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I’ve Had a Good Few Years…Time to Expect the Worst

Listen, I am one of those people who really doesn’t do the whole negative or positive thinking thing. I’m one of those people that is a realist.  I know that bad things happen to people just like good things happen to people.  Last week, I wrote about the roller coaster week I had and it ended pretty well, right? Well, today is now Wednesday and that transcribing job from home that I had gotten is no longer mine.

Now, I’m not going to put the name of the people out there because that wouldn’t be all that nice, however, they let me go in exactly a week because my accuracy fell to a 4.3 (they want a 4.5) while my formatting was 4.5 which is what they wanted.  In this business, you go from Rookie to R*****, to R*******+.  So I had just made it to the second level on my fourth day there. Instead of demoting me back down to a Rookie, they straight let me go and wished me the best.  Not gonna lie, that hurt. Why?  Because I was staying up late getting paid “less than minimum wage” as my sister reminded me, only to be let go because of a .2 difference in accuracy.  And, might I add, it was their “final decision.”

So, I’m back to looking for another telecommuting position to go with my full-time job that is giving me issues because they are holding back the overtime.  Now, I could just use a different email address, address, and put my payments on a card instead of using my PayPal, or I could just let it go. The bottom line is that I really need the money and, although it was pennies, it was more than I had.

So anyway, back to what I was saying.  I had a good few years and sometimes you just have to wait for the other shoe to fall.  So, it can be expected that things aren’t always going to go well forever.  Every day I am grateful for what I do have.  I mean, every single day.  I love my full-time job. I love the fact that I have a place of my own.  But what would I do if everything was taken away from me?  It’s not like it couldn’t happen?

And even when you do your best, life doesn’t always want to cooperate.  I’ve been finding the positive in a lot of things (like having Diabetes or them messing my credit up because the FedLoan people didn’t appropriately contact me and claimed I had signed up to get everything online regarding my student loan (but that’s another subject)).  The bottom line is that I won’t give up period.

People think I’m lying about getting on the pole but you just might see my fat behind up on somebody’s pole if more money doesn’t come in.

I have to say that ANOTHER person gave me money through PayPal and I cried today.  This time it was a coworker’s mother who has never met me a day in her life and only heard about me through her daughter.  I do not do well with taking things from people and I do not share my stories to get sympathy. I share my stories to show that life isn’t always the best and what you see is what you get with me. I don’t need to put on a show and act like I’ve got it all together because I truly don’t.  And that’s another thing about being bipolar; we just try to live each day as it comes to us.  That’s all we can do.  If it weren’t for my daughter, doctors, and meds, I wouldn’t be here right now.

I saw my therapist yesterday for the first time in about a year and I caught her up on a lot of things that had frustrated me that I had since gotten over but it’s good to just get your feelings out.  It doesn’t have to be in a blog.  Write in your diary, cry in the shower, cry in the bath.  But get those feelings out because they will eat you alive.

Before I was diagnosed with anything, I had a temper. And I had such a temper that I will flip at the littlest thing. I have been known to pull knives on people, put people in choke holds, punch people or things, etc.  It was always in me but, because my mom wanted me to pray about it, I held it in and it did more harm than good.  So get that mess out because my temper gave me heart palpitations.  Just think on that.  A teenager with heart palpitations because of pent-up anger.

Anyhow, I’m just venting right now.  It’s been a rough day but I’m going to keep my head up and, if push comes to shove, I’ll have to go back out into the world and work among people.  Yes, I would prefer a job that I could work from home because people are rude and I know my temper but life happens sometimes.  There are other companies out there so I will just start looking at them. Thanks for reading.  Have a great day!

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This Week Was a Roller Coaster

Monday:

I think I was either going to have a nervous breakdown or throw myself off the balcony.  It was SOOO hard.  I woke my daughter up for school and made three discoveries that made me nuts.  Saturday, I had noticed that there was a lot of kitty litter on the floor and I ASSumed that she was playing in my cat’s kitty litter box.  We cleaned it up and I thought all was well.  However, on Monday, I noticed that she was playing in the CLEAN kitty litter. How did I find that out?

Well, I noticed that the kitty litter holder that is usually heavy and FULL of kitty litter was thrown on the other side of her bed.  Of course, it was empty which meant I had no kitty litter.  Not only did I not have kitty litter, I had no money.

That wasn’t the end, however.  My daughter moved like a sloth (she’s probably sick of school and it’s the end of the school year) so we got into an argument.  Remember, she has an intellectual disability so things are different in our arguments. Anyhow, I told her that she was a child and that she was rude for doing things and having everything fall on me to pick up.  She yelled “I’m not a child”. She’s 12.  Still a child. She better stop.  Anyhow, she moved like a sloth and, by the time we were running to the bus stop, the bus was already there.  I just gave the driver and assistant a look and they already knew.  You would think that was the end, right?  Nope.

Oh, I knew I forgot something. She couldn’t find her shoes.  THAT’S really why we were late to the bus. We didn’t find them so I had to find her older shoes that might have been a little too small but that was her fault so that’s really why she was late.  Once I got her on the bus, I came in the house and worked but it nagged me that we couldn’t find her shoes.  Who loses their own shoes?  She does.  Anyhow, I’m looking for her shoes and open a drawer.  What I find in the drawer pisses me off  Kie has a blog as well so all of her stuff is mostly in there but what I found was a bunch of her lunch juice (that I get her for lunch ONLY) and a bunch of cheese crackers where the cheese had been licked out but the crackers were left (those were for her lunch as well).  More money wasted.

