Today Was Going to be My Last Day

When I have really bad days, I’ll just journal and publish when I am past the down times. People like to know that they are not alone.

***** WARNING, SUICIDAL IDEATION****

I can tell you that I told my therapist the other day that I was not going back to the psych ward and I mean it. But I will be using other means to obtain the desired effect if needed. I take my meds everyday but they gave me some pain meds too and I have a refill. I was ready to take all the drugs I had in the house and wash it down with Tito’s, wine, and whatever else I had. I will say that TikTok has been helping me out more. I’m falling back from true crime for some reason. I’ve been trying to read and listen to books about people from other countries that have it worse that I do so that I can appreciate what I have.

What Freaked Me Out?

My job has really been doing a number on me lately to the point that I have to find a part time job. I always seem to have some allegiance to businesses that don’t treat me the way that I should be treated. I don’t have that problem in romantic relationships. I won’t accept that, but I accept mistreatment from my job because they pay me, I guess. I probably stay because there are people out here with no jobs and no insurance.

Last week, I was informed that I was being put on a new project. I was on the last project I was on for about 2 months. With this new project, I am getting a new supervisor once I finish training (which is also taking from the overtime that I could be getting). They claim this is a good thing and it means that we’re good workers, but the money doesn’t reflect it and I’m getting frustrated. With every new project, we have to literally reset our brains for how we code things for a new client.

This year alone (this is June now), I will have had 6 supervisors. It’s not because they’re leaving the organization in all cases, but their position isn’t the best and they’re not even treated that great. Some of them don’t feel they have a voice. They also don’t get paid enough for all the stuff they have to do. Because of this, they move to other departments, and some have left the company (or been asked to leave).

Somehow, it doesn’t seem as though upper management cares that they keep moving us around and I know it has to be hard for the supervisors as well but imagine the frustration when you have to get used to a new supervisor every month of the year. I have been with this organization for almost 7 years and have had 8 supervisors. When it comes time for my yearly review, they have to ask 6 people (for now) how I performed. Like, WTF for real?

I will say that I have been lucky with the ones I have had so far. I still communicate with them, and one is like a sister to me. She came back to the organization but is in another department because … I mean, it’s not cool where we are.

My frustration especially lies in the fact that I am flexible enough to work these different projects but don’t obtain the funds to prove that I’m worth anything. They got rid of a program where they say nice things to you for what you do but I still do it even though nothing monetary comes from it because I like to encourage my coworkers. Words of encouragement helps people. It doesn’t have to come with a monetary gift. Just tell people they are appreciated. Put a smile on their face.

Born Leader

I know that I am a leader. No matter where I go or what I’m doing in my field, people come to me. Even when I was in the psych ward the first time, the patients came to me instead of to the counselors. They are why I obtained my worthless BS in Psychology.

I went to get a root canal yesterday and, when I came back, so many of my coworkers and a supervisor I had for all of a month had questions for me or were just looking for encouragement in things. We’re STRUGGLING! People have to move because they can’t afford where they are anymore. It’s just really hard. People are very transparent with me, and I don’t judge because I know where they’re coming from.

The Main Trainer

She’s really nice and knew that I wasn’t confident in taking the assessment today, so she gave me another set. She thought that I was ready for it, but she wanted me to build my confidence. I was grateful for that. The people on this project are on it because we score well with accuracy, and they need all hands on deck. I understand that but I really just need money. I have to overwork myself and get a part time job because, after July, the overtime will be minimal or gone altogether.

The week before last, I claimed a job (people always tell you to claim things) so I claimed a job because I interviewed well, and I don’t usually NOT get jobs when I interview for them (unless it’s with my current company because I literally throw stuff at the wall to see what will stick). Last Monday, I found out I didn’t get the position. People told me to ask why they didn’t choose me but, to me, they’re dead. They said they had a candidate that better suited the position. It was probably salary. Although I make decent money (and GOOD money when I kill myself with overtime), it is too much for some people.

I have to refine my procedure coding skills. If I can do that, I can code outpatient charts like I used to do when I was in the actual office. There are plenty of remote positions out there, but I haven’t coded for procedures in 7 years but I’m going to do some self-teaching to see if I can get back out in the world. I discussed this with my social worker through my job. I discussed my blog with her about what 001 on Stranger Things and she agreed that people are literally just trying to survive. It’s just so stupid.

How I Got Over It

I took the dog for a walk (he got on my nerves), but we walked. Then I just listened to my Spotify because music just makes me happy. All genres of music make me happy, so I just put on my random list and listened to all my songs and got happy again; songs that I haven’t listened to in a while.

In Reality …

I have things to be thankful for. My therapists keep telling me to ask for help but I’m tired of asking for help. It makes me feel like a failure. In the questionnaire, one of the very questions is if you feel like a failure to your family and I do. I always have. I’m a single mother with a special needs child, no father to her, and I’m always struggling. They tell me there’s nothing wrong with asking for help but there is. I should be able to do this on my own.

I have insurance for that root canal I got. I have to get a crown put on it with a permanent filling. I have an HSA for that ($891.00). I am grateful. I still have a roof over my head. I am grateful. My daughter and the animals have food in their bellies, I am grateful. I feel bad that I am not going to be able to let her to go camp this year because it is literally one of the things that makes her the happiest every year, but the price is too high this year and I just don’t have it. I’m waiting on a response for another part time position doing the same thing that I am doing for some extra money.

In reality, I’m just really tired. I don’t know what else to do and this world is trash. I don’t want to be here anymore. I just don’t. But I have to sit here and do what society says is right and live until someone takes my life or I die. Oh joy!

Note: These were my thoughts as of 6/21/2022. A lot has changed.