A lot has been going on in my life and I had every opportunity to share it with you guys, but the motivation wasn’t there. As we all know, I have bipolar disorder. Lately, I have been having homicidal and suicidal ideations.
Why?
I can say that about three weeks ago, I went out “into the wild” for things that I needed two days in a row and, I don’t know if I’m an empath, but I know I am not agoraphobic. There’s just something about people I don’t like. It’s the expectation that someone is going to test me and take me out of character.
Please believe I am trying to find ways to combat this as I can’t just be a homebody and I don’t want to pass that onto my daughter. She is the sweetest and I can’t put my issues on her.
People like me and I like (certain) people, but I know the intent of those people that I know. I don’t know the intent of people in public. These people are literally out here living their best lives and leaving mine alone but I’m always on alert. I don’t live in the BEST area either. I have no reason to have PTSD from an attack or anything either so I don’t know the actual source of this but I will explore it more with my therapists.
Most of the things I do, as I have talked about in previous posts, are in the morning when there is no one around, or by just taking my dog for a walk. Although one lady wanted to fight me while I was picking up the poop that my dog has JUST done. I will just say that God protected her. I probably told that story.
I Just Want Peace
Because I want peace and can’t seem to get it, I started having suicidal ideations again. And just rage. But I can’t say it was a manic episode because I still didn’t want to get up and get anything done. Because I refuse to go back to the psych ward, I will find another way to be gone but I don’t want my daughter to see. I had been eyeing knives. My job appointed social worker had to make a weekly call just to make sure I didn’t do anything to anyone or myself. I won’t hurt my child or animals. And, if I get into a fight, I will fight to kill or I will get killed. Those things don’t matter to a person like me.
Look at that subtopic and then look at all the things I just said; contradictory, right? My psychiatrist asked me if I wanted an earlier appointment, and I told him that I would hang on for the meantime. I have two other therapists (they don’t regulate my meds) that I can vent to though. The bipolar brain is one of chaos and I don’t like this chaos. I don’t like this world and I don’t want to be in it, but people keep showing me how I impact and enrich their lives and that does give me purpose. Honestly, I didn’t really know my purpose until people kept telling me and it’s not like I asked but I think they just needed to let me know.
Things I Am Trying
My daughter is back at her home community center for Taekwondo so I am seeing some of my old buddies in the gym and am running again. This week I did a mile and a half in 30 minutes with Couch25k (if you don’t have it, get it, I swear by it). I got back to lifting my weights again and putting my anger into reps.
I started meditating and trying positive affirmations. I can’t say that’s really working for me, but I will keep trying. Thanks Spotify.
I am trying not to be too hard on myself for the things I can’t do or am not motivated to do.
I took a whole week off (I planned this like two months ago) and I really have just been sleeping and doing laundry.
I have learned to ask for help. My siblings have been very helpful.
I try to find people that have worse problems than I do so as not to feel like a victim of circumstance. That sounds bad but I literally watched a mom with no full hands make dinner and garden. She’s not complaining. My psychiatrist says that this is a good way to look at things. He said it shows that I’m not just trying to sit in my depression.
I watch people do makeup. Watching people do makeup has always been something I have loved to do. I’m constantly being told to pick my brushes back up and I want to but I hate wasting money. I have so much beautiful makeup and I try to help small, black owned businesses by buying palettes. I don’t use them because I’m not going anywhere. So, many MUAs on TikTok say that it’s therapy for them just to do their makeup and take pics. I want to do that too. I am still trying to get motivated but it’s coming.
Some Positive Things Are Happening
On my birthday, I got a raise from my job (in addition to the slap in the face they gave me at the beginning of the year) which went into effect this pay period. I am still short on rent money but about $200 BUT it’s not $400. Weird thing: I watched Rent for the first time so that I could have someone to identify with which is kind of sad.
I have gone to TikTok and found a little bit of a family (I will be blogging about my experiences there because it’s not all good) in the LGBTQIA+ community. I have been chosen as moderator for so many people because I stand up for them. I don’t like bullies. That is something that I have always had an intense dislike for as a child. But the community has also taught me a lot too. I identify with them in a way but I will talk about that later.
Oh, I have also lost weight with Ozempic (which will soon be taken because I’m sure my A1C has gone back down and the diabetes was medication induced (again)). I went from 248 lbs to 216.2 (I just weighed myself). I can’t SEE it but that’s what my scale says so I’ll take the W on that.
Rantings of a Mad Woman 
It pisses me off that hospital is sufficiently shitty that it ends up being taken off the table as a viable option. Lately I’ve been having suicidal ideation and wanting to kill one of my guinea pigs, and hospital would probably be the best thing if it was even remotely acceptable (but it’s not). So instead it’s a matter of just keep on keeping on….
I’m so sorry you are going through that. I don’t even want to go back to the psych ward.
I wish psych ward staff would realize the long-term harm that traumatizing patients does. But no, they’re too caught up in their own clueless bubble.
They just want to get you stable and out of there. The assistants did way more work and were “present”. They seemed to actually care.