Monday:
I think I was either going to have a nervous breakdown or throw myself off the balcony. It was SOOO hard. I woke my daughter up for school and made three discoveries that made me nuts. Saturday, I had noticed that there was a lot of kitty litter on the floor and I ASSumed that she was playing in my cat’s kitty litter box. We cleaned it up and I thought all was well. However, on Monday, I noticed that she was playing in the CLEAN kitty litter. How did I find that out?
Well, I noticed that the kitty litter holder that is usually heavy and FULL of kitty litter was thrown on the other side of her bed. Of course, it was empty which meant I had no kitty litter. Not only did I not have kitty litter, I had no money.
That wasn’t the end, however. My daughter moved like a sloth (she’s probably sick of school and it’s the end of the school year) so we got into an argument. Remember, she has an intellectual disability so things are different in our arguments. Anyhow, I told her that she was a child and that she was rude for doing things and having everything fall on me to pick up. She yelled “I’m not a child”. She’s 12. Still a child. She better stop. Anyhow, she moved like a sloth and, by the time we were running to the bus stop, the bus was already there. I just gave the driver and assistant a look and they already knew. You would think that was the end, right? Nope.
Oh, I knew I forgot something. She couldn’t find her shoes. THAT’S really why we were late to the bus. We didn’t find them so I had to find her older shoes that might have been a little too small but that was her fault so that’s really why she was late. Once I got her on the bus, I came in the house and worked but it nagged me that we couldn’t find her shoes. Who loses their own shoes? She does. Anyhow, I’m looking for her shoes and open a drawer. What I find in the drawer pisses me off Kie has a blog as well so all of her stuff is mostly in there but what I found was a bunch of her lunch juice (that I get her for lunch ONLY) and a bunch of cheese crackers where the cheese had been licked out but the crackers were left (those were for her lunch as well). More money wasted.
I think I hurt Kie’s feelings so I texted her teacher and gave her a heads up. She said that Kie did seem a bit down when she came in and they discussed the issue. Kie’s issue was that I called her a child. Her teacher said “Well, you are a child.” She said she was her silly self by about 10 so she was fine. She asked if I wanted to call and speak to her so I did. All Kie wanted to do was talk about The Lion King (we saw it in New York in May) so she was fine but I still felt bad because I never want to hurt her feelings so I apologized to her for how mean I seemed.
Thankfully, I had rescheduled a psychiatrist visit and it fell on this day. I went to my psychiatrist and, for the first time in the 8 years I had been seeing him, I cried. I was just so overwhelmed with life in general. My job hasn’t been giving us overtime which is really putting a hurting on my savings accounts. So when my daughter is wasting my money, that doesn’t help the situation. In addition to my mom needing money for things since her stroke. I wish I could help but I’m struggling so much on a daily basis. My last check didn’t even cover my rent and I had three other big amounts to pay for a student loan, car insurance, and a credit card that I’m trying to pay down. So things are really tight over here. The most money I probably have is on my HSA card which is kind of funny. Kie’s glasses broke again. I think that happened on Monday too so yeah, that annoyed me as well but at least my insurance covers that.
Anyway, I was just telling a coworker that I have never met in person about the whole kitty litter incident. Well, I had made a video talking about it and showing it on Facebook (people LOVE my daughter and animals so they demand to hear about them) and my coworker asks me for my address. I’m like “What are you doing?” She sent me a message saying that I would get the kitty litter by Wednesday. So everyone wanted to make me cry, I guess. I thanked her over and over again. I didn’t expect that. I just share my stories to let people know what it’s like to have a child with an intellectual disability when you have a mental illness yourself. I also am not big on taking things from people. I never ask. I just try to fight my way out of things on my own. But it was HUGE for her to do that for us. She has a dog named Chico and she said that Chico wouldn’t want Cutie not to have kitty litter. It was sweet and it really did help me out.
Tuesday:
Pretty uneventful. I took my medication increase and felt a LOT better. Just kept checking my inbox because I had applied for a transcription from home position on Friday. I worked out and I think I actually hit my 10k steps. I was still losing weight and just trying to stay motivated.
Wednesday:
I got the transcription position and started working that day. I needed all the pennies I could get so I started working and probably did three short jobs that day.
I also got a request from another person that I have NEVER met in person but harass on Facebook because she’s just fun (and I didn’t like her at first so I always remind her of that LOL) asking for my PayPal information. I’m sitting here wondering what she is doing. I give it to her and then she tells me she’s sending me money because her brother sent her money but she prayed and felt that I needed the money more than she did. Do you know I cried? It’s like I cried more in this week than I have in a minute now.
The crying isn’t just because of the appreciation but it’s because people actually CARE and people want to be there to help. They don’t have to do it and I don’t ask them to do it but they just care enough to do so. I’ve done it in the past myself but I just don’t expect people to care enough to do it for me, I guess. So it made me feel good and that I wasn’t alone. That people want to see me do well.
Thursday:
Blah
Friday:
More blah. Just thankful to have jobs and to feel better with my meds. Got kind of worried because the transcription position I got told me that I needed to have a higher score or I wouldn’t have that little position anymore.
Saturday (today):
I improved my score and moved up the ranks in my transcription position. I also saw an opportunity with the same company to transcribe for closed captioning so I’m going to get my typing score up and apply for that position as well. I can work when I want or need to in this position as well. Hopefully, my full time job will give us OT by August but it’s not a guarantee so I have to do what I have to do. I still love my job. They have beautiful benefits and truly do care for their employees.
I did almost have another nervous breakdown because….um….my daughter is growing up (I had to buy her a ton of new clothes because nothing fits her). I took her to the pool today and I don’t need her to grow. Not with the pervs that we have around here. It’s why I make her go to Taekwondo where they also teach street fighting. I need to get her out of this area but perverts are everywhere so there’s really no way around it. I’ve just gotta teach her more about self defense and train my dog to bite people (he’s a German Shepherd, really don’t have to train much on that.
I always say that God knows who to give certain children to. I am a fighter. I have always been one and I will guard that child with everything I have. She is extra nice and I don’t want her to be nice to the wrong person or a predator so it stresses me but I do it because I am her Amazon and she is my little Amazon princess. But I am not all she has. I used to think that but now I see that there are so many other people that care about her and that would protect her as well. These acts that came from people I have never even met in person have helped as well as others just checking on me to make sure I was okay.
This week was hard but I will say that my actual Facebook friends (some of which I have known from less than a year to 12 years and/or never met in person) have really been there for me even if I just wanted to vent which “strong” people don’t usually do. It’s a beautiful thing and it is never forgotten. Ever.
Rantings of a Mad Woman 