pat her head.  There was one kitten that didn’t take its eyes off me the whole time while I sat and waited to process them into the rescue.  Beautiful kitten.  Mom had some scrapes on her face because she’s a scrappy thing but she was so calm. The vet techs were very surprised at how calm she was.

I will be checking up on them as one of my friends wants one (or two). So I will find out where they will be and we will go pick one up.  They are the cutest and this pic does them NO justice whatsoever. I was just happy to help.  I came in the house, doused my clothes in water and soap and washed my hair though. I had spiderwebs and leaves in my hair and was dirty.  But those babies will find homes and be healthy.  I’ll take that any day.

Thanks for reading.  🙂

I’ve Had a Good Few Years…Time to Expect the Worst

Listen, I am one of those people who really doesn’t do the whole negative or positive thinking thing. I’m one of those people that is a realist.  I know that bad things happen to people just like good things happen to people.  Last week, I wrote about the roller coaster week I had and it ended pretty well, right? Well, today is now Wednesday and that transcribing job from home that I had gotten is no longer mine.

Now, I’m not going to put the name of the people out there because that wouldn’t be all that nice, however, they let me go in exactly a week because my accuracy fell to a 4.3 (they want a 4.5) while my formatting was 4.5 which is what they wanted.  In this business, you go from Rookie to R*****, to R*******+.  So I had just made it to the second level on my fourth day there. Instead of demoting me back down to a Rookie, they straight let me go and wished me the best.  Not gonna lie, that hurt. Why?  Because I was staying up late getting paid “less than minimum wage” as my sister reminded me, only to be let go because of a .2 difference in accuracy.  And, might I add, it was their “final decision.”

So, I’m back to looking for another telecommuting position to go with my full-time job that is giving me issues because they are holding back the overtime.  Now, I could just use a different email address, address, and put my payments on a card instead of using my PayPal, or I could just let it go. The bottom line is that I really need the money and, although it was pennies, it was more than I had.

So anyway, back to what I was saying.  I had a good few years and sometimes you just have to wait for the other shoe to fall.  So, it can be expected that things aren’t always going to go well forever.  Every day I am grateful for what I do have.  I mean, every single day.  I love my full-time job. I love the fact that I have a place of my own.  But what would I do if everything was taken away from me?  It’s not like it couldn’t happen?

And even when you do your best, life doesn’t always want to cooperate.  I’ve been finding the positive in a lot of things (like having Diabetes or them messing my credit up because the FedLoan people didn’t appropriately contact me and claimed I had signed up to get everything online regarding my student loan (but that’s another subject)).  The bottom line is that I won’t give up period.

People think I’m lying about getting on the pole but you just might see my fat behind up on somebody’s pole if more money doesn’t come in.

I have to say that ANOTHER person gave me money through PayPal and I cried today.  This time it was a coworker’s mother who has never met me a day in her life and only heard about me through her daughter.  I do not do well with taking things from people and I do not share my stories to get sympathy. I share my stories to show that life isn’t always the best and what you see is what you get with me. I don’t need to put on a show and act like I’ve got it all together because I truly don’t.  And that’s another thing about being bipolar; we just try to live each day as it comes to us.  That’s all we can do.  If it weren’t for my daughter, doctors, and meds, I wouldn’t be here right now.

I saw my therapist yesterday for the first time in about a year and I caught her up on a lot of things that had frustrated me that I had since gotten over but it’s good to just get your feelings out.  It doesn’t have to be in a blog.  Write in your diary, cry in the shower, cry in the bath.  But get those feelings out because they will eat you alive.

Before I was diagnosed with anything, I had a temper. And I had such a temper that I will flip at the littlest thing. I have been known to pull knives on people, put people in choke holds, punch people or things, etc.  It was always in me but, because my mom wanted me to pray about it, I held it in and it did more harm than good.  So get that mess out because my temper gave me heart palpitations.  Just think on that.  A teenager with heart palpitations because of pent-up anger.

Anyhow, I’m just venting right now.  It’s been a rough day but I’m going to keep my head up and, if push comes to shove, I’ll have to go back out into the world and work among people.  Yes, I would prefer a job that I could work from home because people are rude and I know my temper but life happens sometimes.  There are other companies out there so I will just start looking at them. Thanks for reading.  Have a great day!

This Week Was a Roller Coaster

Monday:

I think I was either going to have a nervous breakdown or throw myself off the balcony.  It was SOOO hard.  I woke my daughter up for school and made three discoveries that made me nuts.  Saturday, I had noticed that there was a lot of kitty litter on the floor and I ASSumed that she was playing in my cat’s kitty litter box.  We cleaned it up and I thought all was well.  However, on Monday, I noticed that she was playing in the CLEAN kitty litter. How did I find that out?

