But it Wasn’t
In my previous post I made regarding suicidal ideation when it happens, I wanted people to know how we sometimes feel. In Today Was Going to be My Last Day, I recounted how I felt at the moment so that I could remember and find a way to get over it. I also wanted to share that sometimes we can talk ourselves out of things. I have suicidal ideations often but just shut up about it because what can I do? Bipolar disorder is a curse that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. It might not be the worst mental illness to have but it sure does suck balls. Being Bipolar and Black is hard because we try to handle things on our own even when we’re drowning because that’s how we were raised.
Because I don’t get manic as a result of taking my meds faithfully, I’m generally depressed or just trying to fake loving life until someone or something kills me. I made a post saying that I was “teetering” on the edge on Facebook. I was really ready to go. People came on the post and checked on me. My sister, however (who will be known as the 3rd snitch) called me and asked me what my post meant. I told her how I had felt earlier that day and how I was ready to take every pill in my home because I didn’t know what I was going to do with my daughter for the summer and everything was just costing so much. That and my job truly not caring about its employees. And don’t get me started on not getting part time remote jobs that I have applied for. No one wants to pay for my writing which causes me to doubt myself as well.
My sister and I talked, and I told her I felt better after taking my dog for a walk, listening to Kpop, and just being in the sun. Being in the sun is really important to me and I sometimes just sit in the heat on the balcony with my dog. He loves to lay there with me and put his nose through the rail. He doesn’t like it when I go out there by myself.
I was already feeling better but was writing the previous post to help people understand how it feels to be just totally down on yourself even though you know how much people care about you. I talked to my therapist the other day and she was saying that I needed to learn to accept help from people.
I understand accepting help from people, but it just doesn’t make me feel good. Why do I always need help? I’m literally working my butt off, feeding this greedy child, trying not to let this apartment turn into a hoarder’s home, and just make it through the day with all the changes that keep getting thrown at me, especially through my job. My job doesn’t care and that bothers me but helping other people while they are frustrated gives me purpose. So, I take solace in that. Helping people is my purpose. Maybe it’s why I’m still here even though I TRULY don’t want to be here.
The way this world is moving, I hope things end soon. Roe v Wade has me worried about my daughter, people continue to shoot innocent people up, and everyone is just hanging on by a literal thread. I mean, the rich people are probably good but the rest of us aren’t right now. Friends are getting put out by greedy landlords and having to get second jobs just to be able to pay to survive.
I Was Just Tired
And being tired and being a mother isn’t acceptable sometimes. Being a single mother is hard and I know people that are fighting more than I am. And, with the overturning of Roe v Wade, I saw how much many Black men didn’t care and actually laughed. Told us to keep our legs closed. Funny, people learn from their mistakes. Many lay in the beds we made. But yeah, that was pretty sad to see as well. As I said in my Roe vs Wade post about it, two people make a child, not one. A man can walk away. The woman can’t. However, I need to remember to be thankful for what I have and I am. When I am at my lowest, this is when I try to think of other things and what I DO have and my responsibility to protect my daughter from some heartless people.
I had made a Twitter post saying that I wish I could just go on disability but, if I think I’m broke now … yeah, that would be even worse. I make decent money and a lot of people did but inflation is trash and we’re dealing with a lot of other things right now.
Reading medical charts helps as well as most of the stories are sad and some people are just real fighters and won’t let anything take them down. In their own way, they inspire me. I will also say that the LGBTQIA community on TikTok has been EXTREMELY helpful to me. You want to hear about perseverance? Just listen to their stories. And so many of them are just beautiful souls that want to be free. Just like I want to be free of this world, they want to be free to be them and they can’t. They bring so much love, color, creativity, culture, etc. to this world and we don’t treat them right. And for what? They’re different. Just like what people do with their uterus shouldn’t bother us, neither should what people do behind closed doors. I will likely write a blog about my faves and what they have taught me. But that’s a story for another.
In the End …
I didn’t take all my pills although I had wanted to. The next day I mysteriously get money from two of my siblings that I said NOTHING to. Why? Because of Snitch# 3. Now we already know about the first two snitches that got me put in the psych ward in July 2021 and now we have this one. I am not mad. People are letting me know that they love and value me and I need to accept that. It doesn’t stop me from having these thoughts that I have to stay in this world until it burns to the ground. I really wish I could be manic so I could get things done. I understand why I can’t, but it doesn’t stop me from wanting it.
My daughter is going to her summer camp, and I was able to pay my rent on time along with some other bills that were going to have my phone and internet cut off. I’m working this week and next week like a fiend to get the rest of the overtime before there is none again. I’m really tired most days, have to make dinner, and just want to get in the bed. I would like to get 7 hrs of sleep daily but the screen goes grayscale every night at 10 and I see it happen. I’m supposed to be asleep but there I am. So, I listen to my guys on Small Town Murder to go to sleep (yes, true crime and James’ voice puts me to sleep. I will tell you guys about them soon as well).