I think I hurt Kie’s feelings so I texted her teacher and gave her a heads up.  She said that Kie did seem a bit down when she came in and they discussed the issue.  Kie’s issue was that I called her a child.  Her teacher said “Well, you are a child.”  She said she was her silly self by about 10 so she was fine.  She asked if I wanted to call and speak to her so I did.  All Kie wanted to do was talk about The Lion King (we saw it in New York in May) so she was fine but I still felt bad because I never want to hurt her feelings so I apologized to her for how mean I seemed.

Thankfully, I had rescheduled a psychiatrist visit and it fell on this day.  I went to my psychiatrist and, for the first time in the 8 years I had been seeing him, I cried.  I was just so overwhelmed with life in general.  My job hasn’t been giving us overtime which is really putting a hurting on my savings accounts.  So when my daughter is wasting my money, that doesn’t help the situation.  In addition to my mom needing money for things since her stroke.  I wish I could help but I’m struggling so much on a daily basis. My last check didn’t even cover my rent and I had three other big amounts to pay for a student loan, car insurance, and a credit card that I’m trying to pay down.  So things are really tight over here.  The most money I probably have is on my HSA card which is kind of funny.  Kie’s glasses broke again. I think that happened on Monday too so yeah, that annoyed me as well but at least my insurance covers that.

Anyway, I was just telling a coworker that I have never met in person about the whole kitty litter incident.  Well, I had made a video talking about it and showing it on Facebook (people LOVE my daughter and animals so they demand to hear about them) and my coworker asks me for my address.  I’m like “What are you doing?”  She sent me a message saying that I would get the kitty litter by Wednesday.  So everyone wanted to make me cry, I guess.  I thanked her over and over again. I didn’t expect that. I just share my stories to let people know what it’s like to have a child with an intellectual disability when you have a mental illness yourself.  I also am not big on taking things from people.  I never ask. I just try to fight my way out of things on my own.  But it was HUGE for her to do that for us.  She has a dog named Chico and she said that Chico wouldn’t want Cutie not to have kitty litter.  It was sweet and it really did help me out.

Tuesday:

Pretty uneventful. I took my medication increase and felt a LOT better. Just kept checking my inbox because I had applied for a transcription from home position on Friday. I worked out and I think I actually hit my 10k steps.  I was still losing weight and just trying to stay motivated.

Wednesday:

I got the transcription position and started working that day.  I needed all the pennies I could get so I started working and probably did three short jobs that day.

I also got a request from another person that I have NEVER met in person but harass on Facebook because she’s just fun (and I didn’t like her at first so I always remind her of that LOL) asking for my PayPal information.  I’m sitting here wondering what she is doing.  I give it to her and then she tells me she’s sending me money because her brother sent her money but she prayed and felt that I needed the money more than she did.  Do you know I cried?  It’s like I cried more in this week than I have in a minute now.

The crying isn’t just because of the appreciation but it’s because people actually CARE and people want to be there to help.  They don’t have to do it and I don’t ask them to do it but they just care enough to do so.  I’ve done it in the past myself but I just don’t expect people to care enough to do it for me, I guess.  So it made me feel good and that I wasn’t alone.  That people want to see me do well.

Thursday:

Blah

Friday:

More blah.  Just thankful to have jobs and to feel better with my meds. Got kind of worried because the transcription position I got told me that I needed to have a higher score or I wouldn’t have that little position anymore.

Saturday (today):

I improved my score and moved up the ranks in my transcription position.  I also saw an opportunity with the same company to transcribe for closed captioning so I’m going to get my typing score up and apply for that position as well. I can work when I want or need to in this position as well.  Hopefully, my full time job will give us OT by August but it’s not a guarantee so I have to do what I have to do.  I still love my job. They have beautiful benefits and truly do care for their employees.

I did almost have another nervous breakdown because….um….my daughter is growing up (I had to buy her a ton of new clothes because nothing fits her).  I took her to the pool today and I don’t need her to grow.  Not with the pervs that we have around here.  It’s why I make her go to Taekwondo where they also teach street fighting.  I need to get her out of this area but perverts are everywhere so there’s really no way around it.  I’ve just gotta teach her more about self defense and train my dog to bite people (he’s a German Shepherd, really don’t have to train much on that.

I always say that God knows who to give certain children to.  I am a fighter.  I have always been one and I will guard that child with everything I have. She is extra nice and I don’t want her to be nice to the wrong person or a predator so it stresses me but I do it because I am her Amazon and she is my little Amazon princess. But I am not all she has.  I used to think that but now I see that there are so many other people that care about her and that would protect her as well.  These acts that came from people I have never even met in person have helped as well as others just checking on me to make sure I was okay.

This week was hard but I will say that my actual Facebook friends (some of which I have known from less than a year to 12 years and/or never met in person) have really been there for me even if I just wanted to vent which “strong” people don’t usually do.  It’s a beautiful thing and it is never forgotten.  Ever.

 

 

Bipolar and Black

I’ve talked about mental illness many times in my blogs a lot because I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder and Bipolar Disorder.  I know that we have really been talking about it as a race because of some of the “crazy” things we’ve been seeing from celebrities.  The biggest and first one that usually comes to mind is Kanye West.  Some people say that there is nothing wrong with him while others say that he suffers from some sort of mental illness. In MY opinion he, like many people that suffer from mental illness, suffers from a number of mental illnesses. I would say that narcissism is one but it could also be one of the symptoms of bipolar disorder. Why did I bring his name up and “bipolar disorder”? Well, if you haven’t been under a rock, you know that he has recently come out with a new project called “Ye” and on the cover it says “It hate being bipolar, it’s awesome”.  Now I need to write another blog about how people that suffer from the illness are responding (actually, I made a blog some years ago called People Just Don’t Get It about this subject) but, right now, I want to talk about how we African Americans treat mental illness.

