I can tell you guys that I know a lot about this topic. Why? Because I am so guilty of it. I really am and I can admit it with no problem at all. Admitting that you do something that is considered “stupid” by society is not a sin. Many people do a lot of things that are dumb but they just don’t admit it often. Me? I have no shame. As long as I learn from it and educate people on it so that they don’t make mistakes like I did, I say, whatever.
So let’s really talk about this. I’ve been in very few relationships in my life. I’ve only really had one long term relationship. I cannot recycle that one as he is married and he figured out before he married me that I was a looney broad. And I’m happy for him. He’s happy and found someone so much better. I say this to say that usually, after a relationship is ended, I take it upon myself to reevaluate myself and figure out why the relationship failed. Many times, it is my fault and I can accept it as well as work on it. Once I have worked on my issue that got me out of my relationship, I grow as a person and resolve to move on. But what happens when I’ve moved on to the next guy and it doesn’t work out?
Usually, after a failed relationship, we (again) evaluate ourselves and reflect on past failed relationships. When we do this, we then think of our exes and remember the good times. This is NOT a good thing but it sometimes happens. Also, after the demise of a relationship, we start to go hard on ourselves and sometimes feel that no one wants us. So what do we do? We go back to the person that we were once happy with. If they respond to our “Hello” text, what do we do? We reconnect. We reconnect because we don’t want to start all the way over again with a new person. Some women around my age (mid 30s) are thinking about that biological clock ticking. We want to at least be married and maybe push out some kids before we hit 40. So we go back to what will take a shorter time to reestablish. Think about it: It’s likely going to take at least a year to find some NEW person that will marry you (usually after a year of dating). If you recycle an ex, guess what, you’ve just shaved about 6 mos off your courtship.
THAT WHORE OF A BIOLOGICAL CLOCK
Now, I’m not saying that this is the RIGHT way to think but, alas, it is the way that many people think. That biological clock can trick us into doing all kinds of crazy things. And it’s usually women that will be the first to recycle because of this clock. That clock has been harassing women for centuries. Remember, women only make a certain number of eggs. Once we run out of eggs or our eggs get old, that’s it. No more kids. And most women at least want ONE marriage under their belt. Remember, I’m saying MOST women. And don’t get me started on society making women that AREN’T in relationships feel like they are less than. I mean, how many times have women heard the “And that’s why you don’t have a man” comment thrown out as an “insult”. That’s right, if we have a man, we’re better to society. We’re actually someone that someone SOMEWHERE wants. That’s right, even if he beats us and treats us like crap, at LEAST we have a man. You know what, that’s another blog for another day. Believe me, I hear that one a LOT. I know why I’m single. And usually the person throwing that “insult” out is a a single man. *blank stare* Yeah, there’s a such thing as a SINGLE man. Go figure. Okay, let me get back on the topic though.
The biological clock is the bane of many women’s existence. What we as women NEED to do is ignore that stupid clock. All it causes is the double D’s: Depression and Desperation. Both are bad (yes, there is a such thing as BAD double D’s). I’m sure people are saying “Well, you’re saying this because you have a child.” Yes, I have a child but I would like to be married. Back in the day, I wanted to be married by the age of 30. I was almost married by 26 but life happened. Things don’t always go according to plan and, instead of wallowing in the “what ifs” and all that, we have to keep on moving. Don’t just freeze because things didn’t happen the way you wanted them to WHEN you wanted them to. Don’t let that clock make you make stupid and hasty decisions that can have a HUGE impact on your future.
While I encourage women and men to think about their mistakes in past relationships, I don’t want people to attempt to return to said past relationships. Why? Because, although YOU might’ve changed for the better, your former mate might not have done so. So why bring the better you to a person that didn’t want you before and was ALSO part of the demise of your former relationship. Contrary to popular belief, relationships include TWO people. So, although you might think you were the demise of your former relationship, you weren’t. You just weren’t.
GETTING TO KNOW YOU
Another reason why people usually return to their exes is because it’s less work. Who wants to learn a new person from the beginning again? You have to learn the new person’s likes and dislikes, personality, sexual strengths and weaknesses, etc. Some people are like “Ain’t nobody got time fo dat”. Well, if you want a lasting relationship, you’d better MAKE time for that. Again, you can’t sit and worry about the time. Everything that happens in your life (including your relationships) happens for a reason. Relationships happen when they do, You can’t force that. So don’t. Just go with the flow. That’s one thing that I had to learn. Rushing a man or a woman into a relationship can cause a relationship to just stop short and end quickly. You might have a timeline but your mate has to be on the timeline as well. Most times, they’re not. Most times they don’t even know about your timeline.
So, before you call your ex and ask them how they’ve been or what they’re doing, remember this: If you get back with someone you once were with, they might be the same person that you couldn’t get along with in the past. They might be even worse because they’ve had relationships that changed them (maybe for the worst). No one really likes repeats. I don’t read books twice and I won’t watch a show twice knowing what the outcome is going to be. Sure, the feelings might be there (or not) but it doesn’t mean that you can have a better outcome. It doesn’t mean that you can’t either but you’ve already had a taste of what it’s like. If it didn’t work out once, it likely won’t work out the second go round.
Now, there are some exceptions. I know there are. However, in my personal experiences, well……LOL. My friends usually try to remind me of the past failings in my relationships because they know what happened. I know what happened too because I was in the relationship but sometimes, I’m a dummy. LOL Nothing but a dummy. In my stupidity, however, I can tell you how us stupid women (and sometimes men) think. Now, what I need to do is take my own advice. I’ve got the ignoring the biological clock part down but trying to bring a new person to an old relationship is something I need to work on. People change but sometimes all the changing in the world can’t change the relationship in the end. Why not give your time and effort to a new person? Failed relationships are for lessons, you don’t always need a do over. Sometimes it’s just best to leave things alone.