Well, I noticed that the kitty litter holder that is usually heavy and FULL of kitty litter was thrown on the other side of her bed.  Of course, it was empty which meant I had no kitty litter.  Not only did I not have kitty litter, I had no money.

That wasn’t the end, however.  My daughter moved like a sloth (she’s probably sick of school and it’s the end of the school year) so we got into an argument.  Remember, she has an intellectual disability so things are different in our arguments. Anyhow, I told her that she was a child and that she was rude for doing things and having everything fall on me to pick up.  She yelled “I’m not a child”. She’s 12.  Still a child. She better stop.  Anyhow, she moved like a sloth and, by the time we were running to the bus stop, the bus was already there.  I just gave the driver and assistant a look and they already knew.  You would think that was the end, right?  Nope.

Oh, I knew I forgot something. She couldn’t find her shoes.  THAT’S really why we were late to the bus. We didn’t find them so I had to find her older shoes that might have been a little too small but that was her fault so that’s really why she was late.  Once I got her on the bus, I came in the house and worked but it nagged me that we couldn’t find her shoes.  Who loses their own shoes?  She does.  Anyhow, I’m looking for her shoes and open a drawer.  What I find in the drawer pisses me off  Kie has a blog as well so all of her stuff is mostly in there but what I found was a bunch of her lunch juice (that I get her for lunch ONLY) and a bunch of cheese crackers where the cheese had been licked out but the crackers were left (those were for her lunch as well).  More money wasted.

I think I hurt Kie’s feelings so I texted her teacher and gave her a heads up.  She said that Kie did seem a bit down when she came in and they discussed the issue.  Kie’s issue was that I called her a child.  Her teacher said “Well, you are a child.”  She said she was her silly self by about 10 so she was fine.  She asked if I wanted to call and speak to her so I did.  All Kie wanted to do was talk about The Lion King (we saw it in New York in May) so she was fine but I still felt bad because I never want to hurt her feelings so I apologized to her for how mean I seemed.

Thankfully, I had rescheduled a psychiatrist visit and it fell on this day.  I went to my psychiatrist and, for the first time in the 8 years I had been seeing him, I cried.  I was just so overwhelmed with life in general.  My job hasn’t been giving us overtime which is really putting a hurting on my savings accounts.  So when my daughter is wasting my money, that doesn’t help the situation.  In addition to my mom needing money for things since her stroke.  I wish I could help but I’m struggling so much on a daily basis. My last check didn’t even cover my rent and I had three other big amounts to pay for a student loan, car insurance, and a credit card that I’m trying to pay down.  So things are really tight over here.  The most money I probably have is on my HSA card which is kind of funny.  Kie’s glasses broke again. I think that happened on Monday too so yeah, that annoyed me as well but at least my insurance covers that.

Anyway, I was just telling a coworker that I have never met in person about the whole kitty litter incident.  Well, I had made a video talking about it and showing it on Facebook (people LOVE my daughter and animals so they demand to hear about them) and my coworker asks me for my address.  I’m like “What are you doing?”  She sent me a message saying that I would get the kitty litter by Wednesday.  So everyone wanted to make me cry, I guess.  I thanked her over and over again. I didn’t expect that. I just share my stories to let people know what it’s like to have a child with an intellectual disability when you have a mental illness yourself.  I also am not big on taking things from people.  I never ask. I just try to fight my way out of things on my own.  But it was HUGE for her to do that for us.  She has a dog named Chico and she said that Chico wouldn’t want Cutie not to have kitty litter.  It was sweet and it really did help me out.

Tuesday:

Pretty uneventful. I took my medication increase and felt a LOT better. Just kept checking my inbox because I had applied for a transcription from home position on Friday. I worked out and I think I actually hit my 10k steps.  I was still losing weight and just trying to stay motivated.

Wednesday:

I got the transcription position and started working that day.  I needed all the pennies I could get so I started working and probably did three short jobs that day.

I also got a request from another person that I have NEVER met in person but harass on Facebook because she’s just fun (and I didn’t like her at first so I always remind her of that LOL) asking for my PayPal information.  I’m sitting here wondering what she is doing.  I give it to her and then she tells me she’s sending me money because her brother sent her money but she prayed and felt that I needed the money more than she did.  Do you know I cried?  It’s like I cried more in this week than I have in a minute now.

The crying isn’t just because of the appreciation but it’s because people actually CARE and people want to be there to help.  They don’t have to do it and I don’t ask them to do it but they just care enough to do so.  I’ve done it in the past myself but I just don’t expect people to care enough to do it for me, I guess.  So it made me feel good and that I wasn’t alone.  That people want to see me do well.