As I say often, I have a BS in Psychology and I also have LIFE EXPERIENCE in psychology.  I didn’t have the worst upbringing but I didn’t have the best upbringing. It definitely could have ended a lot worse.  I was always a very good student.  I was shy.  I have three siblings (I am child #3 of 4 but the youngest girl).  I came from a two parent family.  However, it was a split religion household which caused some issues.  My dad, although a good provider, suffered from PTSD and alcoholism.  I am not saying this to air his dirty laundry but I say this to indicate that your upbringing can have a big impact on your mental health.  It’s funny, however, that I feel that I was the only one that was impacted mentally by the things that I saw and/or heard.  I had a violent temper but, because I was a great student and pretty much quiet, there were no real warning signs.  No counselor would look at me weird because it didn’t seem like anything was wrong.  My temper, however, was not a simple one and it got to the point that I had to learn how to not get mad at anything instantly.  I had to give people the three strike rule because I used to get so mad that I started having chest pains in my teenage years.  I knew something was wrong at that point.  But the beliefs of black folks is a bit different when it comes to mental illness:

  1.  Many of us feel that we need to handle things on our own
  2.  Many of us self medicate
  3.  Many of us think that praying to God will fix the situation
  4. Many of us don’t want people in our business
  5. Many of us think that mental illness or just a bout of depression instantly means you have to take drugs (there are many different types of therapy and some don’t even involve medication)
  6. Many of us are scared of being called “crazy”

I mean, I could probably go on but these are just SOME of the reasons.  When we don’t take care of ourselves, we continue a cycle that can go on for generations.  I can probably say that I have encouraged at least two ex boyfriends to seek out help and it helped them tremendously.  Smoking and drinking is self medication.  Yet, where is the negative stigma attached to that?  We have a lot of people (especially men) walking around suffering on a daily basis and taking it out on the wrong people but drinking and smoking to get past some of the pain that they never coped with correctly.  And the only way that I can encourage people to do so is to open myself up and listen.  People are vulnerable around me and I feel that it is a gift that people feel that they can open up to me without feeling as though they will be judged.

In 2008, I was put into a psych ward for 5 days.  The patients would rather talk to me than the actual counselors that worked there.  Yes, I was in there for going off with a knife BUT it was because I didn’t take my meds (another reason why meds are important for ME personally) but the patients truly just felt that I was on their level and didn’t look down on them.  Shoot, I was where they were.  It was then that I decided to finish my degree in Psychology.

The more stories I hear on the news about people with mental illness, the more I want to help. The more I want to go back to school and obtain my Master’s but the way my money is set up…..  LOL  I just want to advocate for people.  When I saw how people responded to Kanye’s rant around the anniversary of his mother’s death AND the robbery of his wife, I said THEN that I didn’t think that he really coped with him mom’s death and THEN another woman he loved almost got taken away from him.  So when they had put him away for a while, I understood it while our African American people were siting here laughing at this man while drinking themselves into a stupor to cope with the stressors that plague them on a daily basis.  We have got to do better.  I don’t have a problem telling people that I suffer from bipolar disorder. Why?  Because I (mostly) know how to take care of it. Some days (or even weeks) are worse than others but I still truck through because I have to for my little family.

When I was in school, I shared a lot of what I learned with my Facebook friends to give them more of an understanding of what depression and other mental illnesses is like.  I have my favorite theorist as well.  Erik Erickson is my absolute favorite theorist because he talked about developmental psychology and the stages that we go through from birth. These stages shape how we move on to the next stage.  If we fail, we do a lot of damage to ourselves and we continue to have to try to make up for the failure.  (As I am typing this, I just watched Jackie Christie on Basketball Wives talk to her psychologist for the first time and what did she say?  She said that she didn’t go to the psychologist in the past because she felt that if you did, that meant that something was wrong with you. More proof of what I was saying.  Black people, we HAVE to get out of this.  We have to.  If we don’t, we’re just going to pass toxic cycles onto our children.)

 

Image result for erik erikson stages of development

When you fail these stages, you either work harder to meet the next challenge to get to the next stage successfully or you just continue to decrease in the quality of your personality.  So a lot of people are messed up from early on in their lives.  Not to mention nature vs nurture. That’s the age old debate.   I have three siblings.  We were all reared in the same environment.  So why are we all different and why do we all react differently to life as far as love, successes, and failures?  Our personalities were formed by how we went through these stages.  Okay, maybe I’m going on too much.  But I love Erik Erickson to death. If you want to read more about the stages of development, go here.

Shoot, where was I?  Bottom line:  We need to remove the stigma of mental illness.  I didn’t get diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder until the age of 20 when I a was able to obtain my own insurance. I was told by my mom that I needed to pray more to God to help me.  And I communicated my issues in my teens.  I feel that I was treated a lot differently than my older sisters because they kind of broke my teenage years by doing crap that wasn’t cool so I was constantly accused of doing things I wasn’t supposed to do. Sad thing is that I was darn near a perfect student in school. I didn’t skip school.  I got great grades, and I was pretty much a nerd.  Anyone that you ask in high school that knew me (because I wasn’t popular) knew that I didn’t do anything but go to school and read and that I was a “knick knocker” the word they used for Jehovah’s Witness.  I stayed out of trouble but was constantly accused of doing things I had no business. I’m sure that had a little to do with it.  There was also verbal abuse but I don’t hold any grudges. Why?  Because I LEARNED about mental illness and learned to understand why people did what they did.  My dad was a Vietnam Vet.  You tell me how many of them were right in the head after that. I’ll wait.  I had an uncle that was one too. Sad part is that that PTSD was no joke and let a lot of them to alcoholism. With this knowledge, however, I know that I am predisposed to alcoholism so I don’t drink.

What we have to do is look at our lives and think about why we do the things we do.  This takes a lot of self evaluation and sometimes learning about our parents and why they were the way they were.  It’s not about pointing fingers and playing the victim though. It’s about learning from our past and breaking the cycle.

There is NOTHING wrong with having a mental illness. Just learn how to resolve it and move on from there.  It will not be easy. I know it won’t be easy because I went through a lot to get to the point that I am at at this point and I have come a long way.  My siblings and some people that have been around when I was violent will tell you that I don’t allow little things to piss me off like they used to and it’s partially because of the meds and learning my triggers. I also learned how to disengage.  Yes, I walk away (I just advise never to follow me).

Having a mental illness and overcoming it or managing shows more strength that many people know.  You can continue to live your life just like others when you know what you’re working with.  With that said, please do some self evaluation and really put things into perspective until it is too late.  Unfortunately, they are throwing people with legit mental illnesses into prison with people without them.  They are cutting funding for programs for people with mental illnesses because they feel there is no need for it when we can look around everywhere and see people walking around in denial and self medicating.

In summary (the millionth time), just take some time to do some self evaluation.  Also, pay very good attention to your friends.  They could be showing signs of mental illness and you might be missing the signs. I have had my own family miss the signs until I attempted suicide or went off the rails.

Have a nice day yall!

Why in the World Did I Join a Bipolar Group on Facebook?

I gave all my groups away. I’m not sure if I blogged about it  but I let my feelings be known on another post about how people are.  Since I have done that, I have had more time on my hands and have been reading more and the like.  Because I have been having a bad few weeks lately, I decided to talk to people that I felt I could identify with.  You see, I have always been in the group but didn’t talk too much.  I would usually catch the topics that were highlighted (have a lot of comments) and I would offer encouragement.  What I learned in actually interacting more with the group is that I don’t belong in that group.  And it’s not even that I feel that I’m better than any of those people because there are GREAT people in the group. I think my issue is that there are too many victims in the group.  Also, just like most groups (but moreso in this group),  people feel that everything is an attack when it truly isn’t.   But here are the types of the people in the group (that will remain nameless and I’m not talking about situations or people that don’t involve me because I believe in HIPPA at all times (I am in the medical field).

I Have Bipolar Disorder But I Will it Away

I don’t know if they think that they are better than anyone but any time people are asked what they are on and how long they have been diagnosed, there are those that like to say that they take nothing and that’s great but it’s also not typical.  Not saying that everyone is the same and all but, bipolar disorder is a mental illness that doesn’t really just go away on its own which leads me to think that they either were misdiagnosed or they don’t even have it.  But when you say something to that effect, they say that they are being “attacked”.  It’s as if a lot of people in those groups can’t handle a difference of opinion or even a discussion.  I have worked in alternative medicine and I know that even THEY take medication (it might be natural but it is still treatment).  Acupuncture is also treatment.  But this might just be a flawed opinion of mine.  Because of what I know about depressive disorders (recurrent or single episode) and the like, it leads me to believe this ONLY because of my experience in the medical field and reading charts.  Now, this opinion might be wrong but it’s mine so just take it with a grain of salt if necessary. I still wanted to say it, however.

People in Different Stages of their Diagnosis

There are a lot of people in the group that seem to have given up.  In each of our walks of mental illness, we have to go through certain stages of our illness.  Usually we go through denial first.  Then, once we find out that it really isn’t denial, we have to accept that what we actually were diagnosed and resolve to fix it.  Now, resolving to fix it is an issue for some.  No lie, for ME, I was in denial.  I didn’t want to be on meds.  I really didn’t.  In 2000, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. I was also very violent before my diagnosis.  They put me on some meds.  I didn’t want to take them. I really didn’t.  But I noticed that I wasn’t getting better and I didn’t want to depend on somebody’s medication.  So yeah, I was in denial.  Great, so you get your meds, right?  But then what happens?  You have to keep trying until you get the meds that work for you. I’m pretty sure that I talked about this in another blog but I have been through:  Prozac, Paxil, Wellbutrin (caused a seizure), Abilify, Lithium, Seroquel (made me gain weight and now I have Diabetes), and now Clonazepam.  Been  on a bunch of crap and the frustration can make people give up.

With that said, there are people in the group that have a lot of different diagnoses in addition to the bipolar disorder. So you can’t have a group with just one diagnosis.  I don’t even think it’s possible for people to just have one mental illness because one feeds off the other in many cases.

I was looking at some of the posts and noticed that a lot of people blamed their diagnoses for their woes. There were people saying that bipolar disorder caused them all of their relationships.  I then started asking questions to get them to really evaluate what they were saying and it was found that many of them weren’t taking their medications so that they could get themselves together.  Some were also acting irrationally but had the very power to fix that.  There were so many victims in the group, I decided to directly ask them if they blamed their woes in life on their diagnosis.  I got a lot of logical answers. Many took responsibility for some of the things they did as well as the fact that they had been in denial and it allowed them to make some mistakes that they wouldn’t have made had they acted quicker. That was good to see. Another GREAT thing to see follows:

Bipolar Folks are Everywhere

There was a post about what we did for a living and you would be surprised how successful many of us are in every day life.  We didn’t let our illness cripple us. There were a few that aren’t able to work but I think it’s more due to the comorbid illnesses they have but there are some of us that were lucky enough and maybe determined enough not to let it defeat us.  It was really great to see and I made it known throughout the post.

I Gained a Stalker

Now most people know that I am a stickler for rules.  I broke a rule, right?  This girl didn’t like the topic of my post so she made a slick comment about me not being able to have a color background (yes, I read the rules but I had a brain fart because that is not a typical in most groups. Maybe we will call this Karma but the broad wasn’t even an admin) in a rude manner.  She was like “I know how it feels to be too dumb to read the rules”.  I have to say that in, many mental illness groups, they don’t like colors because many are seen as triggers.  I learned this years ago but forgot. So I reposted the question.  Why did this girl come and comment on my post then either delete her post (or the admin deleted it) but she just kept coming back to act like I pulled information out of my butt.  Because it was MY post, I will tell what the post was and you will see why this was such an ignorant reason for her to really be mad and follow me around trying to insult me.  I make friends wherever I go.