Thursday:

Blah

Friday:

More blah.  Just thankful to have jobs and to feel better with my meds. Got kind of worried because the transcription position I got told me that I needed to have a higher score or I wouldn’t have that little position anymore.

Saturday (today):

I improved my score and moved up the ranks in my transcription position.  I also saw an opportunity with the same company to transcribe for closed captioning so I’m going to get my typing score up and apply for that position as well. I can work when I want or need to in this position as well.  Hopefully, my full time job will give us OT by August but it’s not a guarantee so I have to do what I have to do.  I still love my job. They have beautiful benefits and truly do care for their employees.

I did almost have another nervous breakdown because….um….my daughter is growing up (I had to buy her a ton of new clothes because nothing fits her).  I took her to the pool today and I don’t need her to grow.  Not with the pervs that we have around here.  It’s why I make her go to Taekwondo where they also teach street fighting.  I need to get her out of this area but perverts are everywhere so there’s really no way around it.  I’ve just gotta teach her more about self defense and train my dog to bite people (he’s a German Shepherd, really don’t have to train much on that.

I always say that God knows who to give certain children to.  I am a fighter.  I have always been one and I will guard that child with everything I have. She is extra nice and I don’t want her to be nice to the wrong person or a predator so it stresses me but I do it because I am her Amazon and she is my little Amazon princess. But I am not all she has.  I used to think that but now I see that there are so many other people that care about her and that would protect her as well.  These acts that came from people I have never even met in person have helped as well as others just checking on me to make sure I was okay.

This week was hard but I will say that my actual Facebook friends (some of which I have known from less than a year to 12 years and/or never met in person) have really been there for me even if I just wanted to vent which “strong” people don’t usually do.  It’s a beautiful thing and it is never forgotten.  Ever.

 

 

Bipolar and Black

I’ve talked about mental illness many times in my blogs a lot because I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder and Bipolar Disorder. I know that we have really been talking about it as a race because of some of the “crazy” things we’ve been seeing from celebrities. The biggest and first one that usually comes to mind is Kanye West. Some people say that there is nothing wrong with him while others say that he suffers from some sort of mental illness. In MY opinion he, like many people that suffer from mental illness, suffers from a number of mental illnesses. I would say that narcissism is one but it could also be one of the symptoms of bipolar disorder. Why did I bring his name up and “bipolar disorder”? Well, if you haven’t been under a rock, you know that he has recently come out with a new project called “Ye” and on the cover it says “It hate being bipolar, it’s awesome”. Now I need to write another blog about how people that suffer from the illness are responding (actually, I made a blog some years ago called People Just Don’t Get It about this subject) but, right now, I want to talk about how we African Americans treat mental illness.

As I say often, I have a BS in Psychology and I also have LIFE EXPERIENCE in psychology. I didn’t have the worst upbringing but I didn’t have the best upbringing. It definitely could have ended a lot worse. I was always a very good student. I was shy. I have three siblings (I am child #3 of 4 but the youngest girl). I came from a two parent family. However, it was a split religion household which caused some issues. My dad, although a good provider, suffered from PTSD and alcoholism. I am not saying this to air his dirty laundry but I say this to indicate that your upbringing can have a big impact on your mental health. It’s funny, however, that I feel that I was the only one that was impacted mentally by the things that I saw and/or heard. I had a violent temper but, because I was a great student and pretty much quiet, there were no real warning signs. No counselor would look at me weird because it didn’t seem like anything was wrong. My temper, however, was not a simple one and it got to the point that I had to learn how to not get mad at anything instantly. I had to give people the three strike rule because I used to get so mad that I started having chest pains in my teenage years. I knew something was wrong at that point. But the beliefs of black folks is a bit different when it comes to mental illness:

  1. Many of us feel that we need to handle things on our own
  2. Many of us self medicate
  3. Many of us think that praying to God will fix the situation
  4. Many of us don’t want people in our business
  5. Many of us think that mental illness or just a bout of depression instantly means you have to take drugs (there are many different types of therapy and some don’t even involve medication)
  6. Many of us are scared of being called “crazy”

I mean, I could probably go on but these are just SOME of the reasons. When we don’t take care of ourselves, we continue a cycle that can go on for generations. I can probably say that I have encouraged at least two ex boyfriends to seek out help and it helped them tremendously. Smoking and drinking is self medication. Yet, where is the negative stigma attached to that? We have a lot of people (especially men) walking around suffering on a daily basis and taking it out on the wrong people but drinking and smoking to get past some of the pain that they never coped with correctly. And the only way that I can encourage people to do so is to open myself up and listen. People are vulnerable around me and I feel that it is a gift that people feel that they can open up to me without feeling as though they will be judged.