The question was:

“It has been said that when a pet owner is depressed, the pets get depressed. How does that make you feel?”

The ONLY reason I asked the question was because we had just gotten finished posting pics of our animals (and I am a pet owner).  The broad got mad at me and said that I was trying to make pet owners feel bad. She also said that I didn’t know what I was talking about so I had to give her the name of the dog trainer (who wrote a book on it) and where I heard it.  I do a diet program called Real Appeal through my job and stress was the topic of the meeting last week. So they had the doctor, an interview, and a dog trainer that made the statement.  She just kept running that mouth though.  That kind of makes me mad but I have been trying to be a helpful and encouraging entity in the group.  So I didn’t show my butt. I explained the stance and gave an example of how you get sad when your best friend is upset and you can’t do anything to comfort them.  I was in no way trying to make pet owners feel bad.  That would be hypocritical of me.  My thing is that I don’t want my animals to feel bad (because I get really depressed and have no energy to even take him for his long walks so I know it bothers him) so I try to hurry up and get my self together.  My daughter doesn’t care because I’m not in her face.  Gary is the only one that cares. Cutie really just lays around near me but doesn’t care.

But back to the topic.  Even one of the admins is a jerk.  He closed a post that I made where I asked what other diagnoses people had because “this is not a competition”.    I scrunched my face up on that one.  They were answering a question. As I said before, many people with mental illnesses don’t just have one. He was being petty.  He also caught a bit of an attitude because I said sometimes being bipolar isn’t a bad thing because people fear you. He missed the point. It is a respectful fear.  You respect a person so as not to do anything stupid if you think that they are “crazy”.  I gave the example of fire.  You use fire for what it is needed for but you know not to get too close and touch it.  I’m not going to condone scaring people off by running around saying you’re “crazy”.  But I’m also never going to let someone disrespect me period, crazy or not.  The post where people talked about their employment is proof that we can live and thrive with no issues.  My job does a background check yearly.  No problems here but people do know better.  I don’t WANT to be a violent person anymore so I disengage.  It’s what you learn with maturity and not playing victim but I don’t think some people get that either.

In conclusion, I’ll likely leave the group. I really wanted to be an encouraging member to the people in the group but I don’t think I have the patience.  Even the admin stifle productive discussion on what happens in everyday life when it comes to bipolar disorder. I don’t have the patience because I just gave three groups away where people didn’t participate and played the victim all the time. I don’t want to be around more people that do the same.  So I’m just gonna find some positive groups (if I can find some).  Someone told me to make another group but I don’t have it in me.  I can’t let these folks stress me out. I have two groups and they are just women and we get along just fine.

I wish that the group was run by people in the mental health industry with some sort of credentials honestly.  And, no, I don’t want to be that person. I have my little degree but I don’t even think that a lot of the people want help.  Some of the posts just make me sad and I don’t want to be sad so I have been distancing myself from people that don’t want to be helped which is why I distanced myself from my three groups (well, one of the groups is a relationship group of the people that actually did came out of my singles groups).  So I think I’ll let them figure all that fun stuff out themselves.  Because a lot of the people aren’t really open to learning from others or thinking outside of the box.

 

So I Have Diabetes

Fun huh?  Well, I got diagnosed on April 1st.  One would think I would be distraught and horribly upset but quite the contrary.  You see, I had been working out at least 5 days a week and eating right yet just gaining and gaining more weight.  I couldn’t figure it out. I was tired and it was so annoying.  I finally went for my physical (I skipped a year) and that’s how I found out.  My A1C was right at 6.5 and my blood sugar was about 130.  Because of that, my doc felt it would be better for me to start on Metformin for a few months to see if that changed anything.  Now my diabetes isn’t actually typical but was likely caused my medication that I have been on for over 8 years.

Bipolar Depression

If you are familiar with some of my other blogs, you would know that I suffer from bipolar depression and was diagnosed about 8 years ago.  They put me on Seroquel and I gained a lot of weight on it but I also was able to manage it.  I could sit at 180 lbs by continuing to work out and do what I was supposed to do. However, this past year, no matter WHAT I did, I couldn’t lose the weight.  It got so frustrating because I truly didn’t know WHAT was going on.  My highest weight on April the 1st was 237.  If you have ALSO read my other blogs, you would know that I was 148 lbs after having a whole child in 2005 and stayed that weight until 2008 when I started on the Seroquel.  But I was able to keep my weight down by working out and eating right.

Why Seroquel?

When diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I was in an actual psych ward.  One thing that I always had a problem with was sleeping.  I had a problem with sleeping because I was constantly thinking.  Constantly thinking doesn’t help you sleep which didn’t always put you in a good mood.  Being a mom and being irritable was not a good thing.  However, sleeping when you could (which was usually during the day because you were tired from constantly thinking and/or worrying) really didn’t make you look like a good mom.  I was sometimes called lazy and the like.  Now, I might need to mention that I have a comorbid diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder.  So let’s put these together and think about them:  1) Single mom to a child with special needs, 2) living with parents because there is a deadbeat that cares not one bit about his child, 3) works full time, 4) goes to school full time to get more money, 5) has Major Depressive Disorder, and 6) has bipolar disorder. YAYYY right?

Well, the Seroquel’s purpose was to help me sleep.  We need to sleep at least 7 hours to function on a daily basis.  My lack of sleep put me in the psych ward (in addition to missing ONE dose of Zoloft).  That Seroquel would literally put me out in 30 minutes and I would have uninterrupted sleep which was why I didn’t mind gaining weight as long as I worked out and kept the weight at a decent amount.  Unfortunately, my body decided it didn’t want to cooperate anymore and I packed on about 30 more lbs.  When you take it at night (which is what you need to do to sleep), it makes you hungry.  You just want to live in the fridge LITERALLY.  But it worked and I didn’t want to go through the whole process of having to find a new med because I know how frustrating finding your meds is.

I now have a degree in Psychology and I really chose that field of study to understand myself more, advocate for those that have mental illness,  to remove the stigma associated with it, and to help people because I know how frustrating it can be to find ways to get through the process of either finding a therapist just to talk to or to find the perfect medications to help you (I think I made a blog about all the meds I went through to get to the ones that I take now and one caused a seizure).  I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder in 2000.  The bipolar disorder was diagnosed after a violent attack perpetrated by me after missing ONE day of the Zoloft in 2008 that I had been on for many years.  I have to say that Zoloft is the ONLY med that has never let me down.  And from that day, I made it my business never to miss a dose ever.  Soooooooooooooo back to the diabetes.

I Have Diabetes (For Now)

As stated before, my recent diagnosis of DM is temporary because it was caused by the Seroquel which I am no longer taking.  Talking to my psychiatrist (and fellow Walking Dead lover), we came to the conclusion that, although Seroquel really worked for me, it was time for me to take something else that would help with the diabetes (in addition to the Metformin that my PCP put me on), help me sleep, and help me lose all the weight that I had gained for no reason.  One of the biggest reasons that people with mental illness DON’T take their meds is because they hate how they make you feel. So when you find your “match”, you stick with it because the process can be frustrating.  I just started Klonopin about two weeks ago and am getting acclimated to it.  I took one and it didn’t really work.  l then started taking two (as the directions say to take one or 2) and well, it made me TOO sleepy.  So sleepy that I have been having a really hard time working.  I still do well with my goals but it’s hard.  As soon as I get off work, I want to go to sleep (more guilt when you’re a single mom).  Although I do my best to spend time with my daughter, it’s really hard to do so at this time. It has only been 2 weeks since I have been on the Klonopin (with the Zoloft) but I have been so up and down.  Last week I was manic, this week, it’s just dead. No motivation.  Just so off.

To top it off, life hits you no matter what diagnoses you have. So you have to keep on pushing. Many people don’t (and didn’t) pay attention to me when I say that “something is wrong” because they know I’m a tough cookie and I don’t like or people to worry about me but times do get hard.  My mom came to bring me some food yesterday and asked me how I was doing.  I don’t like to worry her or really get into too much with her because she had her own health issues last year but I just look so tired.  It’s like I move in slow motion.  But I’m still trucking. That’s all I can do, right?

I have my little family to take care of and have to find motivation somewhere. I have some of the best coworkers (that I have never met in person) that motivate me on a daily basis.  I don’t know what I would do without them honestly.  Even my Facebook friends make me feel good because I have been losing weight since I started my new meds.  The total as of today is 11 lbs since April 1st.  In addition to that, the company that I work for has great programs for people with diabetes as well as dieting programs that they foot the bill for.  I got to weekly meetings and they sent us a big box of things to help us out including exercise DVDs. So I’m gonna just go ahead and keep trying. I might be a little sluggish some days but, like Cardi B said, “knock me down 9 times but I’ll get up 10”.  I gotta keep pushing for my babies.

I’ll update yall later but I can only hope for better things.  My doc will see me in a few months and we will re evaluate whether I need to stay on the Metformin or not.  I’m already saying that I won’t need to be on it.

 

 

 

Can I Be Single In Peace?

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So many people have a problem with people being single. I like being single. At one point, I was actively looking for love because I had felt what I thought true love felt like for the first time (it occurred in my early 30s). I  subsequently had my heart broken but that man let me know that I had a heart and could love. I truly didn’t think I had a heart before I met that man. So I do thank him for unfreezing my heart.  However, finding love is extremely hard and sometimes we need to just let it come to us OR learn more about ourselves while letting it come to us.

I have two Facebook singles groups that focus on that and I always hear so many stories from males and females where people are always getting on them about  being single.  In 2017, I got my degree in Psychology and most of my papers were on one of the most important examples of relationships to everyone:  Our parents.

Parents are Your FIRST Example of Love and Relationships

How do you know how love looks?  By looking at your parents. Do you know who does NOT harass me about not being married?  My parents.  Why? Because thy have been married 46 years and their marriage isn’t ideal. I won’t put all their business out there but I will state that the number of years doesn’t equate success. Many people learn what they want or don’t want from their parents’ example.  I don’t want to be married because many of the marriages that I see are unhappy.  I don’t need that in my life.  I found that I am happiest alone.  I like making my own rules and doing my own thing. I might have a child, dog, and a cat but we all get to chill and just BE.  Society, however, likes to try to tell you that something is wrong with you if you are a certain age and unmarried, especially as a woman.

Sexuality Assumptions

I have had a few women in my group state that there parents or family likes to assume that they are gay because they aren’t married.  Isn’t that kind of weird though?  They don’t have a MAN  so that makes them gay but they also don’t have a WOMAN so what does that make them?  It just makes them single.  Some people need to mind their own business.

Relationships = Happiness

What society has taught a lot of us (especially women) is that we have to have someone to be happy. This is NOT true. I know of too many married women or women in relationships that are NOT happy. When some tell me what they’re going through, I truly shake my head and say “I can’t get married if I have to put up with that.”  And I’m not saying that all marriages and relationships are bad because I do know of a few marriages that are absolutely beautiful.  I also know that there are ups and downs in all relationships but there are some things that I can’t tolerate that end with my man being a corpse on Snapped.  I know my limitations and, unfortunately, some couples don’t respect or communicate with one another in an effective manner.  That is something that we can all work on while we are single.