In 2008, I was put into a psych ward for 5 days. The patients would rather talk to me than the actual counselors that worked there. Yes, I was in there for going off with a knife BUT it was because I didn’t take my meds (another reason why meds are important for ME personally) but the patients truly just felt that I was on their level and didn’t look down on them. Shoot, I was where they were. It was then that I decided to finish my degree in Psychology.

The more stories I hear on the news about people with mental illness, the more I want to help. The more I want to go back to school and obtain my Master’s but the way my money is set up….. LOL I just want to advocate for people. When I saw how people responded to Kanye’s rant around the anniversary of his mother’s death AND the robbery of his wife, I said THEN that I didn’t think that he really coped with him mom’s death and THEN another woman he loved almost got taken away from him. So when they had put him away for a while, I understood it while our African American people were siting here laughing at this man while drinking themselves into a stupor to cope with the stressors that plague them on a daily basis. We have got to do better. I don’t have a problem telling people that I suffer from bipolar disorder. Why? Because I (mostly) know how to take care of it. Some days (or even weeks) are worse than others but I still truck through because I have to for my little family.

When I was in school, I shared a lot of what I learned with my Facebook friends to give them more of an understanding of what depression and other mental illnesses is like. I have my favorite theorist as well. Erik Erickson is my absolute favorite theorist because he talked about developmental psychology and the stages that we go through from birth. These stages shape how we move on to the next stage. If we fail, we do a lot of damage to ourselves and we continue to have to try to make up for the failure. (As I am typing this, I just watched Jackie Christie on Basketball Wives talk to her psychologist for the first time and what did she say? She said that she didn’t go to the psychologist in the past because she felt that if you did, that meant that something was wrong with you. More proof of what I was saying. Black people, we HAVE to get out of this. We have to. If we don’t, we’re just going to pass toxic cycles onto our children.)

Erik Erickson – Psychosocial Stages

When you fail these stages, you either work harder to meet the next challenge to get to the next stage successfully or you just continue to decrease in the quality of your personality. So a lot of people are messed up from early on in their lives. Not to mention nature vs nurture. That’s the age old debate. I have three siblings. We were all reared in the same environment. So why are we all different and why do we all react differently to life as far as love, successes, and failures? Our personalities were formed by how we went through these stages. Okay, maybe I’m going on too much. But I love Erik Erickson to death. If you want to read more about the stages of development, go here.

Shoot, where was I? Bottom line: We need to remove the stigma of mental illness. I didn’t get diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder until the age of 20 when I was able to obtain my own insurance. I was told by my mom that I needed to pray more to God to help me. And I communicated my issues in my teens. I feel that I was treated a lot differently than my older sisters because they kind of broke my teenage years by doing crap that wasn’t cool so I was constantly accused of doing things I wasn’t supposed to do. Sad thing is that I was darn near a perfect student in school. I didn’t skip school. I got great grades, and I was pretty much a nerd. Anyone that you ask in high school that knew me (because I wasn’t popular) knew that I didn’t do anything but go to school and read and that I was a “knick knocker” the word they used for Jehovah’s Witness. I stayed out of trouble but was constantly accused of doing things I had no business. I’m sure that had a little to do with it. There was also verbal abuse but I don’t hold any grudges. Why? Because I LEARNED about mental illness and learned to understand why people did what they did. My dad was a Vietnam Vet. You tell me how many of them were right in the head after that. I’ll wait. I had an uncle that was one too. Sad part is that that PTSD was no joke and led a lot of them to alcoholism. With this knowledge, however, I know that I am predisposed to alcoholism so I don’t drink.

What we have to do is look at our lives and think about why we do the things we do. This takes a lot of self evaluation and sometimes learning about our parents and why they were the way they were. It’s not about pointing fingers and playing the victim though. It’s about learning from our past and breaking the cycle.

There is NOTHING wrong with having a mental illness. Just learn how to cope with it and move on from there. It will not be easy. I know it won’t be easy because I went through a lot to get to the point that I am at at this point and I have come a long way. My siblings and some people that have been around when I was violent will tell you that I don’t allow little things to piss me off like they used to and it’s partially because of the meds and learning my triggers. I also learned how to disengage. Yes, I walk away (I just advise people never to follow me).

Having a mental illness and overcoming it or managing shows more strength than many people know. You can continue to live your life just like others when you know what you’re working with. With that said, please do some self evaluation and really put things into perspective before it is too late. Unfortunately, they are throwing people with legit mental illnesses into prison with people without them. They are cutting funding for programs for people with mental illnesses because they feel there is no need for it when we can look around everywhere and see people walking around in denial and self medicating.

In summary (for the the millionth time), just take some time to do some self evaluation. Also, pay very good attention to your friends. They could be showing signs of mental illness and you might be missing the signs. I have had my own family miss the signs until I attempted suicide or went off the rails.

Have a nice day yall!

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