Some of these women force themselves into relationships to be better than single women.  Usually the first insult that people attempt to give to a woman when she doesn’t say something that they don’t like is “That’s why you’re single.”  I have had many people say this to me.  So because I have a different opinion than you and you lack the skills to debate, I’m single?  Oh….okay.  It’s hard for people to understand that all people (especially women) don’t want to be in a relationship or married.  Honestly, if I just WANTED to be married or in a relationship, I could be in one.  However, I swat people away.  People approach me all the time.  If I were to put myself out there and try to find someone, I could have someone by now. I, however, want quality and I can’t say that there is a lot of quality in my demographic and I will not sit in a unhappy relationship to prove to society that I am good enough to “have a man”. I’ll let the other women handle that and learn from their journey.  I don’t need to touch fire to know it’s hot.

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Not Lowering Your Standards

There are so many people out here that love to assume that women are “picky” and need to date outside of the box.  They assume that I haven’t dated outside of my box.  FALSE!  I have a preference physically and probably one or two guys that I dated were my physical preference.  I have dated felons, handicapped, short, fat, employed, unemployed, car, no car, you get my drift.  I tell people all the time that trash comes inside or outside of your box. You can’t guarantee an outcome just because you did something different.  People need to stop shaming people for having a preference.  Everyone should really focus on themselves but that’s a whole different topic.

One standard that I won’t change is who I choose to have sex with. That will pretty much KEEP a woman single in this world and I’m fine with that actually.  You see, I abstain from sex.  Yes, I have a daughter but that doesn’t mean that I’m chasing anything with a penis. No.  People can learn from their past. However, what really changed my view on sex was falling in love and making love. I don’t see a reason to have sex if there is no love involved. This view, however, is what makes men run which is funny.  You see, as long as there are women that are willing to have sex with them, they don’t need a woman that doesn’t want to have sex.  And that’s fine. That will likely keep me single unless I get lucky and find someone with those same thoughts but there aren’t many men out there with that mindset because they can literally get pussy ANYWHERE.  Why would you wait for what you can easily get somewhere else?  My sisters and I were talking about that and it’s kind of sad that people get ridiculed for being a virgin or abstaining from sex. There was a time when it was common but now people look at you as if you have two heads when you say you’re not having sex. And DON’T say you haven’t had sex in years; they will really look at you like you’re crazy.

What Now?

Just be single.  Learn about yourself. Do things alone.  Do things with your other single friends.  Listen to the advice of your married friends. Observe other relationships.  JUST BE.  There is nothing wrong with doing this.   We all have things that we need to work on as people and we’re always growing and learning. So grow and learn until someone comes along if that’s what you want.  Or just grow and learn because you want to.  Focus on you. Don’t compare yourself to your friends and family.  Ignore the mess that society tries to beat into your head about what you should have and  be doing at a certain age. BE HAPPY being free.  That’s the great thing about freedom; you can do what you want.  As long as you are not hurting anyone, it’s fine.

Women especially have it hard out here and many get depressed or force themselves into situations to silence others. The best way to silence these people is to ignore them and be happy.  I swear that doing your own thing will make you happier than by living by someone else’s rules.

Adventures in Owning a Single’s Group on Facebook

Sometimes you do things in life and don’t really think them all the way through. I have done that often but this thing that I have done this time is probably the best example. I made a single’s group. Why did I do that?  Well, people do call me crazy BUT I really wanted a place where people could be looked at for their mind and personality and not just a ton  of selfies and sex talk. I didn’t know this would be such a foreign concept to so many people.  Want to know what I have to contend with just for attempting to help people?  Well, let’s get started.

People Don’t Read the Rules….Shoot, People Just DON’T READ!!!

I don’t think people know how to interact besides posting their pics and waiting for people to jump in their inbox because they are so beautiful/handsome.  So the concept of No Selfies (besides on a specified day and when you do your intro) is just the devil. OMG!  I have had people actually ARGUE with me on this rule.  I always let them know that there are TONS of groups where you can use your looks to get people but, in my group, we like to talk and get to know the PERSON.  There is no rule against people going to your PERSONAL page and looking at ALL your pics but my group isn’t where you do it.

I Get Hate Inboxes

Yup, that’s me.  I get all the hate mail.  I usually share them on Facebook and people wonder what in the world is going on with people.  I’ve had people come to my personal page with smart comments.  I had one girl go to all my my public posts on Facebook and make a comment. I had to block her.  But I get a lot of less than desirable inboxes.  They usually tell me I look like a man and think that it hurts my feelings. I have been telling my Facebook friends for YEARS that people say I look like a man when they get mad at me.  So when they say it, I get the best laugh.  If I look like one, that’s cool.  There are some gorgeous trans women out there that look better than CIS women (yes, I know the terminology because I am all for their rights).  Let’s look at some of the great things people have had to say to me:

 

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I have a lot more which is sad in itself.  I got called a “nappy headed cunt”.  The word “cunt” always makes me laugh so there is never really nothing said that makes me sad. It just gets to be a tad bit annoying.  Someone sent an anonymous post to my page and I laughed.  Why? Because some people have that whole internet bravado.  I think I talked about my temper in another post here.  I learned how to use my words online so people calling me all kinds of names and the like makes me feel proud of myself because, if they said it in person, well….I know ME as a person.  I just had a guy about two days ago call me a hoodrat because he felt that men didn’t benefit from marriage and I stated in my OWN comment that a man benefits by having someone to take care of him. He said women don’t take care of men. I asked him what kind of “trash” he had dealt with which was more of an insult to the women that didn’t take care of him. THAT was in my 45 and up group.  Let’s find THAT conversation:

 

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Now, before anyone assumes I was abusing my power, I wasn’t. The rules clearly state “no disrespect”.  He took a comment that truly wasn’t a slight toward him and went in even bringing my daughter into it.  You just don’t do that.  But these are the people that we need to see that are out there.  I could tell by a lot of his comments in his brief time in the group that SOMEONE had hurt him.  If you can get mad at a woman taking care of her man because you likely didn’t experience it, then you have some deep issues that need to be resolved. I knew he was hurt so his comments, again, did not offend me.

Another WRONG assumption people have about me is that I’m single and sad.  No, I’m single by choice.  Just because I have singles groups doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be single.  And why make fun of someone that is trying to help other people that WANT to find love find someone?  Oh, and when they call me dumb and hoodrats, that really makes me laugh. Now, I might have grown up in the hood and even still live in the hood but I am by no means a “hoodrat”.  And, if I am, I’m an educated one with a good job.  I have a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology and am a Senior Medical Coder that has the privilege of working from home.  So……yeah…..there’s that.  People miss the purpose of my groups and the purpose of my groups is to help people to find love and better themselves in the process. With that said, we don’t do a ton of pictures (or “pick me” posts) and we don’t talk about sex except on Saturdays.  Who dies from this?

Admin that Don’t Respect You

In my bigger group, I had a co owner.  The issue with that was that he didn’t respect me and thought that he MADE the group (carried the group).  However, getting bodies in a group is half the battle.  In the beginning, you have to keep the group up.  YOU have to be the one making the topics because the members are still trying to figure out what kind of group it is that they have been invited to. When we made the group, my goal was to help people to better themselves while looking for love in (and out) of the group. Things were going well until we had to do normal maintenance such as processing member requests.  We used to get a TON of member requests. Any time I talked about a subject with him in group chat, he would call me “boss”. I respectfully would ask that he not call me that yet he kept doing it.  And it wasn’t that he called me that but you knew he was saying it in a disrespectful manner because he had a problem with me asking him to do what he was supposed to do as an admin.  Even after continuously asking him not to, I snapped.  I archived the group. Was done.  If you can’t work with a team, then don’t make a group.

He was younger and immature. Yet he decided to test me and he just picked the wrong day.  It was pretty bad.  But then I found out that he had “plants” in the group. I think one of my hate mail pics showed that.  Fun times.  So he had people in the group to spy on it.  For what?  To see if we failed because he wasn’t in the group anymore?  Who knows but I found that to be very interesting.

Lurkers that Complain

Why come to a group, not be active, but then come in just to complain that they haven’t found someone in the group?  Wait!  What?  Yes, they come out of their little corner to come into the group to say “I haven’t found anyone yet.”  Why do you think that is?  Do you talk to people or do you just come out for the pictures?  Thanks to the search option on Facebook, admin (and members) have the ability to look at how active you are in a group.  You would be surprised how inactive people are but expect miracles. We cannot help  you if you don’t help yourself.  We have a few features that we made available to the members of the group.  One of them is Member of the Week where we highlight a member, letting them post their pics and an introduction about themselves and what they want.  It’s like pulling teeth to get people to volunteer. We also have a Tiny Chat video chat where members can go and actually talk to people (it gets rid of people claiming that people are Catfish).  The people that usually take advantage of these features don’t stay in the group long because they literally find their special someone in the group.

People Don’t Like DIFFERENT

My groups are DIFFERENT and that’s what makes them successful.  We focus on the person INSIDE.  There is more to us than our shell. People consider me to be a beautiful woman but, as another entry on here states, I’m not perfect and there is so much more to me than my looks.  We encourage our members to be observant and pay attention to what people are saying. It shines a light on their personality and then you can go from there.  Our active members are dropping like flies and there is a reason for that.  In less than 9 months, the original group has:  26 couples (that we know of) which includes one engaged couple and one MARRIED couple.  So if “different” isn’t good, I don’t know what to  tell people.  In the 45 and up group which is younger we have 1 or 2 couples. My new admin, David, is responsible for that.

People balk at how we do things in the group but one cannot say that this method doesn’t work.  It does or I would change it up.  We have files, vids, and rules but it all goes back to people NOT reading. They just don’t want to do anything for themselves. They want us to do everything for them.  Our files and rules are so direct and to the point but people still ask questions that are on them.  It really can annoy you.  There are times when I have to take a break because people are so lazy and ungrateful.  It can wear on you as a person.

When people complain and complain and complain, it is irksome. We used to always have people complain about the content in the group.  We constantly tell them that, if they want to see something, they have to DO something.  If you don’t want to see the same topics, make topics that you want to see.  Then we have those people that complain about topics on our theme days. That cracks me up. We have #seductivesaturday and #selfiesunday.  Just about every week, we had someone calling us all kinds of “whores” and “pervs”.  Why?  Because they didn’t READ THE RULES.  It got so bad that the members had to tell the people that complained to read the rules FOR ME. I really appreciate my admin, mods, and the members that are serious.  There was a shutdown when they got out of pocket.  I got so mad, I archived the group.  They can really test your patience. So please believe that making a group is not easy and will take a lot of time and persistence on your part.

Owning Groups is NOT Easy

The problem that I found that I have with my groups is that I care too much and would likely be better off working with smaller groups.  Unfortunately, I cannot turn back now as my  Singles group has over 5k people (it is decreasing as I am deleting lurkers), the 45 and up group has over 1k members, and then I have a few women’s groups that are more intimate. I don’t have any issues out of them.

Having a group is like a full time job sometimes but you have to really care about the people to endure it.  Seeing the couples come out of groups that are your brain child is beautiful and sometimes makes it all worth it…. sometimes.